“Missa Somnolenta!” called the lead rider, and waves of green magic rolled out from the Z-shaped sigil he crafted on his palm. I heard thumps behind me and turned to see that the humans had all collapsed, including my prisoners. They were snoring and farting peacefully.
“Gonna have to do better than that, mate,” I growled and began strolling towards the en...
2025-07-23 20:40:38 +0000 UTC View Post“I’ll be having words with you later, Reg,” I growled before jumping down outside the town and sprinting towards the distant smoke. I could faintly hear the sound of screams and the clang of metal on metal in the distance. I slipped my monocle into place, but I was too far away for it to do more than add intermittent flashes of information within the fog of war the smoke had c...
2025-07-22 20:39:34 +0000 UTC View Post“Keep your voice down!” I hissed at the soldier whose parade-ground stance shifted slightly. He swayed, one hand rising to his left temple and exploring his new lump. When he brought his hand down, he looked at the blood on his fingers in stunned silence.
“Madam, that was most uncalled for!” he said, slumping into a chair and cradling his head in both hands. ...
2025-07-21 16:04:50 +0000 UTC View PostThe sound of frantic hammering, harsh orders being yelled, and desperate preparation echoed out around us as we approached the Cod. The sign had been hung above the door, and the dancing neon lights added a slightly jarring science fiction vibe to the medieval aesthetic of the street.
Despite the hustle and bustle of a town bracing itself for a siege, there was a queue of people str...
2025-07-18 17:15:33 +0000 UTC View Post“Halt! Do not approach the town!”
The Rompers, I briefly wondered if I should introduce them to the Bonkers and try to bring some sanity to Helstatian naming conventions, had erected a series of barricades between the houses around the edge of town. Crude palisades had been thrown up across the roads and paths. It barely qualified to be called a wall, but it wa...
2025-07-17 18:20:54 +0000 UTC View PostThe bunnies were wising up. Carrots, lettuce, and assorted vegetables had worked as bait up until recently. Now they didn’t even come to the edge of their warrens as I wafted the delicious veggies by the entrance.
“Milord, if it pleases you, milord, I’m quite sure I do not like this plan of yours! Milord.”
Pedro stood in his scruffy robes, shifting nervous...
2025-07-16 15:19:50 +0000 UTC View PostI had created a new pile next to my lovely shiny one. This one was less pleasant to look at, but it was quickly being consumed. Biomass sto
I had created a new pile next to my lovely shiny one. This one was less pleasant to look at, but it was quickly being consumed.
Biomass stored:
78.5 KG
Bioma...
2025-07-15 17:26:27 +0000 UTC View PostOn the whole, the bar sign was well received, at least by Esme. Jenny muttered some nice things, then asked to be shown to her room. “I’ve
On the whole, the bar sign was well received, at least by Esme. Jenny muttered some nice things, then asked to be shown to her room.
“I’ve been sleeping on dirt or stone for more than a week.” She stretched as she rose...
2025-07-14 16:48:10 +0000 UTC View Post“What seems to be the problem, Lieutenant?” Johnson asked as he strode into the Cod with his helmet tucked under one arm. He was still full
“What seems to be the problem, Lieutenant?” Johnson asked as he strode into the Cod with his helmet tucked under one arm. He was still fully armoured; I had a feeling he probably slept in it.
“This peasant laid hands on an ...
2025-07-11 15:27:35 +0000 UTC View PostThe formerly lazily guarded entrances to town were now locked down by at least a dozen men and women. This lot weren’t wearing rusty chainm
The formerly lazily guarded entrances to town were now locked down by at least a dozen men and women. This lot weren’t wearing rusty chainm
The formerly lazily guarded entrances to town were now locked down by at least a dozen me...
2025-07-10 17:14:22 +0000 UTC View Post“Bob, I want to go home, please!” Jenny said quickly.
“Look, I’m sorry about this. I wasn’t aware that my dungeon manager had let things slide so much while I was away.” Kat stuck her tongue out and made an obscene gesture at me. “I’ll get you down to the Mill at first light, and you’ll see how it’s not so different from Baginton.”
“B...
2025-07-09 19:51:58 +0000 UTC View PostIt took me an hour or so of wandering around, a massive dragon waving some carrots and cooing softly, but Bun-Bun had eventually hopped out of a warren and sat there twitching his nose at me and waggling his fluffy bum. He was so cute! I wasn’t sure I had it in me to-
Eye beams slashed across my scales, and the bottom halves of the carrots dropped to the ground. ...
2025-07-08 19:52:25 +0000 UTC View PostKat did not immediately appear, which was worrying. I donned my battle-monocle and scanned around my lair. I got no flashes of data to sug
Kat did not immediately appear, which was worrying. I donned my battle-monocle and scanned around my lair. I got no flashes of data to sug
Kat did not immediately appear, which was worrying. I donned my battle-monocl...
2025-07-07 15:22:14 +0000 UTC View PostA foot-long claw of ebony chitin reached delicately between two of my rear fangs and rooted around for a moment before emerging with a scrap of fabric hooked on the end. I was reasonably confident that I had done the world a favour by removing these vermin from its face.
“So run that by me one more time, slowly, please.”
The leader of the bandits was pinned between the fin...
2025-07-04 19:43:00 +0000 UTC View Post“Yeeeaaahhhh!” I couldn’t see her, but I assumed Jenny was waving a fist in the air. Soon, I could drop her off, introduce her to Esme and Benton, go find something to eat and get some biomass, then have a nice long snooze on my soon-to-be massive pile of shinies. The thought kept me content as Jenny treated me like a seaside donkey with wings.
“Where’s that?...
