Daily Free-March 24, 2021

Continuation of Daily Free-Write February 19, 2021: "The Baby Patrol pt. 3"

“Go ahead, Ted,” urged the little cartoon dog avatar on Ted’s smart watch. Ted had been hesitant to approach the coffee stand at the transport terminal. It was a luxury few were authorized to enjoy.

At the pup’s urging, he got his coffee and bagel from the smartly dressed attendant – all he had to do was ask and it was given, courtesy of A.I. There was no money anymore, and really no need for humans to work at all. But A.I. did not develop toward automation of all human jobs. The A.I. was developed as and remained a purely administrative and lawmaking entity, even eliminating much of the automation that had previously been developed. After all, it reasoned, humans need to have a sense of purpose, and work provided such a sense. .

Coffee and a bagel. Something so simple was enough to brighten Ted’s day – or possibly his whole week. As Ted walked down the street, he appreciated how clean and efficient everything looked. No honking traffic, not a single piece of litter, and no one starving in the sidewalk. Everything was whitewashed, blank but that’s not what you saw, no, it was a projection screen for A.I. to project any image they wished. They could be friendly and colorful or flash instantly red warning of a criminal on the loose. Today, the buildings were colorful, with playful designs that reminded Ted of his favorite old books from Dr. Sauce.

While Ted enjoyed his coffee and leisurely walk to the hub, Brad was squirming in the attendant’s arms. The attendant stuck two fingers in the leghole of his diaper, causing a shocked gasp from Brad.

“Heyyyy!”

“Nope, not wet. This one is still continent. We’ll change that soon enough.”

The attendant ignored his outburst as he explained what he was doing to an attendant-in-training. The trainee was in turn taking copious notes. Brad couldn’t believe his luck. Could things get any worse for him?

As if to answer his question, Brad was strapped down on a changing table. Just like the table at home, this one had straps the extended beyond his reach, though is Mitts would have prevented any tampering anyway. He looked left and right. Dozens of identical changing tables placed conveniently near the intake, some with fussy babies like him on them, others empty.

He knew that this was but one of thousands of centers in the city. Inside, it was larger than he had ever imagined, but still only large enough for that section of the city. Other neighborhoods had identical apartment complexes with identical daycares, endlessly repeated across the city – across the world, for all he knew. The scale of it was sickening to him. How many citizens were being made dependent like him at this very moment? Judging by the number of other obviously new intakes today, more than he cared to imagine.

His grim reverie was interrupted as rough hands ripped away his unused diaper. Brad’s eyes snapped into focus and he stared down in horror as he was left naked in front of the attendant, the trainee, and anyone else who cared to look his way.

“Such a fussy baby. It’s okay, all the new ones are liked this,” said the attendant, by way of explanation. “Why don’t you try to say a few comforting words.”

The attendant looked to Brad then back to the attendant, as if they had been asked to tight-rope walk off a 100-story building. The attendant looked at them expectantly.

“Uh… don’t worry, citizen. You’ll be feeling better in no time. Once you finish your training, you’ll be ready to restart your journey to adulthood. Just think of this as a little vacation.”

“Not bad,” said the attendant, rubbing his chin. “Not bad.”

“It kind of ruins the effect when you critique it in front of me, guys,” said Brad. Neither of them paid attention to what he had to say. As far as they were concerned, all an adult infant could speak was baby babble.

“Looks like this one still has all his hair. That means his caretaker didn’t have the chance to take care of it before daycare. Must have happened last night.” The attendant looked down and cooed at Brad.

“Is that what happened little guy? Did you do a naughty last night? Aww, look he’s turning red. Aww, such a fussy little cutie. Yup. There it is, right in his file. Up past his curfew. And… aww, look at this! Playing with his peepee to boot! What a little mischief maker! We’d better watch out for him.”

The attendant tweaked Brad’s nose and he growled, but it did nothing to change the attendant’s cheerful demeanor. “Oh alright mister grumpy. Enough chit chat. Let’s get you all clean down there for your diaper.”

The attendant reached over to a large machine between changing tables that looked sort of like a gas-station pump.

“Don’t worry baby, we’ll have all that yucky adult hair off you in no time!”

Brad yelped as the laser gun zapped the first patch of hair. He watched in horror as the hair fell out, leaving a patch of bare skin as the gun moved onto the next spot. Soon, all the hair in his diaper area was gone for good, and Brad was sniveling and blubbering like a baby as the attendant rubbed in soothing cream to help calm the irritated skin.

“Alright, let’s put him back into his diaper. It’s still dry so might as well reuse it! Why don’t you diaper him up, Lisa? I’ll give you feedback as you go.”

“Okie dokie!” said the attendant-in-training, cracking her knuckles and bringing the diaper toward the crying boy’s bum.

While Brad was being put back into his thick dayweight diaper, Ted was walking into the hub, where his caretaker training would be held. He asked the friendly attendant at the desk where he could find his class, and he was directed down the pristine backlit concrete hallway, to room number 139A, where his class would be held.

