“Esme? What would you like?” I asked. She glanced down at the drinks menu, then looked up at me and smiled broadly. She leant forward, highlighting her assets.
“I’ll have whatever you’re having, Bob dear.” She winked at me. I could feel the air around Jezebel growing colder by the moment.
“We’ll have a bottle of the Grousebotherer, please,” ...
2025-06-26 16:34:20 +0000 UTC View PostI pondered the orb. The small crystal sphere sat neatly in my palm, and I stared into its depths. As with so many magical trinkets, and in fact life itself, intent was everything.
A series of glowing ellipses appeared in the centre of the ball that shifted and flowed. One moment it looked like E.E, then it was FoD and as they shifted and changed a faint ring-ringing nois...
2025-06-25 20:13:15 +0000 UTC View Post“Sir Bob! What a state you’re in! Come on in and have a drink,” Esme called from where she was dropping some bowls of stew off with other patrons. She turned, looked at me over her shoulder, and walked back towards the bar. Her buttocks bobbed like ripe fruit on stormy seas, and I headed over to join her in a semi-hypnotised state.
“You look like you’ve b...
2025-06-25 20:11:33 +0000 UTC View Post“No, Bob. You can’t keep him! Where the hell is he going to live?” snapped Kat as I held up my badly bruised new pet in one claw. A brown eye opened and started to pulse red, but I gave him a shake, and he stopped the attack.
“Bad Bun-Bun! Be nice to Auntie Kat!”
“I am not that level fifty-five Uni-bunny Overlord's aunt, you pillock! It’s ...
2025-06-24 19:25:23 +0000 UTC View PostAt our second meeting, Mick still reminded me of a human-scaled Goblin, his long droopy nose touched the froth on his ale every time he raised his tankard, which he had to wipe off on his now-damp sleeve.
“Mind if I join you for a minute, Mick?” I asked, waving at the seat opposite him. He was drinking alone and had a sour aura around him that seemed effective at keeping others ...
2025-06-23 20:07:52 +0000 UTC View Post“Your very good health, sir!” I raised my tankard of ale and toasted my companion. He took a long drink and placed the cup down delicately. He turned it slowly so the handle pointed directly at his chest. It was a slightly awkward moment, then he looked up and met my eyes.
“Thank you for the ale and the food, Mr. Bob.--”
“It’s just Bob, dude.”
...
2025-06-22 19:28:24 +0000 UTC View PostPlease work, please work, please work!
Biomass stored:
174 KG
Biomass required for evolution: 70 KG.
Evolve: Y/N?
Rolling for evolution choices…
Please select from the following six options:
... 2025-06-21 19:34:11 +0000 UTC View PostFine dining, haute cuisine, luxury restaurants. None of these phrases could be used to accurately describe The Swinging Cod, Fiddler’s Mills' preeminent and only bar slash restaurant.
The ceiling was low, and thick tendrils of what I hoped was tobacco smoke curled in the air above me. The furniture consisted of wooden tables and stools. A fat man in a filthy apron stoo...
2025-06-20 18:25:43 +0000 UTC View Post“I think I’m alright actually,” I said, starting to rise from my chair. He clicked his fingers, and the wrist and ankle straps wound closed around my limbs.
“Now, now, you’ve got such lovely thick hair, I think we can do something truly wonderful with it. Have you seen the images of Count Taddler? He’s got this wonderful style, a quiff they call i...
2025-06-19 19:50:32 +0000 UTC View Post“You can look like anyone you want to, and you choose like your old self? Talk about wasting an opportunity!” Kat chuckled as she looked me up and down. “Your eyes aren’t right, and you’ve still got a forked tongue. Teeth are a bit pointy as well, so don’t smile too much.”
“What’s wrong with my eyes?” I reached out my once again perfectly human-lookin...
2025-06-18 18:13:32 +0000 UTC View Post“I’m Harold Hard-Prick, lord.” I glared at my latest minion.
“You’re shitting me.”
“It’s a proud name in Longbottom. There’s always been a Hard-Prick in the Longbottom.” I wiped a paw down my face and thanked every god apart from Karen that as a rule Kat got to deal with this bullshit.
“Ok. Nice to meet you, Harold. ...
2025-06-17 21:05:50 +0000 UTC View PostI stuck my head around the edge of an even more impressive Portal Of Doom and quickly scanned across the boss’s space. In cages around the room, a number of cultists were engaged in pretty gruesome acts of mutual torture, thrashing around in pleasure. The rest of the walls were lined with boring-looking bookshelves and desks. In the centre, sitting in an ornate chair carved ...
2025-06-16 19:33:09 +0000 UTC View Post“Well, we got four hundred and sixty-three Gold Coins back from Tex,” I removed my monocle and rubbed at the bridge of my nose. “So not a bad profit. We need to get some more stuff for him.” I glanced lovingly at the crystal ball Tex had given me. It was twinned to one that he carried, and I could use it to speak to him when I needed to. It would be months...
2025-06-16 00:20:27 +0000 UTC View Post“Well, on the plus side, the minion wages have come down a bit now that we’re producing our own food. The Janglebonks are vegetarian so they will still be costing us for victuals but the rest will eat whatever shit we throw at them from the farm,” Kat said. I looked over at her from where I was perched atop my hoard.
“I’m paying to feed those irritating buggers? ...
2025-06-13 20:33:19 +0000 UTC View PostThe crescent moon was high in the sky; thin clouds streamed away from it like banners. It had turned out that sneaking into a farm wasn’t as easy as you’d think when you were a dragon, despite how sneaky we were supposed to be in this world.
