thehardtimes

Hard Digest June 1: Early Access Pills, Kings of Leon, Bulldogs, and More

Aging Punk Never Thought Taking a Handful of Pills Would Be the Most Boring Part of His Day

By Zack Zagranis

BOSTON — Middle-aged punk Mickey “Goatfucker” Sullivan never thought that swallowing severa...

Hard Digest May 31: Early Access Metallica, EPA, and Landlords

Pregnant Woman Weighing Ethical Considerations of Bringing Child Into World Where Metallica Still Releasing New Music

By Steve Packosky

CHICAGO — Pregnant woman Janice Bonder found herself second-gues...

Hard Digest May 30: Early Access Prom, Billie Joe Armstrong, Dr. Seuss, and More

Straight Edge High Schoolers Don’t Need Booze to Not Have Fun at Prom

By Reuben Blanchard

SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local straight edge high schoolers recently stated that their commitment to living a drug- a...

Hard Digest May 29: Early Access Drinking, Microplastics, Stealing and More

Potassium-Deficient Punk Switching from Steel Reserve to 99 Bananas

By Evan Vest

CLEVELAND, Ohio — Punk stalwart Dave “Mel-Mel” Ryans made the switch from the popular malt liquor Steel Reserve, sometimes kn...

MVP: Twisted Sister "We're Not Gonna Take It"

This week on the podcast we break down the Twisted Sister classic "We're Not Gonna Take It" video and tell you everything you ever needed to know about this suburban protest anthem. Listen with your parents.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4xmckWVPRaI

Hard Digest May 28: Early Access Kid Rock, Vaccines, Trump Library, and More

Kid Rock Caps off Kennedy Center Concert With Woody Guthrie Cover “Mein Kampf Is Your Kampf”

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Kid Rock capped off his concert at the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing...

Hard Digest May 27: Harvard, Early Access Pirated Movies, Target, Trump, and More

Genius Janitors Now Forced To Solve Equations on Own Blackboards Following Trump’s Harvard Contract Cuts

By Steve Packosky

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — President Donald Trump’s decision to terminate all of t...

Hard Digest May 26: Early Access ICP, Helen of Troy, Multitasking, and More

Trump Administration to Cut Much Needed Mental Health Funds for Clown Posses

By Charles Bill

WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump announced plans to cut much needed mental health funds fo...

Hard Digest May 25: Early Access Memorial Day, and More

Pete Hegseth Wishes Happy Memorial Day to Covert Marine Operatives Stationed at 15.5527° N, 48.5164° E

By Matt Husser

WASHINGTON — Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth delivered a special Memorial Day message...

Hard Digest May 24: Early Access Municipal Waste, Airbnb, Elon Musk, and More

Municipal Waste Fan Horrified To Learn He Drank Responsibly Last Night

By Steve Packosky

CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly...

Hard Digest May 23: Harvard, Early Access Metalheads, Newsies, Ms. Rachel, and More

Harvard Asking Around To See If Anyone Knows Any Good Lawyers

By Dan Kozuh

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — Administrators at Harvard University are currently reaching out to everyone in their network and asking if anyone ...

Hard Digest May 22: Trump, Early Access Tea, Hell, Old Guys, and More

Shocked Trump Could Have Sworn South African President Died in Prison

By Ben Friedman

WASHINGTON — President Trump left his meeting with South African President Cyril Ramaphosa visibly shaken and confused a...

MVP: Limp Bizkit "Rollin' (Air Raid Vehicle)"

This song sucks, this video sucks, but this podcast episode doesn't. This week we break down everything you need to know about this Limp Bizkit stink fest.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RYnFIRc0k6E

Hard Digest May 21: Early Access Howard Stern, Crust Punks, Democrats, and More

Ride to Airport From Uncle Confirms Howard Stern Still Exists

By Tim Graham

BOSTON — Frequent flyer Kaitlyn Massey was surprised to learn that venerable shock jock Howard Stern is still alive and broadcasting,...

Hard Digest May 20: Early Access Gentrification, Soul Asylum, Spelling, and More

Urinal Cake Signals Beginning of Venue Gentrification

By Mark Danowsky

DENVER — A urinal cake spotted in the bathroom of Low Clearance raised concerns that the beloved venue may be veering away from their...

Hard Digest May 19: Biden's Cancer, Early Access Garage Sales, Financial Disasters, Dog Owners, and More

Israeli Doctors Suggest Treating Biden’s Cancer With Indiscriminate Bombing, Followed by Starvation

By The Hard Times Staff

GREENVILLE, Del. — Top doctors from all over Israel travelled to the United Stat...

