DITW 15-20: Plasma Formation

It was almost impossible to read Josh’s expression and decipher his motive. Deciphering was one thing; what challenged her most was the suddenness of his surprising apparent surrender; his quick and dedicated return to the fire that had burned him. But, though Josh’s features showed tragic lines of worry and the heaviness of existence, there was a familiar gleam in his wounded eyes. Long ago a bad young man had bruised Josh’s tenderest part, and sometimes, though the wound had healed, Josh found some strange joy in pressing the old spot and feeling something awful there that maybe reminded him he was a living, breathing man. Yet, she told him, “I don’t think it’s time for that.”

Josh’s eyes showed he was undeterred, but he licked his lower lip in nervous preparation before asking her, “Why not?”

She ran her hair back and looked across the room, not sure why she would want him to deviate from his own need—when it would suit her well. The time wasn’t right. “You’re not ready.”

Josh nodded once, lips slimmed like he was somehow offended by her rejection. “No,” he said, “I think I am.”

She inclined her head, regarding him with soft compassion. “How could you be?”

Josh paused, calm, but his eyes flickering. Looking for a reason. He said, “It was a long time ago,” then looked down.

She smiled and cupped a hand on his bearded cheek. “I thought you wanted me as your wife tonight—remember?”

Josh angled his head away, looking up at her, her hand still on his handsome face. He sighed, brow crinkling, concocting an answer. He said, “You wanted to show me how you did it for me. Made the video. If it’s so bad you won’t show me now, what am I to think?”

She withdrew her hand and held her knees. Possible scenarios played out in her mind; ways Josh might react, how the video might anger him. How it might arouse him. How it might set so many wrongs right again. She turned her face to his. “You know what you’re going to see.”  He couldn’t be ready for that.

“I’m ready, Kimmy. If I’m hurt watching it, it’ll be my own fault. You know you’re going to show me some day.”

“How do you know that?”

“You still have the video?”

She sighed, hugged her knees, lowered her chin. She’d kept the video for Josh.

Josh leaned closer. “Did you keep it for yourself, Kimmy, or did you keep it for me?”

She nodded. “I made it for you. I kept it for you.”

Josh said nothing and they sat together in silence for an achingly long time. Then she slipped off the bed and stood. “I kept it to arouse you. Just you.” She stooped to touch his chest. “You know that, right? I took the video for you. It’s the only reason I took it. And it wasn’t easy to do.”

Josh closed his hand around her over his heart. “But you did it for me, I know. I told you I’m ready.”

She stood again and regarded Josh, seeing his steady gaze, faltering only to flash over her naked body. The phone was kept secure, and she turned away now from Josh to retrieve it. Into the closet, kneeling under her hanging suits, opening the fireproof safe where she kept all the paperwork, some mementos from her mother, some finer jewelry, and one old iPhone. She thumbed the screen, a little disheartened to see it come to life. If the phone had died, the choice whether to show Josh the video would have been chosen by the Fates. But no, the phone was well and good—the only promising arbiter a red empty-battery sign up in the corner. Time might be on her side. She held the phone to her breast a moment, staring into the hanging suits zipped up in their garment bags before rising to stand again. She lingered in the closet doorway, smiling at Josh, who sat up in bed, back against three stacked pillows, the lamp on, half his body lit in warm light. “Battery’s almost dead,” she said. “Not sure how much you’ll be able to watch.”

Josh’s brow scrunched and his mouth went to one side the way he did when he performed math in his head. He said, “How long is it?”

She regards him and he smiles, waiting for him to hear the double entendre, before deciding the double entendre wasn’t funny, anyway. She walked to the bed on her toes and sat beside him, feet on the floor. “More than we have battery for.”

Josh told her to get a cord and plug it in. “Cords are downstairs,” she said. “I think fate’s working against us.”

“I’ll get the cord,” he said leaning forward, but she stopped him with a hand on his chest.

“You’re staying here. We’ll watch a little first. Okay?”

Josh nodded and eased back into the pillows. She smiled, holding the phone between her breasts. Her nipples had hardened and her tummy livened with this precipice of danger and excitement. This was dangerous sex. This wasn’t mundane. This was electric. She said, “Show me you’re hard first.”

Josh’s eyes widened with confused amusement, his head falling back. “What? Why?”

“I want to know your motivation. Prove your intent.” Now her hand moved to the bed covers he’d folded over his naked lap, and peeled them back. They both regarded his penis, half hard, inflated but not turgid, sticking out at level.

She moved her gaze from his penis to his eyes. “I’m not showing you until you prove to me you want it.”

Josh’s expression grew troubled as he tried to comprehend her demand, knowing the demand made sense but just wanting to see the video without restriction. He looked down, his stomach pulling in, his penis lifting.

But when he reached for his penis, she held his wrist. “Don’t touch it,” she said. “Close your eyes and think about what you’ll see.”

Now Josh’s expression showed a fearful amazement. This small challenge engaged him, locked him in and riled his desire. He closed his eyes as his breaths began to race, coming in heavy chuffs. Her hand caressed his inner thigh. “What are you picturing?”

A deep crease furrowed above the center of his pinched brow. “I don’t know yet. . . . Tell me what I’ll see.”

