Pausing billing for May

Hey. It's been a bit. I've posted various status updates in various places but I really do owe people something more comprehensive, so I'll do that here now.

Truthfully, I probably should have done this much earlier, but I've been in a cycle of "this next thing will probably reveal what is wrong with me/how to fix it, so I should wait until then so that the update can include the when and how of getting better" and then that next thing not actually doing that. Technically I'm still in that cycle, but I just want the weight of "taking people's money without properly earning it" off of my shoulders even though it's a shitty momentum killer... Not that momentum is/was doing so well after 4 months of no update anyway.

So okay, let's go over health stuff

For much of the latter half of 2023, I was attempting to troubleshoot antidepressant issues such as side effects and fading effectiveness. This WAS having an effect on my output, and is probably part of the reason why the timing of updates was gradually backsliding more and more. I'm reasonably sure I have always been depressed, but there are levels to this sort of thing and it was getting worse. That by itself was/is still manageable, but around December something else happened.

Basically I was just inexplicably hit by endless fatigue. Every day required 3+ naps or attempted naps and even with that the brain fog would never lift. I can't think of any particular event that predicated this. I didn't get sick (physically), and no event of any importance happened around that time, it just hit me out of nowhere and is the big part of why I didn't get the previous update out until Christmas (my god that hurts me to even read).

That fatigue is still happening now every single day. I am barely functional. I am frustrated. I am worried. I am awful to talk to because I'm extremely negative and every conversation feels like I'm demanding the person I'm talking to should be doing something to help me even though both of us know that they can't.

So far, I have been through:

• Several regular primary care doctor appointments

  • He's basically run out of ideas

• Psychiatrist appointments for medication adjustments

• Several rounds of blood/diagnostic tests

• Sleep study

  • This went TERRIBLY due to anxiety stuff. I got 1.5 hours of sleep with 0% REM.

  • No sleep apnea was detected during that time, although that doesn't technically rule it out.

  • For what it's worth, I don't snore (much). That also technically doesn't rule it out.

  • I can't schedule another sleep study without having another person that can come along, and doing so would also likely take weeks/months while also not guaranteeing that I succeed in sleeping OR that the problem is with my sleep in the first place.

  • A home sleep apnea test is not covered by my insurance and would cost $900 so I don't really feel like that's a good gamble to take.

• Rheumatologist

  • A blood test showed the presence of antinuclear antibodies. This CAN be indicative of various autoimmune disorders, but can also be present in healthy people.

  • I don't have any other symptoms of any of the relevant autoimmune disorders, so no diagnosis can be made here (it's not lupus).

• Therapist

  • This is not something that I would expect to actually fix the problem, but it's probably still better to do than not do. Please let it be known that I really am trying here.

• And finally next week I'm going to a Neurologist

  • I don't have any particular expectation of anything being found here or not. I don't even know what they would be looking for specifically that wouldn't have been found in other tests, but hey whatever.

  • I'm trying not to think about it too much because it's very easy to get pessimistic when you keep trying things and over and over again it solves nothing.

And that's... Basically where I'm at? I guess I've also done various things to try and improve my sleep hygiene/general health as well, but I don't think I need to list all of that stuff out.

I will say that if one more person tells me that I should try exercising I'm going to exercise my fist through their fucking face though (I am doing SOME exercising, for what it's worth).

But uhhh...

I guess as for the game itself

It's still alive. As much as this post and pausing the billing and everything feels like admitting defeat (to me), that isn't really the case (or so I tell myself). I do still get small bits of work done on good days. It just doesn't feel like nearly enough, especially because the most important thing I'm supposed to be working on (writing scenes) is significantly harder to accomplish through exhausted brain fog than bug fixing or other programming bits.

The closest things to positives that I have to say here I guess are:

• I've done significant amounts of planning for how I want to structure the content in the Witch's update

• I've gotten a good number of bug fix/engine improvement things done

So uh, look forward to that hopefully soonish, I guess? I really, REALLY want to get better soon.

Until then, thanks for your patience I suppose. I'm still very much PHYSICALLY present, and will happily talk to people who have questions or whatever when I'm not passed out in bed or attempting to extract answers out of healthcare employees.