DITW 11-11

Kimmy scrunched up her nose, trying to recall her own first sleepover. Sophie waited. “I don’t remember whose house it was, Soph. Maybe my friend Karina.” Then to Hyun, “You’ve met Karina, right?” Hyun called out from the kitchen that she had, and Kimmy said to Sophie, “Karina was my best friend when I was little. Yeah, it must have been Karina’s house.”

Sophie would spend her first night away from Hyun’s or from Meyer’s tonight; a big step in any little girl’s life. But at six, Sophie wasn’t too young, and she’d been shuffled from house to house since Hyun and Meyer divorced. Tomorrow was a P.D. day and Sophie was off school. Sophie planned to spend the day tomorrow at her friend Chloe’s house. Hyun said Chloe’s parents had an arcade and an indoor pool.

“You’re going to have a lot of fun at Chloe’s. You can play games, maybe stay up later and watch a movie...”

“Not too late,” Hyun said from the kitchen, “and only if Chloe’s parents say you can.”

Kimmy raised her eyebrows and made funny faces at Sophie until Sophie started laughing. They were sitting on the couch in Hyun’s family room, Hyun cleaning up in the kitchen after making bibimbap for dinner. Sophie was clean and dressed for her first night out, and Kimmy marvelled at her niece’s pure and perfect face. Happy, unblemished; faultless. She wanted to snatch up Sophie and squeeze her or maybe tickle her until she burst into terrorized giggles, but didn’t want to be selfish or weird, so she only tweaked Sophie’s earlobe. Sophie scooted closer, looking for affection, and Kimmy slipped her arms around her. Sophie turned, backing against Aunt Kimmy’s side and snuggling into her. Hyun turned the corner from the kitchen, coming to join them, and stopped in her tracks at the sight of her adorable daughter snuggled against her former sister-in-law. Kimmy kissed the top of Sophie’s head. Hyun shone with warm affinity, then asked Sophie if she was all packed and ready to go. “Mr. Wu’s going to be here in about five minutes.”

“I’m all packed, Mommy,” Sophie said.

Hyun crossed the room and sat on the couch beside Kimmy, Sophie in between them.

It was a strange and familial feeling that Kimmy didn’t know she’d needed until just the last few moments. The day had been surreal and staggering, and there was nowhere else for her to find comfort after a day like this one. She said, “Maybe you’ll take me with you to your sleepover.” Sophie giggled and looked at Hyun as if it were a possibility. Kimmy said, “No, it’s your night tonight, Sophie. But the three of us will have to make a plan for a night of fun sometime soon.”

Hyun agreed, and Sophie did, too, reciting now a hopeful ream of possible activities the three of them could do on this imaginary night sometime in the near future. Hyun was a good mother. An admirable one. Though she didn’t make much money and lived in this small apartment, Sophie always presented herself well. Sophie had wonderful manners, an intellectual curiosity, and a sweet disposition. But most of all, Sophie was this shimmering beacon of possibility; a human being with potential, nurtured and nourished with love and duty. And, while a distinct individual with her own genetic programming, Sophie was a reflection of her mother’s spiritual intent, like an emissary set forth to do good in the world in her mother’s name. The thought brought a heavenly and golden weight onto her heart; but that added burden pushed discomfort low in her chest, where that light couldn’t shine bright enough to make a difference.

Hyun’s phone chimed with an incoming text, and she tilted the screen to read it. “Mr. Wu’s here now, Sophie,” she sang. “We’ll go down and meet him.”

#

At first she’d thought to stay in the apartment while Hyun and Soph went down to the lobby for the official handover, but then changed her mind and went along. Better to be vigilant and scrutinizing than trusting. Mr. Wu was a Hong Kong hotshot with sunglasses and a spotless Mercedes GLS in diamond white. As the three women emerged from the lobby into the early evening sunlight, Mr. Wu’s demeanor changed, and now he looked like a family man, showing an honest smile at Sophie waving to him. Sophie trotted to him in greeting and he cupped a hand on her head—then performed a double take, averting his smoky-lens gaze to Kimmy. The smile faltered, but not toward unhappiness; near more to incomprehension. It gave her a funny feeling. Like maybe Mr. Wu had suspicions of the young and attractive Hyun’s sexual preferences now that she was divorced. And Kimmy was a confirmation to the man. He removed his sunglasses and nodded in greeting, mouthing a silent hello. Hyun looked aside at Kimmy and said to Mr. Wu, “Oh, this is my sister-in-law,” muttering in sheepish correction, “Former sister-in-law.”

Sophie clarified: “She’s my Aunt Kimmy, and she wants to come over tonight with me and Chloe.”

All the adults shared polite chuckles, and Mr. Wu patted Sophie’s head again. Kimmy said, “Hyun and I are good friends.”

Mr. Wu’s eyes appraised her, eyes going up and down, nodding. She’d changed after coming home from work, out of her suit and into peg slacks and a light sweater and canvas slip-ons. He said, “I’m on my way home from work, but April said Chloe’s dying for Sophie to get there—she’s been talking non-stop since she got hoe from school.” Then, as a better explanation, said in a lower tone, more conspiratorial: “We just got an ice cream maker, and Chloe’s been waiting for this weekend to show you.”

Sophie already knew all about the ice cream maker and had even told Kimmy. Hyun stooped down and spoke to Sophie, reminding Sophie of all the rules and of being obedient and respecting Mr. and Mrs. Wu, all in front of Mr. Wu, like some sort of protocol so all parties engaged could rely on the other for understanding the rules. Then Mr. Wu put Sophie into the car seat, made sure she was safe, then waved as he got into his SUV. Kimmy and Hyun stayed to watch Sophie go, Sophie making happy faces and waving at them from the back seat as Mr. Wu drove out to the road from the apartment complex.

