TG COMIC - THE WAYNES - BATMILF

Story by: Flashkill

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Batman glided through the foggy skies of Gotham, his sights locked on to an unmarked moving truck below. Scans showed it was armored on the inside. Not all that rare in the grand scheme of things; it was Gotham after all. But the lack of any company markings, or previous shipment records attached to the license made the vehicle suspect. It turned into the Cauldron and made half a dozen more turns before it finally pulled into one of the various loading bays. Batman had gotten a tip about a deal going down and this vehicle matched the description of what the leak had said would be bringing the contraband into Gotham.

Batman glided down to an opposite rooftop and watched. The truck turned its engines off and the driver laid back in his chair. He seemed tense, uncomfortable, but made no moves to exit the vehicle. His cowl sent the man’s photo to the batcomputer and a few seconds later returned his identity. Ted Nelson, a seemingly ordinary truck driver from Central. The truck was his, bought from a shipping company that was liquidating some assets. Ted himself was in liquidation as a business, buying and selling the inventory and assets of defunct companies. The truck was a recent purchase, seemingly for this specific cargo it now carried.

The armor inside the vehicle made it impossible to ascertain the contents from a scan, but it was unlikely to be firearms or explosives, no stolen goods either. As far as the records were concerned Ted mostly dealt in things like printers and intercom systems, maybe some art here or there. 

“Was the information wrong?” Batman muttered to himself. He thought for a moment. “Show me the his most recent purchases.” The computer listed a few of Ted’s recent acquisitions. As expected most of it was the unexciting goods of failed start ups and closed regional branches… The most recent purchase was the truck, the one right before it stood out to Batman. “Alternate Visions LLC”

His cowl fed him info on the company: “A high-tech private R&D firm claiming to have found a new element claiming it to be capable of ‘changing reality as we know it’. The line was deemed as low-effort hyperbole by most investors and the company was in danger and then all employees one day disappeared. Investigations have turned up nothing, but the leading theory is they fled the country to avoid the wrath of the few investors they did have. The contents of their offices and lab were all confiscated and later auctioned off to one Ted Nelson.”

Batman grimaced. The pieces were coming together. Ted had stumbled onto something special when sorting through his auction winnings and found a payday greater than ink cartridges and flower vases would ever pay. And so now there he was, trying not to have a panic attack while waiting for-

“Oy, are you Teddy?” A large man backed by four more knocked on Ted’s window. 

He sat up with a jolt. “Er yep that’s me sir. You’re the erm, client are ya?”

“Get yer ass out here and open it up.” The man tapped his large firearm against the window.

Ted gulped and nearly fell out of the truck and then shuffled over to the back, fumbling his keys as he nervously lifted the door. “It’s all in there fellas just like I told you over the-”

“The rocks.”

“P-pardon?”

“The rocks Ted, where are the glowing magic rocks?” 

“Ah, r-right here sir I kept em in this box that I found em’ in. One of em’s missing but I swears to you I found it like that, probably the previous owners used it for something.”

“Sure Ted, Sure.”

Batman’s scanners picked up a strange radiation from the crystalline orbs. The batcomputer returned nothing, whatever they were, they were unique. Batman had no time to hypothesize however as he noticed a few more thugs creeping up from the other side of the truck. Ted had bitten off a rotten deal it seemed and Batman switched priorities to saving his life. He descended from the roof, ready to make his own bid on the goods…

- - - - - -

“OHGOODNESSGRACIOUS!!!” Ted yelled as he jumped into the back of his own truck, hiding behind the biggest crate he could.

He had been so on edge, surrounded by these masked men with their enormous weapons. He knew he never should have taken this job but the money they were offering for this stuff would have him set for life. He had a feeling it wasn’t entirely on the up and up but he hadn’t done nothing wrong! He just bought some stuff from an auction and now was selling it. Who, what, and why wasn’t his problem right? 

And then that massive shadow had landed on the guy in front of him! And then the gunshots! And then some blades whizzed past his face and lodged in a guy he didn’t even know was behind him and then… And then he was in the truck, praying to whoever was takin’ calls promising to never come back to Gotham if he could just get out of this alive.

As more gunshots and growling and ‘kapow’ sounds rocked outside Ted peeked out. He saw him. The Batman, dismantling a dozen thugs (Where did they all come from?) as if the whole thing had been choreographed. And then he began to sweat, a bad habit he’d always had. “Batman was beating these guys up because they were trouble… Would that mean he was also… No, no, no he was just a salesman, surely not? 

“I’m not gonna go to jail right? A… G-G-Gotham jail? No, no, no this can’t happen to me I’m just a salesman!” He peeked out again, just in time to see Batman put a man through the shipping crate opposite where he was hiding.

He almost began to cry as he watched the man slump onto the truck’s floor. As he rocked back and forth something fell out from the crate to his feet, a strange machine of some sort, vaguely shaped like a gun, but looked more like a high-powered flashlight. There was a slot on the top of the gadget for inserting something.

