thehardtimes

Hard Digest September 9: Early Access Les Claypool, Planet Fitness, Tim Walz, and More

Les Claypool Sends Follow-up Email to Metallica Regarding 1986 Bass Audition

By Steve Packosky 

EL SOBRANTE, Calif. — Prolific bassist and Primus frontman Les Claypool sent a follow-up email ...

Hard Digest September 8: Early Access Cocktails, Exes, Posers, and More

Party Guests Endure 30-Minute Wait for Drinks from Friend Who Just Got Into Cocktail Making

By Dan Kozuh

LOUISVILLE, Ky.. — Guests at local man Ricky Ellis’ house party endured an agonizing 30-min...

Hard Digest September 7: Early Access Country Music, Marlboro Miles, Rhino XXL Pills, Mistakes, and More

Country Musician Put Out of Work by AI Capable of Boot Licking Ten Times Faster

By Ben Friedman

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Up-and-coming country music singer Johnny “Slim” Wilkins saw his dreams of st...

Hard Digest September 6: Early Access Bad Religion, Drunks, Check Engine Light, Attachment Styles, and More

Bad Religion’s New Album Slams Inefficiencies of the Medicare System

By Jose Balderas 

LOS ANGELES — Long-time fans of the seminal melodic hardcore punk band Bad Religion were surprised by...

Hard Digest September 5: Early Access Trump, Grandmas, Moon Shoes, and More

Trump Campaign Powerless Against Group of Teenage Girls Saying “Ew”

By Sean Fallon | September 6, 2024

PALM BEACH, Fla. – Sources within the Trump campaign reported that the former preside...

MVP: Tears For Fears "Head Over Heels"

Today on the podcast we take a trip to our local library to harass the hardworking librarian with a gun, we also break down the video for "Head Over Heels" by Tears For Fears. So settle in, think about Donnie Darko and enjoy the show.

Watch the video here: https://youtu.be/CsHiG-43Fzg?si=HnByKpkkZ89K4129...

Hard Digest September 4: Tim Burton, Early Access Acid, Bill and Ted, Math Rock, and More

Hot Topic Immediately Opens New Location Next To Tim Burton’s Star on Hollywood Walk of Fame

By James Knapp 

LOS ANGELES — A brand new Hot Topic franchise opened for business on Hollywood Bo...

Hard Digest September 3: Early Access Scene Elders, Weed, Hiking, and More

Scene Elder Passes Down Oral History of Who Hates Who and Why

By Tim Graham 

CHULA VISTA, Calif. — The patriarch of the local scene assembled the area’s young punks to hear an oral history of ...

Hard Digest September 2: Early Access WWE, Dental Surgery, Fruitopia, and More

Millennial’s Alcoholism Traced Back to Prolonged Exposure to Attitude-Era WWE as a Child

By Chris Bowen

PHILADELPHIA — Local 36-year-old Dennis Waller’s out-of-control alcohol problem can evident...

Hard Digest September 1: Early Access Mercyful Fate, Jobs, Arms Dealers, and More

Guy Wearing Mercyful Fate Shirt Inside 200-Year-Old Church Kind of Disappointed He Didn’t Burst into Flames Upon Entering

By Chris Bowen 

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — Local heavy metal fan Eric Tullman...

Hard Digest August 31: Early Access Guitar Center, Insane Clown Posse, Truck Repair, Band Name, and More

Man Unsure If He’s Listening to Grateful Dead Live Recording or Just In a Guitar Center on a Saturday Afternoon

By John Danek

BURLINGTON, Vt. — Local extremely confused man Kirk Unger struggled...

Hard Digest August 30: Jack White, Early Access Alice Cooper, Family Values, Astronauts, Muppets, and More

Jack White Demands Trump Stop Using His Songs By Sending Campaign Cease and Desist Letter on 7”

By Ryan Dondero 

NASHVILLE, Tenn. — Jack White issued a strongly worded cease and desist lett...

Hard Digest August 29: Early Access Punk Shows, Billy Joel, Bird Watching, and More

So-Called Punk Show Still Features Organized Ticket Line and Thorough Safety Procedures

By Adam Frost-Venrick 

ATHENS, Ga. — Beloved local bar and music venue Whiskey Dick McGraw’s i...

New Episode of MVP: Korn "Freak On a Leash"

Nu metal is back and hotter than ever and this week Bill and Dan break down the classic music video for Korn's "Freak On A Leash" which definitively proves scatting saves lives.

Watch the video here then listen to the episode: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jRGrNDV2mKc

Hard Digest August 28: Early Access The Smashing Pumpkins, Cool Jazz, Drake, and More

Smashing Pumpkins Fan Furious Smashing Pumpkins Released a Good Album in 2024

By Dan Kozuh

CHICAGO — Longtime fans of The Smashing Pumpkins are reportedly shocked and infuriated that the band’s latest...

