heatherbeck

Get Yourselves a Lucky Coin.

As the great Tobias Funke once said: Somewhere Over the Rainbow, There's Another Rainbow. I am sure there are more jokes to be made. I am also certain that that there is always money in The Banana Stand.

This is an essay about lucky coins, the practice of being both analyst and therapist (such an unfortunate business card), and a reading of a Tom Robbins essay that was published in Playb...

Footsies?

Just curious more than anything. There’s a theory that the part of the brain that likes large JubJubs is right next door to the part that likes footsies.

I’ve always been curious about the attraction. No objection, judgement, or anything, as I think it’s kinda cool to have a “thing.” (I mean, look at me.)

I’m just curious what the allure feels like, and what thoughts it...

Printing Out The Schematics

I think it's important to provide an update to everyone. Headphones recommended. And much love to the Lovelies.

Electric Boobaloo.

Yeah, subtitles rock.

(This is the pic on which the cover to EtHBE:2 is based. I'm sure it's a limited edition thing and is positively Tantalizing.)

004 - Politics and the Great F.S. Gatsby.

I sincerely apologize, in advance. Wakka Wakka Wakka!
But I do have a feeling that a few of you might... love the idea of falling asleep to something like this?
If you like this kind of thing, let me know. For real, it's a style that feels good, and I'm looking for a style, and this is my stab at making something pretty that I haven't elsewhere.
Please, do let me know. You can just ...

Lovely Rita Instagram.

That’s the offending picture. “S€%ual solicitation and all that. So one weird doghouse punishment? I can’t DM anyone for three days.

Here was the text!

Pretty brutal, needless to say. I was obviously in the wrong, 🙄 and will await my judgement by some tragically underpaid dude ...

Sharp Edges

Why the heck does the last bra that is both ‘commercially available’ and also ‘fits’… Why does it make Olga look so pointy? 🫨

A Tale of Two T!dDieZ! - Chapter 2: Pillars of Softness

I suppose, all I can say is... Enjoy! And also, the French are the best. I think the story got carried away; the wrangler -- myself -- only has the greatest affection for francophilic culture. And, I think my pervy ChatGPT is obsessed with the idea of phallic baguettes. Sausages too...

So many metaphors... Uh Oh. This might end up being the greatest story ever...

Chapter 1...

003 - Cervantiphants!

I knew I had something for that!

Otherwise, it would have been... Hummn.

It reads like 'elephants.' I shall speak for myself otherwise!

An acquired taste.

Or, I’m sure, a niche interest.

Or perhaps, as Benoit Blanc would say, “Compels me, though.”

A fan sent it along. I think it reminded them of me.

Needless to say, Nat and Olga are, at the very least, behaving themselves in this version of yours-truly. Attention, however, has shifted, apparently — can a girl get a break? 😅

It does raise a question, though: In...

Ridiculum (c. 10,000 AD)

This is nothing of import. Do not worry about this. It is only an abstract ideal. It deserves none of your time. This is not a place of honor; no highly esteemed deed is commemorated here (though I don’t ever think it will be repulsive to us 😉).

Move along, as there is nothing to see among this hostile architecture.

A Thoroughly Mediocre Tour.

If a picture is worth a thousand words, dozens of frames per second must be worth a jillion words.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Tantalus No. ?

More tests are needed. Back to the lab!!! There’s a freshie on the device:

Hashtag Breasteract. Hashtag Hyperbewb.

Tantalus Number … ?

One of the coolest things is when you have 15 different ideas, and then you watch them all merge into only one idea. This is where efficiency and creativity careen into one-another at breakneck hyper-speed.

Like when you have a bunch of goofy lore that you want to turn into a puzzle? That’s also a clue? That’s also a story in-and-of itself? That’s also an experiment in temptation? T...

Heather Beck has asked you to participate in her cavalcade of malcontents on…

Yeah, or whatever. I do not have a LinkedIn that anyone can join. Which must make you 59% more affectionate toward me. That’s what the algo sayz!

