DITW 15-15: Dim Suffusion Veiled

She arrived home on a Friday night, stomach knotted with dread. There was a chance for a good evening with Josh, but uncertainty gnawed away. Hyun was gone for the night, taking Sophie with her and dropping her off with her father. Then a night class. She and Josh would be alone tonight for the first time. Intimacy would occur. 

Should occur.

And what if it didn’t?

Josh rejected her advances. Although they’d been subtle—perhaps Josh required stronger prompting.

Out of the car, crisp evening air nipping at her cheeks, she approached the front door and pushed it open. The house greeted her with warmth and welcome. So many times when she’d done the worst things with Devlin Stone, she’d told herself—and told Josh—that a family home like this was why she worked for Devlin. And that was where they ended up. Where she’d intended all along. 

Josh sat in the main floor baby’s room, beside Colleen’s crib. Colleen slept peacefully, her tiny chest rising and falling with each breath. The sight of her husband and their baby, bathed in a soft autumn glow, sent a swell of contentment through her. She leaned on the doorframe, smiling. It had been a good week, having Josh back in her life, yet every moment felt like walking on eggshells. Josh was sensitive, brittle even, and she worried about handling him with the care he needed. She couldn’t bear the thought of breaking him again.

“Hey,” Josh said, voice quiet. “How was your day?”

“Tiring,” she told him. “But I’ve been looking forward to tonight all week.”

Hurt still lingered in Josh’s eyes. It was a familiar sight, one that both pained and determined her. She loved him, and she was willing to do anything to make this work again. It had been so good for so long.

“I’m going to go get out of these work clothes,” she said, pushing off the doorframe. “Put something more comfortable on.” With one last glance at Josh and Colleen, she turned and headed to the stairs. She stopped and called back, “Do you want to order in?”

Josh called back that he did. That encouraged her. This week had been wonderful, but with Hyun here, it wasn’t like the way her and Josh’s life had been like before Devlin Stone re-entered their lives.

Once in the bedroom, she slipped off her suit and hung it up, untied her hair, and removed her shirt and threw it in the laundry hamper. In the bathroom she brushed her teeth and rinsed with Scope, but was too exhausted for a shower. There was a chance nothing would happen between her and Josh tonight. She unhooked her bra, breasts tender and full, a reminder of the life that now depended on her. She’d pump before dinner.

Then she caught sight of herself in the mirror, a stark contrast to the woman she used to be. Stoop-shouldered, eyes heavy with fatigue, hair disheveled—a far cry from the polished, killer woman who would have been stepping out for a night of whiskey and laughter at the Royal York a little over a year ago. But that life, as thrilling as it had been, held no substance. This—the sore back, the aching head, the desperate need for a pumping session—this was real. She wouldn’t trade this for anything. A fresh swipe of deodorant, then she slipped into her silk robe. She tugged open her underwear drawer, looking for a fresh pair, and recognized right away that someone had been through her underthings. Someone looking for a green satin pair, she was sure. 

Back in the bathroom, she slipped off the robe and the panties she wore all day and ran the hot water for a quick shower. Tonight would be the night Josh returned to her.

  *

Josh was in the kitchen when Kimmy returned about a half an hour later. Obviously showered, wearing that long silk robe. She looked revived; she hadn’t seen so lively when she’d first come home, but now she moved with a renewed fluid grace, swishing into the kitchen and coming right to him. She touched his shoulder as she reached for the fridge, saying, “What did you order?”

 He turned to regard her, now no longer touching his shoulder, pulling out a bottle of mineral water. He said, “I didn’t order anything. I don’t know any of the restaurants around here. I don’t know what you like. What’s good?”

 Kimmy pulled down a glass from the cupboard and came to the island next to him, setting both items down on the counter with a heavy knock. She sighed and pondered. She said, “Do you want Chinese?”

“Sure,” he said. “Whatever’s good.” His eyes stayed on her, studying her. She hadn’t washed her hair, but she’d brushed it while it was damp. Though it was long and she still sported bangs, the hair at the sides of her head swept around her ears. She had a long, beautiful neck, and he loved her jawline. He reached out and touched it, running his thumb from the edge of her chin to just underneath her ear. Kimmy covered his hand with hers and regarded him. They stared at one another for a long moment without saying anything, and for the first time this week back with her, he felt a little like in those days between the miscarriage and the high school reunion where his wife had messed around with Devlin Stone. That wasn’t a perfect segment of time, but he’d loved her in it; the miscarriage had changed their relationship. It had made them—or at least him—wary of the other. For the first time, he’d felt unsure of their future. He’d forgotten about that because that feeling had become insignificant about eight weeks later when he’d begun suspecting something was going on behind his back.

 Kimmy inched closer and closed her eyes, lowering them first and regarding his mouth. He kissed her and held her neck. When their kiss broke, she said, “Get me the phone. I know what to order.”

