DITW 15-3: Chargogagogmanchogagogcharbunagunggamog

The benzo sank in and removed his dread on the Unionville Main Street. The Qashqai’s nav screen showed a right turn was imminent.

Fucking Unionville. That’s where she bought a house. Quaint, historical; ancient trees with the yellowed fall leaves. White picket fences, brick Victorian houses, lawns, porches. Like a fuckin’ Lifetime movie set. Unreal. He drove north on Main from 7, leaves fluttering, flashing their bright color on a sunny October day. So many times he and Kimmy had come here to eat lunch, back when they were young, happy, and in love. It was their Gilmore Girls era, when they binged the show and realized Stars Hollow wasn’t really in Connecticut, it was a short drive from Ajax to the historic village in Unionville.

He turned right after passing the United church with it’s tall gray spire, heading down a side street off Main, a quiet cul-de-sac shy of the village. And then, there it was. Kimmy’s house. A farm-style with wraparound porch; a cute Victorian with bay windows and dove-colored siding, cedar shakes up on the gables, the whole plot buffered with yellow maple canopy, gardens, and fat, billowy shrubs only beginning to go bare for the winter.

Two million dollars, easy. More. Ten grand a year in property taxes. One of the nicest main streets in all of the Toronto region. Maybe all of Ontario. The best of schools, the best of restaurants and activities and cafes and little shops. Beautiful. Heart-sinkingly beautiful. If she hadn’t fucked Devlin, if she hadn’t bought those ridiculous clothes and the shoes and that suit for him, if, if, if... This house was better than anything they’d dreamed of.

But then, there was the man in the photo.

A young guy in black pants and white shirt was closing up a Sprinter van in the driveway, the catering company packed up and ready to go. Josh left room for the truck to head out before he drove into the driveway and took the spot. He wondered if Meyer had enjoyed the food. Since he’d set his phone to Airplane, he wouldn’t know. He didn’t want Meyer in his head before he began the hardest moment of his life. Meyer could say the wrong thing and he might take off out of here so fast he’d leave black streaks on Kimmy’s driveway.

It had been too long. Way too long. There was a baby involved and that baby just might be his.

With that, he grabbed the little gift bag from his passenger seat and stretched a leg out of the car. Rose then to stand, but hated the colorful gift bag. He removed the gifts and tucked them inside his motocross jacket instead.

The front door seemed a mile away.

  *

Thank god it was Sophie who answered the door.

“Hey, kid. Long time no see.”

“Uncle Josh!” Sophie grabbed his hand. “Come and see my room.” He wasn’t even in the foyer yet and Sophie was amped. He felt a sick jealousy that it was Kimmy who’d provided her with a living space so exciting she acted this way. Usually the little girl was a little more reserved.

“Did you eat all the desserts or something?” he joked, stumbling into the foyer. A vacuum ran somewhere deeper inside the house.

And what a house.

“Wow,” he whispered, mouth tucked in a glum line. The place was sleek despite the historical aspect; minimalist, maple flooring, ochre-painted walls, modern furniture.

“You have to take your boots off, Uncle Josh,” Sophie instructed him, showing him by pointing to an assembly of fine footwear along the wall. Sophie was all dressed up for today’s event. Someone had done her hair up in a pretty style, cute little pigtails. She wore a black dress and white socks and black slippers.

As he leaned on the wall and toed off his boots, Sophie poked him in his fat stomach. “What’s in there?”

Not a fat stomach, it was the gifts he’d brought. He told her, “Gifts, Sophie.”

“For me?”

“I get you gifts all the time,” he said and booped her nose.

“Okay,” she said, grabbing his hand again now that his boots were off. “Come and see my room.”

A far too familiar voice from a side room adjoining the hall beyond the foyer: “Give him a minute, Sophie.” Kimmy Chang, calm and assured; instructive.

Josh looked to the left and saw her. The sight was like a jab in the stomach.