The caresses on his thigh turned to light nail-raking. “I got Devlin to wear my panties,” she said. “The ones you loved so much. The ones you wore for Devlin when you went to his apartment because you wanted to see the pictures Devlin took of my pussy. Wanted to see more of what Devlin saw of me.”

“You got him to wear them?”

“I got him wanting to wear them, Josh. He never should have messed with my husband.”

Josh chuckled and his hardening member nodded between his legs. His head rocked back and he must have gone to his dark fantasy land because she watched his cock rise and lengthen, grow fully erect, pointing straight up at her. She sighed a satisfied sound he would love to hear, wanting her husband to know how much his arousal aroused her.

Josh chuckled again, breaths quick, eyes open but blinking. He looked down between his legs to see his erection. He snuffled a laugh and flexed his thighs. “I think I’m ready.”

“You’re not tricking me? getting me to show you this so you can use it against me?”

“I swear, Kimmy,” he said, voice quiet. 

Her hand left his thigh to rub her chin and neck. “I’m in the video, too, Josh. . . . Are you sure you want to see it?”

Josh’s doubled look was exquisite. The delays frustrated him, the indecision, the belief that she could give him this or take it all away, too. Her hand returned between his thighs but this time she caressed his scrotum with her fingertips, then drew a pad up the length of his trembling arousal. Josh’s flesh quivered. Her own heart raced with abundant delight. She’d wanted to show Josh the video but didn’t think it would be so soon.

Josh groaned with pleasure at her slippery touch. He said, “Why else would I want to see it? You think I want to see him?”

“You’re going to see him. You’re going to see him in my underwear. . . . You’re going to see more than that, too.”

“Like what?”

“Do you think Devlin’s equipment fit in my small panties?” Josh’s brow compressed like in anguish. “Oh,” she said, soft and embarrassed.

Josh knew why she’d made the sound. He said, “Mine fit.”

She nodded, pursing her lips, showing him a compassionate expression. “Devlin is a much bigger man than you are. He’s taller; he’s a thicker guy. . . . And what he has between his legs is so much more than yours.”

“I already know,” Josh said, swallowing with some difficulty, his Adam’s apple going up and down.

“You’re going to see it, Josh. See Devlin’s naked manhood. Are you really sure you want to do this?”

“Just show me, please. Please.”

She showed him one last wavering look before bringing the phone up so he could see it. She held it in both hands between her breasts. Josh touched her haunch with the backs of his fingers, too worn out with greed to meet her gaze. Embarrassed by his own desire. “I did this for you,” she said. “I wanted to show you, wanted to show you in my own way, in my own time. But if you want to see it now, I’ll show you.”

Josh squirmed, electrified by the knowledge of a video she held to her chest, writhing with dirty needs. She dropped her hands between her naked thighs, shoulders slumping. She said, “Tell me you wanted it, Josh.” Josh didn’t understand. She said, “Tell me the truth. Tell me you wanted it from the beginning. Tell me you wanted it before I did it anyway.”

“I couldn’t have,” he whispered, eyes pleading for release.

“You must have, Josh. I didn’t want it to happen. Just tell me. Tell me because I want to hear how it would sound if you confessed.”

“I wanted it,” he said. “I wanted it before you did it.”

“Did you tell Devlin to do it? Did you tell Devlin you wanted him to fuck me?”

Josh shook his head no, but she could see cracks forming in his resolve. He’d structured much to bolster his own psyche in infidelity’s aftermath, afraid too much truth would tremble the earth and reduce him to ruins.

“Look at me,” she said, raising his chin with a finger. “I love you. I love you and this arouses you. Look between your legs and tell me it doesn’t. We didn’t do a single thing right, but here we are, together again and still loving each other. Tell me the truth because you love me.”

A vein rose in Josh’s temple; the cords of his neck stood out. He would never admit his own complicity; she would bear the blame because she was the stronger of the two. He shook his head in tiny increments, his brain racing with conjecture.

“You want it more than me, Josh. You want it more than me and there’s nothing wrong with that. I love you. I’m so happy to have you in my bed again.”

With that, she released him from the confrontation, stroking his neck and cheek and hair. In real love with him. She eased up onto the bed and slipped in behind him, kissing his collar as she got herself into place, the two of them naked in their bed, him between her legs, his hot back on her chest, her chin on his shoulder. She held the phone up so they could regard the screen and opened her photos, scrolling back.

Josh held her wrist and she stopped scrolling. She waited, and soon he spoke, saying, “I think I asked him. I think I asked him and I’m afraid all of this was my own fault.”

She hugged her arms around his neck and kissed the back of his ear. “None of it’s your fault, Josh. It’s all my fault. I did everything wrong.” But here you are with everything you wanted, and I’m the only one to blame. Josh had it all. The house, a baby, a career. His darkest sexual fantasies. His wife working her ass off to give them all they’d ever want. She could take the blame. It would be nice to hear him admit it, but he might not ever know how much wrong he’d done along the way, too.

She lifted the phone again and scrolled to the series of thumbnails showing the afternoon she’d spent in Devlin’s apartment, on one of the days before all the fun with Devlin Stone had ended. She thumbed the correct video and it zoomed to take up the entire screen. Devlin Stone, gorgeous and built and hung like a horse and an absolute savage in the bedroom. 

“Here it is,” she whispered in Josh’s ear.