DITW 12-1: Respite

Things looked to be moving fast for Meyer. Arranged around Meyer’s sink basin were toiletry items not intended for a thirty year old man, nor for that man’s six year old daughter. A pink razor. Sophie wasn’t shaving yet, surely. Lady Speedstick, an adult size toothbrush in pink. A well-traveled L’Oréal giveaway toiletry bag that looked older than Sophie. Josh washed his face and brushed his teeth, then zipped up his toiletries inside his own well-traveled kit. Everything surrounding him existed in a foreign juxtaposition, and, though he’d had no way of knowing ahead of time, the decision to crash Meyer’s place was a clear mistake. Last night it had seemed like his only option.

Now showered and dressed for work, he emerged to join Meyer in the kitchen, a man out of place. When he’d arrived last night, bag in hand, he hadn’t expected Meyer to have a lady visitor. He totally forgot his cousin was a man out of place as well, and a man who wanted to situate himself in something that had meaning. Meyer intended to find meaning with Quinn, Samara’s friend who’d come along into their lives by chance, and Meyer had seized the opportunity the way a bold man would do. He’d like to commend his cousin, yet Quinn’s presence had him mute. He wasn’t able to discuss anything last night, could barely even insinuate why he might have shown up unannounced on Myer’s doorstep in the middle of the night. He’d demurred, tried to back out of staying, but neither Quinn or Meyer would hear of it, probably reading the toil and pain on his face and realizing he looked like a man who shouldn’t be alone on a night like this. There was no need to say to them it was marital trouble. What else would it be? And the worst thing: as he sequestered himself away from Quinn and Meyer, letting them get back to their apparent Netflix-and-Chill session, he’d lain in Sophie’s bed and let his mind wander. Quinn had been at the Dragon that day Devlin had showed up to gift Kimmy a trip to Cayman. It had been so obvious to all but him. Quinn must have taken one look at Kimmy’s tall and handsome and rich boss and known right away Kimmy was fucking him. It sickened his stomach. Devlin fucked women like Kimmy. He didn’t drop by and give them gifts in front of their husbands because he was a nice guy. He wanted Josh and all of Josh’s friends to know he was giving Kimmy the big dick when Josh had his back turned. He’d been a fool all this time. He’d told himself over and over how Kimmy wouldn’t do that, how it was Devlin’s manipulations making him think that way, how there was a dark half he had that was aroused by the sick thrill of his wife’s infidelity, and his wife had learned to tease it. If he’d just stepped back and looked. Really looked. If he’d got drunk with a woman like Quinn, he bet she would have given it to him straight right then and there: Dude, that fucking guy that came here?—he’s definitely banging your wife.

He heard the hushed tones of two people talking and not wanting to be overheard, and it amplified his humiliation. Meyer knew it now too. A woman like Quinn would positively put it straight with his cousin who loved Kimmy and had remained dubious this whole while. Meyer would have told Quinn how Josh had asked him to watch Timmy when he was in Rome. His heart sank into his stomach when they abruptly ceased their quiet chatter when they heard him coming. It felt like a mouse had died behind his drywall and and began to rot and fester now in the pit of his stomach.

“There he is,” Meyer said as Josh joined them in the kitchen. “How’d you sleep last night, buddy?” Meyer’s pandering sympathy showed how Quinn had convinced him last night of the trouble Josh found himself in. His cousin hadn’t believed Josh, but he believed Quinn.

He plastered a happy facade on his face. “Great. That’s an awesome bed. Sophie must get lost in it.”

“She’ll grow into it, cuz. Grab a glass, I’ll pour you an OJ.”

Quinn said, “There’s coffee. Let me grab you a cup. How do you take it?”

“Don’t fuss over me guys, I’ll just grab something on my way into the office.”

“You should stay for breakfast,” Quinn said. She looked cute without her makeup, dressed in PJ shorts and a big sweatshirt.

“I really want to get out of your guys’ hair.”

“Don’t be crazy, man. Fuckin’ come back here tonight if you want. We’ll stay up and Xbox, order a pizza. Seriously.”

Josh ruffled his hair. “I don’t know what I’m going to do yet.”

“You’re welcome here anytime, buddy.”

“Thanks, Meyer. Thanks. What time are you going to work?”

“I’m off today,” Meyer said.

Quinn said, “I’m not on shift till three.”

Josh nodded, tucking his mouth to one side. He’d really wrecked their fun by showing up last night. They should still be having sex right now. “What hospital are you at? Here in Ajax?”

“Yeah. Lakeridge.”

More nodding, more not knowing what to say, more wanting to get the hell out of here. When he’d received the text response from Devlin indicating Devlin and Kimmy were together last night, it was like someone had snatched the veil from his vision. Everything clarified at once. And what he saw shocked the shit out of him. What Kimmy had done to him last night, discovering him parked outside Hyun’s apartment, taunting and belittling him, was mean and dominant. It was bullying. She scared him so much that Devlin had become the lesser of two evils. But Devlin’s quick response showed him something. Devlin lived to torment him. Devlin sucked the life from him. And so did Kimmy. The two were one. He could trust each of them the same. His wife was his bully now. And Kimmy bullied him, telling him he wanted the bullying. That he asked for it. And he couldn’t deny that in some manner he had asked for it. So he had to question himself: Do you want this? If you want this, what way do you want it?

