“It Works”: The Moves and Mayhem of Yuletide Kombat Family

If you listened to this year’s Rude Tales Non-Canon Holiday Special, then you already know it’s called Yuletide Kombat Family. If you haven’t listened, then this post will provide a pleasure similar to that of stealing your siblings’ presents; you’ll get something to enjoy but that something takes second fiddle to the thrill of transgression.

The rules of Yuletide Kombat Family are like the rules of jazz. If you want to play well, it’s best to forget them. And to compensate for the rules you just forgot, a player of Yuletide Kombat Family must lean into moves.

What are moves? Not the best question, so I won’t get into it. All I’ll say is that the cast was asked to come up with moves and taunts for their players and we wanted to share them with you. Read on, if you SCARE!

CARLY'S CHARACTERS

Hermey

TAUNT:

“According to my watch, it’s TOOTH HURTY!”

SMALL MOVES:

“Doll’s teeth”

Hermey attacks your teeth with a wooden hammer, dealing damage.

“I’m independent!”

Hermey creates an icy forcefield, reducing damage.

“Extraction”

Hermey uses his dental tools to extract HP from the opponent.

“Hermey doesn’t like to make toys!”

Hermey scatters half-finished toys on the board, causing damage to anyone who crosses through them.

MEDIUM MOVES:

“Is this your snow bank?”

Hermey summons a small avalanche of snow, dealing damage and/or stunning the opponent.

“Couple of Misfits” Hermey’s friend Rudolph comes in and charges the opponent, dealing damage.

SUPER MOVES:

“You Can’t Murder Me, I Quit!”

Hermey abandons the battle for one turn and comes back with his HP replenished by 50%.

PM David from Love Actually

TAUNT:

“Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about kicking your arse!”

SMALL MOVES:

“Greeting the staff”

David gives a very firm handshake, dealing damage.

“Shagging biscuits”

David throws a tray of hot tea and chocolate biscuits at the opponent’s face and head, causing damage.

“Caroling”

David sings “Good King Wenceslas” clumsily, causing damage to the listener.

MEDIUM MOVES:

“A friend who bullies us is no longer a friend”

David charges up his strength and deals double damage (Triple damage against Americans).

“Jump (For My Love)”

David dances wildly, his flailing legs dealing a combo of damage.

SUPER MOVES:

“Declaration of war”

David uses his powers as PM to deploy the Royal Navy. The opponent has 2 turns to finish the match before they are obliterated.

CHRIS' CHARACTERS

Jacob Marley

TAUNT:

That I did not do so in life, I am condemned to beat your wretched sinner's ass raw after death.

SMALL MOVES

Haunt

Turn into doorknob, ring bells, remove jaw and wail.

MEDIUM MOVES

Chain whip

"Link by link, yard by yard, I've forged this chain to lash upon your butthole!”

SUPER MOVES

“You will get wrecked by Three Spirits.”

The ghosts of Christmas past, present and future all fly in at once to deliver a spectral tornado of blows.

Hess Truck

TAUNT:

The Hess Truck's back and it's hungry for violence.

Your death is near. The Hess Truck's here.

SMALL MOVES

Spray Hess brand gasoline.

MEDIUM MOVES

Get hit by a truck.

SUPER MOVES

Release fighter jets from cargo hold.

JOE'S CHARACTERS

Christmas Shoes Kid

TAUNT

Momma’s meeting Jesus tonight… and so are you!

SMALL MOVES

Quarters

Flings his meager change at opponents.

MEDIUM MOVES

Shoemerang

Whips a boomerang shoe.

Bad News

The boy just came from the hospital, and has some bad news about your test results. As opponents are blindsided by this, he whips a bottle at their face.

SUPER MOVES

Guilt Ray

A ray of innocence and sadness shoots from the little boy’s mouth, enfeebling and stunning opponents with the true meaning of Christmas.

Dominic the Christmas Donkey

TAUNT

Tonight I’ll be enjoying the feast of Seven Fishes, and you’ll be sleeping with them!

SMALL MOVES

Made in Brook-a-Leen

Dominic wears brass knuckles on his front hooves (don’t ask how). He turns away for a moment, then sucker punches you with them.

MEDIUM MOVES

Donkey’s kick

Just what you think it is.

SUPER MOVES

Tarantella

Dominic leaps on top of his foe and performs a bone-crushing dance.

ALI'S CHARACTERS

Lucy Van Pelt from Peanuts

TAUNT:

“It’s men like you who make the world a terrible place for beautiful girls like me! You talk a lot but do you ever discuss marriage?? No! You’re all alike! My aunt Miriam was right, never discuss marriage with a musician!”

Cutting observation

Lucy sets up a crude wooden advice booth and weaponizes an extremely qualified psychological diagnosis. She tells you that you suffer from being a total failure with a fear of everything (pantophobia). This delivers a blow of massive ego damage, costing you 5 cents. Lucy stands over your body shaking a tin with a single nickel in it chanting in victory, “Boy what a sound! How I love to hear the beautiful sound of cold hard cash! Beautiful! Money money money.”

