DITW 15-25: And Perhaps Her Grave

Kimmy watched Josh, his face pale, eyes wide. Devlin’s menace still hung between them. Those had been the cruelest words, the evilest barbs. Bottomless depravity.

She had pushed too far, too fast. A pang of regret twisted in her heart. She should have known better. Why had she let Josh talk her into it? But she knew why. It was exciting to show Josh too early. Early would deliver a greater and harsher impact. Danger burned hot, sweaty lust in her heart.

“I want Colleen,” Josh reminded her, his voice small.

“We’ll get her, but first, let’s shower,” she said. “We need to clean up, Josh. Okay?” She swung her legs off the bed, body still tingling and riding waves of vibrating pleasure. She had to get Josh moving, snap him away from this state.

Josh looked at her, eyes glazed. “Shower?”

“Yeah, come on, come with me.” She tugged at his arm. “You get in the shower and I’ll make the bed. I’ll join you in a sec.”

Josh stumbled out of bed with her, sluggish. She led him to the bathroom, turned on the shower. Josh stood, eyes distant but following her movements.

“Get under the water, Josh. I’ll be right back.”

She slipped out of the room and stripped the bed, balling the sheets up and tossing them into the laundry basket. Her old phone lay on the nightstand where she’d put it, screen now an ominous void. She snatched it up and hid it away in the closet, bound for the safe later. Out of sight, but never out of mind. She knew the damage it held, and Josh had only seen the smallest portion.

Then back to the bathroom and the sound of water hitting the tiles. Josh’s wavering flesh tone moved behind the frosted glass, his head under the stream. She cracked open the door, steam billowing out, saw Josh standing under the spray, his head bowed, water cascading down his back, then back to the bed. She grabbed a fresh set of bedding from the closet, made the bed, plumped the pillows, setting them neatly against the headboard, then back to the bathroom and slipping into the shower behind Josh.

Josh regarded her over his shoulder, some nice life showing in those eyes—and the smallest of smiles. A guilty smile, but that was a good one. She rubbed his collar, reached for the soap, lathering her hands, then gliding over his shoulders, down his arms. She washed him with care. Her hands moved lower, washing his stomach, his hips, her touch intimate but not sexual. She thought more of healing, more of care. 

At last, Josh turned to face her, bringing her into the spray and warmth and into his arms. His eyes showed hurt, but there was love there, too. And, lo-and-behold, perhaps some humor as well. An admission that what just happened between them was crazy. Outlawed. Depraved. So, so nasty.

But now it was over.

Her body pressed his, arms wrapping him, their skin soft and soap-slippery. Her cheek pressed Josh’s neck. And she smiled, too. They stood there, under the warm spray, sharing the somber moment, not saying a thing.

Then Josh, far away but happy somehow, said,  “How will I ever feel safe with you, Kimmy?”

Kimmy’s hands raked through his wet hair, holding a handful at his crown, the water running over them in warm sheets. A thousand answers jammed in the doorway; rushing lies. She breathed in and held it. Then let it out, her nails running his scalp. “You won’t, Josh. You’ll never feel safe with me.”

Josh’s expression didn’t change, watching her with steady intent, eyes awake now, but narrowed in scrutiny. He leaned his head back into the spray, still watching her.

She said, “It’s the condition you’ll manufacture. Fear. You like it. You like it, so you manifest it. You want to be afraid because it’s exciting. I excite you.”

“Yes, you do,” he admitted, unsmiling.

She laughed, hands scrubbing his hair. Her own eyes teared up, not from sorrow, but from unalloyed love. Abounding, overwhelming love for the man she married. For the man who stood with her now, naked in more ways than one. She kissed his dripping chin. Josh was as fucked up as she was; as dark.

“I never knew I could excite a man as much as I excite you,” she said. “I want to excite you. I want to make you crazy.” Her hands cupped his face, thumbs brushing his cheeks. “I hated when I scared you away. It was the hardest thing I’ve endured in my life. Don’t hate me. Just love me. Love me and let me scare you. Just for the thrill.”

“You like it, don’t you?”

She bit her lower lip, showing him the expression of great wounding. He held her, and she didn’t budge. “I promise I’ll never hurt you, not for real,” she whispered, her forehead resting against his, their eyes locked.

Josh closed his. “You planned that video?”

“I put him where I wanted him. I would have done terrible things to him, if you asked me. I was only getting started.” She smiled, bowed her brows, ready to claim she was only joking, but Josh believed her and didn’t recoil.