But if I DID have a LinkedIn, I suppose this would be a very affectionate and thoroughly professional headshot. I took some liberties with filters, because you have permission to do that once you’re over 40, garsh-danggit.

Folks would...

Maybe.

If I went off the deep end…? I think I could still pull-off such spectacular bosoms. Maybe. Thanks to you-know-who for passing this along. Definitely.

002 - Tantaluseses

Let's keep on top of Mama Heather and the Girls. (Reowr.)
Away with you, ADHD! A foul besmirch to you, procrastination! A pox on reluctance, and a plague on all The Houses of capitulorimoritude! (I just made that word up. You're welcome.) For now is the time of... ThE tAnTaLuS!!!!1!!
(essusesssssss...)

Tre Fiumi.

Just so y’all know the answer in advance of everybody else. In short?

About 30 pounds. Mas o menos. That’s the point where you Really Start Going… Shit. That is, in fact, a whole lotta boob.

I’ll let you meditate on the idea of 30lbs. For a moment. Ruminate at your leisure, lovelies.

A Tale of Two T!ddiEz, Intro/Chapter 1

I am so sorry to have to subject you to what is quite possibly the worst piece of literature that has ever been conceived.
I am also surprised that the previous sentence didn't necessitate a comma. Huh.
Again. I am very sorry.
Unless I win a Pulitzer. In which case, you are welcome.
Finally got a comma in they're!... Ah, dammit!
###

Text (ORSHEARN!)
Chapter 1

T...

001 - "If" Erin Go Braless

And may you be in heaven half-an-hour, before the devil knows your dead.
Please do let me know if you happen to want to hear the most absolutely tawdry limerick in all the land.
PS: I'm gonna make a conscious effort to say "Uh," less. It appears that I'm a bit out of practice.
Hope you're keeping well. ;-*

A Fascinating Phenomena.

I suppose that if you know what it is, you know what it is. We're all inundated these days, so it's not the easiest to keep up. I'm still belly-down on my CI Fever, waiting for the perfect wave to ride the hell out of. Ripping, is what they call it? Cowabunga, in any case.

Though, I guess I'm a couple of years after Fallon and Paris. Ah well. It's still fun to look at.

I do, actu...

Souks

Ha! Heh, heh... I always loved that. Because "Casablanca is in the desert!"

Except that it's not -- it's a very sea-faring district. It's a very utilitarian place, don't get me wrong. Very much the financial district of Morocco. Beautiful mosque, right there on the sea.

Great wine in Morocco, too -- they just keep it for themselves!

Shukran, y'all. ;-)

H

Those wacky, winding alleys.

So at some point in the not-too distant past, I was wandering around… Umm… Marrakesh. Yeah. Marrakesh. Boy, lemme tell ya. That three hour train ride from Casablanca is a doozy. Go ahead and grab that ticket in advance. Next time you find yourself headed to Marrakesh.

That is a very suitable amount of backstory to justify the existence of this acquisition. To supplement this backstory...

And never speak a word.

Decisions were made. These are decisions for which I take full responsibility. They were decisions that began with a simple idea: what if I were to wrap up a whole bunch of pasta Alfredo inside of a pepperoni pizza, as if I were mocking the very notion of a burrito. My shirt bears the scars. But what of my soul?! May God have both mercy, and also a decent happy hour.

(Another) Teaser for “Windowsill”

Only because I just posted little teasers to social media, I thought I would start practicing what I preach, and post the interesting stuff when it flitters across my desk. Teaser for “Windowsill.” Inspirational photomorph by TGI. Soon to be a series, here on Patreon, at the audio tier. It’s about a Heather who has all the Heather attributes… with the subtle quirk that she gets to have ...

TNT

This New Thing. One that I'm trying. I love this pic. Makes me happy. So, uncharacteristically, I am not postponing it any longer until "the words come." There will be words. I think y'all know me well enough to know that when the talking comes, the words are not in scarcity.

Yeah, they're bigger. The words are, too.