[Ramble] Let's talk about sex (baby) [Poking at your thoughts]

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Phantasm Cat

Skye, you are so amazing. ❤

(I must preface that I have tons of medication flowing through my bloodstream, so I apologise in advance if none of this makes sense.)💙💙 Thank you for your thoughts on this topic; its always weirdly wonderful to hear how your brain works on the complexity revolving around the varying nuances of this subject, and its great to hear the perspectives of everyone else as well - you guys are awesome. Sex to me starts when one thing goes into another; that pure, physical connection that brews after the foundations have been set and agreed upon mutually, and thereafter the adventure of learning and attuning yourself to their wavelengths in a vulnerable, mature, and interesting way. It’s that peak of intrigue that conversation can no longer satiate and you both (or more) take that plunge of your capabilities in the overall umbrella of pleasure. I would have to draw the line there as there are so many other terms used to describe the actions that happen prior (and those are technically my favourite) that may not invoke the same mental switch that needs to be flipped for some people in order to fully grasp that sex is happening. My mind works in a straight line where something needs to stop before anything else can begin, and although fluid, as you’ve stated, there is consistently a moment when you know things have turned up a notch. The sex of convenience is a strange thing to me, as sex is ‘a something’ and not 18 holes of mini golf. There are things at play that are important, certain needs that you want to be met, and sacrifices that one must make to achieve that. And doing that with a stranger regardless of how well you click as a pair is a difficult thing for me. For some, they can switch off and more power to them because that’s truly amazing, but I have a hard time processing matters like those. Maybe I’m too old school, who knows. On the topic of intimacy, this was non-existent before listening to audios. There were many instances where the term ‘fully enraptured’ failed to encompass the experience simply by a VA taking the steps to ensure a mutual fascination with the listener, and its unreal. It has broadened my understanding of what the experience should be opposed to what I know and see it to be, and it is still great fun learning the subtleties that add more to the salted caramel popcorn ice cream cake. I’m sorry this was so long. I hope you’re having a wonderful day, and a safe weekend ahead. 🌹🌹

Proud of you for commenting. 💜

Before I get into my thoughts on the ramble, I am still here asking Crunchy to please post some song covers, because his singing voice is just soo 🥰 Now that that’s out of the way, let’s do this! Because of my conservative upbringing, I grew up thinking sex = p in v penetration and that’s it. But, as I got older and especially after getting to know the LGBT+ community, my definition of sex broadened a lot. I’ve seen this sentiment in other comments, and I do agree that women, because of the way we are socialized and the expectation that sex is something you do for a partner, a lot of us don't really spend time to think on what we like and what we want, and even if we do, it's hard to communicate that, which is why in many cases, masturbation becomes way more fulfilling than sex with other people. Also, I kinda reject the idea that you can find one person who will 100% fulfill all of your sexual needs, and to be honest, it's kinda unfair to put that burden on a partner anyway. And it’s a shame that in a lot of religious contexts, especially Christianity, that is the expectation, you get married and your spouse has to 100% fulfill your needs. This is also made worse by purity culture, where a lot of young people get married early with little or no sexual experience and a lot of the time, having a lot of baggage from years in which you associated sexual desire with guilt / sin. So my thinking is, if you’re not into polyamory, a healthy sex life involves masturbation and solo time with yourself and your desires. I have worked hard to become sex-positive and to shed the guilt that was ingrained in me by my upbringing and audios have definitely aided in this, and Crunchy’s audios especially, have really made me think more about the fact that sex is more than the physical, but that intimacy and human connection are more important. That’s all I can think of for now lol, but I do love the fact that this ramble brought forth very interesting conversations both here on patreon and outside of it. For an allosexual person, seeing the asexual perspectives on this issue, has been illuminating and definitely thought provoking.

I've been thinking about whether I wanted to comment - I'm working on a "do something that scares me" every day policy and often commenting publicly is my thing that scares me. Unfortunately, to say what I would like to I'd have to get more personal that I'm comfy doing - even in a semi public space like this. So I'll say this. Thank you for your ramble. You gave me a lot to think about. Some made me grin and some made me cry but it was a circle of thought that I needed to have. And with that much I'm feeling like going invisible for just a teensy bit longer. 💜

Skye

Experience is experience. It doesn't matter if he's good or bad. But it is what teaches us that makes us wiser and more circumspect. If you think that you are not ready for contact, then this is quite normal. It means that for you to know things is more important, and that you want to be with a person not just for sex. And for the rest, I'm always ready to invite you to have a beer with me again 👍

