monthly videos

I want to start by saying how deeply sorry I am for the the life altering level of flair. I have been living the past few months.. As many of you know, l've been struggling with severe physical and mental health challenges due to my ongoing issues with intracranial pressure and a spinal fluid leak, POTS, brain, injury, etc.(in which I’m still suffering from )I recognize that you've all paid to be part of this space, and I can't tell you how much it pains me that I haven't been able to deliver the content and connection you all deserve lately, but I am working so hard to get back to you in this community and back to myself.

This community is so much more than just a space for me-it's a place where I consider everyone family, my friends that have become family and a social outlet I truly rely on along with many of you.

 It breaks my heart that, due to chronic illness, my ability to be consistent has been affected. No one wakes up wanting these health struggles, and the unpredictability that comes with them is incredibly difficult to manage.

all 6+ videos will be up. Thank you for standing find me time and time again. I think of all of you that I have gotten to know every week multiple times a week. I hope that you're feeling better. I hope that school is going OK. I hope that you are recovering from a recent break up, etc.

How many people in this safe space and outsides. Your for being there for me and hard moments happy ones anxious, sad, painful experiences throughout this human life I hope you always know how much I love you and our communities. 

I can’t t even begin to explain how challenging it is been through this flare, and the tolls it's taking of me my mind and body. I know many tell me that I can take a break and thank you for seeing me and hearing that I am exhausted but what many don't understand is that I want to be here I want to be here with all of you. You are my community my loved ones.

I believe community saves and change his lives. So here is my vulnerable. My vulnerable might be too much for you my vulnerable my not of hit it correctly. 

They will slowly trickle in because my Wi-Fi speed due to Wi-Fi being cut and having to go with a different provider has beyond significantly lowered uploading levels.

For those who have custom videos pending,

 please send me a direct message with your email address so I can make sure I get them to you. If anyone feels that they are not receiving what they paid for this month, I completely understand and want to offer a full refund. Please don't hesitate to reach out to me directly if you would like that.

While I hope to be able ty a live stream tomorrow, I can't promise . at this moment but if you’re OK, waiting within the coming week for me to get this going and feeds feel free to renew your presence as always loved and in a bubble of light while here.

Again, most things minus the live stream are all done. It’s just a matter of there was a period where I didn’t have any Wi-Fi then got really sick with pressure and fluid on my brain and that has taken a toll. But it’s still me someone who has integrity, love,t passion for what I do compassion and empathy for those all around me.

Being hateful to me, does not make me magically able to do something. 

but what does make me inspired feel love and community is a community of people who understand others live different lives than the next and if you don’t understand, chronic illness and all of what it entails, you are very blessed. I just want everyone to know. I’m trying my best day after day after day moment, after moment after moment. if you don’t think that I’m being 100 times more unkind to myself because I can’t do what I love and can’t offer someone a moment of comfort when they might really really need it.

There has  to be in unbelievable amount of people who think I should shut my Patreon down because I'm sick and I can't tell you exactly when I'm gonna be sick. I might not be able to tell you when I get sick, but when that flare comes. I can communicate that to you and, communicating or having fear to communicate those things has not been the effective communication we've all need it now I am on a much different path than where I was a few years ago but it doesn't mean that I'm not struggling just like you. I want you to know I value every single part of you. We love someone get their coin, but not truly stopping appreciating and understanding that and I want to lose my creative muscles that I get to use every month along with my community, friends, etc. I have said this time and time again but the only consistency chronic illness brings is inconsistency. I'm trying my hardest, my absolute hardest to hit everything on time usually when my health is at a normal baseline, I can do everything and to be clear I still can do everything it just might be late and if you are not OK with this because you think I'm being lazy when I'm actually laying in bed sobbing because it hurts to turn from side to side along with the other pains to go along with different illnesses are very challenging.

(Btw-to keep me alive and going within my human experience I need to go out every once in a while. In the past six months, I've left my house maybe and this is just a guess and a higher guest, but 6months ago. Member how everyone started freaking out during Covid because it was inhumane to ask people to stay in X amount of days with an illness but those are the same people in my experience that I have been so cruel to me about my breakdowns and sadness over my level of isolation for months at a time being house bound again. The only really big challenging part for me leaving the house is that if I start feeling awful there's no one waiting with a car for me to just jump in and sob because I'm in so much pain. I had an assistant years back who helped …. Get someone to help drive me to doctor appointments that are far away. And before someone asks because I would be totally nosy as well that's not a judgment lol. Because I pass out and I have history of I'll legally cannot drive and I have to go X amount o time without any activity like that going on in my body because I could easily have a wreck and hurt someone…. I would roll the dice with that, and even if I wanted to my doctors legally will not allow for me to drive, which I understand and not only if some thing was an accident, or a bird flew out the windshield, and it made me swerve and I hit someo, or there was an accident ahead of me and I just happened to go right into it, that could end up with me being charged. Because it would be a pre-existing condition that I'm aware of, and if something happened to another human, I would be liable for that because of my illness. 

The point is many view this as “black and white” ,very unconventional…..

Again, all I can do is tell you are I am doing my very best through so many different areas of my life

I love and miss you all so much. 

Like I said videos will start trickling in.

you are loved and so beyond cared for.

just PS say I will remind everyone that this is a life that none of you want to lead. I am in pain and that takes its toll on your mental health.  I promise I am and always will do my best always it’s just that we have to make a accommodation sometimes

But I love you all and there’s entire community.