ZINE: The Parable of the Novice Hypnotist | 8/21/22

This is a mini-zine containing an Ericksonian, mildly Discordian, probably Other-Things-ian hypnosis story. It contains hidden, secret knowledge, and also some obvious and not-so-obvious morals! Wow!

Is it hypnotic? I don't know! What crosses the line into hypnosis? It is available here, or in nice PDF form or printable/foldable physical form on itch.io (preferred).

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Once upon a time, there was a person who wanted to be a hypnotist, because they got off on the idea of turning a hot girl into a dumb cow.

Sometimes, they seeked knowledge with a curious and open mind, but other times it felt like too much work and too much to sift through. Sometimes, it was much easier to just watch porn of hot girls mooing blankly.

But they were motivated, and so eventually they pursued counsel from an experienced hypnotist.

This was a hypnotist who was very, very talented. It was a rare opportunity, and so they visited this hypnotist at their idyllic farmhouse, surrounded by fields and animals.

They asked: "Hypnotist! How do I become powerful and capable? How do I manifest my will and turn a hot girl into a docile, bovine sex pet?"

The hypnotist said, "Read these five books, and come back to me for further instruction."

And they were recommended five books on five different topics: a book about poetry, a book about philosophy, a book about psychology, a book about magic, and a book about stand-up comedy.

But the novice was busy, and although they were enthusiastic at first, their interest quickly waned, for none of the books even mentioned hypnosis or hucows (at least within the first ten pages).

After a while, they returned. "I am sorry," they confessed. "But I can't bring myself to read books that I have no interest in."

The hypnotist thought for a moment and then spoke. "Let me tell you a story about a cow, then, that will reveal to you the secrets of hypnosis."

The novice was suddenly excited. "A hot cow-girl?"

The hypnotist began the story.

"When I was a young boy on this farm, my father was trying to herd the cattle back into the barn. But they were stubborn beasts, and no matter how hard he pushed, he could not get his way.

"I was asked to help, and having the open mind of a child, I yanked on the cow's tail. And it made an awful noise, but it ran straight away from me and into the barn."

The hypnotist-wannabe was disappointed at the lack of tits being milked, but something was dawning on them, for they sensed the cleverness of the story. "So you identified the right environment to make the cow do what you wanted!"

The hypnotist smiled. "Why don't you go see if you can do the same?"

Feeling a thrill, the novice went out to the farm where one of the cows was indeed grazing outside the barn. Cautiously, they approached it from behind, reached out to grab its tail…

At that moment, alarmed, the beast spun round, and with a great shove, pushed the novice down onto the manure-covered ground.

Left stunned on their ass in a bunch of bullshit, the wannabe was enlightened.

• The unexpected defines hypnosis.
• There are no shortcuts except the ones you don't intend.
• Hypnosis is bullshit.