‘That’s a fucking large crow,’ or some Juntian exclamation along those lines, are not the greatest last words that a man could hope for. It was better than a heart attack on the shitter, or the phrase ‘what bus?’, but not by much. Something along the lines of ‘big bird’ was the final thing to slip past the lips of the lookout who was perched high on the central mast of...
2025-08-25 20:18:05 +0000 UTC View Post“I’d like to take a look around if that’s ok?” I asked Luckdire as we left Grahidin to deal with his pets.
“Are you considering enrolling?” he asked as he led me out of the guesthouse and back into the psychedelic grounds.
“I might be. It would depend on what was in it for me.”
“Hmm. It isn’t cheap. Annual tuition runs at somet...
2025-08-25 20:07:24 +0000 UTC View PostThe kid did the talking, backed by heavy-set galley slaves. I watched via Glimpse as an argument ensued. I got the feeling the pirates were changing the deal, and the kid was doing his timid best to insist on payment. Silly boy, but no matter, he was selling the setup admirably.
One of the pirates, a tall, thin man with an impressively long moustache, lashed out and knoc...
2025-08-22 19:38:17 +0000 UTC View PostHaving established that Phillpot was once again trying to screw me over, despite Nyal apparently screaming in his mind and threatening unimaginable astral punishments the next time he slept as he did so, I was now cheerfully expecting five million in the morning. I’d extracted the directions to the Mages Guild’s Academy from him and had made my way there with a spring in my step.
<... 2025-08-22 19:23:22 +0000 UTC View Post“Ah, that’s ok.” I’d already seen what he had to offer when he Sharon Stone-d me the first time I was here.
“Oh, come now.” He rose and turned his back, something I was extremely grateful for, before shucking his kimono, Then his flesh rippled like I was looking through a heat haze, and something angular appeared as the shaking air returned to normal.
Gleami...
2025-08-21 19:28:32 +0000 UTC View PostA foot bounced off my head, and I snatched it up in my right hand. A swift yank not only helped pull me to my feet but also threw the man onto his back. Pelip screamed and cursed me in a language I didn’t understand as I squeezed until I heard bones snap.
There were another ten or so of them spread out in a loose half-circle around me. They flinched back at the yells o...
2025-08-20 19:03:34 +0000 UTC View PostMrs. Sanderson was sitting at a desk almost as impressive as Dalgliesh’s. She had two trays, one on each side of her. Paperwork appeared in one with a pinging noise. It was then picked up, read, and amended with her blurring quill in fractions of a second, then finally placed in the outgoing tray. Documents immediately vanished with a pong noise as they hit the other t...
2025-08-20 18:51:10 +0000 UTC View Post“Mr. B, I hope you have an explanation for this!” snapped a feminine voice from behind me. As I spun, dropping into the combat stance known as Using-A-French-Toilet-With-Wrath, feet spread and knees bent at almost ninety degrees, I took in my new surroundings.
The walls were dank stone, grey and streaked with green. The steady trickle of water from somewhere above collecte...
2025-08-19 20:38:47 +0000 UTC View Post“My lord?” Jariu’s voice came from the other side of the door. I glanced around the small room and dragged myself back to my feet. I was knackered. I’d been up late. After Gawlo had come round and confirmed the efficacy of my ‘treatments’, a steady stream of women had been presented to me. Soon enough, they were coming from other, nearby houses of ill ...
2025-08-18 20:41:26 +0000 UTC View Post“No thanks.”
“I didn’t even tell you what it would be! I’m looking for some people to form a new–” I began.
“Don’t care.” Lockso took a suspicious sip of his drink, then grunted in what I assumed was approval.
“The pay would be in dungeon runs.” His eyes swung back to my own as I said this, but his blank expression didn’t waver. ...
2025-08-18 20:17:47 +0000 UTC View PostNear the bar was a table with a small sign on it that said ‘reserved’. That was my little corner of solitude. While it had four of the comfy new chairs placed around the circular drinking platform, only one of them had the impression left in the cushion that suggested regular use. I settled my buttocks into the familiar grooves and pulled a bottle of Golden Jack out of my ...
2025-08-15 20:10:15 +0000 UTC View Post“Bob, what have you done?” Kat snapped at me, straightening her low-cut, lacy apron. “Angelic Wings shouldn’t have led to a divine roll. Have you been sending the system feet pics or something?”
“The system is an asshole. And no, I haven’t.”
“Heaven’s Cloudy Pinnacle! That’s why. Scale-brain, listen to me very carefully: if you don’t h...
2025-08-14 17:38:46 +0000 UTC View Post“If that’s what you’re looking for, then you would be best to try one of the dockside taverns. The Gilded Vessel is as good a place as any.”
I stood outside the tavern with a sceptical expression on my face. It was grimy with soot, and the dull green paint was chipping away in places. A simple cup painted bright yellow was carved into a sign that hung above...
2025-08-13 19:06:10 +0000 UTC View PostI ducked to one side and shot out a fist to punch the monster back against the wall. Rising-Nut-Cracker did exactly what it said on the tin and caught the beast at the juncture of lower limbs and torso in a way that would make any man weep to see. Alas, these things lacked all sensitivity, and the clumps of tentacles that sprouted from the shoulders of the thing writhed out to trap me.&nb...
2025-08-13 18:52:28 +0000 UTC View Post“They’ll still be broken a bit longer. Hee hee!”
I sighed. The sun was setting, and I still had shit to do today. The oranges and reds in the sky were reflected in the gleaming steel arrayed against me.
“Sarge, I want to talk to Longfellow and come to an arrangement. I do not want to fight you. Reg was an exception; he threatened to take something pre...
