A True Alpha Chapter 50

Chapter 50

Lexa made sure Clarke took some aspirin to help her get sleep on the bumpy car ride upstate to the cabin. Certain not to be outdone, she packed two blankets and three pillows. Her car wasn't the most comfortable, but it was something. Especially when she set the passenger seat all the way back and have Clarke the extra neck support of the extra pillows. This, however, didn't do anything to calm the alpha's seemingly horrific nightmares. Clarke would toss and turn in the passenger seat the whole ride. Lexa feared waking her mate, she didn't want to wake Clarke only to have her not be able to fall asleep once more or to scare her by waking her up at an inopportune time. Instead, all Lexa did was take Clarke's shaking hand in hers, doing her best to soothe Clarke even while the alpha was deep off in dreamland. With only the empty even I road to distract her, Lexa's mind ran wild. Her imagination was left to wander, conjuring up the most heinous nightmares she could possibly imagine Clarke enduring. Whatever Lexa was imagining was almost certainly worse than whatever mild horror Clarke's mind made up to torture itself. But such an idea would never dawn on Lexa, all she was capable of doing was holding Clarke's hand tighter and praying softly that no matter what Clarke was enduring, she could feel the loving hand in hers. It was of small comfort to Lexa, but the past few months has become entirely about such small comforts for her hadn't they? Whispering into a void that what minimal efforts she could apply would have even the slightest positive impact on the woman she loved. 

“I love you baby.” Lexa would whisper intermittently before raising Clarke's hand to leave a small kiss on the back of her palm. “I love you so much.” It was all she could do. But it did soothe her in a way, even if Clarke was dead asleep and couldn't hear a word, for Lexa it still meant a small world of difference. 

The sun was setting by the time Lexa pulled up to the cabin. It cast a beautiful orange hue over the thin layer of snow coating the grounds and cabin itself. “Clarke, Clarke you gotta see this.” Lexa cheered with a hushed tone. 

The alpha tossed in her seat, a thick layer of sweat coating her as she strained painfully still in sleep. 

“I…” Lexa stressed, unsure what to do until she witnessed Clarke's face scrunch up in pain once more. “Baby wake up.” Lexa pleaded softly, tracing her fingertips along the back of Clarke's hand with the intent of giving her a soft stir. 

“Ahh!” Clarke lept up, nailing her head on the roof of the car, immediately falling into tears as her screams continued. “Fuck!” Clarke panted, tears streaming down her face. 

“Fuck Clarke! Are you ok?” 

“Fuck fuck fuck, what happened? I… god why does my head hurt so bad?” 

“Well, I'm gonna go ahead and assume that is one part withdrawal, and two parts slamming your head on the car roof.” 

“Fuck… why?” 

“I'm sorry I woke you up. I wanted you to get to see the view before the sun set completely.” Lexa groaned regretfully. 

“I… it's beautiful.” Clarke gasped. 

“I! Are you ok?” 

“I mean I could use some more aspirin now, but… god, I'm really glad I grabbed my art supplies. The… the light on the ebbing winter's snow.” 

“Yeah. That's what I liked about it too.” Lexa relaxed. 

“It's breathtaking.” 

“Imagine it without a splitting headache.”

“As long as I don't have to imagine it without you.” Clarke took Lexa's hand in both of hers, holding it tight. 

“I love you so much.” Lexa melted, the small sign of affection all she had needed for the past months since Clarke had begun becoming so distant. 

“I love you too baby.” Clarke leaned over and kissed Lexa on the cheek. 

“You really to help me lug everything inside?” 

“No. I… I just really wanna sit here and enjoy the view for a little while.” 

“I like that idea too.” 

“I really can't believe you did all this. That you even set up an appointment for me to get hormones with Nyko. I… just…” 

“You aren't the only alpha in this relationship Clarke.” Lexa's smile widened smug.

“I know!” 

“You do huh?” 

“I… just…”

“I love you Clarke. But I am an alpha too. I enjoy providing and taking care of you just as much as you do me.” 

“You are right.” The alpha paused. “I… can I sit in your lap?” Clarke lifted her head. 

“I would love that baby.” Lexa pushed her seat back and then assisted Clarke onto her lap. “How's that sweetheart?” 

Clarke gave herself the freedom to submit, to not wallow in the guilt of it, and just enjoy. Everything of her biology reveled in the delight of lowering her head submissively and resting it in the crook of Lexa's neck. “God it's amazing.” Clarke whimpered softly, wrapping her arms around Lexa. “I… I…” Clarke didn't have the words, her instincts were too strong now that she was safe in her alpha's arms. 

“There there.” 

The flood gates broke. 

Lexa held Clarke close, tracing calming fingers down her back. With soft kisses to the top of Clarke's head, Lexa fulfilled everything Clarke needed, but couldn't bring herself to ask for. “It's going to be ok.” 

“Lexa… we lost her. I… I know it wasn't very far along, but… we lost our daughter.” 

