Bram Stoker: everyone, i have a story
Barker: oh boy this should be good
Stoker: and this time it's different
Stoker: i've been secretly taking lessons in how to be horny
Stoker: so this story is really going to show you sex-likers a thing or two
Stoker: submitted for the approval of the midnight society
Stoker: i call this the tale of dracula
Stoker: sovereign of the da...
Lovecraft: ugh! cozy horror!
Lovecraft: that's the thing i hate the most!
Lovecraft: it's so
Lovecraft: it's
Lovecraft: it's just so!!
Lovecraft: so cozy!!
Lovecraft: reminds me of hygge
Lovecraft: and those degenerate swarthy danes
Angela Carter: i find it interesting that you object to cozy horror, howard
Carter: I'm curious why that is
Carter: is it perhaps b...
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers time pack it in!
Poe: what's going on?
Shelley: haven't you heard? there's a new kind of horror in town!
Shelley: it's called cozy horror!
Shelley: and this one's just for us girls!
Tabitha King: yeah!
Shelley: the gals got together and we decided
Shelley: we're all tired of your bullshit
Shelley: so we invented a special kind of horror...
Neil Gaiman: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale Gaiman: of the hierophant of illusions!
Gaiman: the patriarch of the velvet shroud of night!
Gaiman: the master
Gaiman: [throwing sparkling dust] of dreams!
Gaiman: in tonight's adventure, the master of dreams is captured
Koontz: oh no!
Gaiman: oh yes my young friend
Gaiman: impri...
Harry Turtledove: greetings citizens of earth 12, do not be alarmed
Poe: oh hi harry
Turtledove: ah you know me?
Turtledove: i've passed this way...
Turtledove: before?
Turtledove: [adjusting handheld device] hm the dimensional transmogrifier got decalibrated
Turtledove: it must have been the negative chronobytes from that ion storm on earth 27⁸
Barker: oh yeah d...
King: hey have you guys heard about this new thing?
King: it’s called cozy horror!
Poe: whats that?
King: I’m not entirely sure
King: but it seems to be quite the discourse
Barker: oh cool
Barker: cool cool cool
King: well do you guys remember when we had the elevated horror discourse?
Barker: no
King: come on sure you do!
King: it...
I've been hinting for a while, but here it is... the first teaser trailer for the new Midnight Pals audio drama (comedy) podcast!! Thanks to some incredible work from our producer Robin Johnson and a stellar voice cast! (you will enjoy it)
2023-06-08 18:06:54 +0000 UTC View PostJK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i'm happy to report a terrible injussstice has been rectified
Rowling: oxfam made a video in sssupport of pride month
Rowling: but we sssoon put a ssstop to that!
Poe:
King:
Koontz:
Barker:
Barker: oh man i bet this story is a real fuckin doozy
Rowling: sssseee this video included a caricature of me
Rowling: and that ...
[mysterious circle of robed figures]
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i bring excellent newssss
Rowling: i have received word that a very prominent horror writer might be
Rowling: amenable
Rowling: to our
Rowling:
Rowling: well i don't want to ssay hate group
Kathleen Stock: an actual horror writer?
Rowling: yess
Stock: this will be a great addi...
Tim Boucher: hello fellow authors!
Boucher: it's me, tim Boucher -- author!
Boucher: and boy, as an author, let me tell you
Boucher: us authors sure love to author around
Poe: something's not right here
Boucher: i've written 97 stories in the last month!
Boucher: while we're talking, i'm writing 3 more
King: that's impossible! no one can write that fast
King: except f...
Koontz: submitted for the approval of the midnight society
Koontz: i
Koontz: phew
Poe: what's the matter dean
Koontz: i don't know, telling stories is such hard work
Koontz: there's got to be a better way
L Ron Hubbard: hey friends its me your old pal honest ron
Hubbard: listen friend i hear ya
Hubbard: making stories takes it outta ya
Koontz: that's for s...
JK Rowling: hello children
Rowling: i'm back
Poe:
Rowling: and I'm
Rowling: HIGHLY dissssappointed
Barker: oh good!
Barker: i can't wait to hear this one
Rowling: people keep accusssing my terf deatheatersss of being nazissss!
Barker: is it because of all the nazis at your rallies
Rowling: you can't prove that
Barker: what about these photos & videos of nazi...
Koontz: i don't want to!!!
King: dean you're overreacting
Koontz: no! no!
King: dean its brian and mary's wedding
King: you have to look nice
King: let me tie this tie
Koontz: [exaggerated choking noises]
King: dean it's not even that tight!
Barker: are you guys almost ready
Barker: we're going to be late for the wedding
King: give me a second, i'm just tying de...
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe: Submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of faust
Goethe: so this guy sells his soul to the devil to get the ultimate knowledge
Goethe: oh the guy's name is faust by the way
Goethe: so part 1 is all about faust trying to bang this one hottie
Goethe: part 2 is where we just go off the rails
Goethe: he meets dante! ...
Arthur Machen: now see, some people think that true evil is when a person, like, does a murder or something
Machen: but i propose that true evil
Machen: is when you see a real fucked up tree
King:
Poe:
Algernon Blackwood: now hold on here
Blackwood: i think he's on to something
Samantha Eaton: oh you think a weird tree is scary?
Eaton: check this
Eaton: Sub...
Joyce Carol Oates: [busting down door] buckle up fucklechucks
Oates: Oates the GOATS is back
Oates: and i got a hot take straight off the griddle for ya
Oates: careful!
