Doot Tone

Rant / therapy session incoming:

I'm proud of putting effort into videos but the only way I was able to trick myself into uploading anything is to hit rock bottom in the ironic ouroboros of "haha it's cool because it's so bad, but it's so good actually, but don't forget it's bad so I am immune to criticism, stop taking it so seriously". It's hard to make "bad instruments" like this crappy clipping doot or moonbase alpha sound listenable, but I basically never think any of my derivative note-by-note covers sound "good". While I do my best to try making stuff actually worthwhile, it's hard to read "wow this actually sounds amazing", I get sucked into another spiral of disbelieving any compliments and wonder if it ever has any worth beyond "whoa reference, that astronaut aeiou video was funny in 2010 and I saw Undertale and I clapped". I feel like I'm banking too hard on that, never venturing too far into anything that would be held to some standard beyond stupid memes and references, but acting high and mighty for any nonzero effort I put in.  

But anxiety is self-defensive, the only reason I think the worst of myself and others is because it would be the worst. That's how I know it's the anxiety talking. Those feelings of "I don't wanna upload this" come from the thought "This isn't worthwhile, no one actually enjoys them", which came from the real-world fact of... nothing. That isn't a guaranteed truth. Any time the thought of "why am I making this, I'm wasting my time" crosses my mind, it goes directly to my feelings without checking if it even came from a real stimulus.  

And also, it's easy and "comforting" for human brains to make things simple, black-and-white, all-or-nothing, but that isn't how things are. Any time I truly believe it when I think "this is derivative, I'm just copying notes", that could take over my whole brain and assert that's the one and only factor. But more than one thing can be true at the same time! Sure, it can be true that I'm not being terribly creative with the composition or concept, but it can also be true that I make small creative decisions throughout. Sure, some people may only get enjoyment out of "reference haha", but others could genuinely like how it sounds. Sure, I could be relying too heavily on the shield of "it's just a stupid meme", but I never go out of my way to assert that; it's all in my head.

And tbh none of that even matters anyway. I should upload videos that some people could enjoy. That's all that matters, that's why I made the channel in the first place. Getting stuck in spirals about value and intent don't help anyone.