DITW 15-10: (Untitled)

They ate Sophie’s homemade ice cream in awkward silence. The sounds of spoons clanking on pottery were too loud. Josh sat in the same spot where he’d first met his daughter, Hyun sat on the other side of the table, and Sophie sat with Josh, peppering him with questions, while Josh asked her again how she made such good ice cream. And Sophie would answer with amusing insight, telling her uncle how it was all in the quality of the ingredients, that there were no additives in her ice cream, only real cream and real candied walnuts her mom let her buy at the grocery store and how she put in real maple syrup, not that flavored corn syrup. Josh was playful with Sophie, but still somber. She could practically feel in sympathy the hurting of his stomach, the uneasiness he felt being reunited with the woman he believed had caused him the greatest harm in life.

The urge to express herself whole and heartily was sedated by the history of her harm. She would come on too strong; she would spook him; she would say the wrong thing; fuck, she would try to seduce him into bed with lurid talk of another man, like she used to. 

But Josh had enjoyed those times. It wasn’t her imagination.

Once Josh finished Sophie’s ice cream she was convinced he would announce it was time for him to go home. She set her spoon down, unable to finish.

From the other room came the cries of a waking baby. Kimmy set her unfinished bowl on the table. Hyun moved like she would go, but Kimmy told her she would get her.

“She’s had a big day today. I thought she might sleep straight through.”

Hyun insisted. “Let me go. You sit with Josh.”

Kimmy said, “I think she might be hungry.” But Colleen wasn’t hungry. Just bored or restless. But if Hyun left her alone with Josh, Josh would take that opportunity to depart. He wouldn’t if she’d left the room; he would wait to see her again.

Wouldn’t he?

  *

Kimmy left to take care of Colleen, and Josh set his empty bowl of ice cream down on the table near Kimmy’s. He said, “I have to say, Sophie. That was one of the finest ice creams I’ve ever had.”

Sophie beamed, and Hyun said, “And Josh has been to Italy.”

He smiled and said, “So, I know what I’m talking about. You, Sophie, have a talent for frozen desserts.”

Sophie went through a series of deflections, bashful, saying her mom helped her and how the machine did most of the work, but Josh persisted. “Thank you, Sophie. I enjoyed it immensely.”

She shrugged one teeny shoulder. “I know you like maple walnut.”

“Thank you for thinking of me,” he whispered.

Hyun said, “We should get these bowls in the dishwasher, Sophie. And it’s almost your bedtime.”

Sophie looked to her mother, then back to him, her face frozen in a slack kind of worry. She said to him, “Are you going to stay over?”

He smiled, held her arm. “Another time, Sophie.”

Sophie seemed undeterred, asking her mother if she could get them drinks. A heartbreaking distraction from a little girl living a disjointed life.

Why don’t you stay, asshole? Your baby’s here. Your wife is here.

Hyun said, “I’ll have a green tea. Can you take the bowls and put them in the dishwasher, please?”

Sophie agreed and stacked the ice cream bowls on one another, all the spoons in the top bowl and then held them precariously at her waist, toddling out of the room. Hyun stayed seated.

Josh said, “She’s so grown up now. She can load the dishwasher?”

“She doesn’t do it at your place?”

“I guess we all just pitch in,” he said, leaning forward, clasping his hands together, feeling uncomfortable alone with Hyun.

“I think you should stay.”

Josh looked up and regarded Hyun. Hyun usually quiet and one to keep her opinion to herself. There was a certain disgruntlement evident in her gaze. Like maybe she didn’t like Josh as much as she used to. And why the hell would she? Hyun sat in his place. Hyun had been with Kimmy when she gave birth. Hyun witnessed his disregard for Kimmy and his own baby, but without the knowledge of why.

“You do?”

“If you don’t want to be here, you should go. But you’re here. You’re here for a reason, right?”

“Of course, I—”

“There’s nothing for you at Meyer’s.”

Josh closed his mouth. “I know.”

“There’s everything for you here.” Hyun checked over her shoulder before speaking again, as if wary of Sophie returning with green tea. “You’ve been gone too long.”

Josh rubbed his face and took a deep breath. He steadied his gaze on Hyun. “And how about you? How would you feel about that?”

“If you stayed over? Why would I care?” She stared at his steadily but her jaw muscles rippled as she clenched her teeth.

He thumbed over his shoulder, out the window behind him to the carriage house. “And what if I stayed here for good—stayed out in the apartment?”

Hyun looked away, troubled, pursing her lips. “What if she didn’t care about you?”

“What do you mean?”

“What if she didn’t want you here? How would you feel?”

“Not good.”

Hyun looked his way again. “What if Kimmy moved on without you?”

“It’s like she has.”

“It’s not like that at all. . . . Imagine a time where she stops trying so hard to win you back. I don’t think you would like that. I don’t think you’re willing to watch her move on without you. You just like punishing her.