2025-07-03 19:49:14 +0000 UTC View PostJenny bid her father a tearful farewell. I kind of felt bad about that, but she had assured me he was a better baker than her, he’d been he
Jenny bid her father a tearful farewell. I kind of felt bad about that, but she had assured me he was a better baker than her, he’d been her mentor in the art of pastry, and now that his alimentary issues were resolved, he’d be back ...
2025-07-02 14:01:28 +0000 UTC View PostAs the poop-laden air passed into my throat, I vomited. Two whole chicken carcasses covered in steaming acid, an entire leg of Gamblepric (
As the poop-laden air passed into my throat, I vomited. Two whole chicken carcasses covered in steaming acid, an entire leg of Gamblepric (
As the poop-laden air passed into my throat, I vomited. Two whole chicken carcasses cov...
2025-07-01 20:12:40 +0000 UTC View PostWe had been on the road for six days and were due to arrive at Baginton sometime this afternoon. Despite arguing they would be necessary, T
We had been on the road for six days and were due to arrive at Baginton sometime this afternoon. Despite arguing they would be necessary, Tex had not hired any more guards. I rolled out of my blankets and added some wood to the ember...
2025-06-30 19:07:13 +0000 UTC View PostAfter settling our arrangements with Alice, Tex took me shopping. I was aware that eating him was not an acceptable response; it would be b
After settling our arrangements with Alice, Tex took me shopping. I was aware that eating him was not an acceptable response; it would be b
After settling our arrangements with Alice, Tex took me shopping. I was aware that eati...
2025-06-29 19:22:33 +0000 UTC View PostTex reemerged in clean trousers and smiled broadly at me. “I’m glad I didn’t make a fool of myself!” he said happily. “Right. Healer fir
Tex reemerged in clean trousers and smiled broadly at me. “I’m glad I didn’t make a fool of myself!” he said happily. “Right. Healer fir
Tex reemerged in clean trousers and smiled ...
2025-06-28 20:14:56 +0000 UTC View PostOnce Samantha, an extremely pretty woman in a maid's outfit made for someone two sizes smaller than her, had been and gone, Tex was permitte
Once Samantha, an extremely pretty woman in a maid's outfit made for someone two sizes smaller than her, had been and gone, Tex was permitte
Once Samantha, an extremely pretty woman in a maid's outfit made for someone two sizes smaller than her...
2025-06-27 18:36:43 +0000 UTC View Post“Five fucking gold!” I snarled once we were back on the street.
“Jesus, Bob! Keep it down!” Tex hissed. “You want the Gloomies taking an interest in us? That’s a lot of money around here. They probably can’t kill you, but I’m a merchant! I’m a slit throat away from the end!”
The large man leaning against the wall when we went in had ...
2025-06-26 16:41:33 +0000 UTC View PostPhillpot’s Palace of Pecuniary Pap was located on the edge of the part of Ankmapak known as The Glooming. It was a good way west from the Long Horn, and I was surprised to realise that the part of town we’d traipsed through previously was relatively upmarket. We had crossed one of the many bridges that ran along the length of the river, and once we passed over Regret’s Arch, as the...
2025-06-26 16:40:48 +0000 UTC View PostOn Tex’s advice, I had put away my fancy suit and was once again wearing a simple tunic and trousers. The creak and groan as the wagon rumbled along the wide, paved street towards the Greatest City In The World (™) was lost in the cacophony caused by about a thousand similar vehicles doing exactly the same thing.
“Bet y’all thought getting stuck in traffic was ...
2025-06-26 16:40:12 +0000 UTC View Post“Bob! For the love of god! Stop!” Tex hissed. It sounded like his teeth were clenched shut. I had been taking a note out of dear Kat’s b
“Bob! For the love of god! Stop!” Tex hissed. It sounded like his teeth were clenched shut. I had been taking a note out of dear Kat’s book and aiming for low blows as much as possible. “Brigh...
2025-06-26 16:39:28 +0000 UTC View PostI hastily snapped my mouth closed with a clop sound. This was familiar. Not in the sense I’d been there before, but there was something that looked suspiciously like a jukebox in one corner, blaring out an incredibly annoying song about butter or something equally banal.
The fixtures and fittings could have been lifted directly from any pub or bar back on Earth. Plush seats,...
2025-06-26 16:38:46 +0000 UTC View PostIt turned out that the glowing spheres this world used instead of bulbs were called lightballs. Very imaginative. I stood, staring like a fucking tourist at the exterior of the temple of Bulb, God of Light. It looked like a neon nightmare, everything blinked and flashed in different colours. The architecture was lost in the clashing glare of light. All bar the towe...
2025-06-26 16:38:02 +0000 UTC View PostFlying at night was fun. With my jet-black body, I felt like a stealth bomber as I headed south to rendezvous with Tex. The towns and villages were constellations below me, the farms and homesteads were lonely stars on the ground, and the larger settlements shone like beacons. I had to move in the darkness, people tended to freak out when I passed above their homes, and while ...
2025-06-26 16:36:55 +0000 UTC View PostBiomass stored:
208.5 KG
Biomass required for evolution: 90 KG.
Evolve: Y/N?
I belched loudly. I’d been hunting in the land to the north of Mount Bob and was currently draped, wings outspread, over the top of a small grassy knoll, looking back to the south.&nbs...
2025-06-26 16:36:14 +0000 UTC View PostDungeon Status:
Unnamed Dungeon.
Level: 5
Floors: 7 (Residential (Industrial) (Agricultural) (TBCx4)
Rooms: 11
Sprite level: 1
Minions: 11/30
Hoard: 10004 gold 2025-06-26 16:35:13 +0000 UTC View Post