36. Xmas

Truthfully, as unbothered as I am by the event it still brought to mind a stark reality. That being, my impulsiveness lately. I had known that my experiments would bring side effects. What I had not accounted for was the compounding effect they would have. To put it simply, the fact that I could properly feel threatened added to my own ego and power led to this. 

Now, the question to be asked is this: Should I try and fix this? Is this something that needs fixing in the first place? To tell the truth, thinking these things by myself would lead to nothing. Seeing as I am the one with the problem and part of it at the same time, any answer I would come to would be heavily biased. 

Then again, I had no one I could talk to about this. Sophia would be the only one I would trust with the secret of what I had done. Or rather the only one I would see myself trusting. The girl being only eleven and heavily influenced by me wouldn’t make for the best source of answers anyway. So, I decided to not bother, afterall, don’t fix what ain’t broken and this event hasn’t cause me any direct or indirect harm. 

With that part of my current introspection done I went for the second one. Now that I had time to sit idly in the RoR I could take my time to unpackage what I felt about my own actions. So I was currently doing just that.

Death of five unintended victims. All of which were minors by magical law. In other words what could be called children. I had always done my best to avoid involving children in my experiments. Not out of a sense of morals mind you. If I ever felt the need I WOULD experiment on them. I never did in my past life. 

To put it simply, my aversion to experimenting and harming children came from a more pragmatic sense. Potential, children were potential yet to be realized. Cutting the life of a child meant cutting off that potential. Then, why does this situation bother me so much? 

It took me a while to realize that it wasn’t the death or destruction but the chaos. The lack of control over not only the situation but over my own actions. I had an idea I thought was good enough and ran with it. I hadn’t considered the ramifications and consequences nor other possible solutions. Once again I am faced with the fact I had messed up. 

“A lack of pain or fear leads to recklessness.” I muttered to myself as I opened my eyes, ending my meditation. I had grown lax with myself, believing myself infallible. Truly hubris is the worst disease, an insidious thing. I realized I had been dropping the ball more and more. Giving unnecessary information to possible enemies. 

“A crossroad lay ahead.” I spoke under my breath. A choice had to be made, here and now. I could either continue as I am, grow in power so I may truly become infallible by virtue of the sheer power I would command. The other option would be to change, to try and fix what I had done to myself so I may become who I was before. 

In the end, the choice was simple, why not both? Why discard an option when neither is mutually exclusive? With that in mind I got to work. Instead of changing my brain back to what it was I would upgrade it further. Never a step back, always forward. 

The following days were spent relentlessly working on a new ritual. The idea was rather simple, yet incredibly complex at the same time. The ritual would increase the density of neurons within the brain allowing for more processing power. By doing this, I could restore my own sense of pain as well as self-preservation. Even better, I could reconfigure them to work as a parallel mind. 

With how complex the brain is I had to spend countless hours working to get not only the ritual working but also gathering the necessary materials. It was my fortune that I found information on homunculus creation. Afterall, I would need a brain to use as a basis for what I wanted and the closer it got to my own the better. Therefore, I had to create a cloned brain of myself using alchemy. 

Of course all of that took time, a lot of time. Before I knew it I was back at the Malfoy estate with only about half of all the things I needed done for the ritual to take place. As for why I was back at the estate…

“Hello mother, hello father.” I greeted my parents who were waiting for me and Draco at the train station. As always, the station looked chaotic with people moving back and forth. Even so, a sort of ring of inactivity had formed around my parents. No one in their right mind wanted to bother the esteemed Malfoy couple. They weren’t the only ones either as there were other nobles with similar bubbles around them. 

“Silver, Draco, it is good to see the both of you again. I hope your time has been well spent.” Father said in with the same measured cadence he always used. As cold as it might seem I could tell he was glad to see us. Mother for her part had a small regal smile on her lips. 

“Well spent indeed. Although it was also somewhat boring. Classes move too slow for my liking.” I commented with a smile of my own. I had kept in contact with them through letters. More than once I had complained about a certain ghost professor. 

“Pfft, as if anyone could keep pace with you.” Draco commented with dissatisfaction. He had tried, oh he had tried really hard to keep apace with his sister. He had failed miserably, afterall, I had the patience cultivated by an entire lifetime of trial and error. 

“Precisely. What about you father, anything interesting has happened since our last exchange of letters?” We kept talking while walking towards the floo network. I had already said my goodbyes to my friends and acquaintances. Some at Hogwarts and some just before disembarking. Truthfully, the train ride had been terribly boring, mostly due to the fact Sophia hadn’t come along seeing as she would spend the winter break at Hogwarts. 

