The Ultimate Rude Tales of Magic Fantasy Casting Part One

Sometimes, when it seems like the work day will never end, we at Rude Tales of Magic like to pass the time by messaging each other playful castings. Today, to help YOU pass the time, we’re giving you the gift of some of our favorites. Thank us!

Nu Metal Bands from the Early 2000s

Albee - Papa Roach 

Bellow - Godsmack

Cordelia - POD 

de Bonseby - Mudvayne

Stirfry - Alien Ant Farm

Cheddar - System of the Down

Innkeeper - Staind 

Candy Hearts

Albee - CRAZY 4U

Bellow - CALL ME

Cordelia - YOU ROCK

de Bonesby - BE MINE

Stirfry - HUG ME

Cheddar - BE TRUE

Innkeeper - SAY YES

Emo Bands

Albee - Thursday

Bellow - The Get Up Kids

Cordelia - American Football

de Bonesby - Sunny Day Real Estate

Stirfry - AFI

Cheddar - Cap’n Jazz

Innkeeper - Rites of Spring

Shows Carly Has Rewatched A Million Times (including Miniseries)

Albee - Pokémon

Bellow - Girls

Cordelia - Grey’s Anatomy

de Bonesby - The Crown

Stirfry - Veep

Cheddar - I Think You Should Leave

The Innkeeper - Great British Bake Off

Rude Tales as a whole - Over the Garden Wall

Reasons Each Character Would Have To Delete Their Twitter

Albee - Replies to the @KreedisNews too many times and twitter support deletes her account, thinking it’s a bot.

Bellow- Accidentally posts nudes in a hashtag people are using to find loved ones after a flood.

Cordelia- Her almost completely inactive account is flooded with death threats when a baseball player named Cord Elia makes headlines for poisoning “many grandmas”

De Bonesby- Rose emoji twitter harassment after his NYT op-ed “A Child Can (And Should!) Be A Slave”

Stirfry- Gets in a fight with somebody who goes through his likes and discovers they’re all pictures of feet or something and screenshots it.

Cheddar- A teenager gets the all-time most liked tweet in the history of twitter saying “bruh moment” on a quote tweet of a promoted tweet for The Other Side

Innkeeper- Quietly deletes his account which has been inactive since 2013 when his name appears on the flight logs.

Songs from The Beatles’ Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band

Albee - Getting Better

Bellow - Little Help From My Friends

Cordelia - Fixing A Hole 

de Bonesby - She’s Leaving Home

Stirfry - When I’m 64

Cheddar - Lucy in the Sky

Innkeeper - A Day In The Life

Pavement Songs

Albee - Frontwards

Bellow - Old To Begin

Cordelia - Elevate Me Later

de Bonesby - Grounded

Stifry - Conduit For Sale!

Cheddar - Unfair

Innkeeper - The Hexx

Songs From The Beatles’ Abbey Road

Bellow - Sun King

Albee - Carry That Weight

Cordelia - Come Together

de Bonesby - Because

Stir-Fry - Her Majesty

Cheddar - You Never Give Me Your Money 

Innkeeper - Golden Slumbers  Rude Tales - I Want You (She's So Heavy)

Songs by Dashboard Confessional

Albee - Ender Will Save Us All

Bellow - Hands Down

Cordelia - So Impossible

de Bonesby - Living In Your Letters

Stirfry - Again I Go Unnoticed

Cheddar - The Good Fight

Innkeeper - Turpentine Chaser

Songs From The Beatles’ Revolver

Albee - I Want to Tell You

Bellow - Yellow Submarine

Cordelia - I’m Only Sleeping

de Bonesby - Eleanor Rigby

Stir-Fry - And Your Bird Can Sing

Cheddar - Taxman 

Innkeeper - Tomorrow Never Knows

Well well well…now things get interesting. The following castings are not of our characters but, rather, ourselves. Don’t be spooked! It’s not scary! It’s honestly YOUR problem if you were spooked!

