“Kurt, take the crystal. Keep the cyborgs on patrol and kill any tendrils of the Deep One that dare to show their faces. See if you can get the hang of making them use flamers as well,” Jones ordered, passing the tiny gem over to the dwarf whose eyes glazed over as he took over control.
“This is… sehr geil!” he exclaimed.
“Just don’t let them get too near t...
2025-09-19 19:37:37 +0000 UTC View PostCan you see it yet? Tezca demanded. Considering he was a ghostly jaguar being subsumed by my soul, the guy was a pretty harsh taskmaster.
“No, I can’t bloody see it!”
Reach out for your followers, your believers. Focus on them.
I tried to relax, letting the tension flow out of my muscles, starting from my toes and working my way up through m...
2025-09-19 19:28:26 +0000 UTC View PostThis was not acceptable. I was tired, a little hungry, and now some shapeshifting nightmare from the depths of the Unterwelt had added me to its menu. I put people on the menu; it didn’t work the other way around.
I exhaled a torrent of orange-green fire that bathed the biological missile before passing on to the monsters further back. Glowing shields sprang up around ...
2025-09-18 20:33:09 +0000 UTC View Post“I take it you two are already acquainted?” asked the figure from the throne designed for human growth hormone addicts. It looked a bit like the end of Conan, with him sitting on his throne leaning on his sword, only this guy had as much hair as Arnie had muscles. And the throne was about fifteen sizes too big for him. I could only assume that he had to fly up to reach his...
2025-09-17 20:21:42 +0000 UTC View PostDammit. Now I had pixie paste all over one hand, a partially paralysed elf, and a dozen unconscious humans to protect. I shifted back into my real body and stomped over to the dwarf who had dropped his horn.
“Pick it up and sound an all clear,” I growled, my fanged maw sliding in to hover a few inches from his face.
“Fuck you, you scheiße-breathed bastard!” snap...
2025-09-16 19:57:27 +0000 UTC View PostI shapeshifted into my human form and stepped out of the now oversized loop of enchanted chain.
Yes, I am not the brightest bulb, but seeing as it was my own greed and regret that came up with the idea, I was fairly confident I could take credit for it, and no one would dare to argue.
“Missa Somnambulis!” I barked, rubbing at my throat, which felt sunburned by whatever magic had...
2025-09-15 20:04:13 +0000 UTC View Post“You summoned us, lord?” Panash said as the Beatuties were led into a command tent. “I must say the new guards are a little much. Don’t you think? Twenty nomads and a dozen giants to guard lovers, not fighters, seems unnecessarily repressive.” He was immaculately dressed, as were the rest of them, despite having been rousted from their tents before the sun had even r...
2025-09-15 19:57:42 +0000 UTC View Post“Whatthefu–” I began. I didn’t have a speech prepared for this situation, but I was willing to swear extemporaneously.
“Be silent and do not move!” barked the high-pitched voice from my shoulders. My muscles locked up. My wings were half cocked, having risen in anticipation of the downbeat needed to launch myself into the air.
“You sure got him,...
2025-09-12 19:40:05 +0000 UTC View PostI pulled my aura in tight and blended into the shadows. I slipped through the outer palisade and moved quietly through the yurts. They were even more haphazardly arranged than my own tribes camp layouts. Too many corners and places to lurk, short sight-lines, and not enough guards.
A pair of patrolling warriors emerged around a corner and turned to stare at me. I c...
2025-09-12 19:34:24 +0000 UTC View PostThe Garglewood was vast and unpleasant. It wasn’t a sunlit forest, with birds and small fluffy things gambolling through the boughs. No Bambi mourned his mum, nor did Mr. Bluebird poop on anyone's shoulder. It was a giant swamp filled with weirdly shaped trees and insects that liked to crawl between my scales and try to nibble at the fleshy bits underneath.
God-f...
2025-09-11 20:20:48 +0000 UTC View PostThe temperature dropped rapidly as night fell. Without any clouds to retain the warmth, the crystal-clear sky sucked the heat away. The fires were lit and roaring, rich smells of roasting meat filled the air. Huge cauldrons were filled with stews and various delicacies, and rare foodstuffs from the south and east were being prepared.
I hadn’t missed my ‘throne’. I...
2025-09-10 20:33:02 +0000 UTC View Post“Johnson?” I yelled, getting back to my feet and plucking the bolt from my shoulder. “Fronge, Edible-Reg was a dick. He deserved to get eaten. Don’t shoot me again, or you’re going on the menu as well.”
Figures emerged from behind the big rock and the trees, forming a barricade across the road that I approached with the respect they were due. A casual stroll ...
2025-09-10 20:25:15 +0000 UTC View PostLuckdire was already waiting for me in the barroom of the Long Horn when I got downstairs the next day. I was in a foul mood, despite the ‘success’ of the plot.
“Ah, Bob! When are we off?” he said, bustling over to me as I stepped through the door.
“It’s too early for cheerful. Beville, any messages?”
“Not this morning,...
2025-09-09 19:01:16 +0000 UTC View Post“Do you see how the lips are the most desiccated. They ought to be the least; all the fluid in the body had to pass through them as part of the rapid dehydration. So in theory, they should retain their moistness for the longest period, and any lingering dampness that escaped the spell effect would be in that particular area.” Gerty was in his element, the rest of us forgot...
2025-09-08 20:02:20 +0000 UTC View PostI opened my eyes back in the real world and leapt to my feet. I swept Fay into a hug and held her tight.
“Missed you,” I whispered into her ear, earning a kiss on the neck in reply. Then her hands gently, but very firmly, pushed me back.
