About me - Sexuality Edition

So I know this blog won't interest a lot of people here, but I wanted to write it out somewhere and this seemed like a logical place to do it. Please don't feel obligated to read it!

Today (October 20th) is the beginning of "Ace Week" (Formerly Asexual Awareness Week) and I don't really talk about my sexuality experiences very often, so this seemed like a good time to do so. A very good friend of mine, Dex, encouraged me to write something for the occasion, so tonight (tomorrow for many of you) I'm going to put out an Asexual Katsuki fic that I've been working on. 

Ace Kacchan is a concept that I've been throwing around with people I'm close to for over a year, likely spawned by my own projection because Katsuki and I have a lot in common in other personality traits.  I'm honestly a little bit nervous about putting the fic out because Ace people cover such a wide spectrum of things they are and aren't okay with, so I know a lot of Ace people will be disappointed that he doesn't represent him directly. Maybe in future I will write more Ace Kacchan fics (or even Ace Other Characters, there are more I could get on board with) and those will provide a wider range of experiences to identify with, but this is the one I wanted to start with.

For me personally, my sexuality has been a huge ever-changing "thing" in my life that I'm still struggling to be comfortable with. I still vividly remember being ten years old and having to make up a crush on some boy in my class because when I said I didn't like anyone people either didn't believe me, or made fun of me for it. Kid-me said to my mother one day "I think they're really immature for the way they act about boys" and she told me "they're more mature than you, if you don't like anyone". Looking back I realise it was a pretty asshole thing for her to say, but at the time it hurt a lot and I felt like something was wrong with me for it.

For the next 4-5 years I was constantly struggling with my sexuality. I knew what "gay" was, and so because I didn't like any boys, I assumed I must have been gay - never mind that I hadn't liked girls either. Apparently this is actually a pretty common conclusion that people make (according to the internet) but it feels pretty stupid to me now.

But I digress, for 4-5 years I went back and forth with no idea whether I was gay or not, constantly questioning myself with "is this a crush??" whenever I got close to someone or admired them, never really knowing what it meant or felt like.

Early in high school, I made friends with a girl a couple of years older than me. We were super close, talked about pretty much everything, and one day she told me she was Bisexual. I had no idea what that meant, so I quickly googled it so that I wouldn't look dumb to her, and this world of "guys and girls" was opened up to me. It made so much sense to me! I had no preference between the two, so clearly that had to be it! I happily told her that I was too, and for the years that we were close friends, I was happily open about my sexuality. I didn't hide it from classmates, friends, teachers, parents - I never "came out" but I was very open about it, and so despite some nasty people at school who I quickly learned I didn't want to be friends with, I was comfortable.

I choose the word comfortable very specifically, because the problem was I still didn't have the same experiences as other people. It wasn't "Oh my gosh this guy and this girl are both so hot I want both/either/whatever", it was just that I didn't care either way.

And yeah, there were people I "crushed" on, or at least thought I did at the time - looking back, I'm still not entirely sure I liked them more than as friends, but because I liked them a lot as friends, I assumed that was what it was. I dated a few people, always quickly realising that I wasn't really interested anymore. When it came time to actually go out with them, spend time with them/make time for them, etc, I quickly lost interest. One guy I was with for probably 6-8 months and he had a lot more experience than me (i.e. he had a lot of sex with his previous girlfriend, and I never had) and he said he had no problem with not doing that stuff right away, but he always implied that it would happen eventually. It was always "we can go slow" not "we don't have to do it". I didn't like that, though I couldn't put words to it at the time, 

For years after that I just figured no one would ever like me - I'm not conventionally attractive, and make no effort with my appearance (that's way too much effort, yo), and I know I'm introverted and can be annoying, so I just figured I was too gross and faulty and no one would ever want me. I told people I didn't want to have sex before marriage, because that was a somewhat socially acceptable way of putting it off. I listened to friends talk about how they would love to screw this girl or that guy and I laughed awkwardly and pretended I was "normal".

I didn't discover the word "Asexual" until I was twenty-one years old. Twenty-one years of my life I had beaten myself up over this stuff and thought I was wrong and broken and disgusting and everything else that society likes to tell us.

The day I discovered the word Asexual, it seemed too good to be true.

I convinced myself that this couldn't be it - it couldn't be that easy. I enjoyed writing smut fics, so clearly I couldn't be Ace. I'd kissed people and other stuff I don't want to specify in a public blog, so clearly I couldn't be Ace. But the more I read, the more I found people who were just like me. 

Bisexual was comfortable, but Asexual was the first thing that actually fit me.

I made a reddit account under a username that I don't use anywhere else, so that I could read and contribute to the communities there and see if it felt like a fit. I made an AVEN account and never used it, but I just liked knowing it was there. I liked knowing I was a part of something, no matter how involved I actually was in the community.

When I opened my twitter account for fandom stuff, i had no intention of getting as involved in the fandom community as I did. Ao3 was a place where I could write and post what I wanted, interact through the comments, and that was that. But then I started meeting people who I enjoyed talking to so much that I gave them my info for messaging apps and tumblr just to talk more. And then, at the behest of a tumblr friend, I finally made my twitter account. 

I had no intention of using it as much as I do, and I had no intention of discussing sexuality there.

What I discovered, was that there were not only people with my fandom interests, and people with the same sexuality as me, there were people with both. The first time I said I was Ace on twitter, I was terrified, and yet... No one cared.

I can yell it from the rooftops, and no one says "that's not real" "you're broken" "it's because no one wants you" "you're just depressed", people just say "nice" and that's that. I don't know if any of you have experienced what a weirdly freeing experience it is for people to just go "yup" when you mention your sexuality. Like, screw "I'm happy for you and I love you no matter what", just give me a 👍

For people who feel sexual attraction, I know it's a weird concept to imagine not feeling it. For me, it's the same - I can't imagine having it. I've never come close to feeling it, I wouldn't have any idea where to begin. I don't expect the world to suddenly cater to me, I don't expect everybody to understand, but having the freedom to be myself online is a truly great feeling.

I'm not "out" in real life, not by any stretch of the imagination. I told three of my closest friends via messaging apps, but I haven't actually seen any of them in person since. They moved to different parts of the world and we now just keep in touch digitally. One of them is actually Ace himself, which is kind of funny considering he was the closest to a crush that I ever had. No wonder we got along so well. I also told one of my work colleagues not long ago, and it was the first time I'd ever said the words out loud. I only said it because she mentioned Asexuality first, and I was honestly kind of choked up when I said it - but that, too, was really freeing. 

It'll be a long time, if ever, that I tell more people out loud. I can't tell my parents any time soon, if ever - I know for a fact that neither of them would believe in it, they would think something was wrong with me or any of the other quotes from people that I've sprinkled in throughout this blog. They have no problem with me being Bi, so right now it's easier to just leave it at that. 

For now, though, thank you all for letting me be open about who I am when I'm in this online space, especially since I spend so much of my life here these days. 

I hope you enjoy my Ace Kacchan fic, it might be the most I've ever put myself into my work.