The Multiverse Misadventures of SPARTAN...1337 - Ch.1

“I hate to say this...but I might be boned.”

Now you would say that these were the words spoken by a loser. A quitter. That couldn’t be farther from the truth! Why? Because my friend, you are reading the words of none other than the greatest warrior in space himself!

For these are the words of SPARTAN…1337!!

And when he says such words...he means it in only the most literal way possible. For SPARTAN’s never lie! Unless it’s to dirty, stinking ONI agents, but that’s a different story altogether.

This story is nothing less than the greatest of stories about your man, 1337 himself!

A story that begins!....with him getting nearly eaten by a space worm...thing.

“CrapcrapcrapcrapcrapCRAPCRAAAAAAP!!”

The elite soldier scrambled in the most chickenshit expertly skilled manner up the rock face as the flood worm smashed its enormous face upon it. The worm possessed a reinforced carapace upon the front of its face, protruding out like a gigantic spike of white bone. The mouth beneath this growth opened up similarly to that of a shark, with dozens of rows of wickedly sharp, serrated teeth, snapping open and closed as it sought out its prey.

1337 rushed over the edge of the rock face, looking down upon his near doom.

“That is one ugly motha-fucka. Well let me tell you Flood beast. I can be one ugly motha-fucka too!” he shouted as he pulled out a pair of plasma grenades and flung them down into the gaping maw of the monster. With a quick retreat, two resounding explosions, and a huge shower of ichor filled the air behind the soldier.

“Ha! And that’s how you-”

“ROOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAARRRRR”

“....Do not kill a giant worm apparently.”

Before he could say anymore, the worm rushed up into the sky, its head split in two by the explosions that it had been force fed.

“Oh, well that’s no problem. It’s not like it can eat me now, not without its ugly-”

The sounds of flesh being torn apart filled the air as the head of the creature convulsed and spasmed. 1337 could only watch in curiosity as to this event, before the head exploded...and two more heads took its place. Both sporting the spike nosed protrusion, and shark like mouths.

“Huh. It’s just like a hydra….Oh crap! It’s just like a Hydra!!”

The monster, once more able to see, spotted its hated prey quickly, and both heads roared thunderously before whipping forward upon the hapless soldier.

1337 screeched roared in terror defiance as the two heads rushed him, only to slam into one another, bouncing away due to the forces involved, clearing a space between the two heads to the point where the body meets the necks.

“Huh? Oh...OH! Now’s my chance!” the SPARTAN shouted as he hauled himself off at full sprint towards the body of the creature while it was disoriented. With a mighty leap, 1337 exploded off the ground and onto the body of the monster, which had only noticed its quarry was not on the ground anymore, but behind it.

One head roared and rushed towards him, causing him to roll onto his back, only to be stopped mere inches from devouring him as the second head, unaware of where the soldier was, forced the first head to stop as it pulled back.

“Okay, time to go!” 1337 stated in a quiet tone as the head was pulled back far enough for him to  stand back up. With a turn, he grabbed one last plasma grenade and smashed it through the skin of the monster where the two heads joined, then turned away with a rushed sprint.

“As my great grandpappy used to probably say, Cowabunga!”

With a powerful push, the Spartan leaped off of the body and down to the ground as the explosive went off. A pained screech filled the air, causing the body of the monster to convulse and slam into the Spartan, throwing him off course to the ground and over the edge, falling towards valley miles below.

“OH GOD DAM-Wait..is that a Covenant ship?...This is might hurt.”

===Covenant Ship “Spirit of Destiny”===

Ship Master Ugleth’na Ari’Dos, a Brute Commander, stared out upon the blasted valley below. The infestation had filled the whole region, and no amount of burning plasma was going to stop it. With nothing left for them to do, they could only retreat with the fleet and begin preparations for a slipspace rupture.

The Prophets had begun to open the path to the great journey, and he would be damned if he and his men missed their chance to go where the gods dwelled.

“Preparations are complete.”

“Good. Make haste to the fleet. Destiny waits for no one.”

“Yes S-”The reply was cut off by an alarm at the sensor station, followed by a heavy, loud thunk.

“What is it!?” he growled.

“I’m not sure. It’s a small object of immense mass, and it has crashed upon the hull of the ship.”