🫂

Okay, let me try this. I've always thought of sex as of a form affection may be expressed as. Which didn't match with more common opinion of sex being something only physiological. It meant and still means more to me than to some people I know and speak about it with. Even though I've known from the very beginning that I need to feel [very] emotionally close to someone long before the sex itself, there were both ons and friends with benefits in my life. Both led me to feeling used since there wasn't that amount of affection I needed. Quite an experience, but I don't know if I actually needed it. More of "everyone tries that why wouldn't I" sort of thing. What I want from such an interaction is to feel cared for and loved. Otherwise it's bad for both my mental state and my body 'cause if I don't feel this way I'm tensed, my mind is constantly racing and I can even remember thinking once "Why am I here? " while being with a someone. Cuddles, kisses and looking into their eyes, whispering something to them, holding them close and touching - yes, definitely shows more affection than penetration. Most of these things I wouldn't consider sex though. Which doesn't mean they're less important. I mentioned once that audios are more than porn for me, they help me experience something nice, feel the care I want so badly or simply feel valid. I hardly ever listen to "heavy" things and ignore everything with [rape] tag. Such things make me feel extremely uncomfortable even if it's just an audio. I spent a lot of time trying to find words for this one 😅 expressing all these thoughts didn't seem that difficult while they were still only in my head.

@Mrs. Dubose- LMAO i unfortunately watched it with my parents so you can imagine how awkward that was 😭 there’s nothing worse than watching sex/sexual scenes in movies with your parents

cosmicdreams

The first date I ever went on in my life was a double date to see Titanic in the theater, and you bet your boots the sketching scene was awkward as hell. Everyone looking STRAIGHT ahead like 😳. 😂

glad it could help you both! 🤍 and hey, even as someone who is gen z, i can say that 90s leo was hot 😂 coincidentally, titanic was my bi awakening lol. i realized i thought leo was hot, but i couldn’t take my eyes off kate in that movie yeah, demisexuality is a tricky one. in my opinion, it doesn’t really fit in the asexual or allosexual definitions. i like to view sexuality as a spectrum that is quite fluid and can change throughout our life, so in that sense labels can feel pretty narrow and confining, but i still think there is value to having them to understand that you’re not alone in how you feel and to feel a sense of community with those who identify similarly to you

cosmicdreams

Cosmicdreams explained it much better than I ever could. Crushes on people and celebrities I barely knew could form like *snap* for me in highschool. But actually thinking about acting on that impulse would stop me dead in my tracks. Because wait a minute I don't actually know anything important about them.

Acedia

@cosmicdreams Thank you, that helps a lot. The celebrity crush thing puts it into perspective because I've never really had that. I remember being in high school and having a friend who had pictures of Leonardo DiCaprio up in her locker (I'm aging myself here, lol) and practically drooling. I remember thinking, that's fun for you but... why??? There are celebrities that I have admired or thought were cute, but they don't ever enter my fantasy time. It feels odd to even consider that possibility. But yes, when I have been in a relationship, I'd say sex drive was in the normal to high range during mentally healthy/peaceful times. I think considering demi as part of the asexual spectrum is what is throwing me off.

if i may chime in, as someone who used to identify as demisexual but realized that label doesn’t really fit my experiences, being demisexual means you don’t feel sexual attraction until an emotional connection has been established first. put simply, it’s the friends to lovers sexuality 😂 you wouldn’t be sexually attracted to random celebrities because you need to have an emotional connection with someone before the sexual attraction kicks in. it’s under the asexual umbrella, but once you have that emotional connection, i think a lot of demisexual people would say they feel normal to high levels of sexual desire for their partner(s) and sex is a pretty regular thing for them, but of course with any sexuality there’s nuances to this

cosmicdreams

Okay, that is the EXACT thing I wrestle with -- demi vs. trust issues, and I'm honestly not 100% sure which one it is for me. How did you decide it was trust issues (if you're comfortable sharing)? 🤔 Also, car payment during blowjob. You are my people. 😂 Sometimes the brain will not shut the eff up.