Oates: it's
Oates: spicy!!!
Oates: so people are so depressed these days
Oates: always talking about how they feel nothing but despair and all they see ahead is despair and doom
Oates: the world...
Robert Chambers: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the yellow sign
Chambers: the scary part is that its yellow
Barker: how do you figure
Chambers: well, it’s the scariest color
Barker:
Barker: what
Chambers: yellow is the scariest color
Barker: what the hell are you talking about
Lovecraft: no he’s right...
HP Lovecraft: S-submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the swarthy foreigner
King: c’mon howard really
Lovecraft: t-this is cancel culture
King:
King: howard
King: you can’t keep doing this
Lovecraft: t-this is cancel culture
King: clive did you really have to teach him that phrase
King: I mean yeah it was fu...
Mary Shelley: sup fuckers
Poe: oh mary
Poe: sit down
Poe: we have some bad news
Poe: it’s about percy
Mary Shelley: what about percy
Poe: he’s been rusticated
Mary Shelley: the fuck
Poe: yes he’s been rusticated
Mary Shelley: rusticated for…?
Poe: yes rusticated for contumacy
Mary Shelley: aw shit, not contumacy!
Mary Shelley: aw shit what the fuck...
JK Rowling: hello children
Poe: oh jk rowling
Poe: great to see you again
Poe:
Poe: in theory
Barker: ha ha ha
Poe: clive i'm not in the mood
Rowling: i jusst sslithered in to tell you
Rowling: my terf deatheaterss got a big celebrity get
Rowling: bc if a quorum of celebrities agree a particular minority group shouldn’t have rightss
Rowling: then itss legally ...
Dan Bongino: eyyyy lemme tell you, dat biden, e's a real shwetegenutz! badda bing badda boom git im outtaaa erreee i'm a cop new york's fine
Dan Bongino: eyyyy lemme tell you, dat biden, e's a real shwetegenutz! badda bing badda boom git im outtaaa erreee i'm a cop new york's finest back da blue baby
Bongino: now i know a shwetegenutz when i sees one, i was a cop baby. new york cop ba...
Aubrey Wood: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the cyberpunk future
Wood: [flashlight under chin] of luxury gay space communism!
King: uh
King: we mostly tell horror stories here
Dan Simmons: [clutching pearls] gay space communism!?
Aubrey Wood: this is a cyberpunk future where everyone has pink hair
Simmons: no! no!...
Ryan Murphy: hey everyone it's me ryan murphy!
Brad Falchuk: and I'm ryan murphy!
Murphy: and we're back with another exciting American Horror Story
Murphy: with me! Brad Falchuk!
Falchuk: and me! Brad Falchuk!
Murphy: we're doing an official backrooms adaptation! you guys all love the backrooms don't you?
Koontz: oh! oh! i love the backrooms!
Barker: oh yeah dean ...
Gemma Amor: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the six rooms
Amor: so there’s this historic house--
King: oh like the Biltmore!
Amor:
Amor: [through gritted teeth] sure like the Biltmore
Amor: so this historic house actually has a very interesting history
King: you know, the Biltmore house also has an interesting history
Koontz:...
Poe: it’s awful nice of dean Koontz to invite us over for a picnic, eh, guys?
Dario Argento: I hope he made lots of spaghetti!!!
[approaching luxurious manor house, entrance flanked by 2 stone golden retrievers]
Dean Koontz: [wearing smoking jacket and holding pipe] oh hello! I didn’t see you there
Koontz: I’m dean Koontz, welcome to my temporary 12,000-square-foot ho...
Stephen King: [throws football] go wide, joe!
Joe Hill: [catches football] I love you, dad!
King: I love you too son
Elon Musk:
Musk: eyyyy whata the fuck
Musk: you thinka you winna this round, Stephano king?
Musk: you thinka you betta than me just because you bambinos like-a you?
Musk: I showa you
Musk: eeeey looka here it’s baby elon
Musk: [hastily putting on ...
Manly Wade Wellman: tonight my son and I are going to tell a story together
Manly Wade Wellman: I want you all to say hello to my boy
Manly Wade Wellman: Wade Wellman
Manly Wade Wellman: or as we call him sometimes
Manly Wade Wellman: Boyish Wade Wellman
Manly Wade Wellman: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, I call this the tale of the martians
Wellman: so ...
Guy de Maupassant: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the horla
de Maupassant: it’s about an invisible monster that’s always chasing me!
Stephen King: haha wow what kind of drugs were you on when you came up with that one?
de Maupassant: ether
King:
King: oh
de Maupassant: so there’s this invisible monster after me
de Maup...
Mary San Giovanni: it’s time for the model doll house expo
Brian Keene: ixnay on the odel doll house expo may
Thomas Ligotti: I want to hear more about this expo
SanGiovanni: well, they have doll houses from all over the world
Ligotti: hm
SanGiovanni: some of the latest models have as many as TWO floors
Ligotti: hm
SanGiovanni: and can accommodate mixed families of d...
Brian Keene: Submitted for the approval of the Midnight Society, I call this the tale of the rising zombies
Poe: who’s that with you?
Keene: oh this? this is just Charlie Benante
Keene: you know
Keene: from a little thing called
Keene: anthrax
Keene: charlie’s gonna draw some picture to go with my story
Poe: hi Charlie
Benante: [inarticulate thrash metal screaming...