It's a living (Short Story)

Events occur at the time of Abyssal Road Trip - 122 - Born this way.

I’d just sent an achievement update when the IM’s ping makes me want to headbutt the desk.

“A full report in three hours! Is it fucking with me?”

The words are already out before I can stop them, and of course, they fall straight into silence. Is there a rule that heated words always occur that way? The surrounding desks had been lively with conversations, and now you could hear a pin drop, a sparrow fart, or a splattering shart—you can never trust a fart.

“Gideon, why don’t we have a chat.”

Restraining the sigh behind a gritted beak, I lock my terminal and head for the manager’s office. I hadn’t even seen it on this floor! The bird brain pinged me off its crystal ball instead of coming to tell me to my face like an entity that has a spine to connect its wings.

Her stupid Murphy is fucking with me now. I blame case 907834. Amdirlain better not cause more trouble before I can get the report ready.

Scurrying between acres of granite desks, I can see through the reality panes that it’s poised on its desk’s edge. Past managers would be the sign of a friendly gesture, that we’re going to have a relaxed chat. That’s not the case with it, maybe not from intent, instead just from size. I’d prefer it to perch all those wings and eyes behind the desk, not loom over the interrogation chair, oh sorry minion, ahh fudge it the visitor’s chair hiding in the shadows it casts.

The way it blocks the light above the desk makes the light seem too afraid to spare me even a hint of glow. It could shine in Tartarus for all the good it does me. If it weren’t for the light coming in through the office’s floor to ceiling overseer’s windows, I’d be in darkness.

At its friendly feather wave, I shut the door and zip to the comfortable, leather-wrapped and padded chair of doom. I can’t help but shudder as its comfortable cushion gives me a pleasant resting spot, welcoming me to stay for the rest of my existence. To make matters worse, it floats a water bottle to sit on the chair’s armrest.

Darn, I could be here a while.

“I know you’ve been busy. There are many strange goings-on, and you’re dealing with some particularly tough cases. But please ensure you refrain from using infernal in the office. Okay? Now, what’s got you so bothered?”

I almost vent about her most recent achievement, but I figure it doesn’t deserve the notice. Bloody Angel hauled me in here because of the work it gave me, so I’ll be blessed if I’m going to give it any warning.

“Celestial one, I mean, I know they need the reports, but you need to give me more time than three hours notice before I present one.”

“Come now, Gideon. How many times do I have to tell you to call me Nath?”

Its tone is so friendly and open; I really wish the wings and the interlocking wheels wouldn’t block all the light when it rests on the front of the desk. How are those spinning lower wings not breaking the desk right now?

Condensation beads on the bottle, but I weigh my words before I speak. “With all due respect, Sir. If you were just one of the team, I wouldn’t be having a chat in ‘your’ office now, would I? I’d be putting together a report that I already don’t have time to get ready.”

“Alright, Gideon. I can sense your distress. Now take a breath and tell me what’s taking up your time then?”

The words come from all around me, and straight into my mind in the hundred different languages that I speak. Now the fucker is just showing off, can’t it just stick to one language?

My frustration at its smug stunt starts the words flowing, which might explain the heated Ignana I use. The language of the Plane of Fire isn’t good for calmness. “I’ve been trying to get a single incident report through accounting and auditing for years now. Don’t get me started on the Planar architecture geeks giving me grief; I warned them when Eleftherios woke up—they act like the Necropolis collapsing and taking out thousands of natural Gates is my doing. Internal Auditors have now dragged in an external audit team and those gear grinders have asked me for separate recounts, and adjudication on the pyramid and the city explosion. Quote: ‘Because of the quantity involved, it’s vital no fraudulent credits are applied’ End Quote. Not with one, but both! And I have to deliver this before the next star ignition or they won’t sign off on them.”

It just taps wing-tips together thoughtfully, and makes me wish I could set its feathers on fire. “Well, anyone else would have to get up to speed on your cases before they could start the reports. Is there someone else that can give you a hand with the cross-checks? A fresh set of thousand eyes on them for the auditors could be valuable. That way, you can say that we conducted an additional internal check to ensure everything was legitimate because of their concern. You could sell it to them that way as being proactive and co-operative.”

I almost put my talons through the chair but take a nanosecond and keep them sheathed. “Then they’ll ask it for every combat summary with more the six digits.”

“That’s a point. Maybe it’s best to let that sleeping Dragon lie. Can we break it down, have everyone pitch in and do bits?”

“She’s up to six renames already—well, seven if you also count her True Name that she purged—and the stupid file number only directly associates to the original name. They’ve got to cross-check every line item and ensure the groupings cascade. We both know certain individuals don’t get assigned that work because of their lack of attention to detail.” I huff, giving its central eye a begrudging stare. “Do you want to allocate nearly a billion experience credits to the wrong case or cases, and that’s just for the Set’s pyramid scheme fiasco?”

“Can we get a system resource to set up a fast prototype you could just run the numbers through?” Nath asks.

I stop, I really stop, I even take the time to count its thousand eyes—it doesn’t help, and the words claw their way out with my rage. “Those imps! I can’t even get one of them to investigate a system issue she’s been hammering me about lately. She just won’t leave it alone and accuses me of being the thief responsible. A rounding problem, seriously, and the auditors didn’t pick it up earlier, that’s not made me any fans. I didn’t ask for her case! Can I transfer, please? Let me find the problems in complex machines instead.”

“When was the last time you left the office, Gideon?” Nath says, their warm voice rich voice only audible this time to my ears. I’m not even sure it has one to talk out of, but maybe, just maybe, it has an arse.

It manages such a soothingly pleasant tone in the face of my frustration, but I want to pluck all its feathers. “Sir, she apparently doesn’t know the meaning of relaxation, or rest, or getting laid. Every time I believe she’s going to take downtime, she goes and gets into trouble that I have to Livestream. She can’t even walk through a town without trying to create an energy chain reaction.”

“Livestream?” Nath asks its upper wing curling and casting shadows across its kaleidoscope eyes.

“Sorry Sir, I meant to monitor. It seems I’m going non-native,” I grumble.

A crystalline chime makes the office windows tremble in their mountings only a moment’s warning before concepts rather than words press upon us.

“A full memory maze trial has begun for entity Ebusuku—Classification Greater Succubus. Given her age and relative power level, the entity can gain promotion to Solar if her trial is successful. Ophanim Nathaniel, the Senior Auditors would like a full briefing on Ebusuku’s history; given her possible transition, please ensure you bring along all the relevant history of Monitor Gideon’s case file 907834.”

Nath’s presence suddenly makes everything in the office shallow and fragile. A thin quaking surface of an ice film when a volcano erupts beneath an arctic lake, and it withdraws to the upper management region without even a goodbye. Zooming about the chair in glee, I almost leave the office without my drink and only just lash my tail around it before the security measures dump me scrambling atop my paper-covered desk.

“About time someone else got dragged onto the black carpet.”

Ignoring the attention my cackling gets from the junior gremlins, I unlock my terminal to see what trouble she’s causing now. The melting black ice sucks my arm elbow-deep into the pool and lets me grab the beast’s brainstem, “Maybe I should get her a present.”

It only takes me a moment to review her response to the achievement’s note.

“You think you’ll be a crazy cat lady? You’ve already got one pussy you don’t feed properly. Why do you want to collect more? I’ll save your present for Nath’s replacement.”