I Still Stand By This (drama-alert)

(Cross-posting my essay from the Oh Joy Sex Toy Patreon! For patrons on both accounts, this one has some minuscule tweaking. See if you can spot it!)

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Two years ago, Let's Talk About It debuted. This is the comprehensive sex and relationship book that Matt and I desperately needed when we were teens in the age of dial-up modems. More than a sex education book, it's really an introduction to communicating with the people in your life (whether they're platonic, romantic, or familial) about intimate subjects. Subjects like... sex, sexuality, relationships, and, well, just being a human being! That shit is hard!!!

The reception of our book in the professional world has been pretty fucking glowing. Like, if you don't like trumpets then you better plug your ears because here comes some loud ol' horn tooting: People who work with sex professionally (Therapists, educators, doctors, etc.) sing its praises. It's received multiple starred reviews in prestigious industry magazines and we have heard from tons of parents out there who have shared this book with their teens. It's not a best-seller but it's getting into the right hands and I'm immensely proud of that.

Then, about six months ago, conservatives finally found it.

Hoo boy.

I can't really go into detail about this or discuss it publicly, but if you search in Google's news articles section for the title and some additional keywords like "book" or "controversy" you will see... wow. A whole lot goin' on. I really (really) want to discuss this further, but at the moment I can't. When I am able to, please know that I will be writing about it here first.

Which brings us to yesterday on Instagram.

It's been a while since I actually reviewed the pages I drew three years ago. In fact, I struggle to really remember much of anything about making this book, as I was going through a mental health collapse and then the Intensive Outpatient Program for most of the production of LTAI (Matt wrote 95% of it and Maria Frantz provided page layout assistance for me to draw over in my style).

Seeing the page samples I shared in my original annoucement IG post two years ago... It was like seeing them for the first time.

Dude. I DO still stand by this. I DO believe this. And I DO think this is valuable information that teens need.

Teens deserve to know they're not monsters just because they have "unusual" sexual thoughts. Imagine how much money people could save in therapy if they skipped being ashamed of their sexual desires from the get-go?

How many teens get turned on at the thought of something pervy- something socially unacceptable or even harmful- and then assume "Welp, the only reason someone would be aroused by this in the first place is if they actually want to do it regardless of the human cost so I GUESS I'M A MONSTER"? And thus starts a lifetime of shame and suppression and secrecy and guilt about a sexual turn-on they never chose.

What if, instead, a teen experienced some unusual new sexual desire, observed "Well, that's not something I was expecting!" and then calmly recalled why people sometimes think things like this. "The taboo of this action is what's exciting me, it doesn't mean I actually want to carry it out in real life at any cost", they might think. Or, "This thought turns me on and I would only ever explore it safely, sanely, and consensually when everyone involved is researched and ready." Or, if it's a super dangerous or unethical desire that feels overwhelming, they can reassure themself that they are a whole human being who deserves compassion as they seek professional care to help them keep their impulses under control.

No monsters here.

Just people.

Horny, ridiculous people.

Like all of us.

Addressing the reality that teens feel sexual desire- and weirdo* sexual desire at that- isn't like planting the seed of corrupting lust into a pristinely blank mind. That seed is already in there! We are all born with that seed! That seed is gunna find water one way or another through some combination of hormones and life experience and seeing just the right image at just the right time and it is going to friggin SPROUT, baby, whether you keep that person ignorant of what's happening to them or not.

Personally, I think it's better to explain to someone "Oh hey, you've got this seed in your brain that's going to sprout, so don't freak out when you see a couple leaves poking out from the top of your head. You're not malfunctioning! Lemme tell ya how you take care of your seedling so you both stay healthy and happy..." Because the alternative is somebody waking up one day with a full size sunflower growing out of their head and they freak the fuck out because what the fuck is happening.

*"Weirdo sexual desire" being anything that anybody anywhere considers to be not-sexual. Of course, every single sexual desire is weird to somebody out there. Yup. Even that basic, boring one that everybody knows about. Somebody out there thinks it's weird.

You want to protect teens? You want them to make healthy decisions? You want them to have strong relationships, both with themselves and others, so they can grow up to be thriving, well-adjusted adults who are valuable members of their communities? GIVE THEM THE TOOLS TO DO SO. Acknowledge reality. Educate them. Teach them to recognize what's happening to them mentally and physically by providing them with the vocabulary to understand it and talk about it with others.

This is the book Matt and I needed when we were teens twenty years ago and I firmly believe it is helping teens today.

I do still stand by the messages in Let's Talk About It.

I stand by my belief that the answer to everything that's scary in life is to bravely, vulnerably, compassionately shout out Let's! Talk! About! It!!!

So, let's talk about it.