“I know.” Lexa sniffled, holding tighter to Clarke. 

“How do you… how do we move forward from that!?” Clarke sobbed into Lexa. 

“Together. I… I don't know exactly how. But I know whatever the answer is, it begins with us doing it together.” 

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

“I'm so sorry!” 

“It's ok. It is all going to be ok baby girl. I know it is horrible. What we lost. But… I still have you, and you still have me Clarke.”

“Thank you Lexa.” 

“Thank you.” Lexa corrected. “I… cannot explain how much it means to me that you are finally being vulnerable with me like this again.” 

Clarke nuzzled gently at Lexa's neck, getting more comfortable in her lap. She was still crying, but her tears were finally slowing. 

“We are going to be ok.” Lexa whispered, massaging gently at Clarke's back. 

“Thank you Lexa.” 

Lexa hummed appreciative. Tapping on Clarke's back, Lexa raised one hand, pointing out how the sun’s last light shown through the trees. The two alphas adored the breathtaking scene, the light slowly thawing their isolated hearts. 

“I can't believe how beautiful it is.” 

“I can't believe it is almost as beautiful as my alpha.” Lexa pulled the hair from Clarke's face. 

Clarke looked up, unable to hide her giggles at the line. 

Lexa was quick to fall into the laughter as well. 

“I love you, even if you use pick up lines like that.”

“Well, I love you too.” Lexa looked up to witness the last licks of light languish and disappear. “You ready to head in? We should probably get everything moved into the cabin before we are completely out of light.”

“What, afraid of bears?” 

“Ok, you have never run into a bear in real life. It is fucking terrifying!” 

“What!? You've actually run into bears here?!” 

“Yeah! And I was twelve!” 

“I…” Clarke laughed awkwardly. 

“Oh yes. Now help me lug everything inside!” 

“Why did you drag me out here to get eaten by bears!” Clarke’s eyes nearly popped out of her head.

“Oh? Now, where's my strong alpha?”

“BITCH! Ain’t no alpha that can fight off a fucking bear!” 

“Welp, when you’re right, you’re right.” Lexa laughed with Clarke and gave her a quick kiss. “Now help me get everything inside before the bears go a huntin.”

Clarke purred and hugged Lexa tighter. “Sounds good baby.”

It only took them a couple of minutes to get their bags all piled up at the door to the cabin. The two shivered and shook the late winter air lingering longer than they would have previously anticipated even given the snow that covered the grounds.

“Oh my fucking god why is it so cold upstate!” Clarke complained shaking as they finally finished pulling everything inside.

“Just give me a couple minutes to get a fire going.” 

“Why did I think it would be warmer inside?!” 

“Fuck your right! God! Cuddle me for warmth.” Lexa's teeth chattered as she made her way to the fireplace. 

“Don't have to tell this alpha twice.” Clarke followed after Lexa, cuddling to her, desperate for any warmth she could get. 

“There's always something else we could do to stay warm.” Lexa hummed seductively. “I've always dreamt of making my mate cum by a fire.” 

Clarke giggled. “Baby, my head is killing me, I haven't showered in four days, and I spent most of those days fucking hammered.” 

“Yeah, but with all the shaking I won't have to do any work, gotta take advantage of the cold slash tremors combo while I can.” 

“Baby, I love you. But I don't want you to lose all sexual interest in me forever, so you aren't going anywhere near me without pants on until after I get a nice and very very long hot shower.” 

“Baby… you know there is nothing you could do that would make me lose interest in you like that.” 

“Umm, you ha-” 

“Yes! Got it!” Lexa interrupted, cheering as a fire ignited.

“Fucking Christ yes!” 

“There we go!” Lexa puffed get chest out, proud of providing warmth. “Now, you get all warmed up, and I'll get the furnace kicked on too. That way we'll have hot water in the morning.”

“My savior!” Clarke let go and immediately curled up next to the burgeoning fire. 

Lexa growled back pleased before heading off. 

“Mhmm yeah… thanks baby.” Clarke yawned, patting at the furs layed out in front of the fire. Her eyelids heavied hastily, homy heat from the beautiful growing fire. “I… mhmm” Clarke grew weak, her head still pounding, but everything else about the cabin was more than enough to offset any headache. “God… so nice.” She curled up on the soft furs. 

Lexa returned not long after, wearing even more pride. It was only slightly disheartening at first for her to see her mate already out like a light. But once she got a good look at the beautiful alpha snoring softly, everything was worth the travel upstate. Lexa hadn't seen Clarke so peaceful in a long time. Delighted to see Clarke so relaxed, Lexa found two pillows and a blanket from the bed, bringing them to the floor, gently raising Clarke's head and slipping a pillow under. “There you go love. We don't need your neck getting sore too.” She then layed down with Clarke and pulled the blanket over them both, cuddling up to Clarke. It had been a very long day, from the early morning drive to her aunt's to returning home, and now the drive upstate. But if it actually worked? If the time away would actually do anything for Clarke? It would all be infinitely beyond worth it. 

