The disclaimer came from an Instagram that I posted literally a minute ago. I’m glad this picture has a place to live. I think it’s mysterious, and fun, and in the same tone as the stuff I usually post. If you’re reading this right now, I hope that means that you enjoy this kind of stuff, and that it makes it fun.
If I had to do all over again, I would’ve been born in… 1960. Ho...
2020-09-07 00:54:14 +0000 UTC View Post
I don’t know why, but I’ve watched “The Shining” like, literally five times during This Modern Age. It’s always been one of my favorite movies, but it wasn’t until viewing number four or so that I realized that it’s actually a really good quarantine movie. I don’t think I’m being haunted by any sort of supernatural representations of my own demons and regrets. It just kind of ...
2020-09-05 21:58:23 +0000 UTC View Post
Oh, anachronimity. You know, I have a storage room deep in the American south. I still pay rent on it. And with each month it goes by, and with each rent check that I pay, I forget, more and more, what the fuck is actually in there. I suppose it’s all of my material possessions. But... if somebody were to show up here right now, hand me a pencil and a piece of paper, and say “You have 10 mi...
2020-09-04 01:18:16 +0000 UTC View Post
What are weekends, again? I can’t remember. This bra just got a starring (or should I say… Supporting?) role on the Instagram, so I thought I would show it chilling out with a cold Spanish brew. Say what you will, but she works hard, and deserves a little downtime.
I think I might be going crazy. I just anthropomorphized a brassiere. Oh well.
Everybody put your glasses up and I ...
2020-08-30 22:53:49 +0000 UTC View Post
So, one of you lovely lovelies just left a pretty cool question in the comments: “What is a low-hanging house bra?”
This, my dears, is a low hanging house bra. Every woman who doesn’t pass the pencil test has one. Go ahead, ask around. Basically, it’s the outrageously comfy sweatshirt of the bra world. The one that has frayed cuffs, a cigarette burn on the sleeve, some coffee stai...
2020-08-30 22:39:01 +0000 UTC View Post
I don’t think I’ve ever actually gotten “stuck.” I think that kind of scenario is something that mainly finds its home inside of breast expansion stories.
Don’t get me wrong, there have been some tight squeezes. Phone booths are rare, but they do still exist; it’s actually been a long time since I’ve been in an elevator, but if there are a lot of people in the lift, you can...
2020-08-30 21:55:08 +0000 UTC View Post
My apologies, everybody. I thought I could finally overcome the buttons on this shirt, but they are apparently stitched in with some sort of fiber that is stronger than adamantium. How dare it not submit to the threat of Natalia and Olga!
Anyway, part two of that video from before. Thought y’all might be intrigued. 🤪 Bonus points to anyone who knows the song. 🎸
2020-08-30 19:37:33 +0000 UTC View Post
Where in the hell has this blasted year gone?
Has the whole damned thing been for naught?
Yesterday was March, and soon it’s November,
With gunpowder, treason, and plot.
But nothing changes, out here, very much.
The cows, they room, and they poop.
The grass, it was green, not too long ago.
And something else that rhymes with poop.
Recently, I’ve taken up a little social experiment. Something fun, frivolous, and silly to while away the time, and provide a little joy.
Here’s how it goes. Basically, if one of my Patreon lovelies goes through the trouble of sending me an article of clothing, I will wear it, and I will take a picture. I have certain limits, of course. Used underwear is a little creepy, for instance...
2020-08-05 07:05:42 +0000 UTC View Post
For no other reason than I was listening to some Scott Joplin, and decided it would pair up rather nicely. A small shred of completely stupid goofiness. Hope your weeks are off to good starts.
2020-08-04 03:54:52 +0000 UTC View Post
Hi guys! So, before I forget, one small update, just so you’re in the loop.
Originally, I said that the book is going to be printed by Blurb, using their “imagewrap” technology. This is one of those books where it’s a hard cover, but the cover is the image. I’m sure you’ve seen this type of book before.
I’ve done a little thinking about this, and there’s one little d...
2020-07-21 20:15:09 +0000 UTC View Post
My work schedule has been kind of jacked lately. For those out of the loop, I write content marketing copy. It can be a little soulless sometimes, but whenever possible, I try to write compelling copy for products and services people actually want and need.
In the past, I’ve had my fair share of bullshit products to push. Things like Apple Watch knock offs, ill-fated vacation destinati...
2020-07-20 21:34:49 +0000 UTC View Post
I’m not sure if any of you saw this today, but I posted this picture on Instagram just a little while ago. Within about 30 minutes, it got taken down. Violation of the TOS, with that pang of discomfort that comes with not knowing if this will result in your account (finally, and somehow inevitably) getting blocked.
Funny thing… It didn’t violate any rules. An obvious lack of nipple...
2020-07-19 22:53:20 +0000 UTC View Post
Hi, guys! It’s been a little while, so I just wanted to give y’all a bit of an update on this memoir.
First of all, the actual text itself is coming along really well. I’m gonna pick out a couple of excerpts that I’ll pull up here in the next week or so, but I’m sure, if you’re already signed up for this book, that you already like my writing style, have a pretty good idea of ...
2020-07-09 20:50:15 +0000 UTC View Post
A few things.
Ukulele is friend.
In one episode of The West Wing, President Bartlet tells one of his generals to teach his new daughter how to whistle, because her mother won't. This is true. I learned how to whistle from my grandad. We sucked on lemons together in the summer sun to get our mouths to pucker in just the right way. It was a fucking Norman Rockwell painting. I am...
