more comforting songs as requested by karen that i talk about

there's nothing on my face, ruin everything, and i hate you

(for context read my previous post about "i'm a failure) because all of the comforting songs are about the same thing, my extreme attachment to M, who was my favorite person at the time and my hyperfixation and my emotional obsession and every corner of my mind from late october 2018 until i dont even know when , it lasted a really long time, but most of that time was just missing her and obsessing over incomplete details because her lifepath separated from mine after just 2 months of knowing me. the EXCRUCIATING details of this story are of course only mine, but ican definitely give you guys some decent insight into things just by talking about the songs a bit, we will start with "ruin everything"
which a fun fact about this song, of any song ive ever made, nothing SOUNDS so HEAVY as this one. in my opinion and experience. no sounds in any other song ive ever made have such potential to transfer me directly into the feelings i had when i made it, right from the first piano sounds. i dont even have to LISTEN to the song , even right no whwen i just thing about the piano chords and the sounds i feel like im back in those times and i can literally feel exactly what it felt like. for a long time it was really hard to listen to that song because it just SOUNDED so much like that time when i was so sad. the piano sample i recorded in november 2018 when i was back at my parent's house (where i lived before moving to san antonio) i remember making the rest of the song into that december when everythig with M was slowly falling apart, and recording my desparation into the music. i also sampled a scream from the emo song "avorter n'est pas teur" by anomie.
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"why am i impossible to love
i weigh so heavy on a second chance
i just want to fix"

unforunately i felt like i had to mask so many things about myself in a desperate attempt to be accepted because i would have done anything to be loved, and still coming up with nothing, i wondered "why am i impossible to love?" it really felt that way. when i realized that i had ruined everythingand that i lost M i could only beg into the emptiness around me that i could have a second chance.

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THERES NOTHING ON MY FACE

when i say "there's nothing on my face" i meant that because if my face had anything to look att, if my face were beautiful, M would notice me.

"i have no words for this disgusting feeling
how there’s nothing on my face
can’t even look at me
i’ll destroy with my bare hands the bodies of the past
while i punch myself in the face
crying isn’t enough
it’s not violent enough
beautiful red letters
you should have told me
you should have told me and i should have fucking listened
you should have told me
they are useless
you’re the only story i have
i’ll destroy anything for you"

the details of what im saying here are too personal to get into, but basically im obsesing over details and perfeccionism, everything for M of course, and everything as anger towards myself for ever making anuy mistakes.

_____

"i hate you"

of course, i never hated M. i would like to share the lyrics here but these are WAYY too personal, im sorry, but ill make a sort of synopsis. after M separated i would constantly obsess over details that were too escruciating to handle, and i would trigger a hugediscrepancy ive always had with other people (which i call histrionic) where i need to be recognized as the one who feels and eso and atttributes things most intensely. if its mine then i have it more than everywone, and anything that wasnt recognized by my favorite person was left in this unsatisfied state of I NEED TO BE RECOGNIZED. and in this song im obsessing over topics of jealousy. one line that i say in the song is "I hate you for giving up and for not recognizing me". but thats the most ill share of the lyrics cause like i said they get a little TOO in depth