Clarke was up by three am. Although sleeping so much had its benefits, it all lead to a less than regular schedule. 

Regretfully, this also happened to mean Lexa was up by three O one am. Clarke was whining and screaming, pounding her fists on the ground almost hard enough to shatter her knuckles. “Fuck, fuck, fuck!” Clarke grunted, fighting all of her urges and cravings. Her whole body was revolting on her, fighting and ordering her to it back up with the substance she so suddenly lacked. 

Everything hurt; it burned. The room spun, and Clarke’s entire existence felt like it was attempting to stage a coup on her. Nothing of her body was stable, but for all Clarke could tell was that it seemed like the continental plates had ruptured and destabilized from under her; or as if they had flipped entirely and still haven't found any semblance of equilibrium, sending her tumbling like a ragdoll.

“Clarke! Baby!” The only essence of stability Clarke could sense was Lexa’s hand on her back, and an arm wrapped around her.

“Fuck!” Clarke wretched, her stomach turning on her nearly as severely as gravity had.

“Bucket! Uugh! Bucket!” Lexa stammered, turning from her position next to Clarke rapidly in search of something to offer Clarke.

“Damnit! Uugh!” Clarke fought back a heave.

“It will be ok baby.”

“I… Where’s the bathroom!” 

“You think you can make it?” Lexa worried more by the moment as she couldn't find a bucket or a trashcan or anything of any sort to help Clarke in the cabin she hadn't been to in almost a decade.

Clarke groaned and grumbled as the ground seemed to have flipped once more. Before she could bring herself to say anything the whole of nothing she had eaten came up along with a searing cocktail of stomach acids.

“Fuck.” Lexa sighed, watching on as her aunt’s faux furs were ruined in one fell upchuck.

“D… damnit, I’m sorry.” 

“It’s ok. Let's get you to the bathroom. The water should be warm by now.” 

“O… Ok.” Clarke whimpered feeling like hell all over again.

“Come here love.” Lexa helped Clarke up, pulling the alpha’s arm over her shoulder, and assisting her towards the bathroom. 

“I’m sorry.”

“It will all be ok. Just try to breathe. I know it is rough but you can get through this.” 

“Thank you Lexa.” 

“Ok, here we go!” Lexa fought to open the door while still juggling her mate.

“Tha-” Clarke dry heaved, cutting herself off.” 

“Fuck. I, that is not a good sign.” 

“Sorry.”

“No, it just means that you are dehydrated.” Lexa put the back of her hand to claire's forehead, putting her down and lining her up with the sink. “God and you are burning up!”

“Yeah, freezing to fire, and only a nap away at any given time.” Clarke snarked.

“Don't worry love, just let me get you a damp washcloth and a glass of water. That should help.”

“Thank you.” Clarke grabbed Lexa’s hand and held to it before Lexa could leave.

“It will all be ok.” Lexa had more than a small amount of trouble watching mental tracks from protect and help to anything else.

“Thank you, you don't need to be doing this. Takin-” Clarke heaved again. “Care of me.” 

“We need to get some fluids back into you love.” Lexa sighed pulling away. “And I know, but… I want to. Even the strongest of alpha needs their mate to take care of them once in a while.” Lexa rushed off, returning a minute later to see Clarke heaving all over again. “Here.” Lexa folded a damp slightly cold washcloth and draped it gently over the back of Clarke’s neck.

Clarke yelped at the slight cold at first, but it quickly became of immense comfort.

“There you go baby. Now lay back.” Lexa assisted, easing Clarke back against the wall. “Here, one for your forehead too.” 

“God, that is a lot better.

“Good. Now here’s a glass of water.”

Clarke drank greedily, only to have Lexa pull the glass back down.

“Go slow, going too fast will only upset your stomach more.” 

“I… yeah, sorry.”

“You are shaking really bad.”

“Yeah, that's what happens Lexa.”

“Sorry. I know that.” Lexa shook her head shamefully.

“It’s ok.” Clarke’s shaky hand took Lexa’s reassuringly.

“How are you doing?” 

“I… Everything hurts. My head is killing me.”

“Well, you do have a nice little welt on your forehead from me waking you up when you got here.” 

“Greaaat? Just my luck.”

“Sorry love.”

“It’s ok.” Clarke sighed. “And I feel absolutely disgusting.”

“Well, the water is hot, if you are ready for that shower.”

“That sounds… fucking heavenly.” 

“Well, I can get something hobbled together to eat while you clean up. They don't have all that much here, but I know they keep the freezer stocked. Plus there is often a small garden with something fresh in back.”

“It's not that I doubt your kitchen biased prowess, but I’m not sure I’m up to eating anything right now baby.” Clarke whimpered.

“Well. One way or another, you need to eat. You need strength to get through this.”

“Love you. Maybe I'll have some type of an appetite once I've showered.”

“That's the attitude. Take care, I’ll rustle up some grub.”

