DEMO - Nothing [a heart made sweet with hunger and thirst]

Posting a bunch of demos right now because unfortunately EVERYTHING I'm working on besides the tour is under heavy NDAs at the moment. Very, very excited for them to come out though, so I can tell you all about them -- the last few months have been a whirlwind. "When it rains, it pours" is true in negative situations, but also with positive ones, and this has just been an onslaught of exciting new opportunities.

So! Here's another one that was stolen in Chile, meant originally for whatever slightly-shallower-but-more-accessible album WIDOW would have turned into if my life hadn't had such a cataclysmic shakeup. It was one of my favorites, and would have been pretty fun to crank to epic proportions.

There’s a certain wistful nostalgia I feel when I listen to tracks like this—remembering how hopeful my worldview was in my mid-twenties. How romantic the rules of existence felt—not in the modern sense, but the classical one, “romantic” meaning seeing the world as a place that follows the hero’s journey; good opposes evil, life is an epic that resolves, every pain is a step toward some final triumph.

The true absurdity and nonsensicalness of suffering had not hit me yet, the aspect of existence Bukowski so brutally captured when he wrote, "No stars shifted to teach you a lesson. No hand of God closed the door. You missed it. And the world kept moving on, cold and indifferent as ever. Somewhere another version of you chose better, got the good thing. You didn't. Wisdom isn't healing, it's gritting your teeth and admitting: There was a better life you could have had, and it isn't yours."

I don’t know if I believe that in full, but there’s a kernel of truth in it. There is an element of senseless cruelty to life. Something about facing that fact, truly understanding it, feels essential to unlocking the full depth of what it means to be human.

LYRICS:

I long to be afraid
Battered and undone
I'm frozen in this frame
Nothingness so loud

So how could I explain
The feeling of something
Burrowing through my shell
When you told me you were mine?

I'm lonely, but I'm safe
I'm leaving the lights on
Hoping you'll come back home
Hoping you'll come back home

Nothing can save me now