  *

Kimmy ordered from a Chinese restaurant in Unionville. The menu was in Chinese and she spoke the order to the restaurant in Chinese. They ate dinner—amazing jelly fish and shredded turnip, and soy-stewed egg and salted duck—then cleaned up and watched TV. They brought Colleen out to the family room and Kimmy watched while he showed Colleen toys and played with her and got her on her feet by holding her hands.

And in that moment, with the sun gone from the sky, leaving just yellow trees against a sky like dark denim, there was sacred beauty. Kimmy sitting and watching him, looking incredible with her hair framed around her face, no makeup; a mother. A working mother. A woman that had done terrible things to him. But a woman that had done hard things to earn him back. And he deserved all of this. He deserved the home; he deserved his baby, and he deserved Kimmy. Kimmy was a product of his own machination. The things he had done made Kimmy who she was. He’d considered Kimmy quite a bit this afternoon, sitting here with their daughter and waiting for her to get home from work. He’d tried last year making her into something he desired. He tried, and she’d played along. But the whole time, the worst things she’d told him in fantasy were true. She’d done them behind his back. They’d played with some of the darkest fantasies he could imagine, and they’d been incredible. Kimmy made them real. And when they were shown to him as real, he’d rejected it. He’d even run away thinking he would never return. And if it weren’t for this baby daughter whose tiny little hands gripped both his index fingers, maybe he never would have come back. What was certain to him was how much the fantasy had played in his mind. How much power those fantasies had. And who was responsible? Josh Waters was. Josh Waters was his own worst enemy. Kimmy had said it many times, and it was true. Kimmy was evil and wicked, and she’d betrayed him—but he’d framed the playground they’d played in. He’d given Kimmy the ingredients, and she’d cooked the meal he’d asked for. The one she’d already been cooking.

He lifted Colleen now and held her. He said to Kimmy, “I’m going to stay. I’m going to stay here in the house with you.”

Kimmy nodded, slow and unemotional at first, then her eyes welled and she moved to the side table and snatched up a tissue to blot them.

He said, “I’d be crazy not to,” then looked down at Colleen, so in love with her. Yes, she had his mother’s eyes, but she had Kimmy’s cheekbones; she had Kimmy’s mouth, had her smile. 

When Kimmy spoke, her voice was shaky and unsure. “I want you here, Josh. I want you here with me so badly. I’d do anything to have you here.”

“I know you would,” he said, and thought of the toy she’d set up where she knew he’d look. That was on him. His first reaction was anger at her manipulation, but sitting in the house she’d bought for them with his daughter in his lap, his righteous indignation paled. 

Kimmy slipped off the couch and sat on the floor, scooting to close her arms and legs around him, their daughter in his arms. “I love you, Josh. I love you so much. I’ll never betray you again. I’d die before I did it.”

He didn’t know what to say, but he liked hearing the words. His lips slimmed, and he nodded along with her words.

She said, “I’m sorry, Josh. I’m sorry for the lies and all the bad things I did to you. I loved you the whole time I did it, but that changes nothing. You didn’t deserve that. And I don’t deserve you here with me after what I did.”

No, she didn’t, but she’d sacrificed a lot to prove herself to him. It would have been so much easier for her to move on without him. It would have been easier for him, too. But what was easy wasn’t what was best for Colleen. The two of them together, with renewed devotion, was the best thing. As hard as it was, it was worth it. It was the only thing that mattered.

Now he sighed long and hearty, bowing his head until his brow touched Kimmy’s cheek. He kissed her neck; soft and slow at first, then slower, with more lurid implication, sucking hard on her skin, pulling it away from her tendon, suckling. Kimmy moaned. “Let’s wait,” she said, touching his jaw, pulling back so she could look into his eyes. “Wait until Hyun gets home.”

His heart sank, remembering even though he was reunited with his wife, their life wasn’t as simple as it had been. They had a roommate, and they had a baby. At least they could rely on their roommate to watch the baby when they needed time alone.

“Okay,” he said, kissing her cheek one last time before he returned his attention to their daughter, babbling away in his lap.

Kimmy reached in his lap and hefted Colleen up to her bosom, cradling her for a moment before standing, then padding out of the family room and to the room down the hall where they kept Colleen’s crib. He sat on the floor still, weight back on his hands, staring at the space where his wife and daughter had just been. His heart pounded behind his ribs and his temples throbbed. Not hurt, not pain; no, excitement. That woman who’d birthed his daughter had so many dark ways to rip orgasms from him. And now that he’d kissed her, sucked on her neck, told her he wanted her and wanted to stay, that dark part of his mind knew the bad things he loved would soon come his way. Hyun couldn’t get home fast enough.

Kimmy returned without Colleen while he was still on the floor. He looked up and Kimmy unified her robe, showing him she wore nothing underneath. Bare tawny skin. A shaved mound. Her body toned and sleek, her nipples hard enough to catch the weight of the robe’s silk and keep the lapels from closing.