I have returned

I am sorry for my absence once again... again. As you know, I moved house with TechBoy and it’s going well so far, he dotes on me and it’s lovely, I feel loved. In fact, I don’t think it would have been possible for me to move house if not for him, even with his help and constant presence I have predictably melted into a puddle of insanity.

The evening after all my stuff got moved I had a bit of a moment. I’d been hiding in a secure location while TechBoy handled all the work but when I arrived at the new house and found all my stuff still in boxes piled up in an unfamiliar room the sense of upheaval hit me hard and I vanished from my own head.

In the morning, Techboy told me that I had snuck out and walked miles in the pitch dark and rain to my old house. I then stood there at the front door with no key until he noticed I was missing and called me. I have no memory of this at all… well I remembered and relayed some details a few nights later during another meltdown which I also don’t remember; apparently while I walked the aura borealis lit up the sky red and I could see my way for a while, sounds made up to me but it could be true? Who knows, I’m trying not to think about the implication of remembering things I did during meltdowns only while having meltdown, like some kind of split personality with separate memories, yeah, no thank-you to that. 

Anyway, my point is that the move hit my mental state quite hard to say the least. I did the healthy thing though and tried to give myself a break, get accustomed to the new place, allow myself to find safety here and let my head settle rather than force myself to make things. Techboy has done a lot of unpacking and decorating and building stuff and that’s all getting mostly finished now, I’m starting to feel better so I have returned.

In fact, and I am very hesitant to say this as I’ve not felt it in a long time but, I feel kinda hopeful. 

I talk about it a lot less than the agoraphobia ( incidentally, I just realised that I have not been outside since my breakdown nighttime stroll a couple of weeks ago… huh), but I’ve had slowly worsening chronic fatigue the last year and a half. It got to the point at the start of summer where I couldn’t really exercise at all without having to spend the next two days in bed with narcolepsy. This sucks as I like exercise, it’s one of the few things I could do to feel better about myself and it was slowly taken from me, it made me very very depressed to be so useless. I felt like a useless blob of flesh. Well, on Sunday I started some new meds and it’s just, gone? I don’t have the fatigue anymore. Sure, I have insomnia and I have lost all sex drive and I have started twitching like an insane cartoon character but I can move and the brain fog is gone so I count that as a massive net positive for the time being! I feel like I can do things again! It’s only been a day of it really so I don’t want to get to excited over it, easy come easy go as they say, but even a day of feeling like this is a treasure to me. I hope I stay feeling like this so I can start producing more stuff like I used to. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Lastly, I want to thank all of you so much. I don’t say it often enough, I realise, but you guys all changed my life. Individually, each and every one of you, thank-you from the bottom of my heart, your support and you being here or just watching my videos or reading my threads, that has helped me so much and I don’t know where I would be right now without your care. I’m getting a bit emotional writing this honestly. It’s overwhelming and honestly uncomfortable to think about how you come here just for me, I don’t think I deserve to be this loved, but I will make myself acknowledge it more often because it is the least I can do to thank you and keep making stuff to entertain you.

I love you all so much, Thank-you! Now, I better get to work!!