Fueled by fear, desperation, and adrenaline Ted’s mind processed everything around him as best it could. “Batman fighting criminals, I’m not a criminal, need to prove it, fight criminals, need weapon, criminals wanted merchandise, merchandise is gun, gun needs power, slot shaped like crystal, insert crystal to power gun, shoot at criminals, not be in trouble!”

The train of thought moved through his brain in under a second as he grabbed the device and scrambled for the box he had shown to the criminal earlier, he shakily grabbed some of the orbs and clumsily shoved them into the device. Nearly crying and knees shaking he jumped out of the back of the truck and pointed the device at the first thing that moved.

“IIIIIIII AAAAAAM INNOCEEEEEENT!!!” Ted yelled as the device let rip a huge bolt of light, straight at the vigilante trying to let Ted know the last of the thugs was down for the count.

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A burst of light enveloped Batman; just a second to slow grabbing for a batarang to stop Ted as he unleashed the device’s strange power on the vigilante.

Batman braced for impact but despite the powerful looking beam that shot out it simply passed right over him, a vague tingling covering his entire skin. He didn’t know what it did or what to expect but knew the best thing to do would be to disarm the panicked driver. He lunged forward, no longer fearing the device’s ray… Only to stumble into nothing. The light washed over him and seemed to drape itself over everything in Batman’s vicinity, the truck, the unconscious thugs, the warehouses and eventually Gotham itself. As the horizon line evaporated into white space Batman realized the beam wasn’t erasing everything else, he was the one being removed.

Hundreds of possibilities began to race through his mind as to the function of the device, and a way to escape this all white void. But it was wasted effort, at least on the second point, as color began to bleed back into the world around him, eventually coagulating into shapes and surfaces. He began to recognize the pillars and ceiling work: The Gotham Royal Hotel. 

Then the furniture began to take shape: a buffet of fancy looking foods and expensive wines, a band stand and piano, drapes and banners for the annual Gothamite Gala… An event which had ended years ago after its true purpose as a money laundering scheme and social event for Gotham’s elite and powerful.

And speaking of the last thing to take shape were them: The Mafia, The Triads, The Cosa Nostra, The Falcones. Police, Politicians, Celebrities as well, and then strangest of all were those who hadn’t risen to power until long after the Mobs had fallen out of favor. Hugo Strange, Edward Nigma, Ra’s Al Ghul…

The impossible collection of characters told Batman what he needed to know to understand what this was: an alternate reality. Luckily the world was frozen as it put the finishing touches on this diorama and so Batman had enough time to reach for his belt, grab his grapple gun and…

The grapple gun was gone, so was his Line-Launcher, batarangs, capsules… Batman looked down in time to see the last of his gadgets fade from existence. The belt itself was a thin golden chain now, small jewels in place of the gadgets and capsules.

Batman began to run, he was being changed to match this reality, a bad sign. He needed to at least escape such a high traffic area so he could get his bearings in-

“Gruh!” He let out a groan as he fell to the ground and slid. He had lost his footing. Looking down he saw the culprit. A long, black stiletto heel, strapped to his own foot. He sat up and tried to unclasp it but struggled to get a grip on the buckle.

“Ow! Dammit what-” Looking at his hands he saw the red nails, manicured to a point that he had just scratched his heel with. He rose back to his feet and began to move again, as best he could in the ludicrously arched heels. The implications of these changes were clear. Now more than ever he had to escape before it completed.

As he ran the plates of his armor clattered to the ground before evaporating into nothing. The underlying bodysuit began to split and tear, forming into a more event-appropriate outfit. His cowl slipped from his head and faded from reality before it hit the ground, leaving long raven locks to flutter behind his head.

And then they appeared. Small at first, but each step he made towards the exit and the heft was more obvious, the bounce more pronounced. Where a dark knight had once been was now a gorgeous woman. And as her breasts reached a size that would draw the eyes of any man, nicely filling out her dress… They continued to grow. From big, to huge, to ludicrous, the stretchy material of the dress was put to the test as her curves began to spill out the sides. 

The long-legged, large-chested woman continued to run. The sight was either very erotic or incredibly silly, but luckily for her the gala guests were still frozen and couldn’t make that judgment. And then she noticed one blink, a drop of condensation fall from a champagne glass, a couple notes from the band play. She herself stopped running and slowed to a brisk stride, and then a mincing step, her legs suddenly remembering how to walk in her impossible shoes, and support her voluminous rack.

The gala sprung to life and Bruce realized this was happening. He’d have to navigate out of this dilemma as… Her. Whoever ‘she’ had been, he was now.

She sighed and began making her way through the crowd, gathering intel and assessing this reality as she moved towards the bathroom to collect her thoughts in peace. It was impossible to ignore how many eyes were on her… Did this world’s version of him have no tact? Did she not realize how impractical this dress was? Or did she… Did she like this?

“Ah, Ms. Wayne, could a humble civil servant trouble you for a moment?”A pudgy looking man wearing a police cap stopped her. “About your ‘suggested’ revision to police procedure regarding the vigilantes in our fine city I don’t think it would be in the department’s best interests to loosen our grip on that gang of criminals right as we’re about to round them up.”