Lexa made her way off to take an inventory of everything they had to make a meal of. It was more than a disappointment to find that all they had in the way of food in the cabinets were a number of poorly aging and slightly dented cans of vegetables, chili, spam, rice, beans, tortilla chips, and powdered eggs. The pickings were sparse at best. “Well, at least none of it is about ready to pop with botulism?” 

With only the vaguest of plans forming in her mind’s eye, Lexa headed outside to scavenge for anything fresh that winter hadn't gotten to already. An armful of tomatoes, a pair of peppers, cilantro, an onion, and some garlic were all Lexa needed to make her decision as for what to make the pair for… Either a very late midnight snack or an incredibly early breakfast. “Hopefully something with a vague hint of freshness will make powdered eggs edible.”  

Lexa was already cooking her heart out, doing her absolute best to foster something with a satisfying flavor when she heard a worrying thud from the bathroom. “Clarke?” Lexa’s head popped up from the cutting board.

No response came but Lexa could swear she heard softer thuds coming.

“Clarke?” Lexa dropped her knife. “Clarke? Baby? What’s wrong I heard something?” Lexa’s mind went to dark places quickly. But such dark places only grew darker when there was no reply once more. “Clarke?” Lexa knocked on the bathroom door. “Baby? Tell me that this old cabin just makes some peculiar creaks and moans?”

The arrhythmic thuds grew louder.

Lexa wasn't capable of waiting another moment. She opened the door frantic, and damn near fell apart when she didn't see the silhouette of her mate beyond the shower curtain. It was then that she heard the noises with enough clarity that she understood what was happening. 

“Clarke! Clarke wake up!”

“W… What? What's going on? Fuck… my-”

“Is it your head!” Lexa yelled frantically.

“Well, now it's my ears.”

“You fucking asshole! Not funny!” 

“I fell on my ass, not on my head.”

“You didn't just fall Clarke.”

“I-” 

“You had a seizure.” 

“I... “ 

“I’m not letting you outta my damn sight again till the shaking is gone completely.” 

“Isn’t that a bit much Lexa?” 

“When you could have another seizure and collapse? You could get hurt again, but only way worse than this time. What if you had landed on your head and not that beautiful ass of yours?” 

“Aww you just love using those terrible lines of yours while I’m all helpless in your arms don't you?” 

“Guilty. But also I’m incredibly worried for you.”

“It’s ok. Being adorable is a good thing to be guilty of.” Clarke leaned up and kissed the alpha hovering worriedly above her.

“Did you get satisfactorily clean?”

“Yeah? But I think I still have some conditioner to get out of my hair.” Clarke sighed.

“Well then here.” Lexa set up the two washcloths from earlier on the edge of the tub and then assisted Clarke over towards it.

“I can move still you know?”

“You had a seizure.” Lexa glared unamused.

“One seizure and you won't let a girl move on heroin?” 

“Yup that's the deal!” 

Clarke growled contrastingly.

“Deal with it. You scared me, so now I wanna take extra care of you.”

Clarke didn't allow her to growls to die out.

“Oh calm down big bad lil alpha. You’ll like what comes next.” 

“Why’s that?” Clarke squinted at Lexa as she stood and grabbed the shower head.

“Calm down. You will enjoy.” Lexa casually undid a button of her shirt.

“I’m certainly starting to like it already.” 

“Yeah, yeah.” Lexa chuckled, straddling Clarke’s lap and turning on the water. 

Clarke purred pleased as Lexa’s cleavage showed just the perfect amount.

“Here we go.” Lexa whispered, kissing Clarke softly, stroking her hair and rinsing it miraculously. “I've always thought it was rather intimate.”

“Thought what was intimate?” 

“Cleaning someone’s hair. Stroking my fingers through my mate’s hair. Massaging their scalp.” 

“Oh, that is… That is nice.” 

“That's my girl.” Lexa intentionally pressed her chest gently against Clarke’s face under the pretext of rinsing the tips of her hair.

“You… you were right.” 

“Course I was, what alpha does not enjoy having their mate straddle them and press their boobs into their face.” 

Clarke nipped gently at Lexa’s exposed flesh.

Lexa returned with a seductive moan.

“You were very right.” Clarke nuzzled Lexa’s bosom.

Lexa fought herself to focus, her body craving her mate, but logic winning through. “Good. I’m glad you enjoyed, but it is time to get you some food.” 

“NOOO!” Clarke nipped and whimpered, desiring more of her alpha.

“Eat, and then maybe we can continue.”

“Tease.” Clarke nipped at Lexa’s neck in protest.

“How is your stomach by the way?” Lexa stood, and offered a hand to Clarke.

“I… am actually starting to get hungry, yeah!” Clarke took the hand, hopping up to her feet with the help of her mate. 

“Good, you, get your clothes on, and give me a couple minutes to cook everything. Ok?” 

“Sounds good love.” Clarke gave Lexa a kiss before they parted ways again but only for a moment.