“And you failed to detect this...why!?”

The sensor tech flinched as he began to answer when a resounding explosion filled the ship.

“REPORT! WHAT’S HAPPENING!?”

“The object has crashed through the hull plating and impacted upon...the Slipspace engine! It’s causing an overload!”

“What!? Impossible!”

===Engine Room===

Arcs of electricity filled the room which housed the slipspace drive. The crew was in a panic as they frantically shouted and ran about to regain control over an out of control situation, and 1337 slowly stood up from the “spartan” shaped imprint he had made upon his impact with the floor.

“Ow. Okay, that hurt, but not as much as I thought it would...Now where am-”

The sudden sound of an explosion drew his attention away from his question. All around him he saw brutes and other Covenant aliens working feverishly to prevent disaster, not even noticing the super soldier suddenly standing up, looking about in obvious shock.

“Oh! Uh...”

Utilizing his skills, hammered into him from youth, 1337 employed his amazing, undetectable stealth capabilities!

He quickly crouched his nearly eight-foot frame behind a four-foot-high console.

“Okay, so they don’t seem to know I’m here...so I might be able to get away if I just sneak along this...glowing thing that is looking like it's ready to go boom. So, I’ll just start going in this direction…”

With a deft movement he began to sneak away in a crouch walk, in plain view of the crew, who amazingly didn’t notice due to the imminent disaster on their hands. With amazing luck, 1337 made it all the way to the door leading out of the chamber, but as he looked about, he saw no access panel.

He looked about and saw a single green button on a console next to the door, and nodded to himself, certain that this was the button to open the door.

“Now to just push this, and we’re out of here!”

He pressed it...and suddenly alarm klaxons sounded.

“Ohhh….that wasn’t the door.”

===

Red lights flashed throughout the bridge, and Ship Master Ugleth’na Ari’Dos swiveled his head about.

“What’s happening!?”

“It’s the Slipspace Drive! It’s activated. We’re jumping!” Shouted a panicked navigator.

“WHAT!? SHUT IT OFF!”

“We can’t! It was initiated from the engine room! We jump in ten seconds!”

Ship Master Ugleth’na Ari’Dos could only stare before standing calmly, and close his eyes.

“Well...Shit.”

===

The ship, which hung gracefully in the air, slowly began to shake, and then suddenly was enveloped by a gigantic blue sphere.

For a few seconds, the world below was bathed in blue...and then the blue bubble vanished. And with it, the ship, and our dumbass stalwart hero.

===

1337 felt dizzy as he floated off the floor, the entire space filled with psychedelic colors as reality took a nap. The Brutes too floated about in unreality, and slowly began fading out of existence, since the travel they are currently on was without any form of protection from the incredible energies. Most of them weren’t even aware of it, to their good fortune. Those who were, were aware of every moment their atoms were taken apart, inch by inch, in the most painful way imaginable, before they faded to nothing with a scream of agony and terror.

1337’s shield was the only thing protecting him, but it would only last a few more moments before he too was disintegrated by the wall of unreal that flowed around him like jello.

“Well...at least I go down like a hero. Missing in action as I should. This is Spartan 1337 signing-”

A sudden impact of force by a disintegrating Brute upon his back cut him short, as it flung him upon the center of the slipspace rupture.

“OhnononononNONONOOO!”

The small baseball sized sphere that made up the core of the rupture impacted his body, and immediately interacted with the shield that barely protected him. The two energies, one of immense power, and the other far less so, did something that had the odds of 1,234,235,858,437,769,546,807,346:1 against it happening. Somehow...someway...the two energies synchronized...and absorbed into one.

The core, now part of the energy field that made up the shield, formed around 1337..and protected him from the unreality around him.

“Wha!?...Huh!? How...I’m alive...I’m alive!...Why am I alive?”

Looking about, there was nothing. The ship was gone, the brutes were gone, nothing but...rainbows all around.

“Well...at least it’s pretty! Now how do I get to-”

Once more, what seems to be becoming a habit, 1337 was interrupted by a sudden force coming down upon him, and he suddenly reappeared in normal space! Or rather...in mid air over a city.

“Oh no. NOT AGAAAAAAaaaaaaiiiiiin!”

