december 2020

hi everyone. it's another month -- the last month of 2020.

i made an update after rescheduling, but in case you didn't see it, my surgery got moved to april due to covid-19 concerns. this means i'll be working regularly in december, mainly. can't say for sure it will happen in april; i might push it to may just because of a class i'm going to be taking and for a little extra reassurance.

my output this year has been really slow and poor and i think it's because i stopped taking any medication for my adhd in february. the pandemic hit america in tandem with me moving to a new state, so i've been kind of afraid and lost about how to pursue it again.
i thought maybe i could just function without it -- and, to be fair, i'll have pushed out a little over 25 pages without meds this year -- despite the fact that most of my career has been on medication, and worse off of it... both my PCP and the psych that i saw were not properly licensed to prescribe adhd medication because of oklahoma-specific restrictions, apparently, but i'm thinking about bothering a clinic in my town and seeing if i can test out medication again for 2021.
i've done this repeatedly, it feels very easy to tell myself i'm faking my symptoms or to forget they exist when i can treat them as needed with meds, so i am sorry for spending Literally This Entire Year once again going through this cycle. i say this because it played a massive part in when i "ran out" of medication -- i came to oklahoma with several MONTHS worth of adderall on my person, then convinced myself i didn't need it and having it around would only weaken my willpower, and promptly gave it away without touching the supply at all around may.
i don't know, i am honestly really disappointed in myself and what the year has been. even the amount of personal art i made was minuscule. i'm hoping that it can at least teach me something so next year is not identical.

okay, so with that out of the way, i'm not sure if there's a lot of other news. i am more than a little relieved about the election results, but there is still a lot to do (all the time forever, etc). since it is getting colder this month i will suggest saving money you would donate to those weird salvation army bell ringers and giving it to a local food pantry or shelter.

chanukkah will be this month, but i will be working through it, so it isn't really an issue for how productive i will be, just kind of like happy chanukkah if you celebrate it i guess.

that's everything, will put a poll up for this month maybe and a q&a if my swiss cheese brain can remember to do it.
thank you for your patience, and good fucking bye to 2020!