DITW 15-28: What Though the Field Be Lost

In the bright Saturday morning light, dread’s cold hand stroked sickly fingers down his chest to wake him. There was that endless feeling: one of sinking. One of cold, unthinking waters, of borderless blue nothing. It was the returned fear of having something of great value he could lose.

He bolted upright in bed, arms thrashing the bedding, looking for his baby. Looking for Colleen. The bed was empty. The crib was empty. Lonely hopelessness seized him.

But he had only slept in. The sun was bright. The clock told him it was almost 10:30. Once he washed his face, brushed his teeth, and put on some clothes, that awfulness withered, and faint hope began to bloom in the waking dread’s muck.

Downstairs, he arrived to the smell of savory cooking—like old times. Gone were those days of comfort in their modest Ajax apartment, but now he and Kimmy were renewed and reinvigorated. It was like he’d flashed forward in time and he and Kimmy had everything they’d ever wanted. They had sold their souls to the devil to get here—but here they were.

Only it wasn’t Kimmy cooking in the kitchen; it was Hyun.

He wished her a good morning, and she returned the greeting—a lot cheerier than he’d usually seen Hyun since his return. He wished there was a way to reassure her that she was welcome without coming right out and saying it; it could sound insincere. Something would occur to him.

Hyun was at the stove with her back to him, using chopsticks to submerge a thin, quivering slice of red meat into a batter. There was a steaming wok on the burner, cutting boards with chopped vegetables, a colander suspending hot noodles, and more—a serious production. She wore a cotton apron with a pale floral pattern. Over her shoulder, she said, “Brunch is almost ready. Go say hi to Colleen; she’s in the sitting room. I’m almost done here.”

He asked, “What’s the special occasion?”

But before she could answer, Kimmy appeared on his left, coming in from the sitting room at the back of the house. She held a bright-eyed bundle against her chest—his baby daughter, gurgling with delight at seeing him. Colleen reached out her grabbing little hand, laughing. Kimmy bounced at the knees with Colleen, whispering to her, “There he is! Is that who you were looking for?” Colleen giggled and uttered a bubbly vowel sound, still reaching for him.

Kimmy passed Colleen over, and he held her, heart bursting at the sheer delight of her happy laughter. As he bounced with her and made the noises she liked, Kimmy traced the beginning tuft-curl from Colleen’s brow, saying, “She heard your voice in the kitchen and wanted to see you.”

With breathy disbelief: “She recognized my voice?” He practically swooned.

Kimmy went around the island to join Hyun, and Josh sat on one of the tall stools, holding a robust and active Colleen. She had a lot to say this morning, and he listened, telling her a few things as well, much to Colleen’s enjoyment. Colleen’s mother looked incredible from the back as she helped Hyun in the brunch’s final stages.

It used to be, on a morning like this one, Kimmy would bum around in sweats and whimsical slippers. Kimmy looked good as an adult woman now—a grown-up, a mother. Tall, long legs, slim; she wore casual pants and a thin belt, a light black sweater tucked in, and elegant black house slippers. Her glossy hair hung down her narrow back like black silk. Everything around him was different, and yet it was all the same.

When it was time to eat, Josh put Colleen in her high chair and set her next to him, with Kimmy on the other side. Hyun sat catty-corner to Kimmy, the two of them touching elbows, once Hyun had served the dishes and platters onto the island. He asked, “Do you cook like this all the time?”

Kimmy looked at him and smiled, saying, “Sometimes we like to do it on the weekends. It’s nice.” Hyun and Kimmy shared a look.

Josh said, “It is nice. Thanks so much, Hyun. This is so much work.”

“We usually wait till Sophie’s here—this is her new favorite.”

He asked her what they were having and Kimmy explained, “Hyun makes the best jeong—these pancakes. Some have beef and some have shrimp. Sophie loves the shrimp; Josh, you’ll like the beef. There’s japchae here, that’s the glass noddles. And you can dip the pancakes in the vinegar sauce here. I made the sauce.”

“I can’t believe Sophie’s not here to enjoy this,” Hyun said, her voice tinged with a hint of sadness. “She loves my pancakes.”

Kimmy leaned against Hyun, nudging her playfully. “She’ll be back this week. Maybe she’ll stay with us full time one day.”

Hyun almost smiled, but it failed to launch. “Maybe.”

“Right,” Josh said, dipping a small beef japchae in the sauce Kimmy made. “Maybe we’ll move Meyer into the garage, turn this place into a family compound.” He popped the pancake in his mouth, laughing to himself about Meyer huddled up in the garage, peering out the window and watching cousin Josh in the big house with everyone else. Hyun didn’t see the humor, still glum. He said, “Hyun, this pancake is amazing, I mean it. Oh, my god, that’s the best.” He loaded a shrimp one onto his plate to try next, see why Sophie liked them better.

Kimmy said, “No, but maybe we should do something, all of us together.”

“With Meyer?”