With a resounding boom, 1337 crashed thunderously upon the ground, leaving yet another spartan shaped imprint in the dirt.

“Well...at least it was a soft landing.” 1337 groused as he slowly stood up.

“Ugh...that gets damned old real quick. Now where am I?” He questioned as he looked around him. It appeared to be and old city. Old fashioned brickwork and vehicles dotted the landscape, with people who looked upon him in fear awe as he stood his full height.

“Huh...must be a town of hippies. The styles they’re wearing certainly fit. They’re so passe.”

Turning towards a nearby group of citizens, he raised his arm in greeting.

“Excuse me good people! Would you happen to know-”

“It’s a monster!” a woman shouted in terror. The people suddenly broke and began to run away from the area, leaving the soldier utterly confused.

“Monster?” He asked as he turned and looked. Seeing nothing around him that indicated a monster, let alone covenant, or forerunner, or otherwise, he crossed his arms in irritation.

“Geez. You’d think people would feel at ease with one of the saviors of humanity around. Then again, they are hippies, these anti-government types are probably all taking doobies or something.”

He tsked as he unslung his rifle and picked a direction. “Let’s go towards the tall buildings. They look official enough.”

As he walked through the area, he realized it was some kind of park, with trees and flowers and grass. It was nice to have some nature that wasn’t imminently the cause of his near doom. Like boulders, or cliffs, or giant trees that breathe fire.

“This is nice. I should see about taking some vacation once this war is over. Maybe go fishing and-”

“Hold it right there!”

“Huh?” He paused and turned.

Suddenly six teens appeared, all wearing a variety of colors in out of date styles...except the black kid in a black business shirt and the long haired kid in shoulderless green sport top. Those never go out of style, and neither does green or black.

“Greetings! I see there are some people who won’t run away. Could you tell me where I can find-”

“Your terror ends here creep!” shouted the girly girl in pink.

“Huh?”

With a loud “kyah!” the teens jump upon him with a variety of martial art attacks...which bounce off his shield, barely taking even 3% from their combined strikes.

“Kids, you should sto-” Spsh “-Seriously you need to sto-” Spsh “I mean it! you’re only-” Spsh “Okay now I’m mad!”

With a raised fist, 1337 slammed a powerful punch into the ground. The strength of such a punch caused the ground to crater under his feet, and all of the dirt and dust to explode outwards with a wave of force, which had sent the kids flying out several dozen meters.

“There. Now if you would kindly stop attacking me and-”

The kids stood up, nursing injuries, and gathered together into a group, speaking to one another.

“Well, I guess we need to do this the hard way then.” Geeky blue shirt kid said nervously.

“Hey! Are you listening!?” 1337 shouted irately.

“You’re right Billy...I think it’s time we got serious Jason.”

“You’re not listening.” 1337 said flatly.

“Right...It’s Morphin Time!”

“It’s mo-what time?”

[MEDIA=youtube]ZOQ8w1P9b48[/MEDIA]

Could only stare at the overdramatized transformation sequence as the kids did a variety of martial art moves in their new forms. Once they were finished , the stood facing 1337 in resolute strength.

“Time to bring you down!”

“.........Oh! I get it now! You’re all Nerds!”

The red suited guy was about to leap, but tripped at the sudden statement.

“What!?” said the black one still dressed well despite the cartoonish suit. “E-excuse you?” said the blue one who was obviously the true nerd given his tone of speech. Seriously. This had to be...what’s that word. Cosplay! Yeah! Where people dressed up and pretended, they were as cool as a Spartan.

“I get it! This whole place! The out of style retro clothes, the old looking infrastructure, the whole ensemble you got going on, it’s all for show!” 1337 finished with a proud nod.

“This place must be some kind of amusement park, because how else could there be people dressed the way you people do, and think it looked good!?”

“Hey!” shouted the pink and yellow ones with indignation. They were girls, so of course they would take offense to the fact they dressed like they were clowns in these costumed get ups.

“Seriously though. I appreciate the show, really, I loved...uh...well I can’t really say since my childhood is classified to the point where I’d have to murder the lot of you in cold blood and make it look like an accident or something, but I appreciate the effort.”

The matter of fact way he said it caused them all to tense up and move a step back. He couldn't blame them, but that’s how things are.

