Lemon Leaves

Lemony Snicket is my potted Improved Meyer Lemon tree that I got abouuuuut…. three years ago? Oh wait, it was not too long before the pandemic, actually. I remember because we had a couple stay at our house for a few days and we had to relocate Lemony from her spot at the dinner table so all the humans could sit together. We were supposed to have more houseguests later but then quarantine happened not long after that first batch of friends and then we didn’t have anyone stay with us for years afterwards.

March 28th

We’ve had a couple guests since then, although I’m only remembering Karine right now (Hi, Karine!). Actually, I think Lucy stayed the night once or twice (Hi, Lucy!), but that hardly feels like having a guest over so much as your house elf reappearing after being out of sight for a bit, tending to elf business but not actually gone-gone.

March 30

Oh! And Clare! Clare stayed with us too, just for a night. I wish it could have been longer. I love sharing my home with people. I love sharing it with my friends and I love sharing it with people I may not even know that well. Once there was a person who was escaping a bad home situation and my studio put out a call for people who could house this person who only had a single suitcase of their belongings. All of us studiomates who had the space to do so opened up their homes to this person, and so did Matt and I. They said our home felt calming and I’ve held that close in my heart all these years later. Last I heard, they had moved back to their home state with their parents, but that was pre-pandemic so who knows what has changed since then. I hope they’re ok now.

April 2

Tig is curled up next to me, grooming herself vigorously. Sometimes I rest my hand on her rump-zone and she gives it swift little kisses. Little scratchy strokes with her tongue.

April 5

I’m trying to remember what I learned in Space Camp, what I learned in DBT.

April 10

That’s the frustrating thing about getting mental health help, it’s that now you know you can cope better, you know you know what you’re supposed to do when your same old demons are swarming. You know you’ve found peace with your thoughts before, you know you know how to reduce your suffering, and now here you are in the exact scenario you trained your mind for and you just…

You know you know how to do this.

So why can’t you?

April 14

I’m looking at Tig’s bundle of paws, at her lips cracked open just enough to reveal the tips of her little vampire fangs. Each one is just an off-white dot resting against her black lips, like one of my round faux-pearl embellishments that I’ve sewn onto my embroidery projects to add a little class.

April 19

I’m rubbing her tummy (yes, she’s a tummy-rub cat) which makes her flex her little paws in rhythm to my strokes. I’m trying to be zen about the noise in my brain, I know I know how. My home is calming, my home is beautiful. Even though it is currently disheveled, the art on the walls are beautiful and they’re calming and they make this place home. A home for me, a home for us, a home for my loved ones, a home for my guests, a home for Lemony Snicket, my potted Improved Meyer Lemon tree who grows me beautiful new leaves.