[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I have excellent newsssss
Rowling: Florida is going to kidnap transss kids
Rowling: and alsssso any kid whom a hillbilly magissstrate might think might possssibly sssomeday gender nonconform
Rowling: thissss is great, they’ll take away the children
Rowling: and any sssupportive parentssss go ssstraig...
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Shelley: check it out, this is my girlfriend Jane Williams
Williams: sup
Stephen King: whoa whoa wait a second mary
King: I thought you were dating percy
Shelley: yeah
King:
King: well now I’m just all confused
King: oh wait no I get it
King: when you say that she’s your girlfriend
King: you mean that you’re, like, gal pals right?...
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: ah
Rowling: I have excellent newsssss
Rowling: my terf death eaterssss have acquired a very exciting new celebrity get
Rowling: time to celebrate! Letsss get ssssome tunessss playing!
[‘Streets of Cairo’ starts playing, Rowling sways hypnotically to beat]
Poe: what? what’s this celebrity get?
Rowling: the entire new York times op-ed ...
Andrzej Żuławski: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the possession
William Peter Blatty: alright sounds like my kinda story!
Blatty: [rubbing hands together in anticipation] things bout to get real catholic in here!
Żuławski: no
Żuławski: so imagine
Żuławski: just imagine the two most extra people that you can imagine
King:...
John Baltisberger: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this
Baltisberger: the tale of Schlomo Spade, Kosher Dick
Lovecraft: [sweats] oh no
Lovecraft: [sweats] o h n o
Baltisberger: there’s also a kaiju involved
Lovecraft: [stops sweating] oh good
Baltisberger: the kaiju is also jewish
Lovecraft: [sweating resumes] oh no
Baltisberger: it w...
Ross Douthat: [wearing hat with PRESS tag] why are kids today so depressed?
Douthat: I, Ross Douthat, serious thinker, take a hard look at the question in today's new york times
Douthat: because sometimes even the grey lady needs a break from cheerleading genocide
Douthat: could it be that they live in a soul-crushing panopticon with no hope for the future amid rising fas...
2023-02-20 18:39:50 +0000 UTC View PostEdgar Allan Poe: i feel like there's been way too much drama here lately
Poe: too many cranks just venting obsessions and paranoias!
Poe: can't we just hear a nice, simple, old-fashioned horror story?
HP Lovecraft: i-i've got one
Poe: ...son of a bitch
Poe: ok howard let's hear it
August Derleth: wooo! yeah!
Derleth: go off Howard, you got this!
Lovecraft: y-yeah ok<...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: it sssseemsss that my podcassst
Rowling: where i explained how i'm the real victim
Rowling: didn't go over asssss well as i'd hoped
Rowling: sssseemssss people were ssstill thinking about that transsss teen who got murdered yesssterday
Rowling: everyone'ssss ignoring MY victimhood
Rowling: and just ...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I have good newsss
Rowling: I have ssuccesssssfully ssssued my criticssss into sssilence
Rowling: my british criticssss, that is
Rowling: [mumbling under breath] lousssy ssstinking americansss
Rowling: confound those americansss!
Rowling: with their free ssspeech!
Rowling: and their maverick, can...
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh
Poe: joanne
Rowling: I want to invite you all to hear my ssspecial podcassst appearance
Poe: oh god
Barker: what’s it called
Rowling: it’s called ‘the witch trialsss of jk rowling’
Barker: ah hahaha
Rowling: ssssee, it referssss to the fact that I wrote a book about witchesss
Rowling: but also, like historical witchesss, I...
Benjamin Wheatley: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of a field in England
Wheatley: starring Reece Shearsmith
Stephen King: oh good! The league of gentlemen! I could do with a good laugh
Wheatley:
Wheatley: it’s a tale of psychological torture and psychedelic manipulation
King: I’m laughing already!
Wheatley: it all takes pla...
2023-02-11 23:47:16 +0000 UTC View Post[Scottish castle]
Agent: hey joanne
JK Rowling: Lydia
Rowling: what newssss do you bring of the outsssside muggle world
Agent:
Agent: uh well
Agent: there’s been A LOT of buzz about your new Hogwarts game
Rowling: good buzz?
Agent:
Rowling: the children all love my hogwartssss game do they not?
Rowling: they love to be transsssported back to the whimsssical ...
Guillermo del Toro: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of Frankenstein
del Toro: but what if Frankenstein was hot
Stephen King: do you mean the doctor or the monster
King: because, technically, the monster is frankenstein’s monster and
del Toro: I know what I said, steve
Del Toro: in this retelling, the doctor is played by Oscar isaacs
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Mary Shelley: my little man percy here’s got a story
Mary Shelley: and you’re all gonna sit and listen to it okay?
Mary Shelley: alright tell your story percy
Percy Shelley: yes dear
Mary Shelley: you fuckers are gonna love this
Lord Byron: [tossing hair] ah mary now you know if you want a real story, a story of dashing derring do from a real...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: big newssss
Rowling: your favorite game issss finally available
Rowling: hogwartssss legacccy
Rowling: i hope you've all already purchasssed your 4 copiesss
Jesse Singal: i did! i bought 4 copies, dark lord!
Graham Linehan: i bought 5
Rowling: uh oh jessssse looks like someone's...
Tom Monteleone: hey everyone did you hear me on that podcast?
Poe: oh which podcast?