“You think that’s what I’m doing?”

“What other purpose does it serve? I don’t see any reason a man would act like you are.”

“Maybe that’s the problem. Maybe you’re not seeing something.”

Hyun sighed and crossed her arms, checking over her shoulder once more to make sure Sophie wasn’t returning. “I know what she did to you. I know everything she did. I know that as much as you hate it, there was something in there that you liked. Or at least something you had Kimmy believing you liked.”

Josh stood abruptly, anger rising in his blood, looking to bolt. “And the money for a house like this? Where did she get the money? I don’t care how much Stone is paying her, this house is out of her budget.”

“Ask her yourself. Don’t ask me. For once in your life, confront her. Make her tell you what you want to hear.”

Did he hide from the truth? Did he let her get away with lie after lie, and in time she thought telling lies her husband wanted to hear was better than telling the truth?

Now Sophie was returning, with teacup on saucer, blocking the easy exit from the hallway. Hyun got his attention before he could consider fleeing from the room’s other doorway, saying, “Kimmy punished herself Josh. I saw it. I held her hand through it.”

“Hey, Sophie,” he said, acknowledging his niece, arriving with an expression seeking praise for her dutiful nature. “You’re allowed to use the kettle?” Steam rose from the teacup.

Sophie said, “We have a machine.”

Hyun said, “She’s allowed to use the Keurig.”

Sophie set down her mother’s tea and Hyun ran her hands over her daughter’s shoulders, turning Sophie to face her. “Your Aunt Kimmy works very hard, doesn’t she?”

Sophie nodded, confused but agreeable.

“She worked hard to make this home for your Uncle Josh to return to. She’s done a lot to win him back.”

Sophie agreed with this as well. Hyun circled her arms around Sophie and hugged her from behind, her chin in Sophie’s collar. She said to Josh, “You should be flattered. I would be.”

  *

Kimmy wasn’t in the other room, nor was Colleen. He paused at the crib. Empty, a blanket folded over the rail. A humidifier ran in the corner by a rocking chair, and the mobile above the crib still spun, geometric shapes in bright metal splintered the lamplight into sparkling reflections that danced on the walls.

He headed up the stairs, no one in the kitchen or in the office, up to the second floor, following the hall to the only room with a light on. Kimmy stood in the room at the end of the hall, the master bedroom, rubbing lotion on her wrists, looking at herself in the mirror. She acknowledged his presence as he leaned a shoulder on the door jamb, nodding his way but returning her attention to her reflection.

On the far side of the room, a small bundle kicked feet against the silk-case of a fuzzy pink blanket, obscured by the spindles of a white crib. A white noise generator set a low and peaceful fizz by the bedside.

He stepped into the room, circling behind her toward the crib. Photographs set in folding frames lined the dresser at his side. Black and white photos from their wedding. A photo of them together in color taken in Kingston when they were practically kids. Kimmy looked like a kid; so did he. He’d known her a long time.

Colleen mewled in her crib. He stood over her watching her, those beautiful eyes closed, whatever disgruntlement had her complaining ceasing and she began to settle. He turned to Kimmy, her back to him, but aware of him, her eyes tracking him over her shoulder’s reflection. Crossing the room to her, seemed inexorable. She was tall and lean, her hair pulled back, working lotion between long fingers.

All of this could be his. This house was his. That beautiful baby was his. This gorgeous, cunning woman was his. How much, though, did he like playing with fire?

He kissed her neck, her head tilted aside, eyes closing. He loved kissing her here. Loved it. His hands caressed the robe’s silk where it touched her hipbones.

“You smell amazing,” he said, and she did; talcum and musk and sugar.

She smiled in the mirror, and something gave way inside him, something like wire or cord; a tether. Seeing her smile at his kiss so honestly encouraged a swell of hope into his darkened heart. He hugged his cheek to her neck and held her for a long moment.

“What happened, Kimmy? What happened when you left me? You left me.”

“I left you because I love you.”

“I know. You said that. But what happened? You stayed away. You broke me and then you stayed away.”

“Because I was ashamed, Josh,” she whispered. Her nails stroked through his hair.

“You should have ended it.”

“I was pregnant with our baby. I didn’t want to end it.”

“You just needed time away? Did you think I would hurt less that way?”

She palmed his cheek, and he lifted his head, looking at her reflection. There was a lot unsaid in her shimmering eyes.

“What am I missing?”

“I was ashamed. Ashamed of the things you know I did.”

“Yeah?”

Her lips pursed, parted, then pursed again. At last she said, “And ashamed of the things you didn’t know.”

He stepped back, letting his touch fall from the silk, a hot and sick feeling tightening his belly. Those old blasts of betrayal battered his shields. His heart raced. Another step back; Kimmy turned to face him.

He said, “What don’t I know about?”

Kimmy looked down, lips slimming, biting them, then looked up. She said, “I stole money, Josh. A lot of money.”