A True Alpha Chapter 49

Chapter 49

Clarke had done her best to distract herself since Octavia had left. She began with reaching out, messaging each teacher she had with attempts to reach out to and make up for any missed work. To the alpha's dismay, none of her teachers replied with any amount of haste. Not that it was much of a surprise, especially given that it was still before noon on Saturday morning. After twenty minutes of repeatedly refreshing her email inbox, Clarke hopped up off of her bed in a huff. She paced across the whole apartment impatiently, trying to do anything to keep her pounding head away from the thoughts of alcohol! Alcohol! Booze! Vodka! Anything to take the edge off. Her fingers even twitched when she remembered she had a couple grams of pot stocked away in a hidden compartment of her jewelry box. She couldn't help but pant frustratedly as her finger mimicked flicking a lighter. Next, she realized that her breath had begun actively mimicking the breaths she would be taking if she were smoking. “Fuck! No! Don't, don’t, don’t! Just Don’t!” Clarke lashed out at herself. But even yelling until her voice went would do nothing to soothe the impulses and urges which reduced to quiet within her hepatic head. Her anxious twitches and incessant thoughts only grew louder as time passed. Along with everything else her headache and shaking worsened. Clarke did her best to focus on anything else, but her aching mind fought back, drawing her back to how her pain was only growing.

Somehow she ended up back in the kitchen, feverishly downing glass after glass of water all as an attempt to make herself sick. A simultaneous attempt to rehydrate and to disgust herself with the idea of ingesting anything else. Her plan worked a little too well as she ended up puking her breakfast up into the sink only minutes later. Although her stomach surely now detested the idea of consuming anything, her head struck back with a vengeance. Her headache amplified severely, driving her back into bed. She hoped returning to the plush blankets and pillows of her bed would do something to soothe her pounding mind. 

Clarke however still couldn't find much relief, her head and still turning stomach kept her rolling back and forth on the bed, painfully awake, and focused on any and all substances which could soothe her aches. She screamed furious with her own weakness. 

Curling up tighter into a ball Clarke fought to hold herself together, her thoughts incessantly ruminating on how much she needed to drink, to smoke, to anything which would allow her to escape her weaknesses. Her nightmare however only worsened, cravings and self-doubt growing to an unignorable level. She truly began to despise herself as she rose from her bed, heading back towards the kitchen, thoughts of all the various drinks Octavia had adorning the kitchen shelf. Her heart sunk the moment she could see the bottles. Clarke knew what it would mean to pick up that bottle; If she gave in? Her hand shook most dramatically as she reached out, her fingers wrapping around the neck of the bottle hesitantly.

With one final hope to recover a modicum of restraint, she released the bottle, pulling her hand back. “I can't. I can't do this. I hurt Lexa.” Clarke reminded herself, tears falling. The alpha clung to the horrid knowledge, rallying around it each time her eyes flickered back towards the bottles seemingly staring her down. “Ok Clarke, just! Just stay busy! Yes? Yes! Stay busy Clarke. That's it! Just need to stay busy!” Clarke hyped herself up, attempting to stay focused on her main goal. Spinning around Clarke's eyes darted from surface to surface, item to item, desperate to find something to help occupy her mind. “Just gotta keep going. Just one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.” Her mind had already begun snapping back to things she would rather not think of. “Come on Clarke, you can do this. Come on!” She growled angrily to herself. Attempting to focus herself, Clarke attempted a grounding technique that Raven had taught her during her psych internship with the hope of helping mitigate the effects of Clarke's anxiety. “Ok, ok, ok. Five things I can see? Uugh!” Clarke's eyes snapped back to the bottles “Let's not just count the boose? Yes, umm! Stove, chair, dirty dishes, sofa, Raven's bra…” Clarke got a soft snicker out of the sight of Raven's bra casually stuck in between the couch cushions. “She really needs to get Octavia to learn till they get back to their room to start stripping her.” Clarke took two deep breaths before continuing. “Four things I can touch. Ok, ok. Cold granite countertop, soft chair cushion, hard metal chair, and smooth spoon I left out from breakfast.” Her breaths calmed further, her fingers calming as she slowly slid her fingers along each surface, doing her best to actually experience their texture as she did. “Uugh, hearing now! Clock ticking, faulty faucet dripping, and… the next door neighbor's tv. They should really turn that down if I can hear that in here.” She grumbled. “Now smell? Well certainly Lexa's rut, it's still clinging in the air from her going unsatisfied. And? Raven. I can smell Raven's pregnant scent.” Clarke whimpered, knowing she had hurt her friend, and while she was pregnant of all times!? Guilt only took Clarke over tor a moment before she decided on what she would do to keep her mind busy. 

The alpha scurried back and forth across the whole apartment, her arms beyond overflowing with various articles of clothing, pillows, blankets, and even a couple stuffed animals. Despite repeatedly tripping and falling down from trying to carry too much with each trip, Clarke still wore a stupid eager grin as she picked everything back up and returned to sprinting into Raven and Octavia's room, plopping down the load and repeating the process all over again. It might have been a whole dozen trips back and forth before Clarke felt like she had everything she needed. Once she had finished with step one, she decided to split it all up into two separate piles. 