“Okay,” he said at last with a sigh. “I’m going to hit the road.”

“You’re coming back here tonight,” Meyer said.

“Oh, I don’t know yet.”

Meyer came closer, moving around Quinn, seated on a stool. “No, Josh, I’m telling you you’re coming here tonight. I want to talk to you.”

His feet were stuck to the floor. That sudden surrender he’d suffered last night, the one that brought him to his cousin’s door, had turned a page in the sexual melodrama Devlin had turned his life into. There was no escaping the truth anymore. No more lies to tell, even the ones he told himself. “Thanks, guys, thanks for taking me in.”

Quinn said, “Any time, Josh.”

His eyes swelled. Swelled with the support he felt. For the first time since this horror had begin, someone else besides Kimmy was enjoined. It made him feel further apart from her. For so long she was his lifeline in this stormy seas. But his eyes swelled with more than just the compassion he felt from his cousin and his cousin’s new girlfriend. It was guilt. Guilt and shame. Guilt and shame in the face of family. He’d done wrong. He’d done much wrong. He’d done wrong even last night with Devlin. Meyer and Quinn made him feel like the choices he made didn’t need to be so dark. Didn’t need to be so dire. But, no. It was too late for that. Too late to be saved. He was sunk deep in this hurting mire. Gone headfirst down a deep and narrowing spiral. There was no turning back. There was only one direction he could go. The time for help was long gone.

“Okay,” he said. “I’ll bring pizza. Pizza for three?”

“I’m at work,” Quinn said.

“She just had the sitter for one night.”

“Oh, man,” Josh groaned. “I’m so sorry, guys.”

Quinn lightly swatted Meyer’s shoulder. “Why would you say that? . . . Josh, it’s totally fine. Family comes first, and I can get a sitter any time I want. I’m at work till eleven tonight. Harley’s with my sister. You guys have fun, catch up, eat your pizza. Talk. . . . For what it’s worth, your wife is so nice. And she’s, like, so beautiful.”

“Thanks, Quinn. I think she is, too.” Then: “Who says this has anything to do with her?” He showed a feeble smile, and Quinn showed him a glum one in return.

Meyer said, “Let me walk you out, Joshy boy,” and took him by the arm. When Josh moved to retrieve his overnight bag, Meyer stopped him. “Leave it here. Pick it up tonight.”

In the hall, Meyer closed the door behind him with a quiet click. He turned and said, “So this is pretty bad, huh?”

Josh nodded. “It’s workable. We’re not fighting. I just needed a place to be alone, you know? I need some time to think.”

“You said that. Look, I know you’ve been under a lot of stress and maybe I wasn’t the most supportive—”

“Don’t worry about it, buddy.” He clapped his hand on Meyer’s shoulder. “I don’t even know if this is a real thing I’m mad about here.”

Meyer shook his head and scowled, unimpressed. “You’re more full of shit than I am.”

“And you’re pretty full of shit.”

Meyer stroked a hand over his hair. “Ah, fuck. This is a shame, but you’re going to get through it. Don’t worry, okay?”

Josh massaged Meyer’s shoulder, saying nothing in return.

It was good to see Meyer and Quinn and how happy they were. Or at least how hopeful they seemed, each looking for promise in the other. There was a time Meyer and Hyun had been tight as twine. But that hadn’t worked out. It seemed so plain to move on, to leave your woes behind and forge a new path with a fresh face. But that seemed also like mere temptation. A lure. An escape. And it also seemed so scary. Scarier than Kimmy’s bullying. Too easy. Too ignoble. Surrender. Defeat. Second place.

Meyer said, “I’ll help you get through this.”

Josh smiled, looking for some platitude to ease his cousin’s worry. Said instead a non-sequitur that had been sitting on his park bench waiting to speak. “Do you know anyone who has hired a private detective? I mean, for real. Do people do that, are there detectives you can call?”

Meyer didn’t laugh, only eyed him in return. He said, “Quinn’s brother does it. For an insurance company.” He thumbed over his shoulder. “You want me to ask her?”

Josh shook his head. “I was only kind of kidding.”

Meyer looked more pained than he had before. Like Josh was acting crazy or something.

Josh squeezed his shoulder one more time. “I am kidding. I’m not hiring a detective. And I didn’t mean for Kimmy anyway.”

Now Meyer looked pained and puzzled.

Josh laughed and said, “I’ll bring pizza tonight.”

* * *

His phone dinged in the elevator and he knew it would be Kimmy, wanting to know if he was okay, wanting to know why the hell he wasn’t home when she came home. Because I’m not going to lay in bed with a hard-on waiting for you to come home and do something with it. Because you might or you might not. You might tell me something that sends me to the heavens. But you might say something that casts me to hell, too.

Most of all he was tired of his demons binding him in impossible chains.

His heart thudded when he checked his phone. The text wasn’t from Kimmy. It was from Devlin.

Devlin: have you asked her yet?

Josh responded.

Josh: Fuck off