Kimmy stood in the center of a home office; tall and impossibly thin; glamorous yet subdued. Fucking beautiful face with those dark, sly eyes, her hair pulled back. She dressed all in black; black skirt, black turtleneck, long thin legs clad in black leggings.

They stared but didn’t speak. Neither showed an expression.

Kimmy said to Sophie, “Let him sit. After we’re done you can take him to show him your room.”

“Okay,” Sophie said, slump-shouldered and dispirited. But there was another little girl her Uncle Josh was here to see today.

“I can’t wait to see your room,” Josh said, placing a hand on Sophie’s tiny shoulder.

God, she was such a good little girl; all Meyer’s, a human his stupid-ass cousin could live his life for.

Sophie showed him a goofy grin and then she was trotting off deeper into the house, headed toward wherever the vacuum was working.

Then there were two.

And he wished the vacuum would shut the fuck up.

Kimmy crossed her arms over her slender chest, and for the first time ever he felt robbed of seeing her carrying a child; seeing her long frame host another being planted deep inside her, her belly expanding into a taut melon ready to crack its rind as it ripened. When she’d lost their baby in the spring she’d had the smallest paunch. He longed for those days of harrowing failure when everything was so simple because there were only the two of them. Maybe a deep-planted seed had better opportunity to grow.

He stopped the dread. His hands sweated, turned to fists, and his teeth squeaked as he clenched his jaw against betrayal and hurt and the sharpest knife anyone had sunk into him.

Kimmy raised her chin, eyeing him. “I’m so happy you came, Josh.”

He nodded, looked around, not knowing what to do with himself. It would be so fucking easy to toss his gifts for this baby that was supposed to be his onto the desk with the computer, then skedaddle the fuck out of here, get the fuck out of hoity-toity Unionville, blast home and get into sweatpants, play some Xbox with Meyer and order a pizza. Just check the fuck out.

He sighed like a man enduring a hardship. “How was your housewarming?”

Kimmy nodded, appraising her afternoon. “It was good. Thank you.”

“All your renos done on time?”

Kimmy looked around the room, shrugging. “It went well, Josh. And, yes, we got everything done on time.”

“Sophie tells me what’s going on.”

Kimmy smiled and the sight hurt his heart. He didn’t show it. “I know she does.”

But now he stood silent, not wanting to compliment her on her new house, not wanting to give her any satisfaction for moving on so well without him.

Kimmy’s smile faded, and she assumed a more serious expression. “This is a big day.”

“I know,” he said. It had nothing to do with the house, it had everything to do with a tiny human who Kimmy hosted in her belly for a little over nine months. His hand slipped inside his leather jacket and pulled out his present. He waggled it for Kimmy.

The sight of the teddy bear made her smile and her eyes went glossy. She approached him and he fought the urge to run out of the house. She took the teddy bear and looked it over.

“Alpaca,” he said. “It’s made from alpaca fur. He’s wearing a, a charro outfit. A horse rider. I bought it in Baja.”

Kimmy held it to her chest, smiling, eyes looking sad and watery, tucking down her chin to clamp the big teddy bear to her. “It’s perfect, Josh,” she said.

He slipped a hand into his jacket and produced another item: a handmade maraca.

Kimmy took it, the beans shaking inside the shell and producing the familiar sound. Kimmy shook her head, trying to clear the sadness from her eyes. “Great, Josh,” she said, overwhelmed, passing them back to him. “You can give them to her yourself.”

And suddenly it got very hard to breathe. His knees jellied and the room wobbled. Kimmy passed the gifts back to him and he tucked them back into his jacket. Maybe eh wouldn’t even take the jacket off. Maybe he would just do this part and then leave. The knot bloomed in his throat again and he couldn’t swallow. No words came and all he could do was nod.

Kimmy frowned and held his upper arm. “Are you okay?”

His body seized and he was hyper-aware of her hand on him. “Fine,” he said, tight and hard, but it was better than muteness.

“I’m really glad you came,” she said and let her hand fall from his arm.

Josh pinched the bridge of his nose, muttering, “It’s like a dream. I feel... I feel like I’m dreaming.”

