A True Alpha Chapter 47

Chapter 47

With the hole patched, Octavia dragged Clarke out to the kitchen to take some pity on her in the form of prepping her some breakfast. Clarke took gratefully to not having to focus on anything and being allowed to close her eyes and seal off the searing light. She savored each moment where she could rest without something seemingly striking her stressed senses. Sadly, such sweet serene seconds were fleeting for the alpha as she began to shake. Her head shot up, angry and frustrated. She tried to stop it, to steady herself, but her hands only shook worse. She despised this, the first sign that things would get worse, that the searing headache and everything feeling like hell as all she needed was another sip to help soothe the withdrawal. 

Clarke needed that sweet release, the artificial relief that came with numbing one's senses through the vile liquid. Witnessing this revelation once more felt even more crushing than it had each and every other time she had momentarily decided it was time to stop, only to immediately be crushed by the overwhelming unwieldy heft of such realizations; what getting sober truly meant; facing not only the withdrawal, feeling weaker even than in her heats! But it also meant facing all that which she drank to forget. Fears of being weak, being a poor alpha, incapable of providing for her mate, her sweet scent vs the more earthy tones which alphas customarily produced. But then there were the worst things, those which she hadn't spent her whole life striving and succeeding to sprout bloodstained armor to cover the weaknesses others would call ‘thin skin’. Her pregnancy, how she loathed it at first, but found such profound pride and delight in knowing… falsely believing she could be a mother. With that thought, Clarke’s first wall of will yielded. The alpha still mourning allowed her eyes to snap up to the liquors Octavia had brought with her when she moved in. Bottles adorned what were once mostly empty shelves sparsely populated with Lexa’s homemade flavored oils, syrups, and various vinegars. Such simpler sauteing supplements had since been shunned to the side of the shelving, a gracious offer from the beautiful alpha who had warmly welcomed them all into her home just to have Clarke close. The thought struck strong with guilt at Clarke, seeming to remind her how wonderful the alpha she loved was, and how all she had done was punish, shun, and push away the loving woman. Bourbon, Gin, Scotch, Tequila, Vodka, Clarke read them each off in her own head like longing for lost friends. She wanted them, she needed them! Desperately! Anything that would make the screaming just fucking STOP!

“Don’t.” 

“W- What?” Clarke stuttered.

“Stop Clarke.” 

“Stop what?”

“I know you are staring down my booze.”

“I…” Clarke fought back weakly. “But you have your back to me!” 

“Yeah, but you are hungover, and reading under your breath, a lot less quiet than you think. So… Just don't. The answer isn't on that shelf ok?” Octavia growled frustrated that she was somehow the one giving Clarke this talk. It wasn't that Octavia didn't want to help her friend, she just knew she wasn't good at it, that Lexa was always the one who could get through to Croatia, and that Raven had successfully talked Clarke down from drinking once before.

“I… Sorry.” Clarke sighed.

“Don't be, I'm glad I noticed.” Octavia offered, attempting to show some support. “You know you aren’t doing this on your own right Clarke?”

“Thanks O.” Clarke sighed, her heart sinking slightly. “But I think I should.”

“And why’s that?” Octavia spun around, dropping two plates down and then sliding eggs and bacon onto them. “Eat up, you need your strength, especially if you are gonna beat this.” 

“Thanks. I… You got anything we can talk about? I could kinda use the distraction.” 

“Yeah, I got something. What's going on with you and school? It's been two months since your…”

“The abortion performed on me without my permission?” Clarke scowled as she scooped up some eggs on her fork with a striking casualty for the serious look she wore.

“I… Yeah.” Octavia sighed. “Raven told me you got a small reprieve for being in the hospital, but she is worried for you. I won't forgive you if you don't walk with her asshole.” 

“I…” Clarke felt her throat swell up and seal shut in fear. 

“She has been so excited about graduating with you Clarke!” 

“I! I don't know that I won't be! I messaged my professors for the assignments and aside from final projects I'm not too far behind!” 

“Yeah, but how many of your projects are late or already missed entirely.” 

“J… just a couple.” Clarke averted her eyes shamefully. 

“You need to reach out, explain to your professors what happened!” 

“I did!” Clarke jumped to assure. “At first… And I didnt miss all of those classes! I was still going at first! But these past two weeks… I’ve been too drunk to show up.” 

