RMoM: Stirfry Speaks Out in His First Interview Since Exiting the Tournament

Stirfry’s exit from Rude March of Madness left everyone in Cordelia stunned. And his sole statement to press only fueled the burning questions on everyone’s minds: why would he walk away from Rude March glory? How does Frederick De Bonesby figure into all this? Also- what’s his problem with a gavel? I’ve never even heard Stirfry talk about gavels. 
This week, I chatted with Sitrfry in his first interview since leaving the competition.

Stirfry, how are you doing?
Hey, thanks for asking -I'm ok. Happy to talk but just letting you know that anything official should go through my lawyer Mr. St Beef.

Ok, but I just want to be clear that when we set this up we agreed that nothing is off limits.
Look you can ask whatever you want and I'll answer as best as I can. You've been pretty cool to me unlike a lot of outlets so I’ll be as open as possible.

Sure, sure. Well let's start there. You've found yourself in a bit of media firestorm this week. How are you handling that?
Not the worst experience of my life I'm sorry to say but it's still no picnic. It's frustrating to be accused of something I don't deserve to be in trouble for. That said I've got a pretty good support system so that helps. Thanks for asking-it makes me trust you to know that you care about my well being.

So, how were you feeling about your performance thus far?
I mean I was dressed like a normal juror so I felt like no one could tell I was-

-In the tournament, of course.
oh …right right. Pretty good!

It seemed like you were cruising to the championship.
I know I'm small but that just makes it a lot easier to trip people up in the back court. I've got a good three so I usually just drain those until the opponent learns to put more pressure on the backcourt play where it's usually pretty easy for me to play off their momentum and create enough space for a good shot. Johnny was a piece of cake. Scrum loves to post up but not really shoot so that was more of a waiting game.

And is winning important to you? For some people, the journey is more important than the destination, but others crave that validation.
Oooooooh that's a really good question! You're smart!

Yes.
I love winning. Winning is like a berry with double the juice. That said, the journey is fun too! It's like a berry with the regular amount of juice. Bummer to not get that extra sweetness but hey it's still a berry!

[Pause]
Oh but it also helps if your opponent is a sniveling, arrogant glory hound who needs to be taken down a peg. I'm fine not winning obviously but some gav- some players need to learn the meaning of "fuck you die die die."

So winning isn't important if you're distracted by a gavel?
Hold up I need to check with Mr. St. Beef before I answer.

The interview pauses for about ten minutes. During this time, I can hear Stirfry pacing back and forth in his room. He also orders a pizza. Eventually-

He's taking too long to get back: there is no winning while the gavel reigns.

Ok, thanks for answering.
No problem! Thank you for saying thank you!

Were you worried about facing Kreedis? He's incredibly powerful. Some say his best days are behind him but still the most formidable opponent you had faced by far.
I honestly wasn't really thinking about it because i had other things on my mind that day.

So, take me through that day. You wake up, are you thinking "it's game day" or were you already focused somewhere else?
I woke up and thought "it's time."

Time for what?
Justice. And where is Justice supposed to be found? In the court room. So that's where I went.

At this point the tone of the interview shifts, and I find myself cross examining my subject. It’s not a role I’m expecting, but his story has so many holes I can’t help but try to fill them.

So, in your statement you said that you weren't intending to attack the gavel and you were just holding the termites for a friend?
Yes.

Which friend?
His name?

[Pause]
I mean the friend's name? Umm…Let me check with Mr. St. Beef.

We take another break. Stirfry, who does not seem familiar with the ‘Hold’ function, and continues to pace. Eventually I hear the pizza arrive, and Stirfry insists that a pizza shouldn’t be so flat. The delivery man disagrees, and this goes on for several minutes. Stirfry does not tip the delivery man, and then I hear him eat at least two slices while saying to himself “this is far better than that other pizza I had. I’ll have to try this again!” We resume.

Yeah, sorry about that, he's taking too long to get back to me. The friend's name was Mister ….uh …Snooz… uh…. Ly. Mister uh Bartholemew Snoozly. Bart for short. 

Snoozly? Do you mean Mr Snoozy?
No. Mr. Snoozy is my scorpion friend.Mr. Bart Snoozly is my friend I was holding the termites for.

Can you put yourself in the shoes of a fan, or someone following this story? Do you see that it’s a lot to swallow?
I don't wear shoes so no I can't, sir.

Ok, well I want to ask about other competitors for a moment.
But if you must know I've been trying to get better at listening to my friends or at least looking like I'm considering their opinions so I wanted to learn from jurors so that's why I was looking at jurors.

One of your closest associates, Frederick De Bonesby has been speaking out in the press about your disqualification. How do you feel about his comments?
Oh yeah sure go ahead. He has? What has he been saying??

Yes, I have them here.
Can you do me a fucking favor and show me the comments??

Excuse me?
What did Frederick say about me???

Well, for one, he seems pretty certain about your motivations: "He left the tournament to attempt to kill a wooden hammer? Very well. His ways are his own"
He respects my ways? He really said that?

Yes, but he also seemed to hint that there's some distance between you. When asked if you had spoken since your elimination, he said: "No... but now that you mention it, I have been waiting for my supper for an ungodly age. He hasn't been detained has he?"
Hmm.

Have you made Frederick's supper yet?
Look, if you're going to see him again I can probably scrounge up something with the bugs in here. No matter what's going on between us right now, the man needs to eat.

Gavels- love them or hate them?
I fucking hate gavels.

Okay...strong words from a Kenku protesting his innocence. How do you square that?
I can hate a gavel and not be guilty of trying to kill one with a pocket full of termites. In the words of my lawyer those are "two separate legal issues." 

Yeah. I think it's surprising because to most people gavels are inanimate objects that inspire ambivalence at best.
Look... I never said I was perfect. And I definitely never said I was "most people." I'm just a guy trying to learn how make it look like I'm considering my friends' opinions while holding termites for my friend Mr. Bart Snoozly.

Do you have anything else you want to say to your fans? To your critics?
To the fans I say "be the bonjour you wish to see in the world" To the critics? "au revoir" hahhahahahahahahaa YES please print that! That will show those pathetic little fuckers who's really in charge!! STIRFRY. STIRFRY doesn't take shit from ANYbody!

Thanks for talking, Stirfry.
Thank you! This was fun! Do you want to hang out sometime??