“Ok, that is not a good sign!” Clarke pointed towards the sizeable tin labeled egg crystals.

“Oh shut up, it will be tasty.” 

“Powdered eggs?” Clarke stuck out her tongue. “I really thought the plan was to get me to keep some food down. Not to keep it out.” 

“Oh come on, give me a chance first ok?” Lexa pouted playfully.

Clarke gave dubious eyes, but yielded hasily anyways. “Fine, but only cause you are such a good cook.”

“Thank you.” Lexa returned a soft smile. “How are you feeling?”

“Oh? You mean aside from my sore ass?”

“You are lucky! It could have been a lot worse Clarke.”

“I know.”

“Good. Now eat up, huevos rancheros.” Lexa slid a plate in front of Clarke.

“I’ll admit, I've never eaten, or even seen huevos rancheros, but I have a strong feeling that this isn't quite it.” Clarke doubted.

“Uugh, just try it. Worst case scenario, you can just have some of the canned chili on its own, but I am hoping all this together will be stomachable for you. It’s got a decent amount of protein, and it should keep you going decently well if you keep it down.”

Clarke tried a bite hesitantly, then another, a perplexed look lingering. 

“Well?” 

“You are giving me yours too.” 

“Pfft! No! Mine!” Lexa guarded her plate giggling.

“I love you.”

“I love you too baby. A… are you ok?”

“Yeah… totally.” Clarke lied, looking down to her food as she slowly scooped up another bite. 

“No, you aren't. Now talk to me.” 

“I'm fine.” 

Lexa growled and glared. 

“The seizures are scary. Ok?”

“Tell me about it.” 

“No, you tell me about it! The last time I had a seizure like that… I ended up in the hospital.”

“Seizures are serious Clarke. If you had hit damn near anything but that bubble butt of yours, I probably would have taken you to the hospital too.” 

“Don't.” 

“Look. I know that you don't love hospitals, but if I need to take you to one… I will. Just like…” 

“Yeah.” Clarke looked away. “Does this place have a tv or something.” 

“Clarke please don't shut me out.” 

“I don't wanna have this conversation Lexa.” 

“Clarke.” 

“Lexa, please. Not now.” 

“Clarke, trying to avoid this is what got you into this mess.” 

Clarke huffed, scanning the living room in a hopeful search for a television.

“Please Clarke.” 

“What do you even want me to say about it?” 

“Anything. Just… don't shut me out?”

“You know why I don't like hospitals. And… what I… we lost last time I was in one doesn't help at all. Ok?” 

“Do you forgive me?”

“Wha-!” Clarke choked on her eggs.

“I… Are you still holding it against me? That I made that decision. That I didn't wait for you to wake up. Leave the choice up to you and risk multiple operations?”

Clarke chewed silent.

“There’s a tv over there in the den.” Lexa dropped her fork gesturing towards a television which seemed to blend into its surroundings in the dark. “Remote is under it. I’m going to take some time in the study.”

“Y- your food!” Clarke stammered, breaking her silence as Lexa walked away. 

“You wanted it. You can have it. Just pace yourself. And… maybe only stand around soft stuff?” 

”Lexa.” 

“I just, I just need some time.”

“Lex-”

“No Clarke.” Lexa picked up the soiled furs on her way towards the study, knowing she would need something to help keep her mind occupied. 

Clarke however, knew she needed to think. To mull over exactly how she felt about everything that had become of her and Lexa. Whether or not she could ever truly or completely forgive Lexa. Clarke knew she had barely done anything to accept it, much less forgive Lexa. Lexa had taken such a huge decision from her! But it had been with the intent to protect her… No… That wasn't why was it? Lexa wasn't worked up in an angry protective huff at any point throughout the whole endeavor. Clarke grumbled, her mind growing cloudy with confused thoughts. But If it wasn't to be protective… then why didn't Lexa wait? Why couldn't she have just let the doctors perform the smaller operation first and give her the chance to decide for herself! It would have been so easy just to wait! What stopped her! Lexa must have known how important this decision was to her. 

Clarke had almost finished her plate completely, still fuming in between bites when it truly dawned on her. She may have passingly thought that lexa was ‘just scared’ but she never understood the roll Lexa’s fear really played in the decision. Brimming with regret Clarke grabbed Lexa’s dinner, following after her. “Lex? Lexa? Baby?” 

“I need time alone Clarke.” 

“I have a question.”

“It’s a tv Clarke, the power button turns it on.”

“Not about that Lexa!” Clarke snapped frustrated, locating the door that separated her and Lexa.

“What is it!” Lexa stormed up to the door in a huff, opening it angrily, only to jump back aghast at Clarke being right there on the other side of the door. 

“You did it because you were terrified.”

“Of course Clarke. You are my alpha. What would I do if I had lost you? I… I need my alpha.”