“But I really need report in, so if you could just tell me where the nearest military base is I’ll just-”

The sudden sound of thunder and lightning behind him made him jump and yelp in fright give a battlecry for the unexpected….Man-Lobster-Thing? What?

“Whoa!” “What the heck!?” “A monster!” shouted the teens.

“What?...oh. More of the show. Almost thought it was a cove-”

The creature cackled loudly, rudely interrupting him, and then spoke in its cheesy, cliche super villain monologuing manner.

“So, the Power Rangers have found me the source of the power flare! Goody! Now I’ll take it from you!”

“I guess I’ll just-” 1337 started before suddenly the lobster fired...yellow bolts of lightning. That struck the ground near the kids and him, and actually exploded with the force of a grenade. He was almost thrown into the air by the force, while the kids were thrown in the air and several meters away. His lightning reflexes allowed him to see the kids were injured by the explosion, and that the monster was laughing.

“Hey...buddy.”

“Huh?! How are you still standing?!” The costumed freak shouted.

“I weigh nearly a ton. More importantly...that wasn’t very NICE!” He shouted as he covered the distance between the two and lifted the...rather heavy asshole above him and performs a neck breaker move.

Wrestling moves are lethal when combined with solid ground, and a Spartan who loves to use force. In this case however, he was just trying to knock the wind out of the guy, as his suit would protect the neck plenty from actual damage.

When the guy landed with a meaty thunk on the ground, and started bleeding...that’s when 1337 got a clue.

“Wait a second...why are you bleeding orange?”

The Monster got up quickly and roared, opening its small mouth, revealing tiny sharp teeth before firing another lightning bolt that struck his shield head on. It took it down by 40%, about as much as some of the more powerful weapons, or several bursts from pistols and rifles.

“Okay. Knock it off! This isn’t cool anymore!”

The cries of the kids jumping in and attacking, kicks and using cartoonishly large weapons that looked more like a part of a children’s toy line than actual weapons came out and started making sparks where they hit.

1337 could only stand and stare as the fight happened before coming to a conclusion. Somehow...he was caught up in one of the shows, and given the people who were around before, set it off by accident. So, they had to compensate, but now that things were as they were supposed to be…

“Welp. Have fun kids!” He shouted as he began to walk off, whistling carefree knowing things were alright now.

Only to be suddenly surrounded by...a bunch of grey spandex wearing freaks with ugly masks and oversized “Z” chest plates. They all took stances, waving their arms about like silly frogs, and making sounds that...were just dumb.

“Really?” he deadpanned before getting punched by one.

His shield went down by eight percent. That was...surprising. Most punches by normals didn’t do more than one percent damage.

“Look. You’re asking for-”

Then he was punched by another, while being kicked by another, and then punched again. The numbers were adding up.

“Alright. You wanna fight! 1337’s got some knuckle sandwiches for ya!”

Spartan training kicked in as he threw out a restrained punch to the face of an ugly, smacking with a resounding pop that sent the guy flying back. He didn’t want to kill the guy for doing his job, but they needed to know this wasn’t a game.

“How’d you like that you…” the words died in his throat as the guy...well...his head popped off.

His fellows didn’t seem to notice as 1337 began to honestly freakout.

“Oh shit! I’m gonna get court martialed for this! Oh God! Uhh….what do I do? Do I run? No that won’t work, there are witnesses...kill the witnesses! That might...No Bad 1337! Leave that to ONI. How about a bribe...that might work….I don’t have money. Fuck! I’m gonna be scrubbing toilets in prison foreverrrr!”

While our dimwit hero was in panic mode, the fallen one had stood up and picked up its head.

“Oh man, maybe if I hid the body I can…” he stopped once again as he witnessed the...thing...holding its own head...placed it back on which somehow knitted together...and then acted like an idiot again.

“Oh...so...You...ooooooooooh. It’s like that.” 1337 said in a disturbingly pleased voice.

They may have been dorks in spandex, but apparently, they weren’t complete idiots. The costumed villains noted the tone and menacing aura 1337 suddenly possessed, and began backing off in sudden caution.

1337 however match pace while cracking his knuckles, before rushing in and going to town on the losers.