2025-08-12 19:26:09 +0000 UTC View PostLevel 200
Primary Stats: Body: SSS Mind: A Soul: A
Available Souls: 50438
Secondary Stats
Physical strength: 100 Reflexes: 60 Health: 1000
Magic strength: 40 Focus: 42 Mana: 1000 2025-08-11 20:05:04 +0000 UTC View Post
“Maybe we should talk about this?” White-Horses-Roll-Ashore threw my body to the side as I dodged the knight's attack and flowed into Hits-A-Home-Run to use three tails as a club and launch him away, sending him crashing into the leadership of the now-routed army.
“Columna Fumi!” chanted the female mage, mana forming into a sigil that looked like a bubbly tube on her palm.
<...
2025-08-11 19:31:06 +0000 UTC View PostJust as a little thank you to everyone who has given me their support on here, I've got a few chapters of audio narrated by my old man. He's a busy dude, so I can't promise a regular schedule or how much of the book will get done in this format, but for now, here it is.
I would just like to say thank you so much for your support. I was made redundant not long ago, and you folks are reall...
2025-08-09 17:25:13 +0000 UTC View PostI pulled one end of my portal pair in front of me, and eight cyber-bunnies spilled out and went to town on the army in a non-lethal fashion. I could feel their vicious minds chafing at the limitations I was enforcing, and they were doing their best to violate the spirit of the law while sticking to its letter.
Mana-cannons flickered scarlet beams across the charging soldiers. ...
2025-08-08 18:14:43 +0000 UTC View Post“Bob’s a good egg. He's a bit rough around the edges, but he’s been invaluable around town! Who the hells are you to question him, stranger?” Mrs. Hatrik snapped. In the end, I never found her missing pussy, but she was going to bat for me, and I was grateful.
There was a snipping sound as glowing blue scissors clicked in Mordechai’s hands. 2025-08-07 20:07:20 +0000 UTC View Post
I let Jenny, Esme, and Benton head back to the Cod through the portal, then I moved it to where I’d left my bunnie army guarding the shit behind the bank. I stepped through and reached out through the crystal to summon a standard one as well as the slightly dysfunctional one. I wanted to keep that one close. If it went loco, it could do a lot of damage to the relatively low-...
2025-08-06 20:22:23 +0000 UTC View PostFollowing a pleasant and relaxing time, that’s all you’re going to get about what happened on that grassy knoll. We headed back to Mount Bob. At least we didn’t assassinate a president from it, although we might have conceived one.
I flew Esme back to my lair and slid to a halt by my hoard. Offering her a leg to hop down, I quickly shifted back into my human form after s...
2025-08-05 20:06:34 +0000 UTC View Post“You want to know what it looks like?” I asked cautiously.
“Yeah, you know, is it all lumpy, dark, and misshapen, or is it nice and clean?” Esme asked with a twinkle in her eyes.
“Esme, dearest, what exactly are you asking to see?”
“The dungeon, of course! What did you think I meant?” She let out a throaty chuckle. Well, that wa...
2025-08-04 20:34:18 +0000 UTC View PostI pecked Esme on the cheek from where she was guarding the bar as I passed her, earning a cheeky giggle that converted into a squawk as my robo-rabbits filed through into the bar behind me.
“Bob, what the hell! Where did you come from? Are they-they’re what I think they are?” she asked excitedly.
“Troops for the war. Completely under my control.” I ...
2025-08-01 20:10:56 +0000 UTC View Post“That costs like two hundred gold!” I snapped, and Reginald backed away. Happily, he was now wearing simple red robes embroidered with blue and gold stars and arcane sigils. It was as though he was trying to live the stereotype of ‘wizard’ through fashion. All he needed was a pointy hat with a wide brim. His unfortunate excitement at the sight of Kat from before ...
2025-07-31 18:27:21 +0000 UTC View Post“You’se gotta marry my sister. She’s pretty; you’ll like her,” Geeku offered as we made our way back into the camp. Word had spread fast, almost magically so.
“Chief!” called an Orlic almost as large as Geeku as he strode out of the throng to slap me hard in the face. I blinked, then laid him out with an open palm to the side of his skull. His body tw...
2025-07-30 20:34:01 +0000 UTC View Post“You gotta let me win, but make it look close,” Geeku muttered to me as he waved his hands over his head and worked the crowd, who were still chanting about arboreal challenges. “I’ll move da mob east, but if I lose, we have to fight, and you’ll be da new chief.”
This was interesting news. Did I really want to take control of a warband of seven-foot-tall, battlemad...
2025-07-29 18:48:44 +0000 UTC View Post“OK, that isn’t going to work for me either, Klop.” His latest idea once again involved me letting him go and waiting outside the Orlic camp for Geeku to come and say hi. “What if I looked like a human?” I offered.
“Oomies don’t last long in da camp. We don’ try to ‘urt ‘em!” he added quickly as my expression darkened. “Dey just squishy, is ...
2025-07-28 19:22:12 +0000 UTC View Post“Well, you can’t eat those.”
“Very helpful, oh, wise guide. I don’t have a huge amount of biomass stashed. Or I won’t after I evolve again. I need to hunt.” I rose from my pile of shinies and shook myself out. I missed the sense of precious metals pressed against my scales as soon as I stood to my feet, and my mood blackened once more, but it co...
2025-07-25 18:11:01 +0000 UTC View PostI need to buy some sunglasses. My fists clenched at the thought. Why the hell should I part with some of my hoard to appease these mammals? I fought back the draconic parts of my mind and struggled for calm. Glancing away from Johnson, I pushed myself to shift my eyes back to their normal human form.
“Did you get hit on the head as well?” I asked, risk...
2025-07-24 17:43:19 +0000 UTC View Post