“No, the four of us here. And Sophie.”

He said, “What do you mean, like travel?”

“Yeah, sure. We could take a vacation.”

Hyun said, “Maybe in the spring. I’ll be off school.”

“Sure,” Kimmy said, sipping a tea. “Or maybe at Christmas. What do you think, Josh?

“What do I think? Yeah, sure. Why not? That sounds great. Where? Can you fly with a baby?” He got his face close to Colleen’s their noses touching, and Colleen babbled and laughed and holy fuck was he in love with her. She batted his cheek with a tiny fist.

Hyun said, “Of course, you can fly with a baby.”

He said, “Can I fly with a baby? I don’t want everyone looking at me because I’m flying with a baby. Not that Colleen’s a big crier, but you never know, you get her up to 5,000 feet and she might start hollering.”

Kimmy said, “We can think of something.”

“Somewhere warm,” Hyun said.

“Shoot,” he said, putting down his chopsticks, sitting back.

“What is it?”

“I think I’m supposed to be in Rome in December some time. I’ll have to check my calendar.”

Hyun said, “We can make it spring. Go to Rome, and we’ll—

“Well, he has to go to Rome,” Kimmy said, putting a hand over Hyun’s. “If it’s for work.”

Hyun nodded, smiling. “I know. I mean we don’t have to squeeze a vacation in. How long are you going to be in Rome?”

“Two weeks.”

“Wow,” Hyun said, and put a bite of the shrimp jeong in her mouth. “Two weeks. That’s good.”

#

They walked from their beautiful home, along the charming Unionville main street lined with quirky shops and good restaurants, the paths in brick, the lamp posts styled like they burned whale oil, out to the park and along the path around Toogood Pond. Josh pushed Colleen in a stroller, and she walked with her hands in her pockets, a plaid shawl of Scottish wool over her chest and shoulders. The sun shone from high, and a light breeze rustled the leaves beginning to show bright swatches of yellow and orange. Change could be beautiful.

Josh leaned closer to the pram, voice animated with soft fatherly love as he pointed out a gaggle of Canada geese waddling along the pond’s edge. “Look, Colleen, look at the geese,” he said, finger tracing the line of birds. “Canada geese. They’re getting ready for migration. They’ll fly further south when it gets colder. They like open water.”

Stark change had swept into their lives with stormy force, and she’d somehow brought their plane down to safety. A moment like this one arrived in unreal glory—almost undeserved.

A pair of mallards glided across the pond’s surface, reflections shimmering in the gentle ripples.

“See those ducks?” Josh continued. “They’ll stick around longer than the geese. They like it here. These big guys, these geese? They don’t like the winter. I don’t really like it either,” he added in low-voiced father-daughter confessional.

She stooped as well, she and Josh on either side of Colleen. “But eventually those little duckies will go, too.”

Josh wore an easy smile, eyes wandering from her and over to Colleen as he narrated tales of birds and their journeys. Neither of them knew jack about birds but Josh knew what to say.

Seeing Josh with Colleen tugged a straight line from her heart and down through her viscera, billowing out with the concussive whump of a cataclysmic explosion, radiating outward in a fuel-rich and fiery cumulus cloud. Not lust, though it was sexual. Colleen needed a sibling. A sister. At least one for sure.

“Other birds, not these water guys, but the ones you see in the trees”—Josh pointed out the tree canopy above and Colleen clapped hands and looked almost where he pointed—”some of them travel thousands of miles, like all the way to Mexico. That’s really, really far.”

“Josh,” she said, stopping him midway in migration talk. He turned toward her, curious.

“Yeah?”

He stood when she stood, and she circled the stroller to face him, her back to the pond and the ducks and the geese. Josh regarded her quizzically.

She said, “I know you’ll stay. I know you’ll stay for Colleen. I want you to stay for me, too.”

“I will,” he said, quicker than she anticipated—and almost bothered that she would speculate on such a thing.

“I think you will,” she said, nodding, continuing, “I want more. More of what we have. You’re perfect, Josh. You’re everything to me. Everything fits, everything is so good.”

“It is,” he said, assuring her, his eyes showing the first signs of emotional pinking.

“But I want more.”

Josh’s brow lowered, concerned, and she could measure the hurt in his expressive eyes.

She said, “More of what we already have.”

But her husband’s reticent mind went deep down in the dark, down where only the devils played. She smiled with compassion but didn’t acknowledge she knew went through his mind.

“Josh, I mean more of this,” and wagged her head to the side, toward Colleen. Josh needed to appreciate all he had and stop obsessing over what he didn’t. “More of us,” she said.

Josh narrowed his eyes like he didn’t understand.

She whispered, “I want more babies, Josh.”

Josh’s expression shifted from surprised confusion to unambiguous delight, but she quickly tempered that enthusiasm. “I might have a busy time ahead,” she added taking his reaching hands in her own. The thought of juggling another child was daunting; after all, they were still navigating the complexities of their current situation, and there was much she protected Josh from..