Hard Digest May 18: Early Access Barenaked Ladies, Last Names, Gaza, and More

Barenaked Ladies Threaten to Release Another Song Unless Tariffs on Canada Are Lifted

By Steve Packosky

TORONTO — Canadian rock band Barenaked Ladies responded to U.S. President Donald Trump’s sweeping ta...

Hard Digest May 17: Early Access Piss Streams, The Toadies, and Late-Stage Capitalism

Aging Punk’s Weakened Piss Stream Now Eliminates Only Method He Uses to Clean His Toilet

By Stephen Bell

LOS ANGELES — Local punk Corbin Stefanski’s weakening urine stream is severely limiting his abili...

Hard Digest May 16: Bruce Springsteen, Early Access Sweetwater Reps, Bipolar Girlfriends, the Aggro Crag, and More

Trump Orders Raid of Wendy’s Dreams and Visions in Retaliation for Bruce Springsteen’s Rant

By Dan Rice

LONG BRANCH, N.J. — President Trump ordered a federal raid of the dreams and visions of Wendy, t...

Hard Digest May 15: Riot Fest, Early Access Apps, Cybertrucks, Polyamory, and More

Punk Community Celebrates 20th Anniversary of Hopelessly Waiting For Operation Ivy to Reunite At Riot Fest

By Corey Montgomery

CHICAGO — Legions of punk fans are bracing for disappointment over th...

MVP: Interpol "Evil"

It's about time we did a video featuring a puppet. This week Bill and Dan break down everything you need to know about Interpol's video for their hit song "Evil."

Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dkpgz3uQ58U

Hard Digest May 14: Early Access, Koalas, Tom Morello, Lilith Fair, and More

Rare Koala Absolute Fuck Machine

By Doug Kolic

SAN DIEGO — A rare koala discovered at the San Diego Zoo defied its species’ reputation for being sedentary and lethargic and became an uncontrollable fuck ma...

Hard Digest May 13: Early Access Sonic Youth, Gruel, Wikipedia, and More

Sonic Youth Announce Reunion to Bully Nardwuar Again

By Mimi Kenny

NEW YORK — Local noise rock band Sonic Youth announced they were reforming 13 years after their dissolution, specifically to taunt and hara...

Hard Digest May 12: Early Access Chrome, Posers, Festivals, and More

Punk-Designed Chrome Extension Stops Google From Asking You If You Want to Kill Yourself Every Time You Look Up “Suicidal Tendencies”

By Noah Dominguez

SEATTLE — Punk web designer Priscilla Prange publ...

Hard Digest May 11: Early Access Excuses, Oasis, Motorcycles, and More

Middle-Aged Man Wonders If He’s Already Given His Best Excuses Not to Go to Friends’ Show

By Nathan Kamal

PORTLAND, Ore. — Local 42-year-old Mitch Hensley, a self-proclaimed supporter of the Portland s...

Hard Digest May 10: Mother's Day Early Access

Perennial Plants Thriving at Childhood Home Suggest Mom Can Be Nurturing After All

By Amber Hendrix

RICHMOND — Local Improv Coach Amanda Paulson is struggling to reconcile her mother’s maternal dedicat...

Hard Digest May 9: Early Access The Callous Daoboys,

DraftKings Predict The Callous Daoboys Have Better Odds of Reaching Super Bowl Than Dallas Cowboys

By Audrey Vieira

ATLANTA — New data from DraftKings indicates mathcore band The Callous Daoboys are an unli...

Hard Digest May 8: New Pope, Early Access Nu Metal, Old Guys, Walmart, and More

Opinion: Is the World Ready for the First Openly Muppet Pope?

By Matt Husser

As the secret proceedings of the Papal Conclave draw to a close, millions of people around the world are waiting with bated breath for the announc...

MVP: a-ha "Take On Me"

If you ever dreamed about being whisked away to a comic book world by a handsome Norwegian, then "Take On Me" is the video for you. This week we break down everything you need to know about this a-ha classic.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djV11Xbc914

Hard Digest May 7: Early Access Violent Femmes, Nirvana, Binaca, and More

Violent Femmes Finally Spring for Bass Drum

By Jeff Bender

MILWAUKEE — Legendary folk-punk group Violent Femmes announced Thursday that the band has finally bought a bass drum after 44 years of using just a snare and, occas...