Behind-the-Song: indie pop girl pt.3/4

Here we have context for the chorus in the form of examples of what inspires some that feeling of needing to be "on" all the time. And also the bridge, where it's more of a moment of reflection of whether my methods are um...reasonable or, you know...healthy? 😅🫣

(Shhh pretend the bridge is in the photo; it's totally there, I'm sure of it)

A fair warning for the breakdown of this section of the song, it is...a little darker and more upsetting than most of the rest of the song. While I think it's pretty obvious what the topics are and their inspiration, please be aware that it is by nature, a little rage-baity. 🫣

I think it's worth noting here that, broadly, while these are absolutely experiences and circumstances that validate and feed the messages of these verses, they aren't true. And the contrary is significantly and consistently better substantiated. And I know that...most days 😅👍

Got your Barbie doll image, best hide your internal grimace / You can't react when you're treated like you're just something to pillage / "Calm down", "Don't frown"

I think these verses are pretty self-explanatory, but I like giving way too much context, so suck it 💁‍♀️

Pretty clearly, this is about the expectation (internal or external) of maintaining some facsimile of yourself in the public eye. Swallowing what you want to say to people, hiding your reactions to some of the more off-putting and/or offensive comments, and responding in the way your created character would be expected to.

In some ways, this is actually a really useful skill. You learn to be more measured and thoughtful about interactions, which can be a good thing when applied broadly. It especially comes in handy when used in circumstances of hurt feelings. You become a little bit less likely to react to things exclusively out of emotion, and so a little less likely to say things you don't mean in retaliation of someone hurting your feelings. You give yourself the time to try to understand where someone is coming from, and respond with kindness (but no, responding with kindness does not inherently mean you forgive them or excuse their actions; it just means you're not escalating the situation 😅).

But in the context of this song, it's about maintaining an image of yourself to your own detriment. Particularly as a woman, pretending to be unphased by the many degrading, demeaning, belittling, and misogynistic experiences you are faced with on a regular basis. For the sake of being polite. For the avoidance of being called something more unsavoury simply because you stood up for yourself. Because a pretty girl isn't allowed to be anything more than something nice to look at, and if she "acts out" or is, I don't know, an independent human being, she's actually a hideous monster and a bad person.

Obviously that's a bit dramatized, but for some people (thankfully no one here 🥰), that is completely accurate. Some people truly hold those kinds of beliefs, whether or not they'll admit to it or phrase it that way. And I know, and many fellow humans know, from experience. And so while this verse is of course a dramatization and of course not actually accurate, it is unfortunately pretty sufficiently substantiated 🫠

And yes, unfortunately unsurprisingly, "calm down" and "don't frown"/ "you're prettier when you smile" are absolutely things I heard more than my share of, verbatim, in my life 🤦‍♀️

You owe everyone responses, don't you know you belong to them / Your desires don't matter, they just want all you can offer / "Don't think, just sing"

THIS ONE GETS ME 😂 This one is so obviously not true, but also so frustratingly accurate to experiences that it's almost comical. To be fair, the comedy is in the fact that it's so obviously absurd, and yet it still is the expectation sometimes...which should be the same above, but is not because that one's kind of commonplace 🙄

ANYWAY

This actually comes up in streams sometimes, and if it happens again, I'm going to need to remember that I want to tell everyone that I don't actually like the teasing on this particular topic...I can't remember if I've voiced that yet...I think I did, but I truly do not recall, so... 🤷‍♀️ Something to try to remember. But either way, when it comes up in stream chat as teasing that I take forever to respond to messages, I know that it's just teasing. And while that does bother me a little bit, I still take it as joking around.

But the reason it bothers me sometimes is because that has been a genuine complaint / criticism I have received. That is a genuine expectation for some people. And so when we joke about it, the people who do have that expectation aren't the people who recognize that it's satirical. So it is more likely to embolden them. And I am the one who receives the consequential passive aggressive messages 🫠

I know I don't owe anyone responses, much less everyone. But I do genuinely like to get to connect with people off-stream, so there's a part of me that always wants to respond. And so I leave my DMs open. And I am happy with that decision

Most of the time. 😅

But there are people who have an expectation that I respond quickly – as opposed to my more common 2+ months response time these days 🫣😬 – and will make that very clear. I have on multiple occasions and from multiple people, been chased around via other messaging platforms and live in stream chats for responses. Telling me to check my messages or reminding me that they've sent a message, etc., even going so far as to message my mod team directly. And when it's for something important, yes, absolutely remind me and pester me. But more often than not, that's coming from people who have sent something as simple as a hello, or have been trauma dumping expecting a response, or have complimented or insulted me (yes, both of those things happen and I have been chased for a response in both cases pretty evenly).

Beyond that, I also get passive aggressive remarks in those DM threads. When I do respond and I'm met with "finally", or "wow, I just love our 2-3 message 'conversations' every x weeks" – then stop messaging me? 😅 Like if you are displeased with the interaction, stop interacting? That seems like a better solution than making me feel like an ass for trying to respect my needs and energy levels? 🤷‍♀️

And of course, I also get at least one message a year from someone who is outraged that I didn't respond to their messages in the live stream chat. That I didn't call on them enough, or that I didn't get to them "at all" (which is typically when I'm behind in chat and they don't realize and leave in a huff, or when they're spamming something inappropriate). Or I didn't play their song fast enough 🫠 (that one is kind of fair, but in my defense, there are ways to get your song played faster 🤷‍♀️). And much of the time, those messages include several paragraphs of insults to my character and how I run streams, and implications (or in some cases direct accusations) that I only respond to people who give me money – and am therefore a morally corrupt, greedy asshole, who doesn't care about people... 🫠

So while it is absolutely not true that I "owe" people responses, some people believe that I do. Some people take it extremely personally. And they always make it my problem.

This verse is for the people who truly do believe that I "belong" to them in some way. That I "owe" them something, personally. That I am there for their entertainment. For their convenience. For their consumption. For their desires.

Thankfully, we can ban those people. 💁‍♀️😅

Learned every kind of tension, pulled in every direction / Will you learn to let go?

The bridge! 🙌

I'm so happy that I decided to slow down this whole section of the song and have that moment of pause, because that's exactly what this bridge is. It's a moment of reflection. A moment to slow down and think and consider.

This was an acknowledgement that I stretch myself too thin. And even when I do try to take a break, I continue to run around trying to get things done. I continue to work. I drop one thing and pick up another.

One day I hope to learn to let go a little better 😅 but I am definitely doing a better job of that recently than I was when I wrote this song! 🙌 Baby steps.