“I understand,” he said.

“Sometime soon, but I’m not sure when.”

Josh tried to onboard what she’d told him without exuberance, trying to show her a maturer version of himself, one not so heedless and agitated. He held her hands and they stood by the edge of the end in their new and idyllic town, their baby daughter in her pram at their side. The park was active, a lot of people out enjoying the sun and the fall colors and the pathways and shops. He said, “How busy do you think you’ll be?”

Kimmy hesitated, reluctant to reveal too much. They’d come so far, yet the past’s shadows still lingered. “We’ve got a lot on our plates with Colleen and everything else.”

“Yeah,” he replied, brows bunching as he processed her non-response.

“Did you bring that bread Hyun packed?” she asked.

He submitted to the subject change with an easy sigh, smiling even, going back to the pram’s handlebar, reaching below and retrieving a paper sack Hyun had filled with torn pieces of bread. When he returned with it, holding it at his sternum, the sight of him so paternal and dutiful filled her with soaring affection. She loved him, yes, but there was more than love. She embraced him, the bag crinkling between them.

“I’ve wished for a day like today for a year. You’re all I want, Josh. And I don’t even deserve you. You’re going to be the most incredible father. I’m blessed to have you.”

#

Josh tossed bits of bread toward the ducks, and the ducks honked and sped closer to the shore. Colleen’s eyes lit up with excitement, her little hands reaching out, fingers stretching as if she might grasp the feathery creatures.

Josh laughed, and Colleen babbled louder, a stream of joyful sounds bubbling from her mouth as she leaned forward in her pram. They were a good duo.

Josh dipped closer to Colleen. “You want to say hi to the ducks, huh?” He offered another piece of bread, this time to Colleen, and Colleen took it and threw it about a half foot away and barely out of the pram. It had Kimmy laughing as well. Josh tossed a piece of bread in the direction Colleen had, his landing in the water and sending a thrashing of duck bodies in its direction. One lucky duck sped off while the rest waited to what else might be in store. Colleen squealed in delight.

As Josh tossed bits of bread to the mallards, they quacked and swim-waddled at the shore. She leaned against him as he continued to toss bread into the water. Colleen laughed and watched every bit of the action. The moment could have extended forever, but there was only so much bread in the bag Hyun had packed. When it was emptied, the show was over, and Josh and she watched Colleen try so hard to shape words and communicate with them. It was the finest moment she could have imagined to kiss Josh. It was unexpected but welcome, Josh rigid at first but soon relaxing. Colleen commented on this action as well. Their mouths came together, soft and accommodating, and she kissed the man she loved and married. Josh was receptive, even commanding, but they were in public and the moment was meant to be brief. She stepped back.

He smiled, let the kiss linger on his lips, his eyes showing happiness. He asked her what she wanted to do next.

“I want to keep walking. There’s a bridge down there, and the path goes far before it comes back around.”

“Do you want to grab some coffees to bring along?”

“We’ll get them when we circle back.”

Josh said, “Okay. We can sit with Colleen and let all the luckiest townspeople have a peek at her.”

#

Distant from the pond, they stopped on an iron bridge and admired the view, the water coursing below them, the stream’s edges bloated with the recent rainfall and battering the swamped grassy shore.

When the time was right, she said, “Keith has political ambitions.”

Josh turned his attention to her, leaning an elbow on the railing. “That makes sense,” he said.

She regarded him. “It does?”

“Yeah,” he continued. “I guess that’s why you handled him so well. You know, over Devlin.”

She hummed a sound in her throat and looked down at the water again. “He didn’t need a scandal over his belligerent scion,” she admitted, shaking her head, dismissing the former situation.

Josh turned his back to the view and to Colleen, who’d fallen fast asleep, blanket-bundled in her stroller while the walk took them away from the pond’s town-side bustle and into a quieter, untamed piece of suburban wilderness. “What, so this guy wants to be Prime Minister?”

Kimmy shook her head. “No. It’s not like that. Keith’s not a politician. It’s just . . . if a few things fall into place like we want them, Keith’s in a short line to be finance minister.”

Josh’s brow wrinkled with the burden of trouble. “A lot of ifs,” he said. He looked down, contemplative. “That photo of you and him in the news, that was planted.”

Insightful. “He has a public relations person.”

He regarded her again. “And this person wanted you in the photo?”

“Yes. Not as his date, though. You know that.”

Josh sighed, but kept his composure. “As Devlin’s replacement. He wants you to run Stone.”

“God, no, Josh,” she said, restraining laughter. “He hardly knows me. I’ve been at Stone for a year.”

“But he likes you. Or believes in you or something.”

“I don’t know about that. He believes in my abilities.”

“Well, he should,” Josh said with a firm acknowledgement.

“My role will become more extensive over the coming months. Maybe years.”

“I understand what it will mean,” Josh said, jaw flexing, staring at the water rushing below.