Monteleone: I think it was called “Groyper Final-Solution and Loli Wendy’s Mascot Present the 14 Word Retvrn Cast”
Poe:
Barker:
Lovecraft:
King: um
King: what did you talk about
Tom Monteleone: trans people are satanic, black people have it too easy, and they/thems…
Monte...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: ah my terf deatheaterssss
Rowling: I have excellent newsss
Graham Linehan: [blundering into circle] hello everyone, I’m back!!
Rowling: goddamnit how does he keep finding us
Posie Parker: oh I told him where we were meeting
Rowling: you told
Parker: oh yeah get on the trolley joanne
Parker: graham’s not an embarrass...
Franz Kafka: hey everyone
Kafka: I guess I’ll tell a
Kafka:
Kafka: [world weary sigh]
Kafka: I’m sorry I’ve just been
Kafka: so depressed
Kafka: what’s the point of anything
Kafka: the world is an unfeeling labyrinth of nonsensical rules constraining us at every turn
King: gee franz it’s not so bleak as all that
Kafka: and also I’m ugly
King: now tha...
TS Eliot: Let's go now
Eliot: to the kitchens and the sculleries
Eliot: where bus boys put plates in sinks
Eliot: people wear more hats these days
Eliot: have you ever noticed there's more clouds these days
Eliot: where's the fire
Eliot: in your beautiful blue eyes, officer
Eliot: doctor doctor mister em dee
Eliot: how much wood could a wood chuck chuck
Eli...
Lovecraft: h-hey guys do you want to see my newsletter
Barker: you uh
Barker: you wrote a newsletter?
Barker: whats it called?
Lovecraft: t-the conservative
Barker:
Barker: ah ha ha ha
August Derleth: STOP IT, HOWARD IS ONLY AS RACIST AS THE AVERAGE MAN OF HIS DAY!!
Derleth: look before you start making assumptions
Derleth: you gotta understand that h...
Brandon Sanderson: well I’m off to my day job
Sanderson: teaching creative writing at brigham young university
Barker: oh yeah? Is that the case?
Barker: I thought Mormons were against D&D
Sanderson:
Sanderson:
Sanderson: I don’t just write D&D
Barker: how many saving rolls do you have to throw when you write
Sanderson: i
Sanderson:
Sanderson: [sprit...
[unicorn fuck club]
Brandon Sanderson: so I’ve got a story
Sanderson: I call it the tale of cosmere universe
Sanderson: it’s kind of long, so you should all probably go to the bathroom first
Sanderson: so here’s what you have to know about the cosmere universe
Sanderson: it’s got a hard magic system
Sanderson: you have to spend 8 points of manna to cast magic missil...
Kyle Edward Ball: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, i call this the tale of the skinamarink
Koontz: oh! like the
Ball: yes yes go ahead and say it
Ball: just like sharon lois and bram's elephant show
Ball: like i haven't heard THAT before
Ball: goddamn gen xers
Ball: this is the tale of the skinamarink
Ball: i hope you're ready to look at th...
Brian Keene: hey guys we’re going to do a collection of barbarian horror
Robert E Howard: hang on thar a dang second pardna
Howard: how y’all gonna do that?
Keene: well I think
Keene: it’ll go a little something
Keene: like this…
[wasteland expanse]
Brian Keene: [in loincloth] I am Brian
Keene: brian the barbarian
Keene: greatest warrior on all krull
Kee...
Rowling: hello children
Rowling: I have good newssss
Rowling: sscotland thought it could get away with being lessss transssphobic
Rowling: well!
Rowling: not on my watch!
Rowling: I’m delighted to ssssay that wessstminsssster issss going to put those filthy ssscotsss their place
Rowling: imagine! Getting all uppity like that!
Rowling: we’ll sssoon put them back in t...
Oscar Wilde: ah midnight society
King: OMG! Oscar wilde
King: guys it’s Oscar wilde!
Poe: yes steve
King: they say he’s the wittiest man in the world
Wilde: hmm and what is the world but a very big globe with people and other things on it
King: ha ha! Oh man I’m laughing already!
Wilde: there’s only one thing worse than being in a society and that’s not being i...
2023-01-13 19:12:44 +0000 UTC View PostJK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: did you hear?
Rowling: people are ssssaying that I wassss the firssst author to write about poverty
King:
Poe:
Koontz:
Lovecraft:
Barker: oh are they
Poe: clive
Barker: are they saying that?
Poe: clive
Barker:
Rowling: people are ssssaying that I’m the firsssst author to realisssstically deal with poverty in writing
Lucy Clifford: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the new mother
Clifford: if kids are naughty, then your mom will abandon you
Clifford: and a new BAD mom will come for you
Neil Gaiman: zounds!
Gaiman: a lightning bolt of inspiration!
Gaiman: as from the very heavens themselves!
Gaiman: quick! Fetch me my big old-timey quill!
G...
Lucy Clifford: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the new mother
Clifford: now then
Clifford: you must all remember that if you’re bad
Clifford: your mother will abandon you and you’ll get a new monster mother
Barker: haha badass
Clifford: NO
Clifford: no clive it is not
Clifford: this new mother, she’s got glass eyes
Cli...
Since Twitter is in the slow process of imploding, I've been trying to cross post Midnight Pals to other platforms, including Mastodon, Tumblr, and Substack. Seems weird that I DON'T post it here, right? I mean, it does make sense to post it here as well? So that said, I'm also going to be cross posting here. Hope you all enjoy! Here's today's thread:
[mysterious circle of robed figures] ...
2023-01-06 19:55:44 +0000 UTC View Post