This is a long post sorry lol Thinking about it now, I would define sex as an act of mutual pleasure between two or more people. In my case, preferably just two, and preferably with orgasms. It's easier for me to define what sex isn't, and then work my way in from there. I personally wouldn't count masterbation as sex. Masterbation is healthy, but I wouldn't say I had sex with a vibrator. Nor would I count like cuddling, or like a backrub as sex. That's mutual comfort, it's kinda pleasurable I guess, but not sex. Blowjobs and handjobs would count though. If at least one person comes, it's definitely sex in my book. It's interesting to hear from the Ace perspective on this. I'm usually late to comment on posts, but I do get to see everyone else's reactions and learn some stuff. Monogamous sex in my experience is all about timing. Lol It sucks when you wake up horny and the other is still dead asleep. Or if you're dead tired at night but they're raring to go. But when the timing slots together neatly, then it's awesome and reaffirming. I do remember one instance where I stopped mid-blowjob to ask if we remembered to pay the car payment. He was not amused that I interrupted the moment to ask that, and I don't think he could finish after that. And I definitely did not get laid that day. Lol From then on, I've tried more to shut my brain off and be focused in the moment. I do have a higher sex drive than my husband. So I never really got those tropes of these wives just putting up with the horny husbands. I'm usually the one pestering him, and the stereotype's a little bit misogynistic. Sex is a very vulnerable thing in my opinion. It's like "let me just remove everything but my insecurities and let you touch the most the mose sensitive parts of me." If you feel comfortable enough that you can do that with someone you seem to barely know, more power to you. But "hooking up" would just terrify me. The safety part is very important. That said I do have a soft spot for some of the yandere type audios. But again, safety is important. I wouldn't want to actually meet one of these characters irl lol. I never understood "hookup culture" in general. It takes me literal months to feel comfortable and trust someone enough to have sex, and historically I've learned "ain't nobody got time for that." While thinking this over and typing it up, I had to ask myself "wait, am I some kind of demisexual?" So I had to Google it, and no, I just have trust issues lol.

Acedia

You have no idea, I loved reading this so much! Especially on the concept of reproduction, cresting something beautiful and magical together while not necessarily including the biological aspect of reproduction itself. Thank you for sharing 💙

Phantasm Cat

@creamichigo and @cherucaustic- ahh you guys have me crying as I just woke up, good tears tho 🤍 I’m so, so glad this could help. That feeling of comfort when you can identify with someone else’s experiences and put a name to what you’re feeling, especially when most of the world doesn’t seem to understand, is so important. @Vitalya- yes! Many asexuals want romantic relationships (although some are aromantic as well) and value emotional intimacy. We value connection, we just don’t have the same desire for sexual connection as allosexual people

cosmicdreams

I told myself I wouldn’t comment on this one (and I guess technically I won’t beyond this) but I just wanted to say how much I appreciated and needed this comment. I’ve been struggling for a while with if I fall under the asexual (maybe Demi???) umbrella. I’m still not sure if that’s just who I am or if it’s my circumstances/situation. I’ve always had a lower drive so it makes sense but I guess just like when I realized I was pansexual/bisexual I was terrified to admit it because of what it might mean overall, I feel that way now. What you said about audios, Crunchy’s in particular, being more about feelings of connection and comfort are something I wholeheartedly agree with. Just thank you for posting this even though you were hesitant to. I really needed to hear it 💗

cherucaustic

yes! i love this idea a lot. because reproduction is important not only in romantic/sexual relationships but in platonic too

The title reminds me of pitch perfect and idk if listening before going to sleep is a good idea but I'm here for it .

Dre

What a beautiful idea, that reproduction isn't just children, but creating other things together as well.

I put my signature under every word, Cosmi, I was also often asked why I then listen to nsfw content if I don’t like sex and that I’m not looking for connections? I listen to audio not for excitement, but for the sake of emotions. Actually, I always focus on them, without even imagining the surroundings. Just two people and their interaction with each other. (Well, okay, not always just two, hehe) And it's not true that asexuals are insensitive. We're not fucking emotionless logs. We also care about our partner, and we want love in return. Something like this. (I wanted to say something else, but forgot while writing the rest)

im going to keep this short, as i ought to be asleep right now (lol), but thank you so much for sharing this. i think i may be a bit more “”sexual”” (whatever that means? LOL just given everything you talked about) than you, but everything you talked about… idk. its almost as if i feel like someone took a look into my brain, thats how similar our experiences are. it’s so so comforting to know that other people feel similarly.

creamichigo

I LOVE your first comment re: cognitive linguistics categorization theory. I'm going to go research that some more. 💜