“I forgive you.” Clarke grabbed Lexa’ clinging tight to her. “I forgive you, and I'm sorry it took so long, and I'm sorry that the first thing I did was push you away… That I made you think you were going to lose me all over again.”

“Thank you. That really means a lot Clarke.” 

“What happened to not leaving my side till my tremors stopped?” Clarke whimpered clinging to her mate.

“I… I won't, I won't, I promise.” Lexa stroked her hands down Clarke’s back, kissing her neck and cheek gently. “I love you, and if you want, I won't let go until you stop shaking.”

“I like that idea.” Clarke nuzzled. “But I did grab you your breakfast. You need to eat too.” 

“How about we go, cuddle up on the couch, flip that tv on, watch something, and I will eat as my alpha holds me?”

“I like that idea a lot.” Clarke cooed.

The two clung to each other all the way to the couch, swapping gentle kisses and nuzzles lovingly even up until they plopped down together. They didn't take long to find some generic romantic comedy on Netflix to cuddle close to each other during. Things hadn't been so calm in far too long. Although neither of them spoke of it, they both knew it was an egregious mistake to allow so much distance to sprout and grow between them. Clarke was damn near loathsome of herself. She couldn't believe what she had done to them; to Lexa. Clarke despised it, but she knew the truth of the matter was that there was nothing she could ever do to fully repay the alpha who had stuck with her through so much. Whether or not Clarke could successfully repay Lexa, she knew the best way to move forward is to just do her best to be there for Lexa, and repay one day at a time. 

Lexa yawned, turning her drowsy little head to nuzzle her alpha as the movie wound down. 

“Alpha tired?” 

“Alpha exhausted.” Lexa whimpered.

“My beautiful alpha.” Clarke kissed at Lexa’s neck.

“Are you feeling ok? I… I know this has been a stressful week… and I haven't made it any better.”

“It has been stressful, but I’m not the one who is still going through withdrawal.” 

“Getting some food and water really helped. My head isn't great, I’m still shaky, and I feel like someone kicked my ass, but I’m feeling a lot better right now. In fact, I’m feeling… a little…” Clarke slipped her hands down Lexa’s core.

“Are you now love?” Lexa shifted slightly, adjusting herself to allow Clarke better access.

“Yes, I am.” 

“I don't want you to push yourself.”

“I’m not. I want to… show you just how much I forgive you.” Clarke slipped her hands along the inside of Lexa’s legs and pulled them apart with a gentle seductive touch

Lexa growled back. “If you are showing appreciation, then don't tease me.”

“I’m not love.” Clarke traced her fingertips along the sensitive flesh of Lexa’s inner thighs.

“Yes… you are!” Lexa’s head slipped back with a longing moan. 

“ I love this beautiful mark of yours.” Clarke kissed over the extra sensitive flesh, her finger nimble as they undid Lexa’s pants.

“Clarke.” Lexa whined slightly.

“That’s my girl. My beautiful, beautiful girl.” Clarke nipped and teased at the bite scar.

Lexa nipped at air impatiently, her pants finally slipping off.

“Aww, does the poor little alpha wanna bite at me too?” Clarke timed her nips growing more aggressive perfectly as she traced two fingers along Lexa’s lips. “So wet aren't you?” 

Lexa gasped and panted, desperate for more. 

“I love you.” Clarke traced along Lexa's hood. 

“Asshole.” Lexa shuttered the word in a breathless moan. 

“What's wrong?” 

Lexa's hands gripped to Clarke's thighs which were wrapped around her. 

“Gotta use your words if you want more.” Clarke traced her nose up Lexa's neck, her hot breath damn near ruining the alpha in her arms. Clarke's middle finger tauntingly brushed against Lexa's clit just at the peak where it was unsheathed. 

“Fuck!” Lexa's hips bucked forward, her body reacting, and defying her will. “C… C… Clarke! It's been so long since we!” Clarke repeated the perfectly torturous graze. Lexa lost control of her hips once more, wantonly bucking up for more of her alpha's touch. 

“Since we what?” 

“Since we had sex Clarke!” Lexa's alpha biology hadn't been affected quite the same as Clarke's. After what they had lost, Lexa's inner alpha was quick to wish to try again, her instincts either unaware or uncaring of the damage Clarke's body had sustained. Being all but ignored, her body only grew more and more agitated. Pent up beyond comprehension, Lexa’s rut without Clarke had been hell, and now that she finally had her alpha attending to these carnal needs? Lexa was putty for Clarke to toy with as she pleased. 

“Just like that love. I love it when I get to watch you enjoy yourself.” Clarke gently eased Lexa into more, easing a finger along her entrance.

“Clarke!” Lexa’s rising embarrassment at the excess of evidence that her arousal was approaching unbearable only served to amplify the issue. Her heated slick slipping down the inside of her thighs left her feeling deliciously weak at even the simplest of Clarke’s touches. “Been so long.”

“I know. I missed it so bad love. I missed you.” Clarke assured, her free hand calmingly soothing over Lexa’s tummy reassuringly.