Clarke took great care, testing the odor compilation of each pile, sorting and resorting each pile until they both had an ideal mix for Raven. Once satisfied, Clarke formed the first pile into a comfortable corner of the room. She tested it cautiously, careful not to get it too covered in her own scent as to avoid defeating the whole point. After the first one was complete, Clarke began the process again in the back of Raven and Octavia's closet, recreating the small haven she had once craved so desperately. 

To her own great relief, Clarke had taken up enough time for Octavia to return home. The alpha lept up from the small nest she had hobbled together, knowing it would be a little hard to explain why she was curled up in her friend's closet with a number of stolen articles of clothing. 

“Clarke?” Octavia called, protectively entering the apartment before she allowed either Lexa or Raven. “Clarke, you still home?” 

“Her car was still in the parking garage.” Lexa reasoned in a timid whisper. 

Octavia's eyes darted around, striving to find anything that could confirm or deny her assumption that Clarke could truly stay strong, and that she was ready for her family to return. 

“Is everything ok?” Raven worried impatient, clinging to Octavia from behind. 

“I… don't….” Octavia sighed defeated sighting one of her bottles moved slightly. “Fucking Christ Clarke.” The alpha complained, disappointed in herself for believing in her friend. 

“I'm here! What's up?!” Clarke rushed into the living room from the hallway off into O and Raven's room. 

“I?” Octavia stopped mid stomp towards the shifted liquor bottle. “You aren't drunk? Wait? Why were you over by our room?” 

“I… well I did a thing for Raven!” 

“Oooh! What'd you do for me!?” Raven cheered hopping into the appointment excited. 

“You… you brought Raven home?” Clarke glanced to Octavia, deeply doubting herself. 

“You didn't drink.” Octavia answered. 

“I… but!” 

“She didn't just bring Raven home, Clarke.” Lexa stepped in hesitant.

“Lexa!” Clarke jumped scared. 

“Hi.” Lexa waived her hand timidly, regretting that she had taken Octavia's word that it was time to come home already. 

“You… are you ok baby?” Clarke worried. “O… O told me that I… that you were hurt.” 

“I'm fine. “ Lexa's posture shifted protective of her self. 

“I… you did a thing for me?” Raven tried to lift the tension. 

“Y… yeah.” Clarke stammered. 

“You, you go ahead and show her whatever you did Clarke. I'll be in our room when you're done.” 

“It's still our room?” Clarke's eyes sparkled hopeful. 

Lexa didn't speak, keeping herself cautious and distant, fearful of expecting too much progress in so small a time only to be let down. 

“That… that's fair.” Clarke sighed, her heart sinking again as she watched Lexa walk off to her room. 

“So, how are you doing? Your tremors aren't too bad are they?” Raven moved to Clarke's side, taking trembling hands in her own with hopes to tame Clarke's clearly rising nerves. 

“It's better when I'm not focused on it.” Clarke attempted to pull away but her best friend wouldn't let her. 

“It's going to be ok.” 

Clarke looked back to her friend clearly still worried. 

“It will. It will be ok.” Raven repeated. “Now you had something for me?” 

“Yeah come on.” 

“It's a nest!?” Raven eagerly plopped down in the perfect little corner Clarke had hobbled together for her. The omega wrapped herself in a loose blanket, purring, overly ecstatic with the olive branch. 

“It's good?” 

“God it's amazing! How did you get it coated in so many of Octavia's things too?” 

“Well, I might have stolen some of her clothes when I was still pregnant. Aaaand some of yours too.” 

“I knew my clothes were going missing!”

“Please don't hate me!” 

“Mhmm for this? We are square.” 

“Really?” Clarke checked. 

“If you take care of yourself and go get that alpha of yours to forgive you too.” Raven's cutting eyes let loose reassurance that she was no longer quite so lackadaisical about the matter and that she was in fact incredibly worried for her friend. 

“Well then I take it I shouldn't tell you about the second nest I made you?” 

“There's a second one!?” 

“Yeah, for when you wanna be in your nest, but you wanna be alone?” 

“God you are the best Clarke! I love you a little!” 

“You love me a lot.” Clarke teased. 

“Don't push it!” Raven giggled and glared. 

“Yeah yeah.” Clarke smiled back, finally feeling like she didn't need anything to numb her again. Tragically, such a serene relief was not long-lived. It was only a moment later that Clarke remembered that she still had to face Lexa, and the sheer idea was enough to make her wish she could have another drink. 

“This is great! Lexa's uncle gave me a nice blanket, I was wanting to make a next with it. But this is perfect.” 

“Well, the other one is in the closet for when you wanna get away from everyone. Plus, because it is in the closet, you can still be completely surrounded in Raven's scent from all her clothes.” 

“Thank you!” Raven jumped up from the nest to grab Clarke in a large hug. “Really. Thank you Clarke.” 