Hyun said, “They just live over in Riverside, not too far.”

“Nice of him to pick Sophie up.”

“They’re a really great couple.”

“Just the one daughter?”

Hyun nodded, then they stood around for a moment, enjoying the still and warm night, the smells of autumn coming in on them, summer fading away from the landscape. Hyun said, “Where do you want to go tonight?”

Kimmy sighed. “I was kind of hoping we could stay in and talk.”

#

Kimmy waved off a glass of wine and chose a strawberry Bubly instead. She watched Hyun take a few sips of wine, waiting for her to figure Kimmy’s abstinence out. And she did.

The two of them alone in the apartment now, both of them on the couch with the room getting dimmer as the sun set. Hyun’s brow lowered, and she set her wine glass down on the coffee table, then looked plainly at Kimmy without saying anything. Kimmy said nothing either, only raised her eyebrows.

Hyun said, “Are you . . .?”

Kimmy nodded, her mouth a slim line. “I am.”

Hyun covered her smile, trying to contain the abounding enthusiasm until all was confirmed as good. Kimmy chuckled and rubbed her brow, leaning her head to one side. “I went to the doctor today. And, uh, yeah. Yes.”

Hyun made a small, quiet exclamation of happiness, looking up to the ceiling, then facing Kimmy again. “Are you serious? How far along?”

Kimmy squinted, and despite the weight of the news, even smiled. “Maybe eleven weeks. Ten maybe.”

Hyun’s features went through a range of emotions as she sought the right way to react and the right thing to say. The miscarriage in the spring put wrinkles in what should be a smooth event. Voice very quiet, she said, “You must be so happy.”

Still smiling, she shrugged. “I’m not sure how I feel yet. It’s pretty sudden news. I did a home test on Monday and went to the doctor today.”

Hyun frowned. “You guys weren’t trying?”

She said, “I was on birth control.”

Hyun’s frown deepened. “What? Then how...”

“Oh, I only started the birth control ten weeks ago.”

“Oh, okay. You started because...”

She took a drink of the strawberry sparkling water Hyun had poured into a glass with ice for her. The answer didn’t come easy to her. Everything since the spring had been this weird blur. Lawyer, pregnant, not pregnant, not a lawyer, depressed, hormonal. Wanted to try again; didn’t want to try again. Lawyer again. Lawyer in a way she hadn’t even dreamed of since law school. She closed her eyes and shook her head, lamenting, “I think my hormones are crazy.”

Hyun chuckled, constraining a smile that wanted to grow bigger—but she still didn’t have the confirmation this was good news yet. And it was good news. She wanted it to be. Knew it was, but still...

Hyun said, “Ten weeks is a tough time. Sometimes it got so bad I thought I was going crazy. That’s how I found out I was pregnant with Sophie.”

At the mention of Sophie’s name she put her hand on Hyun’s knee and smiled enough Hyun felt comfortable about the news. They shared a long moment, saying nothing, Hyun with her hand over Kimmy’s, both of them smiling and staring off.

Kimmy retracted her hand, but brought Hyun’s along with it, pivoting in the seat to face Hyun, bringing a folded leg up onto the couch and resting their joined hands on her calf. Hyun stared at her, waiting. She said, “I had a lot of fun that night we did karaoke.”

“I did, too.”

“And I really like spending time with you.”

Hyun smiled. “Me, too.”

Kimmy averted her eyes, looking down, unsure how to say this—or if she even should. “I feel like that night you wanted to say something more.”

Hyun put on a manufactured look of incomprehension, furrowing her brow, and pursing her lips. “Like what?”

The look on Hyun’s face bruised her heart, and she lost the nerve to bring up what she’d expected. Hyun was too clean and innocent to tarnish. Even though at one moment she’d considered doing just that. She’d considered leveraging Hyun against Josh. There was no denying she’d played with the idea. And more. She’d even considered bringing Hyun into a threesome with Devlin. How the fuck had such a nefarious scheme bloomed in her mind?

She stroked her palm on the back of Hyun’s hand. “I don’t know what I’m talking about. I just mean... I like your friendship. Value it. I like being close with you. And when...” She sighed and wanted to stop.

Hyun urged her with, “Go on.”

“When you slept over... I liked being close with you. I want... I need a friend right now.” She rolled her eyes up and then chuckled at how this had her so flummoxed. She’d known she would broach the subject and in her mind, it seemed a straightforward thing to do. She wanted Hyun’s affection but didn’t want to injure Hyun’s relationship with her; didn’t want to lead her on. “Would you . . . hug me?”

Hyun looked at her like she was crazy, then folded her into an embrace. It felt so good to be in Hyun’s arms, to feel cherished or appreciated; and with no male obligation. They both chuckled, and Hyun held her tighter.

When Kimmy pulled back, she had to wipe wet from her eyes. Hyun reached to a side table and plucked a tissue from a cardboard box. Kimmy thanked her, sniffling and wiping. Hyun studied her, trying to understand what was going on. Kimmy crumpled the tissue and held it in a loose fist on her lap, working her mouth around, slumping into the couch. She put a hand over her flat belly. “The doctor said I’m ten weeks along, give or take. If it’s eleven weeks, I’m happy. If it’s ten weeks, I’m happy.” She wanted to face Hyun, but couldn’t. “But if it’s nine weeks . . . it could be from another man.”