“Not much besides the usual bickering at the ministry. Truly I can’t comprehend how my contemporaries can withstand arguing with Wisely and his kin.” My father complained not for the first time. He and Arthur Wisley had been at each other’s throats for the longest time. Then again, Arthur couldn’t do much besides annoy my father.

“I see, what about you mother?” Draco asked, wanting to change the topic. Although he liked to politik with the slytherins he very much preferred to not hear his father complaining once more.

“I have been reading Lockhearts latest release.” Mother said with a somewhat wicked grin earning a groan from Draco. I couldn’t help the little chortle that escaped me seeing my brother’s discomfort, one my mother mirrored. 

Not long after we traveled through the network back home. What came next were days of socialising which I won’t bore anyone by recounting. Just imagine stuffy balls with dresses and barely hidden barbs within flowery words. At least I got to meet Daphne again. We hadn’t interacted much during the school year, and the only reason we interacted during the balls was to avoid others. 

“Draco stops running. The gifts won’t disappear." I said while holding draco firmly. No matter how hard he tried to get away he couldn’t nowadays he didn’t try too hard. He had learned years ago that resistance is futile. 

“Fine.” He whined as we walked to the living room where the christmas tree stood tall and proud. The bottom is full of gifts, most of them coming from the different families withholden to our own. 

“Silver, you can let go now.” Mother said, hiding her smile behind her glass of wine. And so, I let go of Draco who almost dove for the gifts. For my part I got to work on my own pile. Most of them were token things, some candy, some books. I also got a small ball of pure silver from Daphne as I do every Christmas, a friendly exchange of barbs. I had sent her an emerald shaped like a grass blade, as I do every christmas. 

Amongst the packages there were two I hadn’t expected. One sent by Sophia, it being a photo of us calmly looking at the sunset by the black lake. A small bloomed on my face as I set it aside. I hope she would like what I had sent her. 

The last box was… pink, very pink, with small, many tailed foxes painted on the wrapping. The box was also small, easily fitting on my palm. Unwrapping it revealed a small wooden box made of dark oak with a small letter atop it. 

“My cute little kit has taken an interest in you~. She looks forward to the meeting. Enjoy your new life~. - Lilith.” huh. Below it was another message. Although this one wasn’t written in the fancy handwriting of the first. 

“It will protect you from corruption, and make your hair extra glossy and fluffy.” Putting the note aside I opened the box to see a beautiful silver ring with a pink diamond as the center piece. Smaller clear diamonds adorning other parts. It looked somewhat like a fox tail with a flower blooming from the base of the tail, the pink diamond being held in the middle of the flower. 

That however, wasn’t what had my eyes glued to the thing. Instead it was its… presence? I couldn’t describe it properly but the ring had a sort of mystical weight to it. Like a promise waiting to be made. Not only that but it pulsed with power I knew not how to describe. It felt both extremely dark yet welcoming. Not seeking to corrupt or taint but to protect instead. 

Taking the ring I began thinking on which finger to wear it on. In the end I just went with my index on my right hand. 

As soon as I put it on I felt its effects. Like a wave of magic traveling through me not changing anything yet covering me like a warm blanket. Curious I took a lock of my hair feeling how it felt much softer. Looking at it, it also seemed to be healthier in a way as it looked better. 

“Neat.” I commented to myself while fiddling with the ring a little. Overall, I could say that these last two gifts were the best I had received not only this Christmas but in all the previous ones as well. 

 “Oh, looks like you got a secret admirer.” Mom says once she notices the ring. I just smile in return foiling her plan to embarrass me. 

“Looks like it. At least they have good taste.” Is my answer after a moment. I do not know who this Lilith is but it is said that names hold power. Of course names tend to be repeated and although the name Lilith isn’t exactly common, it isn’t uncommon either. What is uncommon is the weight I feel every time I think of this Lilith, of the Lilith that gave me this ring. It's like an inevitability, one that should by all means be scary and yet feels comforting instead.

Thinking about it brings another thought to mind. The letter said her kit had taken an interest in me. With the package and gift full of fox motifs I could to some extent make an educated guess that either Lilith really likes foxes, she is a fox outright or she might be like a kitsune of the japanese mythos. 

At least their attention doesn’t seem to be detracting anything from my own life… rather, if the gift is anything to go by, they add to it so shrugging I decided to leave it out of my mind for now. If they ever want to contact me directly, so be it.  

