Year of Bulk Progress - Month 7/12

CW: discussion of weight

I hit a wall.

Something is off with my squat form, or I have a muscle imbalance that has been causing me knee problems. So I had to walk it back, a lot. Nothing has been more maddening. Lifting has been a place I go to so I can feel good, feel strong, and find peace, but this month it felt like emotional torture. Not to be dramatic :)

Should I be doing this? Have I made a mistake? Have I lost too much progress? Can I get past this? And I know no one wants to hear it, but the effect of having extra weight on me has impacted my self perception. I know it's absurd, but this is the heaviest I've been in a hot minute. Normally, I don't care because I feel strong and powerful. Now, I just feel like a mess. I've felt like it's all falling apart.

That is dramatic, though. I know it.

I took a week break from the gym last week and the looming failure weighed on me...until I realized, that's normal. It's okay to hit a wall. Hitting a wall is a natural part of learning. Having to walk it back is a part of life! I've found my strength in knowing what I do from here determines the future. Our feelings are not reality, and I'm so very grateful for that. I'm letting go of the pressure to constantly outperform myself, we are in it for the long haul. So it's a struggle, but here I am updating at the last day of the month, after deliberation and contemplation and self-inflicted misery. I didn't know what to say.

Now I know where I want to go, though. Well, kind of. I've adjusted things so I can hopefully get in with a trainer. I'm not sure what that's going to look like, and frankly, I don't know if I will do an entire year of bulking. I'm finding myself uncomfortable in my body now, and that's impacting me in areas I wasn't ready for. I don't know if it is worth it. At the same time, I knew this would happen. I accepted this challenge. Should I just stick it out? I haven't decided that, but I know I'm not giving up.

I can't. My body craves movement.

So my numbers aren't wonderful this month, and that's okay. We are deloading and perfecting form all over again. I know I can hit high highs, and I don't have to do that all the time. The primary goal is taking care of my body so I can have the chance to do it again, and try so many other things. (For example, while I'm a slow running, I'm now experiencing the drive to improve my numbers.)

I do want to say thank you. This monthly ritual has forced me to make sure I'm not just slogging along thoughtlessly at the gym, but making sure I know where I'm going and what I'm doing. It's given me a space to articulate that.

Barbell squat: 135lbs - 5 sets of 5
Barbell Bench Press: 95lbs - 5 sets of 5
Bent-Over Barbell Rows : 95lbs - 5 sets of 5 New PR
Barbell Shoulder Press: 55lbs - 3 sets of 5
Barbell Deadlift: 165lb - 1 set of 5 New PR
Body weight ranging from: 127 - 130.7lbs (this month I didn't really gain, just maintained considering rolling back the weights)