“Thank you for forgiving me.” Clarke hugged back tightly. 

“Clarke. We… me, Octavia, and Lexa. We are your family.”

“Raven.” Clarke clung tighter to her friend. 

“Go get that alpha of yours, ok?” 

“Ok.” Clarke nodded into Raven's embrace. 

“It's gonna be ok.” 

“I really hope so.” 

“It will. Now go!” 

“Lexa?” Clarke knocked on Lexa's cracked door. 

“Yes Clarke?” Lexa answered sitting on the bed with her back to the door, flicking a picture over in her hands.

“What's that?” 

“Are you sober?” Lexa cut cold. 

“I'm hungover, but, no I haven't drunk anything today.” 

“Is it gonna stick this time?” 

“I…” 

“Or am I gonna end up back at my aunt and uncle's?” 

“I!” 

“Sobbing because my alpha! The woman who I love! Who should protect me! And you-” 

“I hurt you…” 

“You did.” Lexa answered. 

“This is your home Lexa. If… if you need I can leave. It's my fault and-” 

“Please don't.”

“I don't want to.” 

“Is this over?” 

“I… I want it to be. But it might be a good idea to get away from a home where Octavia's boose feels like it is daring me to play a staring contest that I will never win for a couple days.” 

“Ok.” 

“If you want, I can go to a hotel for a couple days, that way you don't have to deal with me while I-”

“Please don't Clarke. I want to be there for you.” 

“Yeah. But the last time that you tried that, I damn near threw you through a wall.” 

“And is that going to happen again?” 

“Never Lexa! Never! I! I can't explain how terrible I feel abou-”

“Ok.” 

“Ok?” 

“Ok.” 

“I… ok what?” Clarke trembled beyond just the tremors she had been experiencing all day. 

“Ok. I have somewhere we can go. Get away from all this.”

“Really?” 

“Yes Clarke.” Lexa's head dropped back down to the photo. 

“What is that?” Clarke asked again.

“It… it's a picture of the ultrasound you had.” 

“I…” 

“I've found a lot of comfort in it ever since what happened.” Lexa glanced back to Clarke. 

“You have.” 

“I have.” Lexa patted the bed next to her, welcoming her alpha to sit with her. 

“But…” Clarke moved to sit next to the alpha. “What is comforting of looking at what we lost?” 

“I don't think about it like that. Especially not lately.” Lexa passed off the picture with tattered edges. 

“How do you think about it?” 

“I use it to remember when we weren't fighting. When not everything felt like a petty little jab.” 

“That was a much better time wasn't it?” Clarke glanced at the picture before taking Lexa's hand. 

“It was.”

“Can we get back to that place?” 

“I really really want us to.” Lexa squeezed Clarke's hand. “I love you.” 

“I love you too.” 

“You know that when I said-”

“I know you didn't mean it.” 

“I really didn't.” 

“I love you.” Clarke rested her weary head on Lexa's shoulder.

“You don't need to be infallibly strong all the time, every day, constantly. You know that right? That just because you are an alpha… it doesn't mean you aren't allowed to be weak sometimes too.”

“I…” Clarke glanced to Lexa, her eyes pleading for permission to be weak, to be cared for, to have the love she didn't feel she deserved. 

“I love you. It will all be ok Clarke.” Lexa pulled Clarke down, allowing her to rest her head in her lap. “Everything will be ok. I promise baby girl.” Lexa stroked down Clarke's back. 

Clarke growled momentarily at the condescending title of baby girl, but quickly gave up on being angry and cuddled closer to Lexa's lap. 

“It will be ok. I promise.” 

“B… but how?” 

“Well. First? My aunt offered for us to go to her cabin for a weekend getaway. Just for you to be able to get away from all the vices, have some time to breathe, and allow us to reconnect.” 

“Really?” 

“Really.” Lexa whispered reassuringly. 

Clarke purred gently into her alpha's lap. 

“And… I don't know if you want it. But I had an appointment set up for you with Nyko for Friday. I called her the day after I learned you were drinking. I wanted it to be a surprise present for you getting sober.” 

“A doctor's appointment as a present?” 

“A doctor's appointment to get hormones Clarke.”

“You mean!?” Clarke turned over to see Lexa's face. 

“Yes. If you want. She said all she would need is blood work, and that you could start as early as the fifteenth.” 

“I… I can't believe…”

“But she won't prescribe anything if you show up falling down drunk Clarke.”

“Oh my god. I… Lexa! This is amazing! I can't believe you… you did this for me!” 

“Well, I haven't done anything yet. You need to do your half and get sober.” 

“I love you Lexa.” Clarke clung tight. 

“I love you too sweetheart. Now you wanna pack and head out to the cabin? Might be best to be isolated when the worst of the withdrawal hits.”

“Thank you.” Clarke wouldn't let go of her mate. 

“Come on, let's go. You can sleep on the ride upstate.”

“Thank you Lexa.”

“Of course Clarke. I love you, and I will always help my mate if I can.”

End of Chapter 49