Btw, audios (and crunchy's content in particular) have given me such a broadened view of intimacy in ways that have truly changed me. I said this once loooong ago, but audios taught me that sex can be about caring for and appreciating each other. I hadn't had any experiences besides typical porn and the usual immature-horny-physical-satisfaction type sex, and I just could tell that I was wayyy more invested in intimacy than most people I was with. The beautiful things said in erotic audios made me understand what was missing. I'm also grateful because now I can articulate what I want. At this point I usually listen to audios to bask in the intimacy and not necessarily to get off 😌

solarpowerduck

I appreciate this episode of the CrunchyPod ☺️ and I so wish we could all sit down with some tea and chitchat about this. Also, what a lovely case study for cognitive linguistics categorization theory 😌😌😌 the examples are often bullshit like "how do u define what is and isn't a chair? is it the structure? the affordance of sitting down? how it was built?" But I really, really like this example of sex because it's much closer to the core of being human ... like, cognitive linguistics is about the absolute mind-blowing fuckery that is the human brain and how we make sense of our world. I get the sterile examples of a chair or a conservative politician or whatever, but the fluidity and complexity of how we categorize what is and isn't sex ... it's exactly the kind of phenomenon that defies closed-form definition because of how it moves between our existences, mutating and reacting and gripping our hearts. It almost feels worse to try to put into words how sex can be a rich and vivid way to experience another human. I liken good sex to dancing with a partner, sparring Muay Thai, that kind of mutual and visceral space. Big agree on what you said about the hierarchy of needs. That helped me process stuff in my own head. I donut think this made much sense! If you read it, thank you for humoring me! Sending love 🧡

solarpowerduck

okay. sex. i think that i’m still figuring out my sexuality and the way i see sex. but your point of ‘sex is everything we consider sex’ is really appealing to me. (my lord, so much ‘sex’) when i was younger i had a huge difficulty having sex with a person i am emotionally connected to. i couldn’t see myself in a sexual relationships with a person i love. and it was a big deal because people i were in a relationship with wanted something more than just kisses and cuddles and i couldn’t give it to them, so lots of insecurities grew out of it. and i think i had only one night stands for several years. now, after i started going to therapist, i understand that my inability of having sexual attraction to my partners grew out of my trust issues and my fear of getting the person i love disappointed in me, and i was scared of being abandoned. it was like ‘i’m scared you are going to hurt me, so let me hurt you instead and run away as fast as i can’ and only a year ago i felt that i need intimacy, emotional connection with a person. however, it’s still hard for me to build and maintain a long-term relationship (either romantic or platonic). but i started learning about biological side of sex. i listened to a huge amount of lectures and i remember one gynecologist gave a lecture that was called ‘sex is not equal to intercourse’. in a nutshell sex is much more complicated than just having your penis inside of somebody or having a sex-act without penetration. that gynecologist (i guess she’s also a sex-therapist) said that the concept of sex consist of three aspects: 1. communication (talking, hugging, kissing and all that stuff you do outside of the sex-act) 2. the sex-act itself (which is not necessarily penetration and having an orgasm) 3. reproduction (which is not necessarily having children. it is something you creat together. from an art peace to a dinner) and now i really stick to this understanding of sex. it contains everything personally i need in sexual relationships with partner. the intimacy, emotional connection, touches, kisses and small talks. i see sex as something beautiful, something besides the feral need of someone’s body. like the electricity between two (or more, or less) people and the strong feeling of love, a desire to take care of them, make them feel good, be together in that moment. creating those moments and building connection. i think that’s how i see sex now. maybe it will change in a few years,months, days, maybe it won’t. thank you so much, crunchy, for bringing up this beautiful topic! take care, crunchy and everyone here. xoxo🤍🐾

Thank you for opening up and sharing more detail about this. 💕 You and I have talked on a different set of comments about using nsfw content for reasons other than getting off, so I won't belabor that point since you've said it so well here, but you raise a very important point. People who don't feel sexual desire, whether it's their permanent state or a temporary circumstance, aren't to be pitied! Sex is great, for sure, and a huge, wonderful part of life for a lot of people, but just as importantly it does not equal fulfillment for every person. And that's okay!! We're all different, and our experiences are all valid. Seconding the request for thoughts on polyamory. As I said earlier, I'm a very guarded person and I'm REALLY curious how polyamory plays out for someone who values intimacy and safety so highly, if that is indeed Crunch's mindset.

