The Failed Recipes of *Knife Sharpening*

Bonjour! It’s me, Stirfry the Kenku! If you’ve followed my many adventures then you know I’m a first rate friend, a fine tuned lover, and, most importantly, a five star chef. But this was not always the case! There was a time when I was a selfish friend, a sinful lover, and-I’m sorry to say-an amateur chef! To show you aspiring youngsters that even your culinary hero started out really bad like you, I have decided to humble myself and share some of my failed recipes.

A quick note: these recipes were from a time long ago. They’re from before I met Splish Splash, a woman who surpasses the sea in grandeur, or Mr. Debonesby, a man who surpasses Solomon in wisdom and recklessness re: children. It’s a good thing I got these failures out of my system! Otherwise I never would have entrapped two incredible people into putting up with me!

Cactus on a Cracker

Plop a raw cactus on a cracker. Sounds awful, right? That’s what I thought until I innovated the classic by drizzling olive oil and feta atop the supine cactus’ quills. I knew I changed the game. What before only sounded awful now tasted awful as well! Back to the drawing board.

Candy Hummus

Soak chickpeas in boiling water for 5 minutes. Lower to a simmer and start throwing in Fruity Pebbles (pebbles that have been slow roasted in butter, sugar, and applesauce) until the pot is overflowing. Turn off the heat and mash to a consistent paste. What you get is a dish that doesn’t work but DOES smell.

BBQ Bacteria

Now this was a flight of fancy that I have yet to get fully out of my system. Bacteria is everywhere, right, so it must also be atop a grill, right, so what if you just pour BBQ sauce on an empty grill, suspend yourself above the flame, and open wide. The bacteria would be BBQ’d and the heat from the flame would force the flavored bacteria to rise into your open mouth. The one time I attempted this recipe I was accused of trying to roast myself, a thought so captivating that I forgot about BBQ Bacteria until now.

Roast Me

Ok so it's just me sitting in front of a room of fans and friends as professional Word Gods tease me with earned familiarity. This was the idea I had when my friends said I was trying to roast myself. It’s not food but it’s still a recipe because I, personally, am nourished by negative feedback.

Cacio E Pepe but it’s Jack O’ e Rice

Traditionally, Cacio e Pepe is a thick spaghetti that, once cooked, gets tossed around in a flambéed wheel of pecorino cheese. The pasta gets gooey with melted perfection. Add a little pepper and it’s ready to go! The first time I had the dish I fainted, knocking my head against the chef’s rock hard arms. I’ve never been the same since. Anyway, I decided to do Cacio e Pepe with a Jack o’  Lantern and Rice.

Steal a Jack O’ Lantern from a stoop. Make sure it’s been outside for at least a week. You want to make sure its original owners got all the love from it they could. You also want to make sure it’s decomposing. Pour freshly cooked rice into the Jack, tossing it around so it’s covered in that gooey pumpkin gunk. Add pepper and it’s ready to go! The first time I tried the dish I was so blown away that my tongue placed me under citizen’s arrest. Fine by me! I was proud to know my lil licker wouldn’t take shit from nobody!

At this point in my development I hit a wall. Innovation is just Speculation + Experimentation and I, *Knife Sharpening*, had had enough of math. It was at this point in my training that I stopped trying to invent and started to focus on perfecting more traditional dishes. This was a smart pivot but pivoting only works when you’re holding the ball. Read on.

Soup

Crack an egg over a cabbage.

Drop the cabbage in a pot of cold water.

Let sit for 20 min.

Drain.

Eat the cabbage like an apple.

This is soup.

Chicken

Throw raw chicken breast on a dinner plate and put it on the stove at high heat. The ceramic plate will heat and crack and break apart and the chicken will plummet to the burner along with the shards of the burnt plate. Keep the burner on high as chicken and plate find rest in the gap between the flame and the support structure. Keep cooking. Keep cooking.

Cupcakes

Mince 20 pounds of garlic.

Fill up the cupcake tray with the garlic, adding salt (NO PEPPER) to each cup.

Cake the top of each cup with hummus.

Bake for 5 min at 550 degrees.

Take out, pour a half a cup of water into each cup 

(it’s ok if it overflows that’s the point).

Put back in for 10 minutes.

Eat all cupcakes immediately.

Double the recipe if you have a friend (I do!).

Fish

Step one: Boil the ocean.

Step two: Drink.

No one comes out of the womb knowing how to love. You gotta learn. Similarly, no one gets caught trying to boil the ocean without embracing a few restrictions. Are those similar? Hey, I’m a chef not a philosopher (though if I were a philosopher I would have a few things to say about linear thinking). The point is, I pushed myself too far and began to put checks on my palette.

I found a freedom in my new simplicity. I began to listen to my diners the way a Word God listens to the crowd. By making their needs my primary focus, I had no choice but to deliver on the fundamentals. No longer did I feel the need to force bold concepts or unusual recipes onto unwilling mouths. I simply made food to be enjoyed. How strange that such an approach doesn’t stifle creativity; it unlocks it! Inspiration and instinct melded into one. A true chef was born. Then I met Splish Splash!

This has been the last will and testament of Stirfry the Kenku. If you are reading these words, I am dead. Strange. So many of you said you would die for me. How does it feel to be a liar?