---A/N---

Hello! As promised here is the version that I rewrote cause it went extra dark. The part in bold is what I kept for the current chapter, skip it if you feel like it.

Truthfully, as unbothered as I am by the event it still brought to mind a stark reality. That being, my impulsiveness lately. I had known that my experiments would bring side effects. What I had not accounted for was the compounding effect they would have. To put it simply, the fact that I could properly feel threatened added to my own ego and power led to this. 

Now, the question to be asked is this: Should I try and fix this? Is this something that needs fixing in the first place? To tell the truth, thinking these things by myself would lead to nothing. Seeing as I am the one with the problem and part of it at the same time, any answer I would come to would be heavily biased. 

Then again, I had no one I could talk to about this. Sophia would be the only one I would trust with the secret of what I had done. Or rather the only one I would see myself trusting. The girl being only eleven and heavily influenced by me wouldn’t make for the best source of answers anyway. So, I decided to not bother, afterall, don’t fix what ain’t broken and this event hasn’t cause me any direct or indirect harm. 

With that part of my current introspection done I went for the second one. Now that I had time to sit idly in the RoR I could take my time to unpackage what I felt about my own actions. So I was currently doing just that.

Death of five unintended victims. All of which were minors by magical law. In other words what could be called children. I had always done my best to avoid involving children in my experiments. Not out of a sense of morals mind you. If I ever felt the need I WOULD experiment on them. I never did in my past life. 

To put it simply, my aversion to experimenting and harming children came from a more pragmatic sense. Potential, children were potential yet to be realized. Cutting the life of a child meant cutting off that potential. Then, why does this situation bother me so much? 

It took me a while to realize that it wasn’t the death or destruction but the chaos. The lack of control over not only the situation but over my own actions. I had an idea I thought was good enough and ran with it. I hadn’t considered the ramifications and consequences nor other possible solutions. Once again I am faced with the fact I had messed up. 

“A lack of pain or fear leads to recklessness.” I muttered to myself as I opened my eyes, ending my meditation. I had grown lax with myself, believing myself infallible. Truly hubris is the worst disease, an insidious thing. I realized I had been dropping the ball more and more. Giving unnecessary information to possible enemies. 

...It all came back to one simple thing really, emotion. I had grown impulsive, high on the joy of magic on the joy I thought I would never feel again, not after… It didn’t matter now. I needed to change, and so I will. 

Taking a deep breath I got to work on a new project. A ritual of my own creation to be exact, one that would involve my new split mind magic. The reason why I have been running rampant lately is my brain, my emotions. So, I would create a new self, one that would live for one and only one reason. Logic, cold calculative logic.  

Days began going by as I worked. Ignoring the presence of the aurors that had come to investigate. Ignoring the damage I had caused. The ritual was coming along nicely. It would boost my brain, giving me enough processing power to house two minds all the time. However, as I worked I realized I would need to kill for the most important material. 

“A brain huh.” All the mathemagics and arithmancy pointed at it. Not to mention it couldn’t be any brain. The closest to human the better a human one being the best. Not only that but a still developing one would be even better. In other words, I would need to kill a child for the maximum benefit. 

I felt my mind being bathed by cool calm. To prevent any more impulsiveness I had completely suppressed my emotions these last few days. My mind, like a pond of clear undisturbed water, allowed me to calculate the best approach. 

“A Hogwarts student is out of the question.” I spoke to myself in the mirror. My expresión impassive not letting a bit of emotion through, seeing as there is none to be had right now. 

Taking a deep breath I made my decision. I would go through with this, I had lost far too much in my first life to stop. I had too much taken from me, I sacrificed too much. I wouldn’t stop nor would I be stopped. Even if that means becoming a monster, one of my own creation. 

The ritual will take place tomorrow at night. When the new moon is at its highest point. So, I needed to harvest the brain today. Nodding to myself I had Gurry take me to nocturn alley. My features disguised by magic and cloth. It didn’t take long for me to find a mother out in diagon alley. Her child, a lovely girl with blond hair no older than ten smiling. 

I felt something within me twist in anguish at the thought of what I would be doing next. That feeling soon went away, squashed by the might of my magic suppressing my emotions. I moved and soon I found myself casting one of the unforgivables at the pair. Silent without a wand wave or a word the imperio curse landed. Without a word and glassy eyes the mother let go of her daughter, the little girl’s eyes just as glassy taking my own. 