“Husband.” Her voice was cool. I glanced around. Jandak was smirking at me, Haylin stood next to him, and Kos...
2025-09-08 19:56:07 +0000 UTC View Post“How did you think I was going to frame Hateskale?” Agatha asked as she took my arm and led me toward the group containing both our host and her victim.
“I don’t know. Leave a clump of his hair under her fingernails? A note from his minions saying not to mess with them in the future?” I hypothesised.
“Dear Bob. You really aren’t the brightest, are you...
2025-09-05 18:17:08 +0000 UTC View PostOne of the Six has fallen! Raymond Cobbler has killed Marwan Amir! The third Exile has fallen!
Raymond will have access to a curated selection of rewards for taking the third step on his true path.
Shikrakyn slain x1.
No Souls harvested.
Choose ...
2025-09-05 18:11:34 +0000 UTC View PostIn the end, I shook his hand. Yet another contract was signed, and the list of my obligations increased. As profitable as coming to the city was, I was going to be sending minions in the future. I’d get Inedible-Reg to make a set of portals for Tex when he got to the Mill, and have the peddler handle as much of it as I could get away with.
I returned to the Horn and lu...
2025-09-04 20:19:53 +0000 UTC View PostThe squads that had come out to herd the surviving cat-monsters back into captivity were much more cautious as they approached me. I was struggling to get my left leg into my trousers, balancing awkwardly on one foot.
“Be right with you, fellas!” I called, finally getting my foot through and buttoning up the fly to return myself to something approaching decency. Did they h...
2025-09-03 19:44:26 +0000 UTC View PostMy sword appeared from storage in my right hand, and my left pulled the dagger from my belt. I rushed forward, slicing at anything that got close or impeded my path. One more kill, and maybe we could have some peace for a while.
I threw down a Firewall, shaping the pattern to create a corridor between Amir and me, with offshoots spreading out to attack his Soulbound and divide...
2025-09-03 19:37:35 +0000 UTC View PostI soared over the heads of the crowd, passed gracefully over the barriers around the arena, and landed with a splash of sand between Brigitte and Kelly Krimsonscale. I did not do a superhero landing. A simple flex of the knees was enough to absorb my momentum. I have some standards, after all.
“WHAT’S THIS? A new challenger has appeared!” The voice then...
2025-09-02 18:49:15 +0000 UTC View PostIt had been expensive. But the lust monkey in my mind had won out over the greed-demon in the end. Messily. What Esme wanted with such an outfit… Well, I knew what she wanted. And I was both pleased and slightly disturbed. In a good way.
Having returned to the Horn, I’d passed the evening drinking. I had subtly kept topping off my glass with booze s...
2025-09-01 19:41:26 +0000 UTC View PostGlimpse trailed the Scholar’s ship for a day before turning back to rejoin us as we sailed and rowed towards my destination. The next three days passed peacefully, and I found myself saying farewell to Prender, Yalt, and the rest of the crew.
“Lord.” Prender bent almost in half at the waist. The revelation that I was, in fact, the dreaded Warlord of the North had d...
2025-09-01 19:35:28 +0000 UTC View PostChapter 2 narrated by the author of my existence! Hope you enjoy! I'll crack the whip and get the old man making more!
Thanks very much for your support!
Chris
2025-08-31 08:36:00 +0000 UTC View Post“Baronet Bob the dragon, to see Baron Pratnip, if he has a moment.”
This footman looked considerably posher than Von Kolben’s had been. A tidy blue uniform lined with gold frogwork and embroidery. Instead of a tricorne hat, he wore something that looked right out of Victorian London. A tall, stove-pipe affair, the broad brim throwing his dark eyes into further shad...
2025-08-29 20:02:18 +0000 UTC View Post“How many want to come aboard?” yelled Prender.
“Where’s your captain, boy? No disrespect to you, but we come in peace. It’s only polite for an officer to be met by an officer!”
“I’m captain of the Windspite! You and two others can come aboard. No more!” He turned to one of the oarmen. “Yalt, get a dozen armed men up here fast!” Th...
2025-08-29 19:56:27 +0000 UTC View PostVon Kolben lived in a modest manor house at the edge of the ‘rich-bastards’ part of town. The city guards were out in force in this area, patrolling in groups of two or three on every street. The hubbub and hoi poloi of the rest of the city, as well as the urchins and street vendors, were notably absent.
A short gravel drive led to a gatehouse set in tall wrought iron fenc...
2025-08-28 18:37:12 +0000 UTC View PostMy eyes snapped open in Jasper’s cabin, and my aura flashed out around me. Someone cried out, and as I sat up, I saw Prended ducking behind the central table as lines of blood dripped down his flesh, and his tunic was slashed in a dozen places. Bob stood stoically, sparks flashing as the invisible blades glanced off his armoured shell.
I reached for control and pulled it bac...
2025-08-27 20:05:45 +0000 UTC View PostI turned like I was wearing a neck brace, or like Batman before he got a helmet upgrade. Defiant Belligerence settled onto the barstool next to me and waved a finger at Beville, who had retreated down the bar. Without his armour, he looked like he had sounded, thin and fragile.
“Lord Inquaestor, what’ll it be, sir?” he asked with pure professionalism as he returned. I su...
2025-08-27 19:51:35 +0000 UTC View Post“As a civilised being, I’m willing to give you a whole ten seconds to explain what just happened,” I growled. He smelled tasty, though, and it was taking a legendary feat of self-control to resist simply eating or squashing this mammal into paste.
“Ah sir I already knew you were very tough my spells ascertained your ARM was off the charts so I went straight to high-end testi...
2025-08-26 20:27:01 +0000 UTC View Post