Bruce stopped for a moment, putting the pieces together he took a gamble. “That’s too bad Commissioner, of course a lady like me doesn’t want to tell you how to do your job of course.”

“Ah well then that’s-”

“But I suppose I’ll have to reconsider my contributions to the department this year, too bad too considering you were so excited about all those new toys from Wayne Tech.”

“N-now hold on bitc-I-I mean uh-”

“Unless you’re about to lose 40 pounds and grow 2 feet taller I don’t think you can ask me to dance so I’ll be on my way Commishy~ You do what you think is best!”

Bruce walked away from the steaming red police commissioner. It was troubling it wasn’t Gordon, but it was more troubling how… Easy it had been, to slip into the persona he had put on. Commishy? Even acting he never would have-

“Ah there she is, Brenda Wayne, the most beautiful and powerful woman in Gotham, care for a Riddle?” The Riddler… Or rather, Edward Nigma it seemed, approached next. His face instantly let Brenda know he was still the same man, regardless of what his profession was here.

“Oh now Eddie, you know I’m no good at that sort of thing. Ah I almost completed today’s crossword though while I was getting my hair done!”

“Play the busty bimbo all you like Brenda, but I’m onto you, I know that you’re The Batgirl!”

Relief that at least some bat family was active in Gotham filled Brenda, though she began to feel like it was obvious. “Please Eddie, you think I could fit my girls into one of those suits?” She denied it but then a playful thought entered her mind. She winked.

“I’ll prove it one day you bogus, bloated bimbo!”

Brenda hurried her pace towards the restroom when another, a face she didn’t recognize approached, dark, handsome, and with an accent that made her heart quicken.

“How is our child, Brenda?”

“You will have to ask him yourself, Tamir~”

Brenda walked off, hoping Tamir hadn’t seen her blush. Even after all this time she still-

Wait. No. How did she know his name? Why did she have these images in her mind of… Oh dear.

Brenda went even redder, she needed to get somewhere quiet and meditate so she could center herself and-

“My, my, Miss Wayne, a daring outfit you’ve chosen this evening~”

Brenda tried to brush him off, but it was like something clicked. Brenda needing to fulfill her role.

“Please, I’m pushing 50 Carmine, let the younger girls have the spotlight~”

“What a cruel thing to say. You know not a one of the other women here can compete with Miss Gotham herself. The lady who managed to make the Man of Steel blush on live TV. You’re one of a kind Brenda.”

“Mr. Falcone if I didn’t know better I’d think you were about to propose~ Perhaps you’re right, but an old lady like me should get to have some fun when she can right?”

“Let me finish discussing some matters with my business partners and then perhaps I can cash in that dance you owe me?”

“Oh, anything wrong?”

“Just some shipping woes in Bludhaven, guys keep trying to deliver to the wrong address. Nothing to worry the Queen of Gotham over.”

“Guy stuff hmm~ Well, perhaps the Queen wouldn’t mind hearing some guy talk, makes her feel important you know? Let me just go freshen up and I’ll come find you~”

Brenda walked into the ladies room and looked into the mirror. She had been trying to get here for what felt like hours and finally she had made it and… She couldn’t remember what she had planned to do in here. She looked at herself in the mirror, a smirk formed on her lips. “Ah I still got it don’t I?” She admired herself a moment longer and then fixed her makeup before walking back out into the gala…

“Look 2 tons of kryptonite doesn’t just disappear, it has to be somewhere!”

“I know that Damien, but we’ve checked all the usual shipping routes AND all the black market ones.”

“Did you? Or did you and Nightwang over there just flirt all night?!”

“Hey guys it's alright no need to get so worried, really. I’m grateful you looked into it and-”

“Oh my gosh, is that Clark on the computer? Hiiii Clark Darling! It’s been forever since you’ve come down to see us! How’s Lois? She hasn’t gotten back to me about our Spa Day next week! Oh! And Jon? How’s Jon doing in school? Oh and-”

Superman had turned his face away from the camera, luckily it wasn’t clear enough to pick up him going red at the sight of Brenda.

“Miss Way, I mean uh, Mom. We’re kind of in the middle of something really important here and- Uhm you look very good this morning by the way mom, and uh…”

“We’re busy Mom! We’re saving the world right now Mother. Can you take your melons elsewhere so These idiots will focus, preferably before someone makes a new kryptonite super-weapon?!

“Oh gosh, sorry sweetums! You know me I heard Clark’s voice and just had to say hello! But also I heard you mention shipping routes? I was just talking to Mr. Falcone last night at the Gala, and he was talking about a bunch of shipping issues over in Bludhaven! Something about getting the wrong address. Is that helpful at all?”

“Wrong address? But how would you deliver to the wrong… They aren’t unloading them at a dock. There must be a handoff point before the final destination! Brenda that’s actually… Good job!”

“Oh stop it, you! I’m just happy I can be of help to my little heroes! Go get ‘em kids!

“How the hell does she always do this? Are you sure she wasn’t a vigilante before I was born?”