Cycle 1-8: Middle of Nowhere

Kaitlyn hunched over a fold-out desk, shifting uncomfortably in the poorly-cushioned seat. Around her, hundreds of other students had adopted a similar posture, heads down in concentration. The occasional sound of a page turning was the only interruption in the soft cacophony of scribbling pencils.

She stared down at the page in front of her.

An organism of 2n=6 undergoes meiosis and yields four gametes. One pair of gametes contains n = 4 chromosomes while the other pair contains n = 2 chromosomes. During which phase of meiosis did an error most likely occur?

1. Anaphase I
2. Metaphase II
3. Anaphase II
4. Interphase

I… I don’t remember. Her mind was blank with panic. Maybe B? Or does B just sound familiar? It could be A too, but it sounds so similar to C… Gritting her teeth, she bubbled in an answer and moved on.

This was her third exam, and it was somehow going even worse than the first two. At least with Stats and Calculus she had gotten Philip’s help. After a few more tutoring sessions, even she had learned something. So despite the difficulty and time constraints, there were occasional questions she knew how to do.

That wasn’t to say the exams had been easy though. There were a lot of questions that she had simply guessed at, and she was certain that she had made mistakes in some of the ones she knew how to do anyway. Still, it wasn’t as much of a shutout as she had expected. Well, I hope not. We’ll see when results come out.

But this Biology exam was exposing just how poor her independent studying had been. Of the little material she had managed to cover, most of it flew straight out of her head as soon as the exam started. What small portion had stayed seemed to be completely irrelevant to the exam at hand. At least, she hadn’t seen any questions on that stuff yet.

She tried desperately to keep her breathing steady. This was way worse than any exams she had ever taken in her past life. It’s ok. It’ll be ok. It’s still a game. I can’t fail that bad in a game, right? It wouldn’t let me do that poorly. This has gotta be where those isekai advantages come in.

Kaitlyn closed her eyes and exhaled. Then, she hunched back over her exam.

***

A few days later, Kaitlyn was hunched over a desk once again. This time, however, it was over the desk in her dorm, hands gripping fistfuls of her own hair.

Midterms hadn’t gone poorly. They had gone catastrophically.

Looking at the results displayed on her phone screen, she felt numb. None of this feels real. It’s not possible. This is all just a dream, a really long and terrible dream that I’m going to wake up from. That’s why it’s so unfair, why I’m in such garbage situations across the board, why it feels like a nightmare where I’m completely out of place. Yeah, that’s it. It’s just a bad nightmare. I’ll wake up soon.

Writing - C (74%)

Calculus - F (34%)

Statistics - F (46%)

Chemistry - F (42%)

Genetics - F (40%)

Kaitlyn simply sat there, motionless for a long while. Eventually, soft footsteps approached her from behind, followed by slender arms wrapping her in an embrace.

“It’s ok,” Heather gently reassured her. “Don’t let this get you down, ok? You’re so much more than just some percentage on an exam. What you got on some midterms doesn’t define who you are, y’know?”

She remained frozen in place, paralyzed by the sheer enormity of her failures as the blonde girl continued speaking. The soft words about how she’s “perfect just the way you are” and how “next time will be better” seemed to drift by, unheeded and empty.

Eventually, Kaitlyn took a deep shaking breath. “I… I need to be alone for a bit. I need to think.”

Heather reluctantly pulled back, eyeing her roommate with obvious concern. “Are you sure? If there’s anything I can do…”

“Yes. I just… Please. Sorry.”

“... Ok. You let me know if you need anything, ok?”

“... Ok.”

Her roommate retreated to her own desk, still frowning in concern. Still, Heather obligingly returned to the notecards she had abandoned, facing away from her distressed friend to give her space.

Her thoughts spiraled uselessly. What do I do? What am I supposed to do? How did things end up this bad? Is there anything I can do? Why me? Why couldn’t I just be a Journalism major again? Why am I taking five classes? Why…?

Mechanically, Kaitlyn forced herself to open her clenched hands and set them on the desk. I can’t fail. I can’t fail EVERYTHING. This damn game won’t help me, that much is obvious. I need to help myself. I can’t… I can’t let this happen again.

Focusing on her breathing, she ever so slowly pulled herself out of the dark spiral. This was bad. The midterms had gone worse than she had ever thought possible. But this was just midterms - she had another chance.

I… need to study more. I need to ask Philip for help. I need to take this more seriously, now. That means no more playing around, no more chasing boys, no more procrastinating. I have to bring this back around somehow. If that’s even possible.

Eventually, she reached out towards her notes. Well, the notes Philip had given her. The notes she kept herself were sparse and honestly hadn’t helped her much so far. Maybe… Maybe I am worthless at this. I can’t even do a single thing right, even with all his help. Why even try?

I want to go home. She felt tears begin to well up in her eyes. I miss mom and dad. I miss my old college. I just want… I want to go back to normal.

The thoughts of the life she’d left behind ate at her, threatening to pull her back down into a pit. She didn’t know how she had gotten here, much less how to get home. Was she stuck here forever? How long was this game anyway? What about her family? The questions that she hadn’t thought to consider before seemed much more important now.

