Crucial heavy thoughts #15: It could have been so much better…

22nd September 2021, 5.45pm

Workplace.

I hope I won’t express too much out here till I cry today. I am not sad I’m just super disappointed in myself yet again ever since my broke up happened many times before.

This time, I lost a chance to be with the most wonderful guy I could have been with, hope he won’t subscribe to me here one day because if he did, he knows I’m talking about him.

He’s the only guy I ever loved out of so many guys because of the words and maturity he used and I just wasted like that. I should have not told him I was busy at school maybe if only I could have just take some time out and just go out with him things could have gotten better.

Now I’m starting school and he’s right, I don’t have time for all these relationships but what if I want to? What if there’s so much possibility in this world I could have just been nicer or never because of MY AGE I had to work! I had to study! It’s the hierarchy of the stupid world now that I’m being forced naturally not to date him anymore 😭

I know I would be happy if he gotten a new partner, and be happy for a friend instead of a relationship partner, but nature of things is I can’t because I can’t bear to see him moving forward in life and that does not make me any difference from other friends at all I’m not special to him and I blamed myself for my age and being responsible for my own work study life…😭

He treated me so nice and I couldn’t find someone better than him already and I just dumped my FINAL chance in losing such a good friend like this made me feel so pain and yet another fallen relationship even to someone close…that close to just live a happy life with someone I can stay with, depend with for the VERY FIRST TIME AND I JUST DROWNED MYSELF FOR BEING RESPONSIBLE IN MY OWN LIFE:

BEING ABSENT FROM BAD TIME AND SCHEDULES.

“Chase knew he was broken down. He remembered the day when Joey spoken to Chase and told him that he loved him so much. Yet chase laughed back at Joey telling him that it’s super weird to date with guys. He laughed so hard and when Joey decided to give Chase a hug, he pushed him away in disguise. Joey ran away and Chase knew he overreacted. Days after, chase kept telling that he was only thinking of Joey out of guilt of his own words and actions, but he also remembered the hug he tried to gave him. Thinking about the hug, does not made chase mad, in fact, it made Chase wanted to see him even more.

When Chase wanted to find Joey and remember the place he lived, he was with another friend hanging out happily. Soon to know that both of them were partners and just like that… drowned. Drowned into the sorrow hearts of Chase. How broken down was he? Very. Pain, wrong decisions and words of choice and actions caused this. He moved on, Joey moved on. Did chase moved on? Never. And he even if he did? There will always be that broken heart…”

~a similar story written by Insomni-act but similar encounter by whitefanglilwolf, past relationship, guy to guy relationship. A true re-enactment from two characters in a story.

And I thank you guys for reading all these… I never felt so pain before and it never did lasted long even when months comes by I still have to go to school… 😔 my hair already gotten white a lot….😔 just how sad and how bad it is….

~whitefanglilwolf