Cows really didn’t like giant flying lizards. Who would have believed it? It was honestly kind of offensive. I hadn’t...
2025-06-12 22:57:57 +0000 UTC View Post“Never again, Kat!” I snarled as I gingerly lowered myself back onto my hoard. I reached up and carefully pulled the last of the barbed spines the little shits had kept hidden in their fur from where it impaled the roof of my mouth.
“What? Oh, don’t be a big scaly baby! So you’ve got no resistance to magic yet, so what?” the pixie snickered as she hopped up f...
2025-06-11 21:58:51 +0000 UTC View PostThe beige bot introduced itself by ranting at me about transdimensional flux capacity load carriers, then started crying after I coated it in acid. It turned into an arm and rocket punched its way out of the room through the ceiling vent, just like Red had.
Pink asked me about my feelings, then gave me a quick lecture on consent as the acid ate into its face. It turned into an...
2025-06-10 23:33:58 +0000 UTC View PostThe hatch down into my dungeon had grown. It was now big enough for me to slip through with six inches spare on either side. I hoped it would continue to scale upwards as I grew larger.
The iron staircase had widened as well, but I didn’t need it this time. The cage was gone, so I leapt out into the cave and spiralled down to the ground. The space was vast; I had...
2025-06-09 21:05:09 +0000 UTC View Post“The crossbows are dual-purpose goods! You must understand what a Hurbledart can do to a defenceless village in the night! They should be excluded from our arrangement! A man has to make a living, and every peasant has the right to self-defence!” Tex complained bitterly as Kat went over his bill of lading. She shoved a tiny pair of spectacles back up her nose and pac...
2025-06-09 21:04:13 +0000 UTC View PostIn the end, I ate his other ox. I wasn’t proud of it, but I was peckish.
76.5 KG
Biomass required for evolution: 50 KG.
Fifty-four GC added to the hoard.
I had enough biomass for another evolution, but I wasn’t even considering i...
2025-06-06 21:27:14 +0000 UTC View Post“What’s your name, mate?” I asked.
“Um… Howdy! I’m Russel von Whaley, travelling merchant extraordinaire. At your- er, service!” He stopped cowering behind his wagon for long enough to stand and sweep his patchwork cap off his head. He bowed to me. As soon as his hat hid his bald pate again, he ducked back behind his wagon, and I heard his teeth chatt...
2025-06-06 10:07:41 +0000 UTC View PostBiomass stored:
64.5 KG
Biomass required for evolution: 40 KG.
Evolve: Y/N?
I clicked yes. I had plans for the rest of the day; Kat had assured me the thieving Dwelvers would be busy moving down through Mount Bob, so I was going to go exploring.
I poked at the large metal litter tray that held my loot from the first floor. I had piled everything up and brought it to my lair from the darkness below. With the monocle on, I was getting basic information on each of the items.
Item: Scroll of Parental Disapproval x1
Insecurity increases tenfold, permanent effect
... 2025-06-03 23:11:55 +0000 UTC View PostI couldn’t smell, for which I was profoundly grateful, and I wasn’t certain how I was able to breathe. As far as I could tell, my lungs were currently transformed into fire as well. Fingers scratched and clawed at me as the thing shifted like the amagams had, but this was just a baby in comparison to Ashrot, and I’d burned enough of them from the inside to know how to deal wit...
2025-06-02 20:02:37 +0000 UTC View PostI looked down from Glimpse, and sure enough, the tide was withdrawing rapidly. It was moving backwards at about the speed a normal man could sprint, dragging itself up into a massive wall of water that was sweeping towards us from the horizon.
No, it was much closer than the horizon. It had become the horizon, distorting my sense of perspective.
<...
2025-05-30 21:13:27 +0000 UTC View PostI waddled back to the iron staircase and dragged myself up the steps, claws clicking every time I moved towards my beloved hoard. My bloated gut was catching every step as I climbed. Kat hadn’t shut up since we killed the boss.
“How did you break that ruby? You’re incorporeal, princess,” I grumbled for about the third time. A sigh echoed out from behind my ...
2025-05-29 23:37:17 +0000 UTC View PostChest discovered x3!
Rolling for contents…
Congratulations Dungeoneer!
Item: Jeremiah’s Hirsute Solution x1
Item: Scroll of Parental Disapproval x1
Item: Blade of Hitting The High Notes x1
There wasn’t any posturing or pontificating from the human elements of Mortimer’s army. They saw we had broken through, and a barrage of spells was launched at us. Most of them were blocked by shields, but I felt dozens of threads snap in my soul from behind me.
Jandak was a blur, leaping from side to side as bolts of elemental fury blew past him and he closed the di...
2025-05-28 21:45:58 +0000 UTC View Post“Up!” I roared. “Get your shit together! We’re moving out!”
I threw off my bed furs and snatched them back into a storage ring. The camp was badly lit by the first hint of dawn, but the sentries jumped at my yell and began to hurry about waking the rest of the force.
“Mond? What the hell? The army won’t engage them for another six hours!&n...
2025-05-26 19:28:54 +0000 UTC View PostBelow the hatch, an iron staircase spiralled down into darkness. I moved down it slowly, my shadow occluding the path forward as the only light source was coming from the open portal to my lair above us. The stairway was ornate, tiny filigree dragons worked into the metal, and it had a baroque, medieval aesthetic that I found strangely pleasing. The little dragons were images of my ...
2025-05-25 20:55:53 +0000 UTC View Post