Sure, life wasn’t easy before, but it wasn’t this soul crushing! At least then I had some sort of choice over what I was taking, and how many classes… And people who cared about me. People to support me.

She glanced over at Heather, who was slowly flipping through flashcards and setting them into separate piles. At least she had one person to support her here. She should be grateful for that.

“... Thanks, Heather.”

The pretty girl straightened, then turned back to regard Kaitlyn. “You ok?”

“...No.” She answered honestly. “B-but… Thank you, still. I… I need to study more.”

“You can do that tomorrow,” Heather reassured her. “For today, you should take a self-care day. Just get some sleep, relax, try to destress a bit. Tomorrow you can start fresh, right?”

“... Ok.” Lacking the energy to argue, she slowly stood and muddled over to the bed. She’d take a nap. Then, when she woke up, she’d get some food. Then she’d read some of her webnovel and sleep again. Tomorrow she’d start studying harder. And schedule more tutoring with Philip.

***

“I see.” Philip looked up from her calculus exam. His expression was just as severe as usual, but Kaitlyn felt like there had to be some extra disappointment hidden behind it now. “Would you like to review the problems that you missed, or do you understand your mistakes already?”

“... Can we go over them, please?” She mumbled the words dejectedly. It was bad enough that she had done terribly on midterms after all of his help. Having to actually show him her exam and all the proof of her failures was several times worse.

“Of course. Let's start with this one.” He tapped on a problem with several red circles highlighting parts of her answer. “Do you recall the transformations associated with L’Hopital’s rule that we covered?”

“... No.”

“Then we will review them.”

As they worked, reviewing topics or explaining ones that she had completely misunderstood, Kaitlyn only became more frustrated. Some of these she definitely remembered learning. Heck, some of the questions she could solve just fine now. But for many, the topics just didn’t stick. As soon as they weren’t actively focusing on the concept, it slipped away and ballooned to an intimidating size.

It just feels so… pointless. Like, even if I understand this here, what does it matter if I just forget when it really counts? She had never been a particularly good test taker, but usually she could manage just fine. Not this time. These midterms had felt like struggling in quicksand while also being chased by wolves. The sheer stress of it all had been crushing at the time. How do I deal with that?

“... Kaitlyn?”

She blinked and looked up. Philip’s steely grey eyes met hers expectantly.

“... Sorry?”

“I asked you what we would do next for this problem.”

“... Ah. Sorry, I um, I got distracted. Can we… Start over?”

Philip set his pencil down with a soft click and folded his hands in front of him. “Kaitlyn. Why do you think that you got the grade that you did on this exam?”

Kaitlyn didn’t meet his eyes. “Because I’m just bad at math, I guess.”

He shook his head. “That’s incorrect. You can generally compensate for a lack of talent with enough effort.”

“But I did try! I tried really hard, as hard as I ever have! I studied, I’ve been learning from you, but it still just… It didn’t help. I did my best.”

The tutor frowned, eyes sharpening. “Really? You did your best?”

She looked up at him, confused at the suddenly bitter shift in his tone. “Y-yeah.”

“How many hours each day did you study? And of those hours, how many of them were spent effectively? When you found yourself becoming unproductive or tired, did you simply stop? Or did you seek out strategies to ensure that you were able to work harder and longer as needed until you understood the material?”

“W-well-”

“Did you seek the maximum amount of tutoring that was available to you? Or, if finances limited your ability to afford tutors, did you seek out classmates and peers who would be willing to study with and assist you for free? Did you attempt to access online resources that explained the class material in a different way, one that might resonate more with you?”

“I-”

“Did you truly seek to understand the material to the best of your abilities? Or did you simply attempt to meet some self-imposed bar that you assumed would be high enough to pass midterms, and find your expectations short of reality?”

His words pelted Kaitlyn like rocks, each one finding its mark with unerring accuracy. Her face reddened, her mouth opening to spout an indignant response, but no words came out. She found herself unable to speak, too flustered to pull together a defense for herself.

“... Do not do yourself such a disservice as to say you did your best.” Philip continued. “If this is the height of your abilities, your absolute pinnacle, then there is nothing either of us can do to help you. Lies might make you feel better, but they won’t help you be better.”

That’s it. She seethed. Who does he even think he is?! He doesn’t know me, he doesn’t know anything ABOUT me! Just because he’s so smart, what, he thinks everyone else is just lazy? That I’M lazy? Like me sucking at math is a choice? Well, it’s NOT.

They sat there in silence for a moment. Kaitlyn wanted nothing more than to lash out at the well-dressed tutor sitting across from her, really lay into him like he apparently had no problem doing to her. But she kept it in. I’ll be the mature one here. I won’t waste words on this… this jerk. He doesn’t deserve it, anyway.

A neutral voice from across the table reached her ears. “Shall we continue? Or are you giving up here?”

With an effort of will, she raised her head and focused on the page in front of her. I’m never asking him for help again after this. Her voice was tight. “... Please continue.”

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