“I planned all of it. I wanted him to say those things. I lied to him. Colleen is yours, Josh. I had to tell him that to make it work. You know that.”

Josh stood rigid, water cascading off his shoulders. Her hands cupped his face, guiding him to meet her gaze. “Josh, you know Colleen is yours. You know it.”

“I know,” he said. “I know why you made that video. I understand. I know Colleen’s mine.”

“She is. She’s your daughter, Josh. Your little girl.”

There was a heavy unsaid in the air, a dread zeppelin, and better left unsaid: Yes, when I made the video, when I filmed Devlin in my panties, I didn’t know whose baby I carried.

Josh said, “Did you... did you enjoy it? Watching the video again.”

“You know I like it. You don’t even have to ask me that—it was obvious. But do you know why? It’s not just what you see on the video. What we watched is just a part of it. You know how I feel. None of it has any meaning without you. If there were no you, there would be no video, and there would be no affair—there would have been no chance I would give Devlin Stone a minute of my time.”

Josh’s mouth squirmed, his brow troubled. Though he always seemed like he understood the truth, he sometimes wanted it not to be true. Whether it was part of Josh’s kink or simple denial, she didn’t know for sure. The denial only served to remove his responsibility, but she was sure he saw it. They needed each other in a way that would guarantee their future.

Her hands slipped up his smooth arms and held them under his shoulders, getting his eyes to meet hers. She said, “I gave you everything you needed to destroy me. I ruined you. I know I destroyed you, Josh, but I also know you had every thing and every reason to end me in return, to seek righteous vengeance, and you didn’t do it. I wanted you back more than anything. You’re here because you love me. If you didn’t, you would’ve done the right thing and told anyone who would listen the evil your wicked wife performed. And if they were unsure, you could prove it. But you waited. You gave me what I needed to make things right. The space, the time. The time to show you how much you mean to me and how much I need you in my life. You had the evidence, you knew my crimes, you knew how to hurt me. How to destroy me. But you didn’t.”

She levered off the shower behind his back, stepped out, and held a towel for him. Josh came out, and she wrapped him in it.

With the towel around his shoulders, hair hanging wet on his brow, Josh’s smile returned. Not big and showy, a smile that portrayed something more like surrender. He said, “I love you. I still love you.”

“I know you do,” she said, touching his jaw. “I hope you know how much love I have for you, too.”

Josh went to the bedroom, and she went to the closet with a towel on her head, wet hair wound in it. She dressed in satin pajamas; she rubbed lotion on her face and hands and forearms. Josh’s eyes watched her every move from the bed.

She closed the closet door and entered the bedroom. “I’m going to get Colleen,” she said.

Josh’s face brightened, and he whispered encouragement to hurry up already. She laughed and moved to the door, paused there, hand resting on the knob’s cool metal. She opened it wider, eyes rolling up, regarding the frame, closing it, returning it to how she found it, then opening it again. Her lips slimmed, and she shook her head in a silent admonishment.

She turned, shoulder pressing the doorframe, eyes finding Josh, Josh sitting upright in bed, back against the headboard. His gentle hands smoothed out the crisp sheets around him, hair damp, face flushed from the shower. But his eyes were bright, eager. Like a boy on Christmas morning, waiting to unwrap his gifts.

There was no greater gift to give her daughter than Josh as her father.

She smiled, and Josh looked up, eyes meeting hers, and he smiled in return.

“I’ll be right back,” she said, her voice just above a whisper.

A few steps down the hall, she paused outside Hyun’s door, knocked lightly, but heard no response. She pressed her ear to the door. Silence. She opened the door into a dark room, curtains drawn, light filtering in from the hallway, casting a long, thin rectangle across the floor. She slipped inside, eyes adjusting to the dim. Hyun’s room was sparse, the only furniture a bed, a dresser, and a small desk piled in disarray with textbooks, and the laptop Kimmy had bought her, closed now for the night. Hyun’s backpack lay on the floor. The bed was a mess of tangled sheets and blankets, a lump huddled in the middle. Hyun.

Kimmy approached the bed, steps quiet. Hyun’s shape rounded up the covers, her slight frame curled into a tight ball. Hyun faced the wall, back to Kimmy, dark hair fanned out across the pillow.

She slunk across the room, slippered feet silent on the wooden floor. The silhouette of Colleen’s crib showed from the soft amber nightlight plugged low, near the floor.