DITW 11-17: Untitled

The thing in the shopping bag disgusted her. It represented the worst she offered, and Josh catching her with it put her shame into sharp focus. The only way for her to react to getting caught was to shovel it all back on him. He’d even asked her what was in the bag. Why would she have such a thing? The answer to that was terrible. But what was worse was the reason she had it now and was brining it with her back to Hyun’s apartment. The urge to discard it burned like a fever. Her stomach churned and roiled in the long and agonizing elevator ride back up to Hyun’s floor, and when she emerged in the hallway, she searched for the garbage chute, thinking she would drop the venereal thing down into the pits of the building’s waste management level. But flashes of potential discovery dissuaded her, standing by the stainless steel chute drawer in the carpeted quiet of the hall. Someone discovering it. An older woman with time on her hands to launch a campaign to track down who’d tossed such a totem of sin to where a child could discover it. Cameras everywhere these days, and then they shame Hyun out of the building for permitting such a degenerate acquaintance to disgrace their hallowed real estate.

Fucking Josh.

Fucking Josh was on to her. He didn’t know what she planned but knew he couldn’t trust her. It hurt that he couldn’t, but then again, he shouldn’t. Though she meant him no harm and she wanted only good things for him, there were tasks to complete before she could restore them to some sense of reclaimed unity. If he persisted moth-flitting around the lamp light of her sex, he would get burned. And she didn’t want that. She wanted him whole and happy. She wanted them repaired.

So with the forbidden thing wrapped and tucked under an arm, she resumed her return to Hyun’s apartment, nausea rising to tickle the back of her throat. Josh had scared her. She would never have thought he’d camp outside Hyun’s. What if he’d seen through the window and Hyun and her had been kissing, standing up where he could see them? That would be devastating. To her, and for him. Especially since such a debacle wouldn’t have been curated for him by her; it would be real and raw and terrifying. The whole elevator ride up, her subliminal mind replayed the evening, trying to recall if she and Hyun had shared any intimacy where they could have been seen.

She let herself back into Hyun’s apartment, looking to get rid of the thing in the bag, but still not finding a place. She almost placed it at the door with her shoes, but then imagined Sophie coming home early and...

That terrifying thought sickened her and raced her heart. And put her depravity into further hyper-focus.

This thing with Hyun was too much. More than she’d anticipated. All she’d wanted to accomplish was an alternate-theory stratagem, something that would muddy the waters should this whole thing blow up in her face before she could defuse it, but somehow it had grown by leaps and bounds, and she’d actually gone downstairs to retrieve a sex toy to use with Hyun. How vile.

Yet, she re-entered Hyun’s bedroom with it under her arm because there was no where else to stow it before she left in the morning. Hyun had turned the television and the table lamp off and the room was dark but for the silvery-blue moonlight coming into the small room from the window by the bed. Hyun shifted under the sheets, but she couldn’t see her shape or her face. She walked with careful steps, waiting for her eyes to adjust to the dark, making her way to the dresser and resting her sex toy on the top, pushing it back as far as it would go in the hopes something of Hyun’s would fall over it and Hyun wouldn’t notice the thing in the bag when the sun was coming up. Hyun was silent and so was she. When she’d left, she uttered the sly command for Hyun to remove her pants while she was gone, but now all that sexual adventure and excitement had faded. She returned to the bedside from where she’d departed and removed her clothes, getting all the way naked again and slipping under the covers. Hyun’s arm went around her, and while human touch right now should annoy her with all these conflicting emotions racing through her head, Hyun’s touch brought comfort. She put a hand over hyun’s forearm and held her.

Hyun must have sensed a change, whispering now with a measure of concern, “Are you okay?”

And she had no answer prepared, nothing to counter with, and she said what was true. “Josh was out there.”

Hyun stiffened. “He was?”

“Yeah. Just sitting out there.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Watching me, I guess.”

“Did he say anything?”

“Yeah, we talked.”

“What did you tell him?”

“I didn’t tell him anything. I asked what he was doing here.”

Hyun thought about it for a while, scratching her cheek, then returning her hand to Kimmy’s arm. “Does he do that?”

“Follow me around and spy on me? No. I don’t think he does.”

“You’re not afraid of him?”

She chuckled and dragged her nails on Hyun’s forearm. “No, sweetheart, it’s not like that. It’s not like that at all. I’m not afraid of Josh.”

“Are you mad at him?”

“I don’t know how I feel. Mad, flattered, annoyed, alarmed . . . I don’t know what feels right.”

Hyun’s arm snaked away and she backed out of the bed, grabbing a bundle of clothes to hold against her naked body as she moved to the window.

Kimmy said, “Don’t turn on the light.”

“I’m not going to,” Hyun said, hiding in the shadows but eyes looking down into the parking lot.

“He’s gone home. I’m sure he’s gone home.”

“Where was he parked?”

Kimmy told her where Josh was parked, and Hyun said, “The spot’s empty now.”

“Come back to bed.”

Hyun complied, dragging out her departure from the window with wary downturned eyes before at last getting back into bed. Kimmy’s hands went right to Hyun’s thighs, stroking up and down. “You took your pants off.”

Hyun made an embarrassed sound and Kimmy let her go and snuggled against her. Hyun rubbed her shoulders, hands drifting to rub her collar then down her back. “Go flat, and let me rub your back for you.”