“Yeah.” Octavia sighed. “Well I’m glad you aren’t the whole two months behind. But you need to get your ducks in line. Raven needs you too ya know?”

“I… I know.” Clarke lowered her head shamefully.

“Aww buck up bu-”

“Call me butter cup while I’m this hungover and you'll actually have a reason to never forgive me.” 

“Butcher cup?” Octavia winced. “Ya know cause your-”

“You are lucky you are gay too.” Clarke snapped softly as she moved to devour her bacon.

“Here.” Octavia whipped around, quickly grabbing Clarke both a regular bottle of water, and an electrolyte supplemented semi-sport drink. “Look, I'm sure neither of them will sate the cravings, and probably not the tremors either, but it will help a bit with the hangover.” Octavia paused to survey the beyond worn down alpha. “Look you can use all the help you could get.”

“Ah, thanks, I’m so proud to see that you have so much faith in me.” Clarke quipped but took the water with a hint of gratitude all the same. 

“Yeah, yeah. Raven needed me to ask for her.”

“Tell her I’ll figure it out one way or another.” 

“Really?” Octavia tested, unwilling to relay a lie to Raven, especially one like this which could break her poor little Raven’s heart.

“I will find a way to walk with her, ok?” Clarke pushed.

“Good!” O emphasized. 

“I’ll steal some poor girl’s cap and gown if I have to.

“You fucking better. I don't want Raven to be all anxious about walking alone with such a big bump.”

Clarke gave an irritated glare.

Octavia attempted to wait an appropriate amount of time before she spoke up. “Are you mad at her?” 

Clarke’s choking on air served one point, to show Octavia that she had not waited enough time for the question.

“Raven is scared Clarke! She doesn't know how to ask you that!”

“I know. That doesn't mean that I’m prepared for you to ask it!” Clarke tried to regulate her coughing.

“Well?!”

“I… Well I’m not mad. But that doesn't mean that being around her right now doesn't hurt.”

Octavia already knew the answer, and it was, in fact, the exact same thing she had been telling Raven for weeks, but that didn't change that her instinctive reaction was to growl at the idiocy of the idea.

“I know, I know. It would be better for both of us if I dealt with my issues and was there for my friend again, cause we need each other?” Clarke attempted to ease Octavia’s growls.

“Yes!” Octavia rose her voice more than she intended.

“Ouuch!” Clarke covered her sensitive ears with a slight dramatic flair.

“Yeah, yeah.” Octavia worried.

“I will spend some time with her after I get my shit together ok?” 

“Much appreciated.” Octavia cheered, checking her watch and hastily huffing down what was left of her breakfast. 

“What's the rush?”

“I have to head out soon.”

“I… You are gonna leave me alone?”

“You are a big girl, not to mention an alpha. You can be left alone for a couple hours.”

“I… but.”

“Clarke, you can't be supervised for the rest of your life, and even if the three of us could constantly babysit you, it doesn't prove that you would be incapable of relapsing. The best the three of us can do is be there for you when you are ready to really get sober.”

“I’m ready.”

“Good, I’d love to see you staying tough when I get back. Anything I can get you while I’m out?”

“Water? Chocolate? Migraine meds to deal with headaches?”

“You got it.” Octavia nodded along, grabbing her purse.

“Where you going? Work?” 

“I'm going to see Lexa.”

“You are going where?!” 

“Well, Lexa and Raven.” Octavia shrugged.

“Oh.” Clarke retreated within herself.

“What?” Octavia stopped short of heading out.

“Don't bring her back. Not yet.”  

“Wasn't planning to, but why not?” Octavia dropped her purse, captive in the request.

“Because… I… I don't think this is the first time I hurt her.“ 

Octavia nodded along politely, allowing Clarke to continue.

“O… I don’t think this is the first time I hurt her.”

“Yeah?”

“Octavia, for days I have been drinking myself into oblivion in front of her all so that I could have an excuse to yell at her.”

“I know Clarke.”

“It isn't even just that. I haven't been there for her! She lost her child too! But-” Octavia’s hand landed reassuringly on Clarke’s shutting her up.

“Then fix it. Be there for her when she comes home. Because that's what she needs.”

“I know. But she can't come home yet. I don’t know what I will do while I'm still in withdrawal. I’m afraid I will hurt her.”

“I believe in you Clarke.” Octavia assured with a soft squeeze before heading off.

End of Chapter 47