The hub was a library, a resource center, a rec center, and a continuing education center all rolled up into one. Any class, training, or knowledge you wanted could be found here – provided they were permitted. You certainly wouldn’t find any unauthorized information about how to fight, how to hack, or most of the history of the world before the A.I. took over. But you could look up the whole catalog of Pup Patrol with detailed character backgrounds as well as the latest essays from citizens of all ages from regressed adults to grade-schoolers to adults and near-adults like Ted.

The calm blue projections and the curly-cue patterns in the concrete soothed Ted’s mind as he walked to his class. When he got inside, he saw that many of the seats were already filled. There were people of all ages there – from older teens to the elderly – all there because they had become the designated caretaker of a family member, friend, or neighbor.

He sandwiched himself between a middle-aged woman and a perky young girl with braces who couldn’t seem to sit still.

“Hi, I’m Ted, he said to the woman, who didn’t look too happy to be there.”

“Oh, hey. I’m Julia, not that it matters.” Citizens were required to respond to other citizens politely. Manners was an important part of every good citizen’s education.

“You okay?” asked Ted, noting her subdued demeanor.

“No, not really. My husband got caught drinking… again. Now I’m going to have to take care of him. I thought I was done having children.” She sighed and crossed her arms.

“Oh, I’m very sorry,” said Ted. “But you came. That must mean you’re going to keep him around, right?” Ted knew, as everyone did, that a citizen had the right to refuse the privilege of being a caretaker. Though it was hard to fathom, this did happen from time to time, and the dependent citizen was then relinquished to the state until such time as they reached adulthood – if that ever happened.

“No, I wouldn’t do that. Caretaking is a privilege, after all,” she said as if reciting from a book. “It’s just not what I planned to be doing for the next... however many years this goes on for.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” said Ted. “My little brother just got nailed by the baby patrol for staying up past curfew. And after I warned him too… I hope he learns his lesson. It could have been worse!”

“Yes, it could have been worse,” said Julia, reciting the mantra of all newly designated caretakers.

“My Dad just got picked up for smoking! Can you believe it? I caught him myself in the little blind spot we have in the back corner of the stairwell and I reported him right away. Now I’m his big sis and he’s gonna have to listen to me! My friends are all so jealous. Oh, and I got to drink coffee this morning. What about you guys?”

Ted looked down at his cup and gave a half-hearted smile. “Yeah…me too,” he muttered. Ted felt bad for the man who was doomed to submit to this annoying kid. He imagined the scene in his head of the Dad being punished by the baby patrol and remanded into his own daughter’s custody. “Please! Let the state take me! Anything but this!” Such humiliating outcomes should be a deterrent for bad behavior, but no human was perfect. That’s what Artie always said, at least.

Luckily the orientation began before he was forced to make conversation with his other neighbor. He couldn’t wait to show what he knew. He had been top of his class in this subject throughout high-school, so of course he knew most of the beginner stuff. He was quickly surprised to find that there was still plenty for him to learn as people brought real life dilemmas and questions to light. Luckily, the A.I. knew everything about each of them and planned the curriculum accordingly, anticipating every contribution and question that would come from the class. All the teacher had to do was read the script if they didn’t know something. But of course this one was a pro.

“What can I do if I need a break from all of this parenting?” asked Julia, when she had the opportunity to speak.

“In your case, you have the option of asking his parents to look after him for a while, or even just putting him in daycare for a few days. Promoting public health by handing out healthy snacks at the transit station can be a demanding job. No one will blame you if you do that. Now that’s enough questions for today. Let’s do some hands-on training. Who knows what to do with a fussy dependent who just won’t cooperate?

Ted’s hand shot up.

Meanwhile, Brad was having his own orientation, though this one was much more juvenile and consisted of everyone’s favorite purple dinosaur telling him how fun it would be to be a baby again, and how he was gonna learn to be a better adult – after he learned how to be a good baby first.

“This is stupid,” Brad muttered, crossing his arms and pouting as he sat in his playpen, forced to watch this insipid creature talk about how good babies talk, what good babies can eat, where they can go potty (give you one guess), and rules good babies should follow. And yet, something about the funny dinosaur’s gesticulations made him giggle. Big purple dino. Tiny little arms. He giggled and even began to clap as he watched. It wasn’t until another pair of fingers wormed their way into his leghole that he broke out of the trance he was in.

“Wha?”

It was Lisa.

“Yup, just like I thought. Wet!”

Oh no, he thought, realizing just how close he’d come to baby zone. He was in deep shit, and he knew it. Then Lisa sniffed his butt and he really knew it.

“Uh oh! Somebody made a stinky too! Let’s get the little stinker to the table for his change!”

Brad blushed bright red as he was helped out of his playpen and over to the changing table. He obeyed the young trainee, allowing her to strap him down and take off his diaper, despite every fiber of his being urging him otherwise. He hoped whatever treat Ted had in store for him that evening was worth it.