Leaning on Schroeder’s piano

Lucy confesses her feelings for you yet again followed by the phrase “boys are lucky. They never have to think about things like saucepans!”: this mortifies, angers, confuses, and distracts you.

Kick the football

Against your better judgement, you allow Lucy to convince you to try to kick a football she’s holding on the ground and you believe she will not pull it away at the last second. When you go to kick the ball she pulls it away at the last second. You land on your back, immobilized, embarrassed, and discouraged with your own lack of judgement in the face of a trick you know well.

Vince Guaraldi Trio

A jazzy little number sinks into your ears and you’re forced into performing a very basic dance move on a loop.

She’s just yelling now

Now you’ve gone and done it! Something you said or did or didn’t say or didn’t do has set Lucy off and she’s just yelling now: “I hate it when people say bless you every time you sneeze! Just say it the first time! Do you know the tortures of a lost love? It’s awful! You’re hopeless! Buy me something!” Blood runs from your ears, nose, and eyes.

Gizmo from Gremlins

TAUNT

*gremlin noises*

“Do not expose the mogwai to light.”

The mogwai has been exposed to a bright light. What are you trying to kill him? He’s so cute!! How could you! There were only three rules!! You die of shame. You feel so bad you take Gizmo in as your pet and he ruins your life.

“Do not let the mogwai come in contact with water.”

The mogwai has come in contact with water and he’s in great distress. He writhes and bubbles until with a comical popping sound a little furry egg pops out of him and hits you in the face. It’s quickly apparent that mogwai insemination is a “just add water” situation and you’re overwhelmed with violent, snickering baby mogwais. They ruin your home.

“And above all, never feed it after midnight.”

You fed the Gizmo after midnight, then overnight he enters a cocoon where he metamorphosizes (?) into a horrible mischief beast. When he emerges, he and his water spawn ruin your neighborhood. It’s surprisingly gory.

TAYLOR'S CHARACTERS

Joe Pesci as Harry, The Wet Bandit from Home Alone

TAUNT:

Merry Christmas, Little Fella. We Know That You’re In There And That You’re All Alone!

SMALL MOVES

Thats the One, That’s the Silver Tuna

My friend Marv, whispers in my ear and reveals opponents weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

The Midas BITE?

All teeth turn to gold and CHOMPs opponent for poison damage.

MEDIUM MOVES

Breaking & Entering

Harry may come and go as he pleases through any barricade, wall, or other structure or obstacle.

Wet Bandit

A tidal wave of tap water fills the space, drowning the opponent for bonus damage.

LARGE MOVES

Sticks and Stones

Harry is surrounded in a shimmering coat of grey wool armor. He is now impervious to physical damage or any other attack, except for a snow shovel or any other metal object meant to touch snow.

Little Drummer Boys in Blue

Cop Uniform, can damage anyone with no consequences, but any damage no matter how small or justified will be punished extremely.

Revolving Door

If Harry should be arrested or Killed, he is allowed one free resurrection, this symbolizes the forgiveness that christ’s sacrifice provides us but also the inexcusable leniency of the American judicial system where criminals like Harry are put back on the streets due to prison overcrowding and irresponsible liberal parole and bond law. On this Christmas All of us here at Rude Tales hope you will join us in calling for the construction of more prisons and mandatory maximum sentencing in all criminal cases. And we give a Christmas SALUTE to President Joe Biden for increasing federal funding for local policing. After the last few years, CHRIST knows we need it.

The Lexus December To Remember Sales Event

TAUNT:

“You deserve luxury and an ass kicking!”

SMALL MOVES

0% APR

Opponent must, without googling, successfully explain what APR is in 6 seconds or take bonus damage.

No Money Down

Sure, there’s no money down on our incredible holiday deals, but we didn’t say anything about money UP. Thousands of razor sharp $100 bills fly upwards from the ground, slicing a single opponent.

MEDIUM MOVES

Check Out Our Best in Class Hybrids

Our new hybrids like the 2022 NX450 combine the best of gas and electric, and soon you will too! All the cars that make up LDRSEm body open their tanks and gasoline streams onto the opponent, then electricity shoots from their batteries to ignite them.

Maybe You should consider Leasing

Can be used as an interrupt on opponents powers that require any form of currency or wealth, as in anything dealing with gold or silver. The opponent is now poor and cannot use any power relating to wealth, currency, silver, gold, or gelt.

JD Power

Summon four “Associates” to swarm the opponent.

LARGE MOVES

BIG BOW

A large bow falls from the sky, crushing all opponents within the space for major damage. Opponent takes half damage if they are a car.

Open Your Eyes

LDRSE summons the cosmic level of Financial and personal confidence necessary to purchase a car for your spouse without discussing it with your spouse first.

LDRSE is allowed to be the game master for one sentence.

BRANSON'S CHARACTERS

John Lennon On The Day He Was Assassinated

TAUNT:

Happy X-Mas, War is Over

MOVES:

I did not prepare moves for this and forgot we were supposed to do that.

Arnold Schwarzenegger in Jingle All The Way

TAUNT:

Jamie!!!!!!

MOVES:

I was just playing him like Donkey Kong