She rolled to her stomach, burying her face in Hyun’s pillow. It smelled like Hyun. She turned her face aside, looking away from Hyun, while Hyun began to knead the muscles below her neck and between her shoulders. Hyun’s hands were soft and delicate, but she was strong. The lid popped on what must have been the massage oil bottle and then Hyun’s hand returned, gliding across her skin, working fingertips deeper into her knotted muscle.

Hyun said, “Your back really is tight. I’m not just saying that, it’s really, really tense.”

“I believe it,” she said and sighed, feeling a shimmer of regret at what she’d intended for Hyun. But soon her mind drifted to Josh, wondering what would bring him to park outside of Hyun’s. She grunted with some pleasure Hyun provoked, running pressed finger pads into her collar and lighting up her vision with sparkling release.

“I think he thought I was here with Devlin.”

“In my apartment?”

“He makes things up in his head. He likes to do that. He likes to create terrible scenarios and then imagine they’re real.”

“But sometimes they are real.”

Hyun’s astute assessment felt harassing. Yeah, sometimes it was real. Sometimes she told Josh right to his face the bad things she’d done, and he’d lapped it up, eager and horny and under her spell in a way that thrilled her in the most unexpected ways. She shook off the aggravation, and tried fessing up to see what Hyun would think. “I’ve tricked him before. I’ve played games with his mind and made him think his wildest fantasies were real. Josh is complicated and . . . dark.”

“That’s why he was outside?”

“Yeah. You’re right. I drew him here. He wanted to think I’m doing something that would drive him wild.”

Hyun’s hand slowed on her back, still kneading, still plying, but like her hand had lost its bluetooth connection with Hyun’s mind. And she knew what it was; could picture Hyun’s path of thinking. This thing with Hyun and her tonight was all for Josh’s benefit; this was a Josh and Kimmy game, and Hyun was only a game piece.

But she couldn’t defend herself, couldn’t blurt out some proclamation of honest attraction to Hyun. It wasn’t there, and the absence in face of Hyun’s suspicion made her feel hollow.

Hyun said, “I don’t want to be in the middle. I don’t want to be between you and Josh.”

Kimmy right-faced now, turning her other cheek to rest on Hyun’s pillow. “You’re not, Hyun. You’re not in the middle of anything. I don’t want you to think that. That’s not what this is.”

Hyun watched her own fingers draw designs on Kimmy’s back. “But what is it? What is this?”

“This is it. I love your affection. I love your company. You make me feel safe. All of that is true.” She watched Hyun’s eyes dart around as she processed what Kimmy said, tried to find whatever advantageous position from where she would license whatever she wanted to claim from or provide for Kimmy. When Hyun’s face never brightened with the expression of a woman who’d made a decision, she touched Hyun’s cheek and cupped her jaw. “You’re not part of this thing with Josh, Hyun. You’re my friend. You’ve been my friend for a long time. You know that.”

Hyun nodded, her eyes still turned down, hand rested on Kimmy’s back, sticky with the oil.

“What can I do for you, Hyun? I want you to be happy. I want you to feel as safe with me as I feel when I’m with you.”

Hyun’s eyes moved with an inexorable slowness, and Kimmy waited for their gazes to meet. And when they did, the hand on Hyun’s neck slipped around to grab the back of her neck and guide her closer, bringing her mouth to Kimmy’s. Kimmy kissed her again, not with lusty passion, but with sensual slowness. Hyun’s soft lips were stiff at first but soon melted into hers. She broke the kiss off and let Hyun go, laying with her hair and admiring her porcelain skin.

“You make me feel safe,” she said, in a tone of reverence, as though the safety Kimmy provided couldn’t be described so easily. “You’re so strong. You’re courageous. I admire you so much.”

“I admire you too, Hyun. Everything you’ve built for your life, that amazing girl you’re raising.”

“I wish I was as strong as you were. I wish I had your confidence.”

“You’re perfect the way you are.”

Hyun snuffled a small laugh at that, and her eyes showed she liked the compliment.

“Not everyone can be strong. Soft and caring draws strength closer to it. I’m drawn to you for those parts of me I wished were closer to the surface, just like you. You’re drawn to me because you admire what I have you feel is missing in you.”

Now Hyun smiled, rubbing her own cheek against Kimmy’s palm, and Kimmy thumbed the soft skin under Hyun’s big brown eyes.

“I love that you want my strength. I want you to have it. I’d be strong for you when you wanted.”

Hyun’s head rolled, her cheek under Kimmy’s palm, then she was coming close again, looking to kiss her. Kimmy arched her neck and allowed their mouths to connect. Hyun moaned a soft sound that thrilled her, and she raised over kimmy, climbing over her under the covers, the covers sliding down her back and leaving them both topless. Her soft black hair swished on her skin like silk. It was passion like she’d never experienced. Hyun had no hard male angles, no tough skin, no coarse body hair. She was supple and loving and slow and the experience bloomed before her in a way she hadn’t expected. Hyun took the lead, sitting over her hips with her legs tucked underneath her, cupping Kimmy’s jaw and kissing her mouth. Kissing lower. Kissing her neck. Her heart raced at this unfamiliar sensuality, her thoughts careening to make sense of whether she liked it or not. The pleasure was simple to accept. The enormity of the act was something else.

Hyun’s kisses traveled her collar now, and Hyun shifted lower, her hips waggling lower, her fuzzy pubic thatch dragging a feathery line between Kimmy’s hipbones while Kimmy stared up at the ceiling.