Hard Digest August 27: Oasis, Burning Man, Stop & Shop, Plus Early Access Posts

Negotiator Who Got Oasis Back Together Now Tasked With Much Easier Job of Convincing Israel to Agree to A Ceasefire

By Stephen Bell

LONDON – Negotiator Peter Franks decided to take on the much eas...

HUGE SALE STARTS TODAY!

Hello fine Patrons. Just wanted to let you know we are helping you prepare for the onslaught of seasonal depression by offering up a big sale in our store. Up to 30% off of all The Hard Times and Hard Drive products. Stock up now.

Hard Digest August 25: Early Access NPR, Toilet Paper, Climate Change, and More

Power-Mad NPR Announces Giant Desk Concerts

By Nathan Kamal 

WASHINGTON — National Public Radio, drunk on its own power over hordes of tea-drinking listeners, announced a new series of mandator...

Hard Digest August 25: Early Access Maynard James Keenan, Political Discourse, Partying, Deadpool, and More

Maynard James Keenan’s Winery Not Sure What to Do With Pallets of Unsold “Stinkfist Chardonnay”

By Matt Husser 

JEROME, Ariz. — Workers at Maynard James Keenan’s Caduceus Cellars were re...

Hard Digest August 23: Early Access Nardwuar, Forklifts, Banks, Facebook, and More

Nardwuar Ushered Out of Gentlemen’s Club for Addressing Dancers by Their Real Names

By Carson Kile

VANCOUVER, British Columbia — Legendary music journalist Nardwuar was gently but sternly escorted...

Hard Digest August 22: Tom Morello, Early Access Friendship, Charmin Bears, Lars Ulrich, and More

Exhausted Tom Morello Faxes in Protest of Chicago DNC

By Rob Ryder

CHICAGO — Guitarist and exhausted activist Tom Morello faxed in his protest of the Democratic National Convention report disappointed ...

MVP: Guns N' Roses "November Rain"

If you are anything like us you love the short stories of Del James, and thankfully this classic Guns N' Roses video for "November Rain" is based on one of his works, but you already knew that. We break it down anyway. Give it a listen.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8SbUC-UaAxE

Hard Digest August 21: Pumpkin Spice, Early Access Threads, Bill Maher, Hipsters, and More

“It’s Too Early for Pumpkin Spice!” Says Man with Fridge Full of Oktoberfest Beers

By Ben Friedman 

MINNEAPOLIS — Local man Greg Johannssen claims it’s too early in the year for Starbu...

Hard Digest August 20: Joe Biden, Donald Trump AI, Early Access Bounces, Old Phones, New Age Hippies, and More

Tearful Joe Biden Delivers Powerful Speech About How Thankful He Is to Have Funded a Genocide

By The Hard Times Staff 

CHICAGO — President Biden gave an emotional keynote address on the first n...

Hard Digest August 19: Dave Matthews, Early Access Carcass, SmarterChild, Child Stars, and More

DNC Officials on Edge After Dave Matthews Parks Tour Bus Blocks Away From Convention Venue

By The Hard Times Staff 

CHICAGO — Party officials running the Democratic National Convention in Chica...

Hard Digest August 18: Early Access Influencers, Renovations, Amish Villages, and More

Estranged Influencer Couple Agree to Stay Together For the Algorithm

By Tim Sheard 

CHARLESTON, S.C. — Estranged husband and wife lifestyle influencer couple known as “The Wilsons” announced ...

Hard Digest August 17: Price Gouging, Early Access The Decemberists, Potpourri, Palestine, Brat Summer, and More

Conservative Who Has Been Complaining About Grocery Prices Says Harris’ Price-Gouging Ban is Communism

By Colleen Nerney

WHEELING, W. Va. — Local conservative Jerry Wardmore repeatedly stated...

Hard Digest August 16: Early Access Burritos, Bill Maher, Tattoos, J.D. Vance, and More

Punk Foodie Can Tell Which Factory Gas Station Burrito Came From

By Tim Graham 

CLINTON, Mass. — Self-professed food connoisseur Noah Frawley boasts the unusual ability to determine the provenanc...

Hard Digest August 15: Early Access Concertgoers, Garbage Pail Kids, Ghosts, and More

Self-Conscious Concertgoer Really Needed to Hear Crowd He’s In Was Amazing Tonight

By Neel Bhakta 

MILWAUKEE — Local sad sack and frequent concert attendee Jorges Henderson recently had his s...

MVP: The Cranberries "Zombie"

If you wanted a fun romp of a music video then good news, this week we break down The Cranberries mega classic "Zombie." Listen, and maybe you will learn a little something.

Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Ejga4kJUts