Thank you honey, I appreciate it, and believe me, it's mutual 💙 But like I said before, send your energy to those who really need it 💙

sending so much love as a fellow asexual 🫂🖤🤍💜

cosmicdreams

When I was 20 years old, a psychologist visited our group. Before starting the lecture, she gave us a test. Of the entire group, I am the only one who had a negative result. The psychologist explained to us that this test shows how prone some of us are to promiscuous sex. It turned out that I was not prone to sex at all. Then I learned what asexuality is, and that I belong to them. For me, sex is only good when it's in my head. Physically... No, I like hugs and kisses, but as soon as someone crosses the line, then I either start shaking like a washing machine during the spin cycle, or I start laughing and I can't stop it. I will not dissemble, at first I was embarrassed by this, that this is not normal. Now I think "comon, what is normal in our life?" It helped me to start supporting others like me as not everyone can do it alone. For this shame too. Therefore, a person may begin to think that he is not normal. Not to mention the problems with finding a life partner. Personally, I live with the principle of "fine, I do it myself". Therefore, if one of you or your acquaintances is asexual, this should not be feared or embarrassed. Perhaps you just haven't found a partner you feel comfortable with yet. Perhaps you need to overcome some barriers in yourself. Maybe just sex is not on the first line of the list for you. In any case, you are you, and the rest is already a matter of time. All love 💙

so why do i listen to erotic audios if i have very little sexual desire? well even though i don’t often have the desire for sex i see giving myself pleasure as a form of self care. you discussed in this ramble how that could be sex if you want it to be… i’ll have to think about that some more. my experience listening to erotic audios, and particularly yours, is more cerebral rather than physical. it’s like i’m quite literally transported into a different world in my mind, and it’s less about feeling sexual pleasure for me and more about the feeling of comfort, safety, love, and connection, as abstract as it may be. wowww this is so long but i want to say thank you again for sharing your thoughts on these different topics, i love hearing them and then reading everyone else’s thoughts and having these discussions. if you want to talk about sex in another ramble, i would be interested to hear your thoughts on polyamory. i remember listening to an audio here, although i can’t remember which one, where you insinuated that you were polyamorous, or maybe i heard or assumed wrong in which case, just ignore this suggestion 😅 take care Crunchy and all you lovely people here! 🤍✨

cosmicdreams

one of the main issues about identifying as asexual are the misconceptions allosexual people have about it. this is why i usually just keep it to myself because it’s tiring to be invalidated for the way you feel. i’ve heard things like “oh you just haven’t found the right one yet” “don’t all women feel that way?” etc. and no, becky, there are plenty of women who have just as high if not higher sex drives than men, so they don’t all feel this way. and i really don’t like feeling pitied for it, when people think i’m missing out on something amazing because i’m asexual. think about it this way: you can think cheesecake is the most amazing dessert ever and have a foodgasm every time you eat it, so you tell your friend that they have to try it, but they have no desire to eat it. they might like tiramisu instead, and they find pleasure from eating that, maybe not the same pleasure as you with the cheesecake, but it’s what works for them. this analogy is so silly but hopefully it makes sense, so the person liking tiramisu instead is like an asexual person finding pleasure in other avenues of life that aren’t sexual. it’s just frustrating when people think you’re missing out or can’t be fulfilled in life because you have little to no sexual desire and therefore little to no sexual experiences.

cosmicdreams

ok i’m back with somewhat coherent thoughts at first i thought i should sit this one out since i’m asexual so wtf could i add to a conversation about sex? but i think this could be a good opportunity to talk about asexuality because i feel like there’s a lot of misconceptions, as well as share my thoughts on erotic audio. i do want to preface this by saying that i’m strictly talking about my experience as an asexual, and asexuality is a spectrum with various subgroups, so my experience as an asexual is specific to me. asexuality is defined as “experiencing little to no sexual attraction” but like i said before it’s a spectrum, and there are different perspectives on sex within this umbrella term. some asexuals are sex favorable (i would consider myself to be in this category) some are sex neutral, and some are sex repulsed. i identify as graysexual, which is someone who experiences sexual attraction but it’s very infrequent. like the name implies, it’s kind of a gray area between asexual and allosexual. i may not experience sexual attraction often, but i experience other types of attraction and once i was able to put names to these attractions it really opened up my world and solidified my identity as an asexual. so for example, i often experience aesthetic attraction, i can appreciate someone’s physique or their style and say “this is a really beautiful person” but have no sexual desire for them. i also often experience platonic attraction and sometimes romantic attraction as well. in another ramble you talked about labels and how you feel it can lead to stereotyping and putting people into boxes. i agreed with your thoughts for the most part, but i will say that being able to label myself as asexual has helped me immensely in finding other people with similar experiences and feelings as me. it was so comforting to finally understand this aspect of myself and to know i’m not alone because it made me feel very abnormal, and the truth is it isn’t really common, which makes having that label and identifying with those that feel the same way as i do all the more helpful.

cosmicdreams