“Wat-CHA! Hoo-Ha-Hugh! HeeYah! ONTODONODOTCHODANTE!” 1337 shouted as he ripped through the small group, sending them flying and disappearing into nothing.

“Huh? Ooooh…holograms…wow, here I was worried about nothing…wait…if they’re holograms. That must mean…”

Having come to a realization, our dumbass genius hero laughed.

“Of course! Amusement park! I remember now! This is all for show! No wonder everyone was all ‘look out, it’s a monster!’ They’re so used to freaks appearing that they thought I was a part of the show! That explains everything.”

The sounds of fighting stopped when suddenly his sensors detected a huge energy buildup. Turning to see what it was, he saw the teens all…standing in formation with a weird amalgamation of their weapons firing a huge beam at the monster, which then exploded with nice pyrotechnic effects.

He gives a thumbs up with one hand, and a “so-so” gesture with the other.

“Nice, but I’ve seen better…for real, I’ve seen way better because I work with actual ordinance.”

The teens jumped, looking at him. “Woah, I forgot about this guy.” The black one said. How rude!

“Right. You just forget the eight foot tall…” 1337 was saying before looking at the pile of lobster behind them.

“….You know what? Touche. Compared to that thing, I am rather ordinary aren’t I?”

Suddenly the sound of reality cracking filled the air with the cackling of some old hag.

“Make my monster grow!”

Then a staff hit the ground, zapped the lobster…which then appeared in a giant smoke cloud as a giant version of itself.

“Wah HAHAHAHAHAAAA~. Time to be destroyed Rangers!”

1337 stared up at the giant lobster monster (heh) and felt honest incredulity. Only to be thrown off even more when suddenly the teens called out for…Zorgs? Whatever, they called for Robots. Giant robot dinosaurs, and a dragon.

“Okay. Two things. One, that!” pointing at the Dragonzord and T-Rex Zord “Is Awesome! Two…Where the hell did you get the funding for this!!?”

Then it got even wilder when the five robots fused into one super giant robot, and with the Dragon Robot, fought the Lobster Monster (heh).

“Wow.” Our idiot hero said in awe of the action that was happening, which he had to admit was pretty awesome.

“Okay, I’m actually getting into this now! Go Robo-Dino Guys!” he shouted, amplifying his voice with a loud speaker.

“It’s Power Rangers!” a shout suddenly replied.

“Yeah. Power Whatevers. Kick that Lobster in the shell!”

Only for it to not go well as that moment of distraction was enough to allow the monster to knock the Megazord to the ground with a claw strike, followed up by a lightning blast.

“Oh! Well, that ain’t good. Might lose this…wait. This is a show, right? I’m already in it, why not mix it up a bit?”

1337 looked about and spots something out of place, and he chuckled, rubbing his palms together.

“Oh, this will be cool.”

The Lobster stabbed into the chest of the Megazord over and over again, having blasted the Dragonzord away without the Megazord distracting it in a two on one fight.

“This is too easy! Should have just crushed you like this from the start! Now behold your doom Power-“

“HEY! UGLY!”

“Eh!?” The lobster replied, turning to look for the source of the insult, only to see our idiotic heroic 1337 leaping at his face…with Repulsa’s staff in his hands, and still fully charged.

The Monster’s eyes widened to comical proportions as it screeched in terror, the sound of a womans screech also filling the air from the sky at what was about to happen, and confused shouts of the Power Rangers as they saw what was happening, and finally, the roar of 1337 as he struck the Lobster straight in the head with Rita Repulsa’s staff, unleashing its full power into the monster’s face.

The result was…explosive to say the least in 1337’s opinion. It also began to doing something wild and funky with his suit’s shield. He landed upon the Power Ranger’s Megazord with a loud clang.

The staff disintegrated in his hands, leaving him standing in triumph upon the field.

“And that’s how it’s done kids! Courtesy of SPARTAN….1337!”

Without warning, his suit spraked…and the Shield became a bubble. Error icons appeared all over his vision, and he began to float into the air, the shield becoming bright as a star.

“What the?! Oh no…not agaaaaaaa-“ 1337 shouted, before a flash of light and sound of thuner fill the air, and he was gone.

“…What just happened?” the Pink Ranger asked.