2020-07-07 01:30:44 +0000 UTC View Post
That quote doesn’t really have anything to do with anything. It’s just from that first scene in “Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade.” That movie came out in 1989, when I was about five, and I can’t say that I saw it for the first time until a bit later. But, when I did, it was around that age where most of us start having sexual awakenings. I was an odd kid, and I’m not sure who did...
2020-06-28 23:19:51 +0000 UTC View Post
The last months of spring had come and gone, and still, the leaves and dust had to come in from somewhere, and eventually, a sweep would be necessary, when she finally got around to it.
A line of jars, on the back wall. A place her eyes fell every day, but didn't linger. Just the place to stash a cleverly concealed camera...
The motion sensor must h...
2020-06-26 03:27:02 +0000 UTC View Post
At some point in the not-too-distant past, we all took one breath that stayed inside of us. Usually, with the way breathing works, it's a pretty balanced thing. You breathe in, and then, you breathe out. It's a tradeoff. But, for each of us, we took a breath that stayed inside and kept us filled up in that way where you can't relax your shoulders, and where, try as you might, you just can't see...
2020-06-26 02:27:44 +0000 UTC View Post
Well, a tiny little one. I have plenty of goodies coming over the next week or so for you lovely folks who are helping me create this thing.
I’ve been a little quiet lately, for reasons that I sincerely appreciate you understanding. Interestingly enough, it’s actually been a somewhat beneficial time. Working through some family-related trauma has involved actually sitting down at the...
2020-06-17 22:50:56 +0000 UTC View Post
It occurred to me that y'all might be interested in seeing the finished products! If you'll recall, long story short, a friend of mine approached me with an idea. She'd been getting back into sculpting during this whole quarantine nonsense, and asked me if she could use my body as inspiration. To which I was like, heck yeah! Sounds like fun!
So, the finished pieces arrived, and I have to ...
2020-06-17 22:03:19 +0000 UTC View Post
When I recorded this video, I intended to insert a bit of a narrative, something in tune with this little series that I’ve been working on, on and off. But then, when I listened to the audio afterwards, something hit me about the YouTube video that was (and I swear, no staging) on in the background, where Trevor Noah was giving an interview at an event sponsored by the British newspaper The G...
2020-06-07 02:08:36 +0000 UTC View Post
When Donald Trump got elected, I was talking to some old friends of mine in Mexico. We talked about walls, and bloviation, and how Mexicans had already adopted the slang term trompear (which basically means to punch somebody in the face) and converted it into Trumpear (which colloquially means to be punched in the face by the President-elect’s words and character. Cute, huh? Isn’t etymology...
2020-05-28 00:00:28 +0000 UTC View Post
Yeah, it got me.
Not the virus itself (at least, not that I know of). But... everything. All that "weight of the world" bullshit that you think you're going to stiff-upper-lip your way through until a combination of things just one-two-three punches you out.
First thing's first. I have not been terribly active on here in the last few weeks (duh). So, I do have some catching up...
2020-05-26 22:36:32 +0000 UTC View Post
I'm not sure if you saw it, but it was above the fold today in the NYTimes: here in Spain, we were allowed to go out for a walk.
Doesn't that seem weird? I don't know where you are in the world, reading this, but here in Spain, they've been taking this Covid stuff seriously, as they should. When things got out of control, they locked IT DOWN. No leaving your house unless you are going to ...
2020-05-03 04:52:59 +0000 UTC View Post
A little while ago, I wrote about the idea of the Venus. It’s frequently amazing how, if you put something out there into the aether, it eventually comes back to say hello.
So, what an exceptional surprise. And, such a refreshing thing to discover how somebody channels quarantine time into an outlet.
Case in point, a good friend who has used this strange time to dive deep into he...
2020-04-30 13:48:17 +0000 UTC View Post
Yesterday, on one of my very rare trips out and about (only visiting the stores that provide essential services — God, quarantine sucks), I had an idea.
I was thinking about all the people conducting their professional lives on Zoom these days; I was thinking about my artistically inclined friends who have long been doing live drawing sessions that people can tune into at their leisure;...
2020-04-30 12:28:48 +0000 UTC View Post
By the way... this is what I see, most nights, before I go to sleep. Twinkle lights are the best.
I don’t know where you are right now. But wherever it is, I hope it’s in a place that is comfortable, and that brings you peace.
2020-04-25 00:10:00 +0000 UTC View Post
Chile relleno with ground beef, chorizo, rice, roasted potatoes, grilled onions (in a high-pitched vinegar char), on a bed of lettuce. Topped with home-made sour cream on sliced avocado.
I gotta say! On a 10-scale, a 9! The key? Each ingredient is prepared as a separate componant, like instruments that each contribute to the way an orchestra sounds. The potatoes get garlic and oregano; th...
2020-04-24 23:53:13 +0000 UTC View Post
I’m a little vexed about coming up with a name for this one. On one hand, it’s suuuuuuper-spicy — nearly at spicy-just-for-the-sake-of-it levels on the Scoville scale, with no complementary flavors to back it up.
So, a part of me wants to give it a quarantine-inspired name, since it’s so dangerous… On the other hand, I don’t want to be all tacky and fo...
2020-04-24 12:02:57 +0000 UTC View Post
I named him after Danny Devito’s character on Always Sunny. Anyway, this little guy made it inside, so I picked him up and kicked him out. A few hours later, he came back, so I kicked him out again. A few hours later? Back again! I have a stalker. His name is Frank. He is a frog (or a toad?).
Everyone needs a quarantine buddy. Lickilly, it’s fly season, and there were a few I...
2020-04-24 01:08:19 +0000 UTC View Post