Update

So. Didn't mean to just, disappear like that. I really didn't. I seem to be in a constant cycle of being like 'I'm going to do more' and then not actually doing it. But I figured that I should probably update you all. 

I don't mean to not be making content. Over the last two months I've had two mental breakdowns, where I wanted to just, give up and delete everything, and I may have if one of my friends hadn't stopped me. I've been in a pretty bad place mentally. I'm recovering, I think, but part of it is just the growing pains of not having my old negative habits.

To fill people in, years ago my way of motivating myself was to essentially put myself in a state where I loathed myself and had a metaphorical gun to my head, and I would force myself to work because it was a way to convince myself that I wasn't human garbage. Having tried to better myself, I no longer loathe myself. But because of that, I no longer have the way to motivate myself that I used to. In a sense, I became healthier, but lost the tool I used to motivate myself. 

I don't know if that has created the conditions for my mental breakdown so to speak, but I can say it's the first time in years that I actively wanted to not be alive. Not suicidal, but just that feeling that there wasn't much of a difference between living and dying. This of course, is not healthy. And I'm working through it. But it's where I've been mentally. Part of it may be the coming election, but more of it stems from a lot of uncertainty and my inability to motivate myself.

So again, I'm sorry I've not been posting things. If it weren't for you guys, I'm not sure what I would do. I'm not sure I'd be able to feed myself, though I've been working on remembering to do that too. 

I've been trying to figure out something else to do, in the sense that I am trying to make myself do something at all, so that I can show that I'm not just sitting here staring at a wall and contemplating my own mortality. I want to do something, anything, but I'm fighting myself every step of the way. 

Been considering a lot of things from people. streaming, reading other things, writing other things, maybe a podcast or something. I don't know. I just need to be doing something. Honestly, it's a struggle to be like this. 

I'm sorry for not producing more. Especially because I feel like I'm letting a lot of you down, who support me and give me so much and allow me to keep doing this. I seriously cannot thank you enough. I am going to keep trying to get myself to act, so that I can make up for all the waiting. Again, I'm very sorry for the delays.