“Come to the kitchen. We can get you some water.”

He shook his head and took a deep breath, hating the dread and anxiety robbing him of masculinity in this powerful moment. 

“Come with me,” Kimmy said, walking past him, smiling kindly, still hugging herself, padding the hardwood hallway of her home in slipper-feet. The vacuum was off now, and when they entered the kitchen Hyun was there with Sophie. Sophie was sliding the vacuum into a broom closet, Hyun wore yellow rubber gloves, wiping down the counters. Her eyes dashed up to meet his.

And he recognized the look on hyun’s face. It was the expression he’d seen when he looked at his mirror reflection in a hotel room in Rome, wondering what the fuck was wrong with him. Dread, fear, worry. He was no threat to Hyun. Unless...

He and Meyer had joked together late at night playing video games having a few brewskis, saying how Kimmy and Hyun made a good couple. They would keep a good house, they’d joke. Meyer would never say it outright but would always insinuate that Hyun had a crush on Kimmy. They would laugh at their own predicament, saying those two women of ours running an efficient household and here’s you and me—and then they would snicker about the state of their apartment with the beer cans and the pizza boxes and the game controllers and remote controls. But now it was really happening.

And here was the deadbeat dad, come to be the hero; Hyun was the one who stayed with Colleen during the day when Kimmy went to work. In Hyun’s eyes the once valorous young man married to Kimmy had been reduced to a bum. And maybe a threat.

He nodded in recognition, wanly smiling. “Hi, Hyun.”

Hyun smiled like all was well. “Hi, Josh. So glad you made it.”

Kimmy asked Hyun to get him a glass of water, but Sophie interjected. “I’ll get it!” All three watched Sophie get a glass from a cupboard using a chair, then going to the fridge’s water dispenser to fill it. She brought it around the island, saying, “Can I make Uncle Josh my ice cream for dessert?”

Kimmy smiled, watching Sophie, her face downturned, the long tendon in her neck standing out against her tawny skin. He knew what it felt like to kiss her there.

Hyun said, “She has an ice cream maker.”

Josh accepted the glass Sophie handed him, surprised now to feel the dread had eased. He smiled too, saying, “She’s told me all about the ice cream maker.”

Kimmy held Sophie against her side, rubbing her shoulder. “I’ve also told her a hundred times today she can make you ice cream.”

Sophie said, “Maple and coffee and walnut. All your favorites.”

Josh sipped the water, then drank half the glass all at once. He put the glass on the island counter. “I can’t wait, Sophie.”

Kimmy said, “Do you want something else? Something stronger? I think the caterer left some beer.” She looked to Hyun and Hyun made like she was ready to go check if Josh wished it.

“No,” he said, shaking his head, feeling guilty his wife thought he might want alcohol to get him through this monumental moment. “No, I don’t need beer.”

Kimmy looked around, no one else saying anything. “Okay. Come sit in the other room with me, Josh.”

She left Sophie, turned and headed out the other side of the kitchen, to a large family room at the back of the house that looked out over the small backyard. The lawn was mowed, the gardens clipped and trimmed; someone had bundled up the more vulnerable trees with burlap to protect them from the oncoming winter. 

Kimmy gestured to a spotless ivory leather couch and he sat down in the corner. Kimmy sat catty corner in a matching padded chair.

Josh’s heart pounded a hundred miles an hour. He rubbed his sweaty palms on his knees. “I should have come before.”

“It’s okay, Josh,” Kimmy said. “You should have. But you’re here now.”

He took a few breaths to steady himself, proud of the strength he conjured to endure this moment.

Kimmy said, “Do you think you’re ready?”

He nodded.

Kimmy reached over and held his hand. Her touch was warm and gentle and he felt his eyes swell with emotion. He looked down to regard their combined hands and noticed for the first time since he arrived that she wore her wedding ring. He thumbed it. Held her hand a little tighter.

Kimmy called out to Hyun over her shoulder. “Hyun, can you bring in Colleen?”