I might be too negative and too hard on myself while self-deprecating...

[This is the same as my TwitLonger.]

and those are true af lmao

but they're also unmatched against my desire to create when I wanted to pull off an idea. This turboautism was much, much stronger when I started drawing from scratch.

It's been a while since a long writeup like this, so bear with me.

When I started years ago, I only really wanted to set myself differently from others, not that I wasn't already regarded as someone as "smart", or that one autistic fuck who looks smart but a weirdo and is an actual book smart; but I wanted something else other than a weirdo. Something much, much different.

There's like three classmates who can draw well but none of them don't "main" anime style drawings, and so my past idiotic self-chose an identity that I thought I could go for.

And here we are.

Well, there's a big difference between back then and who I am as an artist— the one who started from scratch was someone who couldn't give two fucks about their work quality; I took a few tutorials (thanks J. Dillion) and started drawing every single day. I didn't exactly know what I was doing; but I had fun about it. The innocent blindness with little to no critique with little to no guidance put me in a really slow burn of improvement.

And then I finished my education, which I think already has waned my enthusiasm when it comes to creating things. The embers are still pretty hot, but in the back of my head I'm probably not as enjoying much of it as I did climb a proverbial ladder of quality.

But then it hit me. I don't know when exactly, but to try my best to describe what I felt: In short, I saw my artist "peers" improving faster than I did.

In longform: I had a faint dread in the back of my head when I saw another artist made something much better than my stuff. Yes, I "knew that I'm a slow burn type", and that's okay, I got work and shit, I'm bound to get less time as before, so I'll just fall behind but I'll eventually kind of catch up. It was a mix of arrogant confidence that I'll somehow keep myself afloat in this self-imposed ladder.

Then over the years I just... kind of accepted that and kept at my pace.

That is the last state any artist would ever want to be in, imho. Accepting this "status quo" until one day, I realize that I'm behind. I wasn't good enough. I'm blindly working on things and making shit and I enjoy. (yes, no quotes on "enjoy")

You know what's worse? People tell shit that "every person has their own road", so in my infinite wisdom, I let that shit fester for a few more years! I tried everything to keep myself "afloat"— I went for fanart, I blind dive into Live2D, I made shitty little games I never finish; I learned a few things, but never master one field, never stayed in that lane even if I find a tiny bit of success.

Keeping myself "afloat" meant I'm putting everything (read: hyperfocus) into one thing and pull it off by myself, and then maybe I'll feel good about myself for a little while after it, but usually that isn't the case after. It takes too much time; I want to drop it in favor of fanart, but I can't really make anything good out of those if I don't enjoy the actual material, and I don't have time to watch any anime, but hey maybe I can try to make a short project so later on I can try to put those surface-level skills to fruition so here I go! Download a bunch of nukige, play good ones, play bad ones, finish a shitty, short, passion project that i planned for a month but it turned into three months? But either way I finished it! Sprites, coding, CG, writing, music planning— everything is all me. With this, it's something I can be proud of, right? Am I better now? Can I stand next to those I thought were behind me?

...well, no. Obviously not. No one really looks at me for anything with how spontaneous I jump from thing to thing. And above all else, I am misguided, and I think I'm alone, and I act alone.

And I think that's when I really started to hate my creations a lot; because whatever I do, it's not going to be reciprocated as much. (Even with this writeup ;3). I've hated what I made, but I didn't hate the process; I just have this... agonizing, deep dread and doubt after I post something.

My work is constant shit. I see flaws the moment I post my work. It's always weird to me. Details aren't consistent, proportions I thought were fine now just... don't work. I know they don't work but I have no idea why, but I make another one anyways! It's how the slow burn does... and honestly, there's little to no embers left. The "joy" I ingrained when creating something mostly keeps me from quitting, even if I knew that another post kicks me back to the abyss of despair and discontentment.

I barely rose from where I was when I felt the faint dread that I'm going to fall behind. And I did. I still consider that I am behind everyone else. No words can make me think otherwise. I cannot bring myself to feel any better knowing I've been wasting most of my life in this "pursuit".

And I've... really gotten to my goal, looking back at it. I'm one of the drawers. I could call myself an artist and have things to prove it. People around me know, and that's my identity.

I could stop and just... go with the flow; get a job and shit. I have some other art obligations though, so I'll just maybe finish those and see what happens...

I was fine with it. I didn't admit it or tell it to people who should know, but I think I silently accepted my fate (even if I told others I plan to quit my job soon).

But then I literally took a wrong step and broke my foot.

The pain aside; this is the LOWEST I've ever been— I wasn't working long enough to get a sickness benefit, so I didn't get any money from the government, which really put a damper on my recovery. I'm broke as fuck and I'm a burden who couldn't earn shit.

And to me, without my work, I am worthless. If there was any point where my self-esteem is going to the negatives; I feel like I'm nothing but a wallet, and I'm an empty wallet.

(Yes, I know that's my selfishness and frustrations speaking out and ignoring the efforts made to help me with my foot, and this is unjustified, but I'm trying to repay them, so bear with me)

And yet... some time along that time, I managed to get a few commissions and had a little bit of hopes up... then fell back into despair that I only have so much time, then I'll be back to work. This time, I realized how awful my status quo was back at work. This whole retrospective convinced me that... no, I don't want it anymore.

I don't have much time though, so I have to do it very seriously before I plunge back to that status quo again, so in MY INFINITE WISDOM (read: a spontaneous decision) ... well, for the better this time; I used my hyperfocus and followed a different tutorial.

Shit's hard, I'm on my 6th round (with a bit of rearrangement), but for the first time in forever, I felt back what I foolishly believe in when I started from scratch. Except I still hated my work and I could see what I don't like about my work, so that really makes the recursive planning stage real fast. But like as always, I have fun with the process like I convinced myself with... as much as my overly critical self allows anyways.

Which is still a lot of fun, because my desire to draw has always been unmatched compared to anything I dish out to myself. Least I'm using it for "good" this time... and even if I only really started on the last week of November this year, I don't really regret that I wasted all those years anymore. (would still love to go back in time and coach my younger self though, that fucking misguided shit)

So, what's this post all about? I guess it's just here to open up a bit, and maybe foster a tiny bit of my old self (more like overcompensating though). And maybe, just maybe, like myself a little bit going forwards the end of the year.

Also, I'm going to pursue arts for real this time. My country is very poor for this kind of endeavor, but I'll find a way once I'm way better.

I'm going to catch up on all of those... acquaintances that surpassed me; yes, the ladder is still there, and before someone say that I shouldn't compare myself to them; I know, but as an established shitty artist, I'm going to get past that title and surpass everyone else. I'll be a fucking pro. I'll fucking earn money from the tiddies I'm drawing. I'll attend those conventions with something to sell on a booth. I'll do all of those in the shortest time possible, and then I'll do more until we make a game, then we'll sell that game, then—

Anyways, if you read this far enough, don't... fucking say anything to me if you can helf it. I hope you had a great 2022, and regardless of whether that's true or not, here's to us, onwards a better year.