“I…” Lexa panted, having a hard time calming thoughts that seemed to be fighting the hurricane of arousal that the pads of her mate’s fingers brought her. 

“What is it love?” Clarke slowed, but didn't stop, no longer leaving Lexa with teasing strokes, and now just sensuous comforting ones.

“I missed you too.” Lexa turned her head and pressed her forehead and weary eyes into Clarke’s neck. The death grip she had on her alpha’s thighs loosened.

“Do you want me to stop?”

“Please don’t. I don’t want you to stop.”

“Ok. Ok. I'm right here.” Clarke kept her pace, Lexa’s breathy moans almost hiding her tears. Almost.

“T… Thank you.”

“Lexa you are crying.” Clarke’s free hand did its best to soothe the distraught alpha in her arms. 

“It’s fine. Just please don’t stop.” Lexa fought to seal her eyes and hide her weakness. Just as Clarke’s ministrations began to slow, Lexa’s hand shot up to hold Clarke’s. “Please don’t stop.” Lexa repeated.

“Ok, ok, I won’t.” The two exchanged squeezes at each other's hands, slowly intertwining digits. “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” 

“You fucking better not!” Lexa panted a worrying mixture of soft sobs and aroused exasperation. 

“I’m not.” Clarke slowly picked up just the slightest amount of speed and depth in her strokes. 

“Clarke!” Lexa half screamed half sobbed.

“You are safe. I’m safe, we are together. Nothing can change that.” Clarke whispered. 

“I… I thought I was going to lose my alpha Clarke.”

Clarke growled protectively. “No! You aren't, you didn't, and you won't lose me.” Without realizing it, Clarke’s touches had become much faster and stronger. Her hand was almost entirely coated in Lexa’s loving appreciation.

“Clarke!” Lexa screamed, her spare hand finding Clarke’s thigh again, clinging to it, cheating Clarke on as best as she could while entrenched in ecstasy.  

“Do you want to? You can if you want, but you don't have to.”

“Please! Keep going! Just like that!” Lexa buried her nose into Clarke’s neck, right against her scent gland, the odor of her mate. Her mind swirled, the tears still flowing, but she didn't have the spare processing power to focus on her tears anymore, all of her free mental ram chugged along attempting to keep her mind together as Clarke continued. Whether or not Lexa understood it at the moment, the tears were not something bad, despite their seemingly being out of place. The tears eased her processing her emotions, soothed and released the hurt she had ignored for months. 

“That's it, right there love.” Clarke whispered to Lexa as she tensed, rising from the couch slightly to meet her climax. “Feel good love, let it release.” Clarke stroked one thumb over the back of Lexa’s palm, and the other over her clit. 

Lexa broke, her voice degrading in an orgasmic scream, her whole body cycling between tense and relax. The pleasure blinded her, leaving her lost in that beautiful relief. She whimpered, lungs completely vacant of anything but the pheromones of her mate. All she could still feel was Clarke against her, the loving arm wrapped around her, Clarke’s fingers easing her out of her mind-shattering aftershocks. Then, it was all Clarke’s loving lips on Lexa’s. Loving lasting kisses of longing linked lovers lamenting loss, lingering in lust.  

Clarke only allowed the kiss to break so she could remedy the silence. “You will never lose me. I am your alpha, and you are mine. I will protect you when you need support. And I know you will do the same for me.”

“I will.” Lexa smiled softly, resting her head on Clarke’s chest. 

“Are you ok?” 

“I needed a good cry.” Lexa looked up to Clarke, the tears back already.

“You are allowed to cry.”

“I know, just… that doesn't stop me from feeling weak when I do it.” 

“The last thing in the world that you are is weak.” 

“You know that goes double for you. Especially now? I know it isn’t easy for you Clarke but you are being amazingly strong.” Lexa turned onto her side, moaning as her legs closed, putting pressure on her still sensitive slit.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Clarke hugged Lexa close.

“Nothing to be sorry for my love.” Lexa purred softly, her exhaustion catching up to her. “I’m proud of you. I know it's only been a day and a bit, but you are fighting, and that’s why I’m proud.”

“Sleep love. You are tired… But… Thank you.”

“Ok… ok baby.” 

“Good girl. Sleep. We need Sleep.” 

Their second attempt at sleep went much smoother. The couch wasn't the most comfortable makeshift bed in the world, especially considering the cabin had two actual beds. But that didn't change how well they slept in each other's arms. There really is no greater pillow than the person you love. The two stayed there, curled up in each other's arms well past noon. Clarke didn't give much thought to sleeping in so late, but Lexa was beyond grateful. Lexa was relieved to have garnered some extra sleep after so many long and draining days. But the true treasure of having slept in so late was that it was that many fewer hours she had to stress about Clarke’s withdrawal. Day two began with another round of huevos rancheros served with a much-needed dose of extra strength aspirin for Clarke’s headache. Lexa could see that her alpha was putting up a strong showing for her, but she could also see the pain behind the beautiful blue eyes staring back at her. Even after everything she had been through… Seeing that pain, so well hidden, but still, there was the first thing that truly threatened to break her. Clarke continued to play tough, act as if she weren’t hurting at all, cuddling to Lexa for the support she needed as she needed it. It wasn't easy, but she made it through the brunt of the second day with what would have appeared to be ease to anyone who didn't know her, but when her stomach turned on her once more. The ‘I strong alpha and can handle anything’ act seemed to fade fast as her stomach fought her through every moment of her evening into the night. 