Dark Clowns

Carly - Krusty 

Joe - Twisted Metal Truck

Ali - Piedmon from digimon 

Chris - The Violator

Tim - the Insane Clown Posse

Branson - Joker 

Taylor - It

The Noble Gases

Carly - Xenon

Joe - Radon

Ali - Argon

Tim - Helium

Chris - Krypton

Branson - Neon

Taylor - Oganesson

Lines from Shania Twain’s “That Don’t Impress Me Much”

Carly - “Don’t get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright”

Joe - “Okay, so you're Brad Pitt”

Ali - “Okay, so what do you think you're Elvis or something/

(whatever)/That don't impress me much”

Chris -  “You're one of those guys who likes to shine his machine”

Tim: “I can't believe you kiss your car good night”

Branson - “And all that extra hold gel in your hair oughta lock it/ cause Heaven forbid it should fall outta place”

Taylor - “that won’t keep me warm in the middle of the night”

Cons

Carly - con Pepe 

Joe - con Pepe 

Ali - con carne 

Chris - con carne

Tim - con pepe 

Branson - con Pepe 

Taylor - con carne 

Things Ali’s Cat Does

Carly - when he sleeps on my face

Joe - when he sits in that good way 

Ali - when I come home from work and he gets up and stretches while walking toward me

Tim - when he meows a bunch but he’s not hungry?

Chris - when he wants scratches, but only a few

Branson - when he sees something he’s seen a million times in the apartment and is suddenly suspicious of it

Taylor - when he’s upset a door isn’t open, then comes back 4 seconds later 

Supermarket Stuff

Carly - The Nature's Harvest Organic Aisle

Joe - Standalone Pepperoni rack

Ali - Asking if someone can cover your shift and they say yes

Chris - An elaborate Jack O'Lantern display of Orange Crush cases for Halloween

Tim - The Deli Counter Tickets

Branson - Tabloids by the checkout

Taylor - A Hawk flying above the store

Achewood Characters

Carly - Phillipe

Joe - Teodore

Ali - Lie-Bot

Tim - Pat 

Chris - Todd squirrel

Branson - Nice Pete 

Taylor - Cornelius 

State Flags

Carly - Rhode Island (Just feels right. Going with my gut on this one.)

Joe - Oregon (Looks like a flag the whole town got together to make to hang up at the talent show fundraiser to save old man MacGeorge’s malt shop.)

Ali - South Carolina (The palm tree celebrates their subtropical climate. The crescent moon celebrates Mohammed.)

Chris - Washington (It’s got George Washington on it. Feels like a joke Chris would make.)

Tim - Maryland (A hideous eyesore, but at the end of the day you’re talking about it.)

Branson - Iowa (The most beautiful of our state flags. Secretly French.)

Taylor - Oklahoma (Feels like the title screen of an old and controversial NES game.)

Wikipedia Articles Tim Had Pulled Up At Work One Day 

Carly - The Crown (season 3)

Joe - Emperor Septimius Severus

Ali - Ridley Scott

Chris - Gladiator (film 2001)

Tim - Callinectes Sapidus Blue Crab

Branson - Emperor Commodus

Taylor - Pope Paul III

Christianity

Carly - Episcopalian (Friendly, Casual, Grape juice for the kids during communion.)

Joe - Lutheran (Messy bitch who lives for drama.)

Ali - A cult (Secretly Wiccan.)

Tim - Eastern Orthodox (Rules-Oriented, Obsessed with hats.)

Chris - Catholicism (Powerful, Correct.)

Branson - Pentecostal (Speaking in tongues, Snake handling.)

Taylor - Megachurch (The way of the future, Reasonably priced.)

That’s it for now! Let us know in the comments if you have any requests and we’ll cast it up! We truly have tons of castings in our back pocket so we’re sure to do another one of these posts in the future. Thanks for reading and stay safe!