It didn’t take me long to back to nocturn alley. Gurry had left as I had ordered. I wanted no witnesses to what I would do next. Entering an abandoned dusty building I guided the girl to an empty mostly dustless room. The place I had prepared to hide my foul actions. 

Leech in hand I pointed right at the girl’s forehead. Her glassy eyes and dopey smile almost begging me to stop. Or perhaps, it was my own dying morals doing so. My hand shook as vile rose to my mouth. My magic warring with my emotions.

“I’m sorry.” Then, a flash of grin. Like a puppet with cut strings the girl fell to the floor. Eyes still open as if she couldn’t believe what had just happened. Neither did I. 

My muscles felt unresponsive, my skin cold and numb. I felt as if I had torn something from deep within, something that I could never take back or repair. Then I was left empty of emotions once more. My hands stopped shaking and so, I got to work. 

Night of the new moon. I looked up from the clearing I currently stood at. The ritual circle made with the ashes of the girl I had killed. Her brain is in a glass container full of preservative liquid sat on one of two inner circles. Wardstones full of magic as well as vitality crystals dotted the place. 

Closing my eyes I made a decision. Letting go of my magic, the emotional suppression disappeared. Vile rose up my throat as I felt my sins crawling on my back. Yet I wouldn’t stop, not now, not ever. 

Taking off my clothes I laid myself on the central circle. My head pointing towards the glass container with the brain. Taking a deep breath I closed my eyes feeling the cool night air of the forbidden forest against my naked skin. Memories of all of those I had killed in my past life, of all of those I had ruined, of all of my sins. 

It was then I realized I had been given a new chance at life, a chance to change, to be better. I had squandered it in my pursuit of magic, of knowledge. In my endless gluttony for more. I had killed an innocent being for my own gain. In the end, I realized. 

“I am truly a monster of my own making. A self made monster.”

With that whisper lost to the wind I let my magic flow. The ritual lit up with dark light as the ashes burned into dark crimson flames. Flames that crawled like ravenous beasts over the materials and myself. 

I could feel my skin burn, not with heat but with the darkness that I had unleashed. With the sin of corrupting something once pure and innocent. Then I felt the change as my thoughts quickened and cleared, as a new mind made of my own came to be as an eternal reminder of my dark actions. 

It took the better part of an hour for the magic to settle. For my body to adapt to the changes, for my new mind to settle. Thoughts felt crisp and clear, faster and better structured. All that remained of my actions was my new self and the soot on my skin. 

“It's done.” I whispered to myself as I waved my hand, water condensing from the air to clean me. With a more powerful mind, magic came with much more ease. I felt as if the secrets of the world had been laid bare for me to see, for me to twist and control to my whims. 

Before getting dressed I checked my body thoroughly. I needed to know if there was any physically obvious change to myself. Soon enough I found one. My iris, which through the years had been steadily switching to a red coloration, was now a rich almost iridescent scarlet. 

With a flick of my will a thin film of magic settled over them turning them back to their original silver coloration. Nothing more than an illusion, one that wouldn’t hold any scrutiny. It seems like I would need to buy contact lenses. 

With that done I clothed myself. As I began to leave I couldn’t help but look back to the patch of blackened grass on which I had performed my ritual. It looked… not lifeless but corrupted, with a dark presence seeking to consume. It was then when I realized the true change to myself. My Aura had changed as well. Before it was predatory, now… now it is dark and ravenous, seeking to consume and evolve. 

Despite this I smiled feeling free. Truly, is it so bad to be selfish? To want the world and all its secrets? To be a monster? I realized that no answer truly matters but my own. So no, it isn’t bad, on the contrary, I am true to myself like this. If the world calls me a monster then so be it. I would grow and learn, no magic be it dark light or whatever else would escape me. 

I had let the joy of life blind me to my true calling, to what I truly desire. Nothing, no one, would ever stop me again for I have broken free. So, I have much to do, much to learn, experiments to conduct. Who cares if my actions cause death and destruction, who cares if I need to break the earth I stand upon. Who cares if I need to corrupt all that is pure. 

So I laughed, I laughed with joy. Imagining the secrets of magic I will uncover. It was that joy and laughter that accompanied me as I walked back to Hogwarts to the castle that would see my rise and the fall of all those who would seek to stop me. 

---A/N---

Yes, she has gone off the deep end. Yes, this was always the plan. Silver was never a good person. She has always been obsessed with learning magic and learning in general. There is a sneak pick here to her past which was troubled. `