Somehow, Lexa actually preferred Clarke allowing herself to be weak. Not that she was happy about Clarke being sick and puking so much, but… having to watch Clarke burry and conceal her pain was anything but easy to watch.

“Fuck, Lexa. I'm so sorry!”

“No no, it is all ok love.” Lexa pulled Clarke’s hair back, running her fingers through Clarke’s locks gently with one hand and rubbing her back with the other.

“You shouldn't have to sit here with me on the bathroom floor while I hug the toilet for hours at a time.” 

“No, no, it’s ok.” Lexa rested her cheek on Clarke’s back.

“You really don't have to sit here with me.”

“Clarke, that is why we came out here, so you had a safe place to do this, where I could help you without temptation around. I want to be here for you. I would rather you let yourself show your pain than hide it.” Lexa wrapped her arms around Clarke. “Let me be your alpha, don't just try to pretend it is all ok.” 

Clarke layed her arms over Lexa’s adoring the warmth. “I’m so cold. I’m cold but it feels like so much of me is on fire. Like everything is trying to burn me for not giving in.”

“You… you are so fucking strong.”

“Yeah, I feel downright herculean. If I were any stronger… I just might be able to lift my arms above my head without using the toilet to keep them up.” 

“I mean it. You are amazing, and you are so strong.” Lexa nuzzled Clarke’s back.

“Thanks. On the bright side, I think my stomach has called off its mutiny.”

“Good. Now, how about a nice warm bath?” 

Clarke swooned at the simple idea. 

“That's it, huge clawfoot tub, your alpha’s arms wrapped around you, nice warm water, soothing all those achy bones? Doesn't that sound nice?”

“Can I cum from descriptions of baths?” 

Lexa reached over Clarke turning on the water. “Well let's find out.” 

“Mhmm, you saint!” 

“Bubble bath.” 

Clarke moaned.

“Epsom salts.”

“Dear gods be kind.” 

“Lavender essential bath oils.” Lexa whispered breathily into Clarke’s ear.

“Oh! right there.” 

“By candle light” 

“Oh! God! I’m gonna!”

“Purple, bath, bomb.”

“Ahh! Lexa! Lexa! I think I!”

“And the Oscar for best fake orgasm goes to…”

“Ah! Me! No! I couldn't! I’d just like to thank all the delightful baths that got me here.” Clarke looked around playing wide-eyed award recipient.

“I’m so proud of my alpha.” Lexa kissed Clarke’s cheek before gathering everything and plopping it into the tub filling with water. She then followed up by lighting a number of candles that adorned the bathroom. Turning off the lights Lexa turned back to Clarke. “How’s that?” 

“I don't know who is sexier, you or the bath.” 

Lexa raised a contesting brow.

“You know the answer is you.” 

“Better be.” Lexa huffed.

“Love you baby. Now, let's get settled in the tub?” 

“I like that idea.” Lexa scooped Clarke up in her arms and dropped her gently into the tub.

Clarke growled, unpleased with being picked up so casually.

“Yeah yeah, growl away Ms. Herculean.” 

“God, it is nice tho.” 

“Well, I’m glad. My alpha deserves a nice bath.” Lexa slipped in behind Clarke, wrapping her arms and legs around the alpha lovingly. “Mine.”

“Yours.” Clarke kissed Lexa’s hands. “Mine.”

“Yours.” Lexa returned. 

The bath was beautiful and relaxing, everything they needed to prepare them to head off to bed after they were all clean and dry. Day three was comparatively a breast. Not because the symptoms of withdrawal had faded or disappeared, but because both Lexa and Clarke had actually begun talking to each other once again, coming to each other when they needed support. They spent most of their time cuddled together, conversing over all the things they missed in their time apart, healthy ways to cope in the future. As the hours of their last day out in the wilderness grew towards the night Clarke’s headache faded, and she actually slowly began to feel almost normal again,

“I'm really proud of you for making it through all this Clarke.” Lexa introduced as they prepped for bed, all their bags packed, ready to head home early the next morning.

“I… I’m glad that I could do it.” Clarke hummed with more pride than she would ever admit to.

“I, so, I, umm, I got you something Clarke.”

“Huh?”

“Well, I bought it the day you got sick. But I never got to give it to you…”

“Ok.”

“And, I brought it with us up here, and I thought it would be a nice congratulations on getting sober present?” 

“Ok. So, What’d you get me?”

End of Chapter 50