Thirsty Thursday Thoughts

Henlo my dudes! As you may have noticed, this post is public! Feel free to share it around if you find anything of value in it. Right now I'm having some fizzy water in a wine glass with a little squeeze o'lemon (more about that later). This post will include the customary update on what I'm doing, but to follow will be a life update and just where the heck I've been all these times I've missed on posting.

Monster Haven

Chapters from book three still incoming! Fun stuff like stylized character/inventory/spell sheets are going into the finished products! Book 1 is getting some fancy dancy stuff that I might show off in a later post when everything is finalized.
We're still working on nailing down that contract (such is the way of working with MASSIVE corporations ^_^) but even though it's been a long time coming, I'm not losing heart. (More on that in the life update)

Jess... you're kidding.... ANOTHER NEW THING?!?!

Why yes, yes I will start writing something new. Shiny project syndrome!

Just kidding, I'll be writing down the premise and a basic outline, then going back to my gamelit tower climber series (and the "Prison World Earth" series for my personal publishing project) once the Monster Haven series is DONEdone.

This new new thing is so fun that I really don't want to reveal many details about it... lets just say there's cultivation, tea, world war two era in a second world fantasy, and a suit made of living.... breathing.... spiders.... ew. That last part is going to require a bit of a modification, but I have just the magical remedy in mind <3

That's the briefing my dude. Hope you're having a ballin' Thursday.

~J.D. Astra

LIFE UPDATE

Tl;DR - I've been struggling with addiction but now that I'm totally sober I'm doing lots better. Still have my bad days, still have cravings (re: fizzy water in a wine glass substitute!), but I'm committed to staying healthy and would love your support <3

Alright long-haulers...

I've been an alcoholic for 10 years. Functional alcoholic, but still an alcoholic. I went to work and made monies and had friendships and went hiking, but I had a dependency on alcohol. I used it to "manage" stress, pain, whatever. I know a lot of people do. I know it's hard, because I struggled with those thoughts tonight.

So, let's not dig into the depressing "how did it happen?!?!" and focus instead on "what the fuck am I doing about it now."

I admitted it, my dude

Do you think you have a problem (any problem)? Say it out loud to someone. Maybe yourself at first, or your best friend, or your partner/mom/sibling SOMEONE you trust. Tell someone you've got a problem, but most importantly, mean it.

If you don't mean it, none of the rest of this matters because you won't be able to commit to change.

Create an attack plan

It can be really hard to get started on fixing your shit, so I like to start out by just planning to plan. Setting a good date and time on the calendar that's mine, that I won't skirt, that I won't procrastinate, that will have no other obstacles to getter dun and no excuses. 

When the day comes to plan, identify what step 1 is. Sometimes an important step one is "how the fuck am I going to get through the really bad days," or "how did I get here in the first place?" Analyze your situation, and use your gut to prioritize what's going to be most important to you to solve first.

My step 1 was, "What the fuck is even going on with me?"

I took a full day to just walk around the house with a notepad, writing down all the things that were hurting me mentally/physically/emotionally. Then I started cross referencing experiences with nights of excessive drinking. I discovered 4 primary trigger categories; Stress, Overwhelmed, Helplessness, Body Pain. (honestly the first three things are the same thing repackaged, but, whatever... it helped me to delineate)

My step 2 was, "Knowing what I know about my situation, create a system for success." (If y'all like this, maybe I'll start a "life" segment on Patreon where I discuss bullshit solutions I use.)

My system of success looked like this:

1. Write down every thing that makes you happy or feel good.
2. Create categories of things you can do or have to fit for every type of situation you're in, which looked like this:
    A. Distract - Play 10-30 minutes of video games, watch an episode of Avatar/other fun anime, call a friend/mom, do some online window shopping for someone's bday/christmas/etc, you get the point. Put my attention somewhere else, somewhere engrossing that'll release dopamine.
    B. Engage - Listen to an audio book and go for a walk, turn the "starlight" on and do some yoga, do some burpees/squats/etc, play with the dog, do some dishes and listen to a podcast. Put my body in motion and get endorphins going.
    C. Reflect - Meditate for 10 minutes, talk out loud to myself about what's going on, journal, envision tomorrow drunk and not drunk
    D. Relax - Take a nap/bath/shower, cuddle with George, lay on the couch with a heatpad where it hurts, read in bed, do my nails, etc. Do something stimulating that's self care that will make me feel good without being a ton of effort.
    E. Supplement - Drink fizzy water in a wine glass with a lemon wedge or if you want to get fancy like a lemon drop martini, do a peal, have hot tea with honey, have some ibuprofen, etc, things that will give me that feeling of having a drink in my hand without having one, and deal with my body pain.
3. Write out exactly what drinking looks like in detail. What happens before I drink emotionally/mentally/physically. What happens while I drink. What happens the night of. What happens the day after. I didn't skip any detail, put it all out there.
4. Tell some trusted people, show them the board, and ask for their help.
5. Create an "incident report" folder that tracks my times where the urge to drink strikes, my supplemented coping method, who I reached out to, and why it happened.

The final step was committing. Knowing that it was time to do more than just writing and planning. It was time to change.

So, 11 days ago I committed to being sober. I've got a couple sheets in my incident report folder, not gonna lie, but none of them have "Drank" circled under the "Resolution" field. I'm not going to pretend it'll never happen, things happen, and if they do, I just recommit to being sober again.

That's how far into this I am. Maybe I'll have another life update in a few weeks when I feel I'm ready to start having social drinks again, or a fine glass of wine with dinner. Maybe that will never happen and I'll just be sober forever, I dunno... but, I'm doing something about it now. I have choices and options. I know the consequences and I understand them. I'm committed to being sober for a full month at minimum, and I'll hit it damn it.

As for my body and mind right now being 11 days sober, lemme tell you. I have will-power problems every day. It's hard when the stress hits, but I rely on the system to get me through and it has. If you find yourself "failing," it's likely not you, but your system. Revisit what's not working and change it up (advice for any time you're "failing" not just with being sober).

Even though I get the thought to drink when I have one of those 4 (2) categories of triggers, I get through it and I feel better. The next day, I feel better. My stomach problems are getting better, my mental clarity is returning, my grogginess in the morning is fading, and I'm having remembering my really cool dreams. I'm handling stress better in the moment, I'm generally happier, more thoughtful, and kinder to myself and others. It's pretty awesome.

Alright my dudes, this has dragged on enough. I hope you're doing awesome. If you're struggling or have struggled, let me know in the comments how you're doing now and what you've tried to help yourself.

~Jess